Is this a means for divorce

[Corkmum1990]

Hi this might be a long one and I'll probably be rambling on but I just feel absolutely worn down. I am a stay at home mum to 3, one teenager with additional needs and two under 5. So I have been with my husband for 15 years married for 4. We have been non stop arguing since November, talking on and off and I just feel very hard done by. It's like I haven't seen clearly for years and now it's making sense more and more. So my husband has a very high paying job in and around 85,000+ per year plus whatever bonus he gets in October. When I had my third son he suggested I stop working because childcare is expensive for our two younger children and my older son needs after-school care with homework and some basic needs. So I went from my own income to just the children's allowance, and I get a once a month payment for my son that has a disability. I started noticing that my husband wasn't very forthcoming with money and he was basically transferring 50 euro here, 100 there. Nothing concrete. Fast forward anyway I kept saying like I need money if I'm going to stay at home, I pay for my own car, family groceries,the boys activities, whatever they need basically and he refused to let me use his bank account he just picked a figure which is 400 per month. Now I eventually picked up a part time job and he refused to watch the boys as he said he was too tired after work so I just quit because I was driving 30 minutes extra to drop them to my parents and 30 minutes to collect them after and he stopped talking to me while I was working. Now fast forward the pay is still 400 per month, he has around 25,000 in savings and we have no washing machine since November, I'm saving for a new one, he said it's up to me to get one because he's saving at moment for us to move to a bigger house. We have no sink or rad in the main bathroom because of a leak he didn't get fixed. Last week I brought the boys to swimming lessons and he gave me his bank card to pay for next term and he text me the pin and said delete this when you're done. Like I don't even know his pin, I have no access to any money, only what he gives me per month. Like I know everyone reading this is going to think what an idiot, it's your own fault and of course I'm well away, I do try, I saved for a year and got the house all new carpets and blinds last year and I started doing odd jobs when the boys are in school like dog walking, one off cleaning jobs, selling on vinted. But I'm completely stuck, we talked about separating after Christmas but he said under no circumstances would he be moving out that it's his house. Like I just feel very alone. Like even last week I got a letter from revenue saying I was due a refund of 300 euro and I said ok perfect il use that towards my son's school trip and the washing machine and I only spotted today the letter said it went to my husbands bank account and he never mentioned it. Fair enough were a married couple but when I text him and asked if he got it he said yes.. You're asking me because?
So I just left it, like I'm 35 I don't get my hair done, my nails, I don't buy myself things, all my money goes on diesel, groceries and the boys. I know I'm not stupid the only solution is get a job and support myself but is this actually a reason to divorce because he says I'm just creating reasons to leave him. Thanks for reading x

You're his wife not his fkn slave. One-way or another you have to be rid of him and his toxicity. This is damaging not only you but your kids too. Don't delay any longer

Can you stay with your parents temporarily?

You can remain in the house with the DCs if you want to and still go for a divorce.
The house will be put on the market whilst you’re both living there.

Yes grounds for divorce and contact cSA they will get you a larger proportion of his salary yhan you are currently getting

Sounds like financial abuse to me.

Are you in Ireland? Just checking because people tend to be forthcoming with legal advice without even noticing that you’re in another country from most posters, and the system will be different! Advise tends to be based on English and Welsh law, and then often inaccurate.

Id see a solicitor but you definitely need to get away from this man.

I think @Corkmum1990 is in Ireland. Unless she agrees... the house won't be sold until the kids turn 18.

Another point, assuming you do 80hrs per week around the home/kids (i know it's probably more) he's paying you the equivalent of €1.25 per hour. He's controlling you, you have to leave today

This
What a heartbreaking story to read OP
You are slowly being eroded and this is coercive and financial abuse.
Please take legal advice. You cannot continue living with this situation.
As hard as it is, there is a way out.
Sending you strength OP

Can you ask his mum if you can use her washing machine? Where's your family based? Where does the childrens benefit go?

That I have no access or entitlement to any of his savings, investments , his future pension even.

hahahah lol nice try. What an idiot. Why on earth would you sign such a thing?

OP will only be getting about €400 a month child benefit which she has said she buys all the groceries, pays her car, buys any clothes etc. Spends €30 a week on washing.

What country are you in? Ireland?

He sounds deranged to be honest. 💐

THIS

When you leave, make sure the washing machine is the first thing into your suitcase.

You're in an abusive relationship. You can have a divorce for any reason, being unhappy is one. But if you were my friend I'd be looking to get you out and if I couldn't I'd get you a washing machine, they're not expensive, he's an AH.

Refuse to wash any clothes in the house until you get a new washing machine. Just say no you aren't doing it. Tell him to buy a washing machine.

You have to stand up to him and just say no. Tell him you have no money

When he told you to delete his pin why did you do it? Why would you do what he tells you?

Hi Corkmum,
Just a quick one as your in Ireland i assume the monthly payment for your son is dca. I know your husband is over the income threshold for full carers but you would still be entitled to a partial payment of about €137 a week going off the salary you gave the income limit is also increasing in Jun which should give you full carers. I know this doesn't help with your divorce question but it may give you some breathing space while you get your ducks in a row. Your also entitled to a carers respite grant of €2000 in June.
I hope this helps a bit while your sorting the rest of your issues.

Thanks so much for all the messages and kind words. I really appreciate it. To answer some questions, I live in Ireland so as far as I know our house can't be sold until the last child turns 18 and I also feel I have a right to fight this further because I am the primary caregiver for our son that has a disability. Our relationship has never ever been physically violent, but he is very controlling in nature, this is so embarrassing to say , but he decides everything in the house, I have no say in where we go on holiday, if I'm scrolling my phone at night in bed he tells me when to turn it off, he decides what's for dinner everyday, he eats separately to us, I have to run everything by him first and he has final say in everything etc like I actually can't argue with him because if I say anything he doesn't agree with he just put his fingers in his ears and says blah blah blah into my face and walks out of the room.

Does his mum not tell him to get a fucking grip and provide the essentiala for his family which is a washing machine and I'd be small his washing over to his mother since that's obviously what he wants a mummy not a equal partner x

Is there anyone in your life you can talk about all this? Having support on the ground is so important.

Contact FLAC today @Corkmum1990
You will be entitled to free legal aid advice.

Your husband is a prize prick! Is your name in the mortgage? How long have you been in the house?

100% prepare yourself to leave him... it cannot be worse than it is now. He'll give you a few months heartache but act fast as the family courts shut down for the summer months (aside from emergencies) so you will want to get in before that to get him out and paying maintenance ASAP. The actual divorce will likely take a few years.

Make a list of your income... what you spend on you & the kids and anything you know about his finances. Bring all this to.your FLAC meeting.

You are being financially abused.

And emotionally abused

@Corkmum1990 This was very upsetting to read. Please leave this abusive man. x

You're his staff not his wife

So abusive. I’m so sorry OP that this has happened to you.