To take DD out of year 13 because of her abusive exBF and friends who’ve taken his side

[GiggleAtAFuneral]

My DD (18) split up with her first boyfriend of 1 year at the beginning of December.
It was a fine relationship at first but ended up turning very intense. DH and I helped her find the bravery to end things. Her BF was very jealous, would sulk if she went out with friends or wore certain outfits. We could actually see her changing in the way she carried herself. He then started to self harm in front of her. It really scared her. She stayed for about 3 months more than she wanted to as she was scared he’d commit suicide if she left (as he’d tell her he would). We had some very gentle conversations about how at her age relationships should be fun, not stressful, and she eventually took the brave step of dumping him.

He took the split really badly. They’re in sixth form together and it’s very awkward as a few shared friends have taken his side. It seems that MH issues/self harm trump every other situation and her friends think that a good girlfriend should be supportive rather than cut and run. He’s really milked his grief - his mum called DD from A&E on Boxing Day saying the exBF had taken on overdose. Of 8 paracetamol. He’s left her several 1 hour voice notes sobbing and begging to have her back.

DD has felt extremely guilty over all of this, which has been made worse by her friends. she pandered to her ex over Christmas - we have told her how manipulative he’s being but as anyone with a teen knows, you have to tread carefully and not ram messages down their throat to the point they feel pushed away. However by New Year she’d blocked him on everything. But he still managed to message her from others numbers, devices and to her email (which she doesn’t wanna give up as it’s linked to so much)

I’ve said we should go to the police, she won’t. I also wanted to involve the school, but she’s begged me not to as she thinks it will go away itself in time, and again I didn’t want to push her away by going against her wishes (until today).

It ramped up 2 weeks ago as he found out she started seeing someone new. He’s sent her big long messages which she won’t read (and short ones saying he’s going to commit suicide). He’s messaged her new BF with lies about her. She told her exBF to leave her alone for the first time. She’s tried speaking to his mum about it but has just got abuse back about how “he will never get over this”. Last night, he sent her a message with a picture of his self harm injuries.

DD had enough and replied saying “What do you want me to do with that, print it out and frame it?”
Not her finest hour I know. But she has had this manipulation for nearly 2 months and she just blew. I didn’t know this until I’ve just picked her up from school. She called me crying to collect her, as he’s screenshotted her message and shown all their friends. Her best friend has fallen out with her, because she also self harms and thinks DD is being really insensitive and says “If you treat self harms victims like that we can’t be friends”.

I dont like a lot of her mates and even less so since she split with exBF as some of their friends have given her a hard time because she broke up with him over text (which is what me and DH advised her to do).

I’ve asked the head of sixth form to call me, I’ve had enough now and need to protect my DD. This manipulative boy could ruin her A-Levels. She doesn’t ever want to go back to school because of him and how he’s turned their friends against her.

I really don’t think DD is the bad guy here at all. I think she has been pushed by an abusive boy to her limits, and I’m really sad to see how little her so-called friends understand coercive control. Her exBF is very popular and charming I think people think he can do no wrong.

I know this may sound like a knee jerk reaction but WIBU to send her to another sixth form half way through Upper 6th? I don’t see how she can have a steady time at school at such a crucial run up to A-Levels with so much animosity and an abusive ex lingering in all her lessons.

She goes to an amazing school I would be sad to take her out but even if he’s suspended (which I doubt he will be) she has to live with the bizarre stigma of dumping a popular boy.

She is convinced she wants to finish her learning and revision from home but I think it’s better she has a fresh start in a new school with support from teachers

Your poor daughter, having to deal with this nut job who could not make it more obvious that her feelings are of no concern to him. He sounds potentially dangerous, and his mother needs a punch on the nose.

She must be exhausted. I must say that my reaction to her text response was delight that she has some spirit left in her. Shame she's surrounded by arseholes.

Her situation is so extreme, it's like one of us being stalked at work and all our colleagues ganging up against us. No wonder she would rather be home schooled. I hope the school can come up with a better alternative, but if not, I'd be looking for a damage limitation exercise at this point so close to exams, which may mean her ducking out and lying low to complete her studies rather than face the daily burden of all this headfuckery.

Good luck with the meeting tomorrow. I hope you can go along armed with reams of evidence, per PP's suggestion.

You must tell the school. It is important that they know so they can make sure school is a safe place for her to finish her studies. Year 13 is a crucial one and it’s such a gamble to take her out in that it could affect her exam results and consequently her future. That would be so unfair on her. I also think it’s important that this boy is flagged up as a concern and hopefully he can be supported to change his behaviour, as it may well happen to someone else and if there is a record of this it could mean another young woman thinks twice or else leaves the relationship quickly if he continues this pattern of abuse. Good luck, what a horrible thing to happen to your daughter.

This is very serious and your daughter is at risk of being attacked/killed by this mentally unstable boy. Sounds like her and her friends have not had enough education about emotional abuse, coercion and control in relationships. I'd look up some short films by UK police forces/DV charities/government etc on the subject and urge her to watch them.

Sounds like she's already made up her mind not to return to that school. Sounds like a really sensible move. She needs to remove herself physically and mentally from that awful situation. Things like this can really affect grades and also her future self worth and friendships. She could just go to a college to finish her courses and exams or a different 6th form college. I don't think studying at home is a good idea at this stage.

Good for her for sending him that message. He's sent her months of emotional manipulation and she finally sends back a message deserving of his shite. I would say it WAS her finest moment. She should be proud for leaving him and not being sucked into his awful, manipulative mind games. And for all those sticking up for him because of his "mental health" - what are they doing to help him get the help he claims to need? Your daughter isn't responsible for his wellbeing.

I hope she blocks him, his family and all her shitty ex-friends and moves on with her life in a positive way.

Part of helping her avoid future dodgy relationships is by making it clear decisions about her life are for her to make, not committee decisions. She almost certainly does have the ability to decide how to finish this academic year with a bit of time to reflect.

OP, if your daughter changes her choice for uni. Ask her to keep this very secret, he could find out and try and change to her uni and you'll be back at square one.

What a prick he is. I say this as I was a 17 year old in an abusive relationship who didn't leave because it was just his MH that made him call me stupid and punch things when they didn't go his way 🙄

Whatever you do keep her on roll.
So exams arranged etc

Also wanted to add, everyone I talked to minimized what he was like, having someone to back me up would have been amazing. Your daughter will appreciate it.

I’m so sorry your DD is going through this. She sounds like a lovely girl and has been really sensible and mature in dealing with this.

I would advise you all not to make any decisions on school until you’ve met with the school. If you mention homeschooling to them then you are likely to remove the incentive for them to take any action to support her in school. If you go in firmly, ideally with some ideas of what you want the outcomes to be, then you can make your decision after.

I would be really reticent to make educational changes at this point if there are changes school can do that your daughter would be happy with - worth chatting to her about that.

I would suggest looking into the police avenue as this really needs to be recorded for her safety.

Every time your DD gets threats of self harm
from him, call the police for a welfare check. It will create a record of his well being and also most likely means he will stop those messages.

Taking her out of school isn't the answer, it will isolate her further. He will still turn people against her, stalk and harass her, she needs to seek out help. Xx

you are just right to seek action from school and police. This boy gets his MH issues from his mother if she thinks she has any right to coerce a girl to stay with her son despite abuse. I’d press charges against her or seek a restraining order from both of them

I'm so sorry your dd is having to go through this. I totally disagree with anyone saying she's 18 so she can deal with it. I'd say the same if it was your sister, I don't think age makes any difference when you get hit with soomething like this and she will need lots of support.

The exBf is being a professional victim. He's using his 'victim' status to try to continue abusing and manipulating your dd. At least she sees it for what it is now but it's an awful thing to have to deal with however old you are.

At least the school seem to be being helpful and I would work with them to support your dd and make sure she does her A levels and can carry on with her life.

I would definitely involve the police. This has crossed the line from a bad break up to something much more sinister.

You sound like you are doing everything you can to support your dd and I really don't think this is a time to step back and let her make her own decisions as some posters are suggesting. Of course, the decisions are up to her but she needs help with this.

And the 'what am I suppose to do with it' response is spot on. She shouldn't be ashamed of that. Standing up to this bully is what's needed. Show him the blinkers are off and she is seeing through his appalling behaviour.

As for her friends, you're right. Too many young people are so self absorbed with their imaginary MH issues that I don't now how they're going to function in the real world. They don't know how to see through the bs that others manufacture to get their own way either. It's very sad that your dd has had to experience her so-called friends siding with an abuser.

OP stay strong I really.think you have handled this and supported your daughter really well, as the morher of a student 6 weeks older. Yes she is 18 as other have said, but shes still at school and even when at uni they still need support, we just cant give it the same way. I hope you get help tomorrow

I don’t care if she’s 45. This is still coercive control , emotional abuse and harassment. Your poor daughter. She’s really lucky to have a mum like you.

With his mother it's no wonder he is like that. His mother is the same. Awful situation.

You are 100% right, you need to protect your DDs mental health and wellbeing. She cannot continue to be drowned in the environment her so called friends are putting her in. Wtf.

Would the school support home working? Could they offer some hours of tuition at home? She's done most of the curriculum already I suspect, so schooling at home as long as the school will support this is a good way forward, though if she could settle into another school that runs the same curriculum that would be amazing and likely the best option for her. Does she know people her age at other schools already? Such a shame the government added Vat to private schooling cos you might have found for reasonable cost a private school would have helped her through her last 2 terms...

People who parrot that usually either have older dc they washed their hands of the moment they turned 18 as they couldn't be bothered with them or have younger kids they plan to do the same to. Normal people support family members they care about at any age.

I don't see anything wrong with your daughter's reply, other than the fact that the slimy sh*t of an ex-boyfriend is using it to cause her continued grief.

I came very late to this thread but it's very distressing. I'm very glad she has you supporting her; she still requires a lot of guidance and help in this scenario.

You have covered everything, Op. The only thing I would stress based on experience (in a work capacity as a surveillance contractor, now p/t) is to be aware that his behaviour can become physical stalking and he shows the signs of someone who poses a physical risk to her.

This makes it vital to go to the police with this, not delaying.

She is at a time when the risk to her is at its greatest, since she has started seeing someone else; his 'I will k* myself' threats can easily become 'I will come after you', and this is often how this kind of threat develops.

I have 15 years of experience in a professional capacity in dealing with such situations. Feel free to message. She needs police awareness.

It's ridiculous that he and his mother are behaving as if she doesn't have the right to end the relationship. Of course she does. I remember being dumped as a teenager and feeling shocked for a couple of days, then moving on. His mental health issues are not your dd's responsibility or fault.
I had a mother whose mental health issues meant that no one else's emotions ever mattered. Only hers. So I sympathise with what you said about her friends. Even when I was widowed my mum would tell everyone I was fine as she was worried the attention would be directed away from her who still has a dh.

Contact the police. He sounds unpredictable and possibly dangerous. You don’t want to look back and think. “ I wish I’d done that” why has she not blocked his number?

You can very easily get as non-molestation order yourself through the family court. It’s free and easy to apply/represent yourself. She has enough evidence to justify it and the bar in civil court is set at a much lower level than in criminal court (they work off of the balance of probabilities rather than just cold hard evidence, which you have anyway). For it to be progressed through the police as a criminal offence you’ll need tons of police reports and the CPS would take months to progress it and likely not even bother.

Family court will schedule a hearing within a few days and make any contact from him or others on his behalf a criminal offence (bypassing the barriers involved in a criminal prosecution). You need to make sure the order has powers of arrest attached and the police will have to arrest him and haul him straight into criminal court for punishment anytime he breaches it.

I think you have handled this extremely well OP. I hope that you, your husband and daughter can plan this evening, your approach to the school. The school absolutely should be putting in measures to protect your daughter, as this is a safeguarding issue. She shouldn't have to change schools to complete her studies, or study from home either. Your daughter isn't in the wrong here, and shouldn't be made to feel she has to hide away due to someone else's dreadful behaviour.

I suspect that the young man has spun his Mum a yarn, and she's believed every word he's told her. Of course she's going to stand by her son, as far as she's concerned, he's not done anything wrong. However, she's extremely wrong to put the blame onto your daughter for her son taking 8 paracetamol.

As for your daughter's so called 'friends'...they aren't. No one should be making your daughter feel guilty for ending a relationship, it's her choice to do so. MH issues doesn't give someone the right to treat other people like crap. It's also not a reason to accept poor behaviour from someone either. MH doesn't absolve someone of all responsibility and accountability.

I recall a similar situation when I was a teenager many years ago. I wasn't the victim - it was a girl in the year above me.

We begged her to leave him, but she didn't. He started to become physically abusive. I've no idea why her parent or school staff didn't intervene - the bruises were visible. I often wonder about her.

The school has a duty of care towards the OP's daughter.

I agree with those who have suggested phoning the police for a welfare check any time the ex threatens suicide again - and of course the coercive control must be reported.

Please report to the police. While they may do
nothing do, this could may well help another woman in the future. If this is how he behaves now I can only imagine him in his 20s 30s etc

A level teacher here so I just wanted to pitch in with the educational advice. You’ve already had loads of good input on the relationship, police involvement etc.
Firstly, moving schools in sixth form is a non starter. They will be doing different exam boards and tackling the units in a different order. It’s not possible to transfer and have any meaningful chance at success.
Secondly, working from home trying to replicate lessons isn’t a thing for sixth formers. They think it is, but it isn’t. Many a parent is told that the young adult is working from home, but they are only skimming the surface. Slides are constructed with the classroom context in mind and most ‘deep collaborative learning’ notes are made by hand on visualiser. So following class slides only really opens up half of the content of the lesson.
However, there are resources which seek to replicate the classroom experience with content designed for the remote learning context (unlike classroom resources). These are not cheap, but maybe in the very difficult circumstances of your DD a solution is necessary. Look at Uplearn and other similar remote learning packages. They include remote contact with tutors and feedback from marking to justify the exorbitant cost.
This is what I would do if my DD was in this situation in A level journey.

FutureLearn is another option.