Is this a means for divorce

[Corkmum1990]

Hi this might be a long one and I'll probably be rambling on but I just feel absolutely worn down. I am a stay at home mum to 3, one teenager with additional needs and two under 5. So I have been with my husband for 15 years married for 4. We have been non stop arguing since November, talking on and off and I just feel very hard done by. It's like I haven't seen clearly for years and now it's making sense more and more. So my husband has a very high paying job in and around 85,000+ per year plus whatever bonus he gets in October. When I had my third son he suggested I stop working because childcare is expensive for our two younger children and my older son needs after-school care with homework and some basic needs. So I went from my own income to just the children's allowance, and I get a once a month payment for my son that has a disability. I started noticing that my husband wasn't very forthcoming with money and he was basically transferring 50 euro here, 100 there. Nothing concrete. Fast forward anyway I kept saying like I need money if I'm going to stay at home, I pay for my own car, family groceries,the boys activities, whatever they need basically and he refused to let me use his bank account he just picked a figure which is 400 per month. Now I eventually picked up a part time job and he refused to watch the boys as he said he was too tired after work so I just quit because I was driving 30 minutes extra to drop them to my parents and 30 minutes to collect them after and he stopped talking to me while I was working. Now fast forward the pay is still 400 per month, he has around 25,000 in savings and we have no washing machine since November, I'm saving for a new one, he said it's up to me to get one because he's saving at moment for us to move to a bigger house. We have no sink or rad in the main bathroom because of a leak he didn't get fixed. Last week I brought the boys to swimming lessons and he gave me his bank card to pay for next term and he text me the pin and said delete this when you're done. Like I don't even know his pin, I have no access to any money, only what he gives me per month. Like I know everyone reading this is going to think what an idiot, it's your own fault and of course I'm well away, I do try, I saved for a year and got the house all new carpets and blinds last year and I started doing odd jobs when the boys are in school like dog walking, one off cleaning jobs, selling on vinted. But I'm completely stuck, we talked about separating after Christmas but he said under no circumstances would he be moving out that it's his house. Like I just feel very alone. Like even last week I got a letter from revenue saying I was due a refund of 300 euro and I said ok perfect il use that towards my son's school trip and the washing machine and I only spotted today the letter said it went to my husbands bank account and he never mentioned it. Fair enough were a married couple but when I text him and asked if he got it he said yes.. You're asking me because?
So I just left it, like I'm 35 I don't get my hair done, my nails, I don't buy myself things, all my money goes on diesel, groceries and the boys. I know I'm not stupid the only solution is get a job and support myself but is this actually a reason to divorce because he says I'm just creating reasons to leave him. Thanks for reading x

Stop doing his washing, cooking and cleaning. Ask his mum if you can use her machine. Could she help towards the children,? At least let her know what's going on. Get legal advice.

400 a month wouldn’t even cover the food/toiletires etc. U shld really have a joint account which is a normal thing when u are married and have kids. Even more so if u aren’t working or work part time.

Maybe u need to sit down with him and go over the costs of everything and that he needs to give u that plus extra for activities days out etc. Also you deserve fun money too. Is he really tight with money in general?

You aren’t being selfish. He has an excellent salary but isn’t willing to provide it properly for his family. It’s absolutely grounds for divorce, he’s financially abusing you.

Just read your last update. Divorce him, he’s horrible and controlling. I imagine you don’t actually love him like you should. Who would when he’s been treating you like this. Your kids shouldn’t be seeing this life for their mum, they will see how he treats u too. Get some legal advice if u can.

He wanted you to stop working but isn't willing to pay for anything. Truly ridiculous, he should pay all the bills including carpets, washing machines, etc and you should be allowed to spend what you need out of his accounts. Tell him to loosen the purse strings or you are getting a proper job and he can pay for the childcare.

This sounds awful and I’m so so sorry you’re having to live like this.

To me it sounds like you’re basically already separated but still living together. Would things really be much worse if you started divorce proceedings which would ultimately put you in a much more secure position? You’d still be living together in a horrible environment for the duration (can’t kick you out) he would still be awful and disrespectful, he still wouldn’t give you any money to look after yourself, he would either continue to pay the £400 a month he deems sufficient for childcare or he wouldn’t.

You need to prepare for the situation where he stops paying you the £400 as a control tactic. Do all your research and be ready to go. This is from ChatGPT so might be a useful starting point:

In Ireland you need to apply for an interim maintenance order to secure financial support. This is provided under Section 7 of the Family Law (Maintenance of Spouses and Children) Act 1976, which allows the court to issue a temporary order for periodical payments before deciding on a full maintenance order, based on the needs of the dependent children and other circumstances.
The process typically starts with an application to the District Court (usually the appropriate level, as it can order up to €150 per week per child). You would need to complete a maintenance summons form, provide details of your and the children’s financial needs, serve it on the husband, and attend a hearing. At that point, if the court deems it proper—especially given your lack of income, job, and the children’s ages (qualifying them as dependents under 18 or in education)—it can grant an interim order for ongoing payments until the full maintenance application or divorce proceedings are resolved. This helps address urgent needs when voluntary payments cease.
If an interim or full order is in place and payments stop, you can further apply for enforcement measures, such as an attachment of earnings order (deducting from his wages or pension) or, in cases of non-compliance, treatment as contempt of court, which could lead to penalties like imprisonment. Applications are often handled promptly, though exact timelines depend on court schedules; legal aid may be available through the Legal Aid Board if you qualify based on income.
For the divorce itself (under the Family Law (Divorce) Act 1996), maintenance can be addressed as part of ancillary relief orders, potentially including spousal support if needed, but the focus here would be on securing child maintenance urgently. It’s advisable to consult a family law solicitor or organisations like Citizens Information for personalised guidance, as individual circumstances affect outcomes.

Please stop doing everything for him. Never ever let his laundry go in your new washing machine. If he wants you to do anything for him (making dinner or ironing) provide him with a competitive quote and he can decide if he wants to pay for your time.

P.S. If your MIL lives across the road, can you not use her washing machine and explain how her son won’t buy his family a new one and he will make sure she’s reimbursed for the energy/water use.

Fucking hell, he won’t even buy a washing machine???

id be expecting him to do his own fucking laundry. That alone will s grounds for divorce not that it’s needed)

Im presuming that the law is roughly similar in Ireland but it would be worth double checking, the house will be a marital asset and, as such, half of the equity and “his” savings would be yours.

He's financially abusing you and controlling you in other ways. Use the washing machine money to get some legal advice. And be careful because controlling men don't like it when they realise their power is about to evaporate.

You're on my mind OP. Whatever the subtle differences in the law in Ireland from UK law, you will find that many law firms will take their fees from the divorce settlement so your relative poverty should not be an obstacle to legal representation. There may be an equivalent to Legal Aid which can be claimed in cases of Domestic Abuse. You are being abused. It's not just punching, it's being deprived of money and mental cruelty that classes it as DA. I'm guessing that at 35 with a teenager you got together young and possibly looked up to him and trusted him more than you should have. What a nasty creep he turned out to be. He's not the boss.of you and he definitely doesn't understand divorce law.

I really hope you aren’t going his washing at the laundrette? If you are, stop! He can feel the consequences of not having a waging machine and go to the laundrette himself!

The whole situation you have explained just isn’t right and I hope you continue to see clearly

Talk to a solicitor and see what your options and rights are. I think you have to get out of there if at all possible, you deserve much better. He doesn't treat you as an equal or even as a partner it's totally a one sided arrangement and very unfair.

I feel so sorry for you. Please get some advice and support and get plans in motion to leave your abusive H.

He's a tight, nasty bastard, OP, and my blood is boiling for you. Don't let your kids grow up around this behaviour. Get a lawyer and do not trust a word this man says. You can be so much happier in the future than you are now.

Thanks everyone for the advice, just to answer some people have asked if I can use my mother in law's washing machine and the answer basically is no. I actually asked before Christmas if I could wash the boys uniforms and she said no, my husband did ask once if he could use her washing machine and she said no outright that she just got a new kitchen and she wants to keep it as is. You couldn't actually say a bad word against him, he's an only child and she defends him no matter what. I remember telling her that I was going to get a part time job because he wasn't giving me anything financially at the time, and when basically gave me a big speech about how hard he works, that we wouldn't have anything with our him and he pays for so much that I need to be fair on him too. It's like talking to a female version of my husband basically. Also for anyone asking, yes my name is on the house we bought it in 2018 and I paid towards the deposit. So both our names are on the deed. I also asked my parents if I could stay with them and they just said they don't have the room, as I have two brothers still living at home.

Do not leave your house (unless there is physical abuse, which I think you said there isnt).
The court will order him to leave as you're the primary carer.

You do not have to leave the house, but in order to start to fulfil the "living together but apart" requirements for two years you must stop being a couple in any form. That means no washing, cooking, for him etc., no joint socialising, intimacy, appearing together for anything and so on. Lead separate lives, and take note of when you started this.

Contact the Legal Aid Board, you will get free legal advice and representation. That is means tested, and since you have no means of your own, you would probably qualify.

https://www.legalaidboard.ie/our-legal-aid-service/how-we-can-help-you/divorce/

In the first instance, contact Citizens Advice, who will give you signposts and information about approaching the Legal Aid Board, and what the means test comprises and so on.

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth-family-relationships/separation-and-divorce/divorce-decrees/

Make that your first step. Wishing you the best.

I would stop washing his clothes or at the very least take ages to do them.

You can also try and get one where you pay it off monthly.

You need 100% divorce him but I didn’t know that the house couldn’t be sold until your last child is 18.

I don’t know the rules in Ireland but in England you wouldn’t be able to kick him out of his home and he seems the type that he would make your life very difficult if you carried on living together.

Do you have social housing there?

We have social housing in Ireland but waiting lists are 10+ years (in general) and as OP technically owns a house she wouldn't be eligible.
The courts will order the father is removed from the house though in most cases given the mother is the primary caregiver.... with an agreement to sell when the youngest child is 18. This could be challenged further depending on the older child's disability though.

Sign nothing . Get a seperation agreement that just gives a date that you are officially separated even if he remains in the house as you have to be two years separated. Do you have anyone to support you ?

It doesnt matter what he says he's going to do it or what he thinks you will get. He does not control this and it's going to be a shock to him . You are entitled to half of everything including pensions . You may even get more depending on circumstances . It might suit you to force him to sell house , give you half of the equity and try to get a mortgage for the rest . In Ireland you may qualify for a Fresh Start mortgage under Affordable Housing or even a Council loan.

Don't let him bully you . If you can, get as much documentation that you can , his payslips etc . Don't tell him either .
Contact a solicitor. Womens Aid may put you in touch with Legal Aid in your area.

Edited as double post

You need to contact Women's aid and you need to ask for advice about Coercive control, financial abuse.

This IS coercive control.
It is finally being taken very seriously with a new law.

Please contact domestic abuse charities asap.

This is abuse. Financial abuse.
The “only solution” is not to get a job and support yourself -you need to make your husband support you and his family that you made together.
you are entitled to access the money he earns, you are married and it is family money, you work hard raising the family you made together.
he need to pay to keep the house - new carpets, new washing machine alll maintenance should be him. He has been financially abusing you and you should divorce if you want to for sure.
you need to see a solicitor yourself secretly and come up with a plan of action. Do it secretly before he has a chance to hide assets and money from you and the authorities.

This is financial abuse. You've had some solid advice from other people.

@Corkmum1990 his is financial abuse .
He’s abusive in other ways and keeping you tied to the house with no money . Very controlling.
Go to a solicitor and apply for a divorce . The apply for UC as a single person and live in the same house but separately untill the finances and divorce are finalized . He will go mad as he will half the savings to hand over half the equity on the house . And a very decent chunk of child maintenance .
You will be better off without this excuse of a man .

What an utterly horrible man.

Divorce this bastard. No ifs no buts. Get rid. Terrible man. I feel so bad for you.