To take DD out of year 13 because of her abusive exBF and friends who’ve taken his side

[GiggleAtAFuneral]

My DD (18) split up with her first boyfriend of 1 year at the beginning of December.
It was a fine relationship at first but ended up turning very intense. DH and I helped her find the bravery to end things. Her BF was very jealous, would sulk if she went out with friends or wore certain outfits. We could actually see her changing in the way she carried herself. He then started to self harm in front of her. It really scared her. She stayed for about 3 months more than she wanted to as she was scared he’d commit suicide if she left (as he’d tell her he would). We had some very gentle conversations about how at her age relationships should be fun, not stressful, and she eventually took the brave step of dumping him.

He took the split really badly. They’re in sixth form together and it’s very awkward as a few shared friends have taken his side. It seems that MH issues/self harm trump every other situation and her friends think that a good girlfriend should be supportive rather than cut and run. He’s really milked his grief - his mum called DD from A&E on Boxing Day saying the exBF had taken on overdose. Of 8 paracetamol. He’s left her several 1 hour voice notes sobbing and begging to have her back.

DD has felt extremely guilty over all of this, which has been made worse by her friends. she pandered to her ex over Christmas - we have told her how manipulative he’s being but as anyone with a teen knows, you have to tread carefully and not ram messages down their throat to the point they feel pushed away. However by New Year she’d blocked him on everything. But he still managed to message her from others numbers, devices and to her email (which she doesn’t wanna give up as it’s linked to so much)

I’ve said we should go to the police, she won’t. I also wanted to involve the school, but she’s begged me not to as she thinks it will go away itself in time, and again I didn’t want to push her away by going against her wishes (until today).

It ramped up 2 weeks ago as he found out she started seeing someone new. He’s sent her big long messages which she won’t read (and short ones saying he’s going to commit suicide). He’s messaged her new BF with lies about her. She told her exBF to leave her alone for the first time. She’s tried speaking to his mum about it but has just got abuse back about how “he will never get over this”. Last night, he sent her a message with a picture of his self harm injuries.

DD had enough and replied saying “What do you want me to do with that, print it out and frame it?”
Not her finest hour I know. But she has had this manipulation for nearly 2 months and she just blew. I didn’t know this until I’ve just picked her up from school. She called me crying to collect her, as he’s screenshotted her message and shown all their friends. Her best friend has fallen out with her, because she also self harms and thinks DD is being really insensitive and says “If you treat self harms victims like that we can’t be friends”.

I dont like a lot of her mates and even less so since she split with exBF as some of their friends have given her a hard time because she broke up with him over text (which is what me and DH advised her to do).

I’ve asked the head of sixth form to call me, I’ve had enough now and need to protect my DD. This manipulative boy could ruin her A-Levels. She doesn’t ever want to go back to school because of him and how he’s turned their friends against her.

I really don’t think DD is the bad guy here at all. I think she has been pushed by an abusive boy to her limits, and I’m really sad to see how little her so-called friends understand coercive control. Her exBF is very popular and charming I think people think he can do no wrong.

I know this may sound like a knee jerk reaction but WIBU to send her to another sixth form half way through Upper 6th? I don’t see how she can have a steady time at school at such a crucial run up to A-Levels with so much animosity and an abusive ex lingering in all her lessons.

She goes to an amazing school I would be sad to take her out but even if he’s suspended (which I doubt he will be) she has to live with the bizarre stigma of dumping a popular boy.

She is convinced she wants to finish her learning and revision from home but I think it’s better she has a fresh start in a new school with support from teachers

As someone who was in a turbulent manipulative coercive relationship at the age of 19, I feel terrible for you all for having to put up with this.

Honestly, your poor sweet DD. It’s not something she should be having to deal with at her age. Sadly, the way he’s going about his manipulation and harassment is probably not something many teenagers of her age would understand and so it’s not surprising he’s managed to turn her peers against her.

I would speak to the school about the situation. I know she won’t like it but the police really should be involved from the harassment side of it too. She’s blocked him and made it clear she wants not contact- this can’t continue. He won’t get into any serious trouble with the police at this stage, but they will speak with him and tell him he needs to stay away (I work for the police). The school will also pay more attention if they know the police are involved.

I think a fresh start away from it all will help her in the long run too. But the school/police need to be informed so that it’s on record in case it continues or escalates.

Also, for those parroting that she’s 18- lots of adult women need so much support successfully leaving an abusive relationship, and this is especially so if you’re still school aged.

She needs to report to the Police and school, it is coercive control. I have volunteered with DV survivors and this is a classic tactic. Look at Women’s aid website and show her that she will be believed, they do have a helpline as well.

here’s the campaign for greater awareness of coercive control in teenage relationships
www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c62r46wgn2eo

As someone has already said, moving schools at this stage is unlikely to be an option. It's too late. Finishing up the year from home may well be the best option. Yes, it's wrong that she should be the one to have to do this and not him, but given the overall situation with her peer group, being in school will be difficult and not something the staff can easily or quickly fix.

As for her peers taking his side - they are teenagers. They're immature. Even adults often fall in line with an abuser rather than the abused because it's easier and safer, and will pressure the victim to stay, again because it makes the abuser easier to manage.

Please make sure you tell her head of year absolutely everything that's going on, including the awful messages, the suicide threats, and the peer group bullying that's being heaped on your daughter. I would want an in person meeting ASAP, with senior team and safe guarding lead involved on top of the phone call. If the school want to call the police, agree.

I might even go as far as getting her a new phone with a different number that she doesn't share with this friend group, so you can track any more messages from him (and his bloody mother) but your daughter doesn't have to deal with him.

She's being tough and brave. Ditching an abuser is so difficult.

You sound such a caring supportive mother, OP. Similar happened to me when I was 18 but I had nowhere to go/no one to help me and it coloured my life for years. I agree with others, school and police. She needs to see that this is morally and legally wrong. She does not have any responsibility to this boy.

Thank you

Holly actually lived not too far from us and we spoke about her to DD. Her family’s campaign is so important.

The worst thing is the school have done lessons on abuse, control etc and how to spot it. Since about year 10! But when the culture with the pupils is that you should be nice and shoulder the MH problems of other people (because they all seem to have MH problems that they love telling DD all about, whilst also NEVER enquiring if my own DD is ok) it’s tricky. I do think the MH conversations have been overegged, not sure about other teen groups but my DD’s group seem to be full of people who break down at the tiniest of problems and then proceed to “call out” everyone who doesn’t crowd round and offer unlimited therapist-level time and support.

Yes I’m a bit surprised at the “She’s 18!” Comments.
she only turned 18 in September, she’s still my child and I’ll never ever not support her.
do people REALLY just stop helping out their kids the moment the clock strikes midnight on their 18th birthday?!

Thank you

Your daughter has MH issues now due to abuse.

MH issues are not an excuse for abuse.

This is the message that needs to get across.

If someone has mental health issues, it's ok for you to walk away if you can't cope to protect your own mental health.

I really wish I’d just gone to the school before now

For context, it’s been a difficult teenhood with DD. Her attitude was off the scale at one point and I learnt eventually that going for the jugular (which is the type of person I am) with “Your mates are awful, they expect too much of you” had her running away from me. I have to do that thing where you go in gentle to convince them of something , to the point they think it was their idea in the first place. Everything has been great between us since she started sixth form and I’m terrified of going back to the place we were at loggerheads all the time. So when she begged me to leave the school out of it I did, against my gut. I really regret it now.

It sounds horrific @GiggleAtAFuneral . You've had really good advice. I just wanted to add that it needs to be raised as a Safeguarding issue by the school, as the mum sounds as unstable and manipulative as the boyfriend. Your DD has put up with more than enough here. It's a police and school matter.

At this stage I would get an agreement from school that she can just go in for classes but then leave and not have to hang out in the common room if that's possible? I think the head of year needs to talk to him and his mother that he shouldn't be harassing you and that they will take action.

You should also contact police.

This.

I can’t understand how this has gone on so long. The whole group of them need educating in coercive control and what a good/bad relationship looks like. It can’t be a great school if they haven’t got this vibe by this age.

Just to add your DD needs to be safeguarded too she is under a huge emotional burden and abuse that is not hers.
The school have to know 18 or not, you are a good Mum.
Go to the police this is cohesive control it is threatening and damaging to her, emotional blackmail is abusive.
I work with people of this age and have encountered this time and again her friends are scared of what he will do, so scared of their part and unqualified with no tools to deal with it, to mitigate this are putting it back on her it's completely wrong of them.

Yes. It’s that intersection of mental health support versus what coercive control looks like. And also how that perspective is skewed when it’s happening in the wild and in your circle.
I agree also that there is a current tendency for all bad behaviour to be excused by the perpetrator and those around them as mental health. You can have compassion and understanding without having to be a crutch or a punchbag.
Your daughter should absolutely call out her “friends”
for supporting his coercive control.
Certainly her ex needs support - mainly so he doesn’t grow up thinking women have to complete him. I really hope the school come through for you and that your daughter involves the police. He’s certainly not going to become any less dangerous to himself or others without interventions.

If you have time before you speak to the head of 6th form, look up KCSIE 2025 (Keeping Children Safe in Education), specifically peer on peer abuse. It's the stautory Safeguarding document the school have to comply with and guidance on dealing with peer on peer abuse is an important part of it.

Oh @GiggleAtAFuneral please don’t beat yourself up at this, all of us would be the same

(Even the ‘she’s 18, leave her to it’ dickheads)

we will always think we should have acted sooner when things escalate, but this comes from the hope that the aggressor will get the message and back off. It’ll be interesting to see what the school says, don’t let them wriggle off the hook, if anyone ought to leave the classes, it’s the ex, not your DD quite frankly, but whatever works for her will be the best.

you are going to have to tell your dd that post splits you CAN lose friendships, and he is manipulative and a liar, she believed him for a while, so your far less invested friends could fall victim to his lies too.

in a few months she will be leaving and embarking on the next part of her journey, she will make new friends, leave all this behind and be happy.

she will have to seriously consider legal steps and police tho, if this situation doesn’t stop or show massive signs of de-escalation immediately. Just float that, with abusers/stalkers/harassment the response DOES have to be robust and effective. Tell her you’re telling her this, because she may need to go this far to stay safe. Remind her about Holly and tell her she is at severe risk of harm from him potentially and she will need to follow advice and guidance.

I just want to highlight @Crazylizardsss comment, as it's really good advice to have an in person meeting with SLT and safeguarding lead. This is too serious to just have a phone call about it. The school need an ongoing plan about how best to safeguard and support your daughter.
Also, if the school recommend involving the police ( which does seem necessary) and the school make it known it was their recommendation/ decision to do so, it takes the responsibility away from your daughter and her 'friends' can't blame her so much.
The boy needs to be the one who is excluded from school for his coercive and manipulative behaviour, as well as some urgent MH support supplied.
Your poor daughter, I hope the school can fully support her in the next few months.

Please make sure you tell her head of year absolutely everything that's going on, including the awful messages, the suicide threats, and the peer group bullying that's being heaped on your daughter. I would want an in person meeting ASAP, with senior team and safe guarding lead involved on top of the phone call. If the school want to call the police, agree.

I agree with PP. The school need to do much better on coercive control education. Her friends should have had the education to recognise what he's doing.

I actually think she did the right thing with the picture response. It's a first step to showing him the threats won't work.

I'd be worried she's gone straight into another realtionship and tbh concerned about the man who wants to be with someone who's still struggling like this because of the last one.

Speak to the school to see what can be put in place and do they are aware of his mh issues as obviously they need reporting.

Someone may have said this but …your area may have a youth IDVA service. These are experienced professionals working in the local domestic abuse service. This is their area and they can support you through the whole process. Good luck. We had something similar in Year 13 so I understand what you are going through. You will get through this.

Perhaps with some police intervention 18 is not too old for this young man to wise up. Although I don't fancy his chances with a mother who cheerleads for him and joins in with his abuse.

Anyway of course that's not you or your daughter's responsibility but it's horrible to think of all the hurt he's going to cause women through his lifetime.

I don't know exactly what you should do but please at least talk to the school. I hope they take it seriously and can help you figure out next steps. This is far too heavy a burden to be on just your family, especially your poor daughter.

I just wanted to say, with regards to coercive control and her friends spotting the abuse, that one of its features is that it hides in plain sight and that's what makes it coercive. The abuser will use it to control an entire family/friendship system. The abuser themselves may not fully understand that what they are doing is coercive control (although I think on some level they do know that what they are doing isn't entirely right, but a lot of work is put onto shifting the blame elsewhere, as in this case).

Coercers use other people to pin the victim in place and it works because those people are willing to be persuaded that what they are doing is morally right and necessary, as in helping the poor boy who is being driven to suicide by his heartless girlfriend. They are able to view themselves as decent, caring, mature people, with the added bonus of a bit of justified bullying on the side, because if it's justified it's not really bullying is it. They're not called flying monkeys for nothing. And the drama of all of this is very exciting to a bunch of 17 and 18 yos.

There will be others in the class who see him for what he is and avoid him like the plague.

Mh issues, self-harm, turning friends against her, 8 paracetamol overdoses........ people are taking his bullshit too seriously. He's a bully and needs to be dealt with like any other bully. He needs a slap.

Sending a handhold from me. My DD is only 12 and I can’t imagine how hard it has been for your DD and you & your DH. You’ve done your best and it sounds like talking to the school is a good move as well as the police. The good thing is that with all his texts/calls etc there will be lots of things to evidence his behaviour. Wishing you and your DD all the best x