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AIBU?

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Original poster

To take DD out of year 13 because of her abusive exBF and friends who’ve taken his side

323 replies

GiggleAtAFuneral · 27/01/2026 10:15

My DD (18) split up with her first boyfriend of 1 year at the beginning of December.
It was a fine relationship at first but ended up turning very intense. DH and I helped her find the bravery to end things. Her BF was very jealous, would sulk if she went out with friends or wore certain outfits. We could actually see her changing in the way she carried herself. He then started to self harm in front of her. It really scared her. She stayed for about 3 months more than she wanted to as she was scared he’d commit suicide if she left (as he’d tell her he would). We had some very gentle conversations about how at her age relationships should be fun, not stressful, and she eventually took the brave step of dumping him.

He took the split really badly. They’re in sixth form together and it’s very awkward as a few shared friends have taken his side. It seems that MH issues/self harm trump every other situation and her friends think that a good girlfriend should be supportive rather than cut and run. He’s really milked his grief - his mum called DD from A&E on Boxing Day saying the exBF had taken on overdose. Of 8 paracetamol. He’s left her several 1 hour voice notes sobbing and begging to have her back.

DD has felt extremely guilty over all of this, which has been made worse by her friends. she pandered to her ex over Christmas - we have told her how manipulative he’s being but as anyone with a teen knows, you have to tread carefully and not ram messages down their throat to the point they feel pushed away. However by New Year she’d blocked him on everything. But he still managed to message her from others numbers, devices and to her email (which she doesn’t wanna give up as it’s linked to so much)

I’ve said we should go to the police, she won’t. I also wanted to involve the school, but she’s begged me not to as she thinks it will go away itself in time, and again I didn’t want to push her away by going against her wishes (until today).

It ramped up 2 weeks ago as he found out she started seeing someone new. He’s sent her big long messages which she won’t read (and short ones saying he’s going to commit suicide). He’s messaged her new BF with lies about her. She told her exBF to leave her alone for the first time. She’s tried speaking to his mum about it but has just got abuse back about how “he will never get over this”. Last night, he sent her a message with a picture of his self harm injuries.

DD had enough and replied saying “What do you want me to do with that, print it out and frame it?”
Not her finest hour I know. But she has had this manipulation for nearly 2 months and she just blew. I didn’t know this until I’ve just picked her up from school. She called me crying to collect her, as he’s screenshotted her message and shown all their friends. Her best friend has fallen out with her, because she also self harms and thinks DD is being really insensitive and says “If you treat self harms victims like that we can’t be friends”.

I dont like a lot of her mates and even less so since she split with exBF as some of their friends have given her a hard time because she broke up with him over text (which is what me and DH advised her to do).

I’ve asked the head of sixth form to call me, I’ve had enough now and need to protect my DD. This manipulative boy could ruin her A-Levels. She doesn’t ever want to go back to school because of him and how he’s turned their friends against her.

I really don’t think DD is the bad guy here at all. I think she has been pushed by an abusive boy to her limits, and I’m really sad to see how little her so-called friends understand coercive control. Her exBF is very popular and charming I think people think he can do no wrong.

I know this may sound like a knee jerk reaction but WIBU to send her to another sixth form half way through Upper 6th? I don’t see how she can have a steady time at school at such a crucial run up to A-Levels with so much animosity and an abusive ex lingering in all her lessons.

She goes to an amazing school I would be sad to take her out but even if he’s suspended (which I doubt he will be) she has to live with the bizarre stigma of dumping a popular boy.

She is convinced she wants to finish her learning and revision from home but I think it’s better she has a fresh start in a new school with support from teachers

OP posts:
Connemaraa · 28/01/2026 19:16

IdealisticCynic · 28/01/2026 14:28

Sorry, I’m not quite sure what your comment means? Obviously if necessary for her safety the police should be contacted, I felt that was clear in my post. My post was in response to all those posters saying that she should tell her daughter to go to the police in order to protect future victims. I was saying that I think that is a terrible thing to say to a young girl as it puts a lot of pressure on her to enter into a process she may otherwise choose not to.

Show quote history

No it wasn’t obvious:
“You have to consider IF it is necessary for her own safety, she won’t thank you if the criminal matter is ongoing in a year…..”
My point is it’s very obvious to anyone up to speed with evidenced based research in this area or with informed personal experience (see PPs) that the DD’s immediate physical safety is at very high risk right now and requires police involvement to protect her life.

IdealisticCynic · 28/01/2026 19:48

Connemaraa · 28/01/2026 19:16

No it wasn’t obvious:
“You have to consider IF it is necessary for her own safety, she won’t thank you if the criminal matter is ongoing in a year…..”
My point is it’s very obvious to anyone up to speed with evidenced based research in this area or with informed personal experience (see PPs) that the DD’s immediate physical safety is at very high risk right now and requires police involvement to protect her life.

Show quote history

Please don’t patronise me. I work with victims of DA going through the criminal justice system and have done for decades. I am considered an expert in my field. I am fully up to date with the research and I am also fully aware of the psychological impact of navigating the CJS itself. The OP’s daughter needs to make an informed decision and should talk it through with someone who understands the whole process. If there is a real risk of physical harm, then of course she should report it for safety. Such risk does not exist in all such matters and fear mongering helps no one. I won’t be engaging further as I don’t want to derail this thread.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 28/01/2026 20:00

IdealisticCynic · 28/01/2026 14:28

Sorry, I’m not quite sure what your comment means? Obviously if necessary for her safety the police should be contacted, I felt that was clear in my post. My post was in response to all those posters saying that she should tell her daughter to go to the police in order to protect future victims. I was saying that I think that is a terrible thing to say to a young girl as it puts a lot of pressure on her to enter into a process she may otherwise choose not to.

Show quote history

Well, you're wrong.
There will be future victims.
Girls and women in the future can ask the police for a Clare's Law disclosure and the OP's daughter's case will be available for sharing.

Encouraging the DD to go to the police also reinforces the message of zero tolerance for domestic abuse and male violence against women.

Evidemment · 28/01/2026 20:20

Hi OP

I think you've been handling this all brilliantly

One thing to be aware of though - lots of posters traipsing in and saying she should "just block him" is actually terrible advice considering the nature of the beast. She should absolutely not reply to anything from him or these "friends" but its vital to keep that line open (perhaps she can disregard them and have you read them instead to avoid the jarring experience for her)

If he escalates you MUST be able to receive those messages, act on them to protect her, and provide them to the school/police.
If he becomes physically dangerous and she has followed the suggestions of previous posters in an attempt to maintain her peace you will miss an extremely important warning sign plus any further evidence of his harassment. It's unpleasant but it is absolutely necessary. Seeing posters shouting to block like it's a cure-all is absolutely toe curling.

Helen1625 · 28/01/2026 21:59

Thanks for updating and I'm glad that things seem to have gone well with the school.

From someone who's 16yo daughter was in a very similar position I can understand exactly how you have been feeling about what he's put your daughter through. I managed to persuade mine to at least have a chat with the police so that there was a record logged and if anything else happened, we could decide then whether to take the matter further.

Keep us informed how you get on x

Connemaraa · 28/01/2026 22:10

Evidemment · 28/01/2026 20:20

Hi OP

I think you've been handling this all brilliantly

One thing to be aware of though - lots of posters traipsing in and saying she should "just block him" is actually terrible advice considering the nature of the beast. She should absolutely not reply to anything from him or these "friends" but its vital to keep that line open (perhaps she can disregard them and have you read them instead to avoid the jarring experience for her)

If he escalates you MUST be able to receive those messages, act on them to protect her, and provide them to the school/police.
If he becomes physically dangerous and she has followed the suggestions of previous posters in an attempt to maintain her peace you will miss an extremely important warning sign plus any further evidence of his harassment. It's unpleasant but it is absolutely necessary. Seeing posters shouting to block like it's a cure-all is absolutely toe curling.

Agree.

Advice on stalking is counterintuitively not to block as it can inflame the perpetrator to escalate as well as prevents evidence collection.

Jenpen31 · 28/01/2026 22:27

I would let her revise from home and sit the exams as an external candidate at a centre. Walk away from this toxicity. It could be detrimental for her mental health. She will make new friends. I've been through something similar recently with my 16 year old. Girls can be so horrible.

cestlavielife · 28/01/2026 22:36

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Op dd should be able to sit exams at school safely . It is on school to ensure that.

RedToothBrush · 28/01/2026 23:11

She doesn’t want to “ruin his life” she told me. I told her he’s ruined his own life, she’d only be going with the truth!

At 17, the most that is likely to happen with him at this stage is likely to be a caution. The police would be unlikely to progress it further unless the harassment continues.

In some ways, it would be better for him to get a sharp shock about how serious his behaviour is. If he doesn't under this, he is likely to do it again in future with someone else. Earlier intervention is more likely to stop more serious consequences further down the line. He won't like it, but then he also won't like being charged and going to court in the future either.

Arran2024 · 28/01/2026 23:12

Even if school are being seemingly supportive, chances are they will be even more supportive if police are involved.

From my daughter's experience, don't underestimate the desire of some people to protect a "nice" lad from the consequences of his actions. Police have lots of experience of this kind of thing whereas school might have none.

Btw my daughter did block her ex and police were fine with this. He was getting friends to contact her anyway. Police confiscated his phone - they can recover messages that have been deleted.

tryingtobesogood · 29/01/2026 00:02

GiggleAtAFuneral · 28/01/2026 12:33

I agree, yes I had to push them to say that my DD as the victim shouldn’t have to move. If they’d had their way she’d have been the one to move!

Show quote history

God they are so predictable. Yes, you are the calm rational ones that are easy to manage. Well done on standing your ground, it sends such a clear message to your daughter that she has nothing to be ashamed of and to the school that they can’t just brush this under the carpet or continue to act like he has done nothing wrong.

disturbia · 29/01/2026 03:13

Good to hear the meeting at school went well. You could make a third party report to the Police yourself. It will not ruin his life he will not get a custodial sentence but a visit from Police will enable him to see the seriousness of his behaviour hopefully. Your DDs ex friend who has taken his side is not seeing the situation for what it is Domestic Abuse not a self harming issue.

Daleksatemyshed · 29/01/2026 11:54

RedToothBrush · 28/01/2026 23:11

She doesn’t want to “ruin his life” she told me. I told her he’s ruined his own life, she’d only be going with the truth!

At 17, the most that is likely to happen with him at this stage is likely to be a caution. The police would be unlikely to progress it further unless the harassment continues.

In some ways, it would be better for him to get a sharp shock about how serious his behaviour is. If he doesn't under this, he is likely to do it again in future with someone else. Earlier intervention is more likely to stop more serious consequences further down the line. He won't like it, but then he also won't like being charged and going to court in the future either.

Certainly agree about the short, sharp shock. The DD Ex has emotionally blackmailed her terribly and still been rewarded with sympathy by his DM and his friends, he may be very young but it's teaching him very bad habits for future relationships. The police could be the wake up call he needs

Audhumla · 29/01/2026 12:05

Yes, if anything she'd be doing him a favour. In the best case scenario it would give him a wake up call to course correct and take responsibility for himself.

JohnofWessex · 29/01/2026 12:55

I certainly think that there is a 'best interests' issue with the young man - if its reported and action is taken then it might 'divert' him from behaving in a way that could lead to him going to prison later

Dery · 30/01/2026 07:56

Another here who thinks it would do the boy good to be shown how wrong his behaviour is before this behaviour becomes normalised for him.

Carycach4 · 30/01/2026 08:17

You should have gone to tbe school long before this! The boy needs proper help! Realistically, if the boy is popular and charming, the situation will remedy itself very quickly as he will take up with someone else.

JohnofWessex · 30/01/2026 08:56

Carycach4 · 30/01/2026 08:17

You should have gone to tbe school long before this! The boy needs proper help! Realistically, if the boy is popular and charming, the situation will remedy itself very quickly as he will take up with someone else.

And perhaps do the same thing again/............

Swiftie1878 · 30/01/2026 09:23

GiggleAtAFuneral · 28/01/2026 11:58

Had the meeting this morning

Just wanted to say thank you for all the advice! It was honestly so helpful and it armed me so well today.

So, I presented all the messages, pictures and harassment and the safeguarding lead took down all the details. DD very bravely came with me, even though she really didn’t want to.

They have also launched a bullying investigation, though they can only tell me certain information of what the outcome will be due the data protection, but given what we’ve shown them, they will take it very seriously and said “the future of exBF at the school will look very different to what it did yesterday”. The pastoral lead spoke to DD separately and told her that she wouldn’t be doing anything wrong by going to the police. DD is going to think about it. She doesn’t want to “ruin his life” she told me. I told her he’s ruined his own life, she’d only be going with the truth! She’s also worried about the friends who’ve taken his side. She’s actually cares about what these araeholes think and still wants their friendship

PPs were bang on BTW they did try to make it so DD would be moved classes and change teachers, as little scrutiny on them as they can attempt it seems!. She actually likes her teachers so didn’t want that but she also wants to be away from ex. I went in with a list in my head of what I would and wouldnt accept, and fought her corner.

Anyway - DD is home learning for the rest of the week. After that and for the time being, she will attend for lessons only (without changing classes) and is allowed to come home for free periods. It’s on her to revise and she knows this. Her ex and some ex friends are in a tutor group together so she is also allowed to skip that and her form tutor will email her any updates she’s missed. I’ve also contact private tutors for her free periods at home, and I’m waiting to hear back. This will be indefinite until things are settled or there’s an outcome whereby she feels comfortable being back in the normal swing of things. But she breaks up in April anyway so it won’t be for long no matter what happens.

So it’s a case of sitting and seeing what the outcome is from school and if DD goes to the police. I’m gonna keep working on her doing that.
the good news is that since she came home yesterday there’s been no contact from exBF. Hopefully this is the end no matter what.

Her friend who self harms sent her a big long paragraph of drivel about DD not understanding self harm and being unsupportive and how support she (the friend) is disappointment in her “mocking” self harm. Shes ignoring her for now. I’ve advised her to just put her school friendships on ice for now. Her and her cousins are going out on the town at the weekend so she’s something to look forward to with normal people who don’t guilt trip her.

I haven’t said it but I’m really worried that her ex might find out she’s out and turn up on her night out - but he’s 17 so hopefully can’t get in anywhere! Also my nieces are hard as nails so will probably scare him off 🤣

I wish someone had told me when I was in the newborn and toddler phase that I shouldn’t have sweated worrying so much about her not having had a poo in 5 days or if she’s not getting enough breast milk or worrying she hasn’t rolled over yet. I worried about so many small things and dreamed of how “when they’re older it will all be easier”. Oh how foolish I was! The real worries are these, scary abusive men and if she will be added to the list of women killed by an ex.

Im not having children in my next life that’s for sure.

This post resonated so much with me.
You’re an amazing mum, and your DD is very lucky to have you in her corner.

Best of luck 💐🩵

RedToothBrush · 30/01/2026 09:28

Carycach4 · 30/01/2026 08:17

You should have gone to tbe school long before this! The boy needs proper help! Realistically, if the boy is popular and charming, the situation will remedy itself very quickly as he will take up with someone else.

He will get together with one of the girls fawning over him saying the OP's daughter is horrid and unsympathetic. Probably a girl who is vulnerable...

crochetandshit · 30/01/2026 10:38

I'm late to this but I wanted to say re DD not wanting to ruin his life by going to the police that this could be the point at which he gets help. His parents and friends are actively enabling him at as he is still 17, this could be a valuable point at which he is guided towards help rather than prosecution as an adult.

The cushioning he gets from everyone at the moment is only reinforcing that he should get a pass on everything because of his mental health. This is so detrimental to your DD, his friends, his family and HIM. There is no accountability for him. Him feeling worse must be made better by everyone around him no matter the effects on them.
This isn't workable now let alone when he's an adult out navigating uni/jobs/marriage/parenting.

The sharp shock of police involvement could be the turning point in the understanding of his behaviour for him and his parents. If it's not, then the record of his behaviour is there and it going further or not is on him.

Connemaraa · 30/01/2026 11:10

RedToothBrush · 30/01/2026 09:28

He will get together with one of the girls fawning over him saying the OP's daughter is horrid and unsympathetic. Probably a girl who is vulnerable...

Show quote history

Yes and she will be strategically chosen and flaunted with various contrived public antics and SM posts in his attempt to continue to harass, humiliate and punish of OPs DD. These types are dangerous and revenge can get stuck ruminating in their heads for years and this is evidenced in all the DA research which shows risk is elevated for 2 years after leaving. If you look at recent cases the tragedies happened months later.

I am still very concerned for DDs physical safety. @GiggleAtAFuneralwas his self harm cutting? This worries me as he could have more knowledge, experience and access to knives than others.

I hope you and your DD are getting some rest. Is she planning to return to school on Monday? I would ensure that she or any of her friends don’t post anything about her movements or activities on SM that would inadvertently give him info or rattle him.

Original poster
GiggleAtAFuneral · 02/02/2026 17:23

Mini update.

the ex has been suspended. We only know this because side of DD’s school friends.

DD went back into school today. She went to her usual lessons, her ex obviously wasn’t there and there were a few people not speaking to her but equally some friends who were fine and had moved onto the next drama. She got come home during free periods as she’s still very wobbly about it all. The pastoral team are supporting her and have check in with her a few times today.

She hasn’t heard from her ex at all thank god. She still hasn’t gone to the police and is really unsure about it. I’m not pushing her to either.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/02/2026 17:31

That sounds positive, @GiggleAtAFuneral - I’m glad the school have acted decisively.

Connemaraa · 02/02/2026 17:57

GiggleAtAFuneral · 02/02/2026 17:23

Mini update.

the ex has been suspended. We only know this because side of DD’s school friends.

DD went back into school today. She went to her usual lessons, her ex obviously wasn’t there and there were a few people not speaking to her but equally some friends who were fine and had moved onto the next drama. She got come home during free periods as she’s still very wobbly about it all. The pastoral team are supporting her and have check in with her a few times today.

She hasn’t heard from her ex at all thank god. She still hasn’t gone to the police and is really unsure about it. I’m not pushing her to either.

I am glad there has been some progress and your DD has a return to ‘normality’ and is not enduring a backlash from her peers.

I find it odd / inadequate that the school didn’t update you about his suspension.

One it could have relieved any understandable anxiety she may have had about returning to school wondering if he would be there or not.

Also if she saw him somewhere out of school (during school hours) which is possible as she is out and about at these times now too - she may have been alarmed / shocked - wondering why he wasn’t in school and is she at risk.

Also how have other pupils been briefed on his suspension by the school and not your DD - or is this just rumour?