To take DD out of year 13 because of her abusive exBF and friends who’ve taken his side

[GiggleAtAFuneral]

My DD (18) split up with her first boyfriend of 1 year at the beginning of December.
It was a fine relationship at first but ended up turning very intense. DH and I helped her find the bravery to end things. Her BF was very jealous, would sulk if she went out with friends or wore certain outfits. We could actually see her changing in the way she carried herself. He then started to self harm in front of her. It really scared her. She stayed for about 3 months more than she wanted to as she was scared he’d commit suicide if she left (as he’d tell her he would). We had some very gentle conversations about how at her age relationships should be fun, not stressful, and she eventually took the brave step of dumping him.

He took the split really badly. They’re in sixth form together and it’s very awkward as a few shared friends have taken his side. It seems that MH issues/self harm trump every other situation and her friends think that a good girlfriend should be supportive rather than cut and run. He’s really milked his grief - his mum called DD from A&E on Boxing Day saying the exBF had taken on overdose. Of 8 paracetamol. He’s left her several 1 hour voice notes sobbing and begging to have her back.

DD has felt extremely guilty over all of this, which has been made worse by her friends. she pandered to her ex over Christmas - we have told her how manipulative he’s being but as anyone with a teen knows, you have to tread carefully and not ram messages down their throat to the point they feel pushed away. However by New Year she’d blocked him on everything. But he still managed to message her from others numbers, devices and to her email (which she doesn’t wanna give up as it’s linked to so much)

I’ve said we should go to the police, she won’t. I also wanted to involve the school, but she’s begged me not to as she thinks it will go away itself in time, and again I didn’t want to push her away by going against her wishes (until today).

It ramped up 2 weeks ago as he found out she started seeing someone new. He’s sent her big long messages which she won’t read (and short ones saying he’s going to commit suicide). He’s messaged her new BF with lies about her. She told her exBF to leave her alone for the first time. She’s tried speaking to his mum about it but has just got abuse back about how “he will never get over this”. Last night, he sent her a message with a picture of his self harm injuries.

DD had enough and replied saying “What do you want me to do with that, print it out and frame it?”
Not her finest hour I know. But she has had this manipulation for nearly 2 months and she just blew. I didn’t know this until I’ve just picked her up from school. She called me crying to collect her, as he’s screenshotted her message and shown all their friends. Her best friend has fallen out with her, because she also self harms and thinks DD is being really insensitive and says “If you treat self harms victims like that we can’t be friends”.

I dont like a lot of her mates and even less so since she split with exBF as some of their friends have given her a hard time because she broke up with him over text (which is what me and DH advised her to do).

I’ve asked the head of sixth form to call me, I’ve had enough now and need to protect my DD. This manipulative boy could ruin her A-Levels. She doesn’t ever want to go back to school because of him and how he’s turned their friends against her.

I really don’t think DD is the bad guy here at all. I think she has been pushed by an abusive boy to her limits, and I’m really sad to see how little her so-called friends understand coercive control. Her exBF is very popular and charming I think people think he can do no wrong.

I know this may sound like a knee jerk reaction but WIBU to send her to another sixth form half way through Upper 6th? I don’t see how she can have a steady time at school at such a crucial run up to A-Levels with so much animosity and an abusive ex lingering in all her lessons.

She goes to an amazing school I would be sad to take her out but even if he’s suspended (which I doubt he will be) she has to live with the bizarre stigma of dumping a popular boy.

She is convinced she wants to finish her learning and revision from home but I think it’s better she has a fresh start in a new school with support from teachers

So pleased the school seem to be taking it seriously. They really should consider expelling him, given they now have evidence of him committing such a serious crime. But at the very least, he needs to be moved into different classes and groups, not her.

Re: the police, don’t put any pressure on her speaking to them unless she really wants to. I could not disagree more strongly with others who say you should tell her she will be helping others by coming forward - that is too much pressure to put on anyone, let alone someone so young. It also reinforces the idea that if something happens to someone else down the line, she is partially responsible. Which is nonsense - the abusers alone are responsible for their actions. Women are not responsible for the crimes of men, particularly not those who abused them.

Going to the police and going through the criminal justice system is not an easy thing to do, and it has to be the individual’s choice, taken freely without guilt or pressure. It may well be what she chooses, and you have to consider if it is necessary for her own safety, but she will not thank you if the criminal matter is ongoing in a year and she feels you pressured her to report him and would have preferred to walk away. What he did absolutely is a crime, but the system is not easy for victims so it is up to her whether she wants to proceed. Perhaps arrange for her to speak to someone who can talk her through the process so she can make a decision?

Until April is probably doable. Can you try and request your daughter sit her exams in a different room or at least as far away from him and his pathetic admirers?

It sounds a bit like the 'friend' who is self harming is cut of the same cloth as weird ex. She can't be feeling that hard done by and insecure if she keeps coming at your dd. So she is into guilt tripping and emotional blackmail as well. Who is parenting these emotionally unstable yet assertive children?

Who is parenting these emotionally unstable yet assertive children?

Very probably the ones who subscribe to Gentle Parenting.

No boundaries, telling the child they're always right............. no consequences for bad behaviour.

Well he was talked down by a team of armed police there was someone from the mental health unit on site as well.. Was all over the media at the time. They didn't give names but I recognised the house. Awful experience for them.

It's pretty bad that all your DD's troubles have gone unnoticed Op, or worse if the school has turned a blind eye to them, it's lucky she's so close to leaving anyway.
I thought young women were getting better at calling out misogyny now but it seems from your posts I'm wrong, all your DD friends are still putting the boy's first, still far more worried about ruining a boy's life than the damage he's inflicted on your DD, that makes me sad. I hope you can gently persuade her that letting her Ex get away with his bad behaviour will only make him feel more entitled to do it to someone else

I would suggest logging it now with police. If it doesn’t escalate great - but if it does - you can say he’s escalated it.

I’m glad the meeting at school went well and hope you enjoy your well deserved fancy wine @GiggleAtAFuneral

I suggest that your DD ignores the self harming friend, deletes her message and blocks her on her phone. She’s not a real friend and your DD could do without dealing with her while coming to terms with what has happened. Do keep encouraging DD to speak to the police. She needs to stop feeling guilty about ruining his life as he has very nearly ruined hers.

I would also suggest your DD Locks down all her social media so that she can’t be tagged and others can post stuff about her
I would block all the friends& boyfriend

this kid will only leave her alone when he finds his next victim- girlfriend. As soon as he gets a new victim he will forget about your daughter

I would even go as far as getting a new phone number and start new insta / tick tok whatever SM she uses ( keep the old one and stuff it in a drawer on old phone or something )

The schools and even the police will generally suggest that the victim moves as that's the easy option for the school & police but not the easy option for your daughter

and if she goes to uni do your best for her not to tell her “friends “ where she is going

it will eventually all blow over but while it’s going on just stay strong for your daughter

Well done OP.

I don't even think it's about misogyny @Daleksatemyshed - the current state of play is that whoever has MH issues, or is ND is some way trumps anything else. Nobody is allowed to suggest that you can be ND AND an arsehole or you can have a genuine MH condition and still be abusive. People - especially teens - are terrified of being singled out as not HashtagBeKind.

It's pretty Orwellian to be honest. Teens reporting each other on social media for wrong-speak or wrong-think. It's a real thing and it's creating a horrible culture that likes to present as 'inclusive' but is actually anything, but.

Anyway, I digress. Well done to OP for advocating so well. School a bit wet but that's all part and parcel of our new drippy landscape. Keep going OP and love to your brave DD

I am hugely concerned here that they are not on top of evidence and stats that show his pattern and escalation of behaviours put your DD at very high physical risk. I would do your own research for a few stats from Gov.uk and I would proactively involve the police. There is no place for denial, minimising or complacency here.

The comment about speaking to the police re Claire’s law to protect another woman down the line is wrong headed - it’s your DD that needs protecting right now from a character who has the full communist party of red flags flapping for futher emotional violence or catastrophic physical violence.

Also your DD worried about ‘ruining his life’ - him ending her life directly or indirectly is the red light flashing risk right now for the next 2 years.

The police will know this - clearly the SLT are out of their depth / experience.

If your DD wants to help him - then he needs exposing to the professionals / MASH who can coordinate management.

Please continue to take this more seriously than the school and involve the police. Maybe you could have an off line conversation with their DA lead for advice?

I don’t see immediate police to be about court cases for stalking, harassment, coercive control etc down the line - I see it as necessary for the protection of OPs DD life right now.

I’m so glad to hear that your meeting went well and had a positive outcome. Your poor family going through this - sending hugs to you all. Who the hell does your daughters friend think she is - I hope she is thoroughly ashamed of herself when she realises she has been supporting a misogynistic abuser! Maybe one of these girls will go out with him next and experience first hand what he is capable of! Makes me mad! Well done to your daughter for seeing the light and getting out - it’s not easy - you should be super proud of her - which it sounds like you are - and it sounds like all us are too xxx

Yes, that's very true. It seems no one's allowed to just be worried anymore, or a bit down, it's all anxiety or MH problems. It's very strange to me how seeming to judge anyone for poor behaviour is very frowned on, you just don't appreciate how hard their life is or you'd be kinder, and yet they judge everyone who doesn't agree with them very harshly.

Well done for putting your case across to the school.
I think your DD will look back on this and will remember how you were in her corner. It will be comforting for her to know you are advocating for her so strongly and has your support x

I think your DD should forward this "friends" message to the school too... since it illustrates that the ex has enlisted other pupils, former friends, to have a go at her. It needs to be on the school's records that He's encouraging a group of people to turn on her and bully her to the extent that she didn't want to go to school. He's not the only person punishing her for the crime of breaking up with him. They are not primary children but almost school leavers, so they are aware and the impact is great. This is widening the abuse and much worse than if it was just him alone.

The school needs to keep an eye on the fact that just moving him might not be enough if his cheerleaders are in the same classes as your DD. The pastoral person should be dealing with this "friend" too. She cannot be allowed to continue her campaign under the guise of DD doesn't understand self harming.

It should also be reported because this girl clearly needs help and from what you've said is potentially spreading misinformation about self harming. The school needs to educate about this issue.

Perhaps you can ask a proper legal opinion about what happens if you report all this to the police. Can you just report it to have it on record, and then decide whether you and DD want to proceed or not?

If you are able to report it and just provide the evidence you have already collected without pressing charges, I would be tempted to do that because I think the school will be obliged to pay full attention to this issue and not just hope it will all die down, if they know its been reported to the police.

@OneNaiceSnail this is why I advocate self self defence/martial arts classes. My grandchildren do martial arts and none of them are bullied. Someone tried it once but never again 😉

Sorry, I’m not quite sure what your comment means? Obviously if necessary for her safety the police should be contacted, I felt that was clear in my post. My post was in response to all those posters saying that she should tell her daughter to go to the police in order to protect future victims. I was saying that I think that is a terrible thing to say to a young girl as it puts a lot of pressure on her to enter into a process she may otherwise choose not to.

This! You've done a brilliant job advocating for DD
Well done

That’s not what gentle parenting is. You’re thinking of permissive parenting- completely different.

Well done OP, that feels like a solid outcome. It would be useful if your DD would go to the police but I understand that feels like a big step. I think it’s so hard to recognise the severity of abuse when it’s not violent.

If the school do take action against the boy, no doubt he’ll be even more of a victim. Just be prepared for the ex-friends to be outraged on his behalf. I would keep the school looped in on any unpleasantness so they’re aware of what your DD is having to deal with. She sounds very strong and determined though - go DD!!

Have been following this thread, well done OP. You’ve kept calm and shown a brilliant example to your daughter about how to deal with these things calmly and thoroughly. Her life will be so different this time next year but she will remember how you advocated for her.

I’m so pleased that the meeting went the way it did, and - and I hope this won’t sound patronising - but I think you should feel really proud of how you’ve supported your daughter.

is the school aware of the messages from the friend as well as your daughters ex? It sounds like it be worth them addressing her behaviour with her too.

Well done OP.

In terms of contacting the police, I wanted to gently suggest that she does contact them. I posted earlier about my daughter being stalked by her ex boyfriend. She went to the police - she did want it documented in case it happened to someone else, but anyway, it was the start of a long process and if she had delayed, it would have simply delayed the process. She was treated with respect - she had a crime number to use if the ex turned up, which is really useful as you don't want to start explaining everything from scratch in a panic if there is an emergency. The police put a marker on our house and her place of work. They gave her info on support services - I think she did an online course for people who have been in her situation - and they checked overbour house and gave us advice on home security. They did speak to the ex - he chose to escalate, but he would have done that anyway. But I think it sent a message to his family that this was serious and they never approached any of us, even though I knew his mum quite well.

It only ruins their lives if they are arrested and charged and prosecuted. At this stage, they would most likely just warn him off. This is where it didn't go so well for us as they had him in 4 times I think without arresting him. I know they did take his phone to look for evidence. At first he didn't meet the threshold for arrest, but later on he did, and that was from yet another sweep of his phone.

You will obviously want some breathing space first but I think you should consider at least approaching the police about this. Hopefully it will be possible to have a conversation with an officer experienced in these matters to find out what might be involved, without committing your DD to anything.

One thing that strikes me is that they will treat him differently being only 17, than they would once he's 18, but it may be possible to get what has happened on record at least, even if no further action is taken at present.

You are right the needs and worries of babies toddlers are gerally simpler.

The response to friend support for mh self harm is "you need to access professional help. The school counsellor is xxx"

Suicidec threats report to safeguarding or 999.

Good luck to your dd to focus on revision and her exams. And yes she should speak to counsellor herself run thru strategies

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