To take DD out of year 13 because of her abusive exBF and friends who’ve taken his side

[GiggleAtAFuneral]

My DD (18) split up with her first boyfriend of 1 year at the beginning of December.
It was a fine relationship at first but ended up turning very intense. DH and I helped her find the bravery to end things. Her BF was very jealous, would sulk if she went out with friends or wore certain outfits. We could actually see her changing in the way she carried herself. He then started to self harm in front of her. It really scared her. She stayed for about 3 months more than she wanted to as she was scared he’d commit suicide if she left (as he’d tell her he would). We had some very gentle conversations about how at her age relationships should be fun, not stressful, and she eventually took the brave step of dumping him.

He took the split really badly. They’re in sixth form together and it’s very awkward as a few shared friends have taken his side. It seems that MH issues/self harm trump every other situation and her friends think that a good girlfriend should be supportive rather than cut and run. He’s really milked his grief - his mum called DD from A&E on Boxing Day saying the exBF had taken on overdose. Of 8 paracetamol. He’s left her several 1 hour voice notes sobbing and begging to have her back.

DD has felt extremely guilty over all of this, which has been made worse by her friends. she pandered to her ex over Christmas - we have told her how manipulative he’s being but as anyone with a teen knows, you have to tread carefully and not ram messages down their throat to the point they feel pushed away. However by New Year she’d blocked him on everything. But he still managed to message her from others numbers, devices and to her email (which she doesn’t wanna give up as it’s linked to so much)

I’ve said we should go to the police, she won’t. I also wanted to involve the school, but she’s begged me not to as she thinks it will go away itself in time, and again I didn’t want to push her away by going against her wishes (until today).

It ramped up 2 weeks ago as he found out she started seeing someone new. He’s sent her big long messages which she won’t read (and short ones saying he’s going to commit suicide). He’s messaged her new BF with lies about her. She told her exBF to leave her alone for the first time. She’s tried speaking to his mum about it but has just got abuse back about how “he will never get over this”. Last night, he sent her a message with a picture of his self harm injuries.

DD had enough and replied saying “What do you want me to do with that, print it out and frame it?”
Not her finest hour I know. But she has had this manipulation for nearly 2 months and she just blew. I didn’t know this until I’ve just picked her up from school. She called me crying to collect her, as he’s screenshotted her message and shown all their friends. Her best friend has fallen out with her, because she also self harms and thinks DD is being really insensitive and says “If you treat self harms victims like that we can’t be friends”.

I dont like a lot of her mates and even less so since she split with exBF as some of their friends have given her a hard time because she broke up with him over text (which is what me and DH advised her to do).

I’ve asked the head of sixth form to call me, I’ve had enough now and need to protect my DD. This manipulative boy could ruin her A-Levels. She doesn’t ever want to go back to school because of him and how he’s turned their friends against her.

I really don’t think DD is the bad guy here at all. I think she has been pushed by an abusive boy to her limits, and I’m really sad to see how little her so-called friends understand coercive control. Her exBF is very popular and charming I think people think he can do no wrong.

I know this may sound like a knee jerk reaction but WIBU to send her to another sixth form half way through Upper 6th? I don’t see how she can have a steady time at school at such a crucial run up to A-Levels with so much animosity and an abusive ex lingering in all her lessons.

She goes to an amazing school I would be sad to take her out but even if he’s suspended (which I doubt he will be) she has to live with the bizarre stigma of dumping a popular boy.

She is convinced she wants to finish her learning and revision from home but I think it’s better she has a fresh start in a new school with support from teachers

Honesty can’t believe all the “she’s 18” comments, she’s still your baby and always will be and of course she needs support to make such big decisions such as leaving 6th form over this! You’ve clearly shown you are taking her feelings into account and treating her like the adult she is in all this. You don’t stop needing your parents guidance the minute you turn 18. Some people are such a wind up on here. Anyway, so sad to read what she’s been through and hope whatever happens you come out the other side soon.

Op it is v important that you do all in your power to keep this pest away from her. He sounds v dangerous and a threat to her life to be completely honest. I would 100% do whatever it took to sever ties with all of those against her. Some friends they are !

I was so sorry to read what your teen DD is going through and how this XBF is harnessing most of her friendship group and year group to join in his bullying.

You sound like a very sensible mum who is sticking up for her and listening to her. Wishing you both all the best.
Just wanted to say, You mentioned a friendly teacher/head of year? I'd ask their advice too if it did affect her grades, if they have any suggestions of how to re apply? I am not up to date on this, but the school probably is... but perhaps she could do a one year retake at one of those retake courses.. or at a sixth form college? It used to be that they were still funded up to 19 years old... although this may not still be the case, ir and a gap summer with some relevant work exp. or a ski season or similar (applications in the summer) to kick off a gap year.
Also. If there was a subject she really wanted, it might be possible to do a foundation course at uni and then slot into the degree programme. So not all is lost.
Also wanted to say that working at home with no distractions and focusing on her future away from this mess might really motivate her and I would also ask the school if they have any suggestions about one to one catch up pr zooms where she could ask questions occasionally... after all they want her to get through this and get her grades and next steps.
But I've just read @likeafishneedsabike 's post and I think it sounds like she has up to date and detailed advice on this. I take her point about classroom v home.

Good luck tomorrow, your daughter is lucky to have you and DH for support. I do urge you to talk to the police (and don't forget to mention the mother's input).
Hopefully this will be enough to make him back off but keep documenting everything. If she has to go to school at any point urge her to vidio/audio walking in etc in case anything is said to her by anyone.

None of the systems are ‘linked a such’ (every nhs trust and social care authority have different systems that don’t even link with one another!) However, social services are alerted when a young person attempts suicide. The school will not be (unless social care are sufficiently worried as to conduct an assessment that requires information from school, but this is very unlikely in this circumstance). Good luck with the meeting tomorrow OP!

I haven't read the whole thread but I have read OPs posts. I just wanted to share my experience as this exact situation happened to me in Year 12/Year 13 (18 years ago).

I broke up with a boy just before summer in year 12 and had a whole summer of abuse (via email) where he told me I'd ruined his life, he wouldn't be coming back to school (he was very academic so I suffered a lot of guilt), then it ramped up to threats of self harm. When I returned to school in the September, he was there and I thought that was going to be the end of it but then my friends started, they were so hurtful, telling me it was my fault and one of them even broke my headphones.

I did switch schools, and it was honestly the best decision of my life. I will caveat this with saying I did already study one subject at the other school so I was familiar with it but I was still the "new kid" as I didn't really know anyone. I made friends with my now best friend at that school and I did well in all my exams because not having the stress of the old school made it so much easier to focus and study.

I can't say if it's the right or wrong decision to consider a school switch for your daughter, especially with it being a bit later in the school year than my move. my parents left the ultimate decision to me but they supported me throughout.

Your daughter shouldn't have to move schools, but sometimes a fresh start is needed to gain some clarity. You sound like a lovely mum!

Well, we will have to agree to differ about whether 18 year olds are capable of making an informed decision. They have the vote and can get married without anyone's consent, so it's worrying if they can't.
Anyway, I hope the next stage of your daughter's education goes well and her next relationship is a happy one.

You are doing everything right OP

Your DD is lucky to have you and her Dad (who sounds like he is on side) and it is testament to your parenting so far that she has seen this manipulative shit for what he is. I trust that you will make the right decisions as a family, following your meeting with the school and hopefully the police.

Your observations around teens turning on anyone who doesn't become hushed and meek when confronted with someone citing 'MH' is spot on. It's a sort of virtue signalling club that you have to be in or else be ostracised. My DD got caught up in this at a very similar age. There was a girl at Sixth Form making her life hell/turning people against her/telling outright lies, but if my DD dared to confront or report, bully would have a very visible breakdown/lock herself in loo and send people snapchats of herself self-harming/threaten suicide/have some sort of crisis. DD would then be confronted by a barrage of abuse about how toxic she was / how she needed to HashtagBeKind and so on. By the same girls who were witnessing her bullying. It's bullshit.

Hold on to the thought that in a few months your DD gets a fresh start and a chance to make decent friends AND she has already learned a big lesson so will go into friendships and relationships with her EYES ALREADY OPEN.

The future is bright.

It’s too late to leave now - I wouldn’t be encouraging her to start a new relationship at the moment and just get her head down and get through her A levels.

Sounds like op is a lovely Mum, but I would have involved school much earlier and it could have been stamped out. By respecting daughter’s wish not to involve the school they were not able to help. Although 18, she is not mature enough deal with the seriousness of what was happening. Someone physically bullied me and I begged my parents to do nothing. My Mum went to the bulliy’s house and said it ended or police would be involved and told off the bully in front of their Mum, it ended. These days I would have used school complaints and police and stop allowing the bad guy to continue. If anyone leaves or is isolated
it should be him and his collaborators should be dealt with too. When are we going to stop our girls being victims enough!!

How repellent of the friends to be clued up about men's mental health whilst conveniently stopping short of understanding coercive control. Agree that he probably doesn't see his own behaviour as abusive - I imagine he had some kind of adverse childhood experience that serves as a magical get-out-of-jail-free-card for his behaviour? (can you tell that I've had enough of abusive men? feel free to tell me if I'm projecting!)
FWIW I had to self-study the second half of Year 13 for my own safety, and did well in all my A Levels, so it is doable if DD feels that is the right thing for her. Sending well wishes 💐

Well done OP and I fully agree that children don't suddenly mature on their eighteenth birthdays.
They still need guidance and support, especially when they find themselves in abusive situations.

Please go to the Police with this before he escalates

Please go to the police. Also look into Holly’s Law.

Gosh sending so much love and hope this all clams down and your dd successfully finishes your A Levels.

As a mother with very young ds and dd this fills me with dread thinking about the future - teen groups, domestic violence/ control, mental health cards played and especially for awful mums/families who enable horrendous behaviour (ie mum of the boy).

Well done to you though, your dd is lucky to have you.

Jesus. YANBU, I'd take her out of the school and potentially move house - this young man sounds like a psycho. Absolutely insane that her "friends" are enabling/supporting his manipulative, misogynistic, stalkerish behaviour. Really sorry you're having to deal with this OP.

Have a chat with the Safeguarding Lead, they are usually very sympathetic and have experience in handling these delicate situations. Your DD is NOT responsible for this boy’s SH and suicidal ideologies. His poor mother must be out of her mind with worry, which is why she’s blaming your DD.

Does this boy really want a girl to stay with him just because they’re too terrified of what he’ll so to himself if they split up with him? He seriously needs some help with his MH.

My son had a GF who SH’d and constantly threatened suicide. He felt responsible for her safety and keeping her alive. He finally saw the light and split up with her, but it’s left lasting damage on him and our family relationships. She very quickly moved on to her next BF.

Year 13. She should be excited after applying to different universities looking at their facilities and planning her future. Not thinking about some loser.

If she's picked her possible university. Has she been on the Student Room website to see what happens where? Which halls will suit her best Etc.

"The Student Room" https://www.thestudentroom.co.uk

I am a Domestic Abuse Worker and this situation needs to be reported to Police. Your DD has plenty of evidence, all his messages and photos of self harm on her phone. He has been using coercive controlling behaviour towards her which is now a crime under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021. Alleged perpetrators who threaten suicide are very concerning what if he harms her? This happens all too often. School need to be informed immediately so they can safeguard her. His behaviour is very wrong and hers is not.

OP, my DD’s friend went through something very similar which actually escalated to worse than what you’re going through.

The school were excellent. Once the details and evidence were given to them they acted extremely swiftly and sensitively. The boy was placed on immediate suspension. They had lots of very careful meetings with the girl to encourage her to report it all to the police. They did end up telling her that they themselves had a duty to report to the police even if she didn’t.

The school and the girl made the report together and safeguarding lead, head of year (and her mum obviously) held her hand the whole way through it.

I have no doubt that your DD will feel much better once the school get involved and are able to put their extensive safeguarding training to good use and show her that there is a safe process through this ordeal.

Best of luck to you and your DD 💐

It's a very tough lesson for your DD but this could be a turning point for her if handled the right way Op. It would do her good to get away from her so called friends, they're so needy they've made your DD their whipping boy for the sin of being sensible and down to earth.
I'd push the school hard, either they find a way to protect her and her education or you'll make this look very bad for them

The school needs to put a safety plan in place for her and give her the support she needs.

Involve Police, inform Social Services re self harm concerns about him, log this with GP he's harassing her. Keep messages etc, the school have a duty of care to your DD he sounds dangerous and if it was me I'd move her onto college or different school, he will turn his obsessions to the next target sadly.

Your DD is at significant risk of catastrophic physical harm from this guy. Ex partners threatening suicide is highly risk associated with murder or murder / suicide.

There is also a huge overlap of female suicides of women who have been emotionally abused - so much so that there is a new law which puts the ex abuser up for manslaugher in such cases.

I am glad that the SLT are involved they will know what is required.

Stats are that women’s risk of murder escalates for the TWO years when they leave.

This guy is unstable and statistically very very dangerous.

Your DD needs the system to step in right now to mentally and physically protect her.

I would ensure you have a ring doorbell and dash cam on cars, location sharing on phone, warn her friends, family, work about him incase he attempts to ambush her elsewhere.

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this - but you are right to go over her head as she is a vulnerable victim with no access to stats or ability to understand real risks in her current state.

Best of luck to you all.

Speak to the school’s safeguarding lead. This is coercive behaviour, from his mum as well.

Why the hell should her life be derailed because of one awful guy?
I would ask the school what the practical options are for ensuring she can take her exams.

Taking exams at an exam centre is quite costly.