To take DD out of year 13 because of her abusive exBF and friends who’ve taken his side

[GiggleAtAFuneral]

My DD (18) split up with her first boyfriend of 1 year at the beginning of December.
It was a fine relationship at first but ended up turning very intense. DH and I helped her find the bravery to end things. Her BF was very jealous, would sulk if she went out with friends or wore certain outfits. We could actually see her changing in the way she carried herself. He then started to self harm in front of her. It really scared her. She stayed for about 3 months more than she wanted to as she was scared he’d commit suicide if she left (as he’d tell her he would). We had some very gentle conversations about how at her age relationships should be fun, not stressful, and she eventually took the brave step of dumping him.

He took the split really badly. They’re in sixth form together and it’s very awkward as a few shared friends have taken his side. It seems that MH issues/self harm trump every other situation and her friends think that a good girlfriend should be supportive rather than cut and run. He’s really milked his grief - his mum called DD from A&E on Boxing Day saying the exBF had taken on overdose. Of 8 paracetamol. He’s left her several 1 hour voice notes sobbing and begging to have her back.

DD has felt extremely guilty over all of this, which has been made worse by her friends. she pandered to her ex over Christmas - we have told her how manipulative he’s being but as anyone with a teen knows, you have to tread carefully and not ram messages down their throat to the point they feel pushed away. However by New Year she’d blocked him on everything. But he still managed to message her from others numbers, devices and to her email (which she doesn’t wanna give up as it’s linked to so much)

I’ve said we should go to the police, she won’t. I also wanted to involve the school, but she’s begged me not to as she thinks it will go away itself in time, and again I didn’t want to push her away by going against her wishes (until today).

It ramped up 2 weeks ago as he found out she started seeing someone new. He’s sent her big long messages which she won’t read (and short ones saying he’s going to commit suicide). He’s messaged her new BF with lies about her. She told her exBF to leave her alone for the first time. She’s tried speaking to his mum about it but has just got abuse back about how “he will never get over this”. Last night, he sent her a message with a picture of his self harm injuries.

DD had enough and replied saying “What do you want me to do with that, print it out and frame it?”
Not her finest hour I know. But she has had this manipulation for nearly 2 months and she just blew. I didn’t know this until I’ve just picked her up from school. She called me crying to collect her, as he’s screenshotted her message and shown all their friends. Her best friend has fallen out with her, because she also self harms and thinks DD is being really insensitive and says “If you treat self harms victims like that we can’t be friends”.

I dont like a lot of her mates and even less so since she split with exBF as some of their friends have given her a hard time because she broke up with him over text (which is what me and DH advised her to do).

I’ve asked the head of sixth form to call me, I’ve had enough now and need to protect my DD. This manipulative boy could ruin her A-Levels. She doesn’t ever want to go back to school because of him and how he’s turned their friends against her.

I really don’t think DD is the bad guy here at all. I think she has been pushed by an abusive boy to her limits, and I’m really sad to see how little her so-called friends understand coercive control. Her exBF is very popular and charming I think people think he can do no wrong.

I know this may sound like a knee jerk reaction but WIBU to send her to another sixth form half way through Upper 6th? I don’t see how she can have a steady time at school at such a crucial run up to A-Levels with so much animosity and an abusive ex lingering in all her lessons.

She goes to an amazing school I would be sad to take her out but even if he’s suspended (which I doubt he will be) she has to live with the bizarre stigma of dumping a popular boy.

She is convinced she wants to finish her learning and revision from home but I think it’s better she has a fresh start in a new school with support from teachers

Providing her with some form of therapy might be a good idea. Also, you can refer her or she can refer herself to your local DA organisation as they can provide her with support in staying safe from the abuser and in understanding what happened to her.

My friend had this situation with her daughter. It escalated. One day he went to the house and held the family at knifepoint for four hours.

He was talked down, went to court and got a four year prison sentence.

hope all goes well at the meeting tomorrow, OP. You sound like you’re thinking very clearly about this and I totally agree that even though she’s 18 she’s still a child and needs your help.

I feel for your DD, and also feel its important she does go to the police - it's coercive control and it's harassment.

Not only will she help herself she may give him the early intervention he needs to change his ways and see that it's not acceptable.

8 paracetamol is the daily maximum dose, and would be unlikely to do any major harm, as they are packed in 16's he would have known this, which shows it was all about coercion rather than a genuine suicidal attempt.

Your daughter should have blocked him on her phone after she dumped him.

You should have taken her to the Police a very long time ago for a restraining order.

Well what a jerk he is, learning early about how to abuse women!
His parents should be ashamed of him.
Go heavy on the school for not protecting your daughter from him. Get the police to contact his parents.
I would just not accept this happening to my girl.
I do think she should now focus on her A levels, not having a new boyfriend.

Wow. Without wishing to derail, who talked him down, and how? I'm curious to know the tactics they used - may help anyone who finds themselves in such a situation. I do hope OP never does, but the risk is certainly there.

What I always find very disappointing is that offenders in cases like this never seem to get psychiatric treatment which they clearly need in order to protect the community and of course prevent the offender from reoffending.

Inform the Police as this is now a Criminal Matter and very concerning behaviour on his part.

Has her Dad not gone round snd threatened to break his legs? Don't Dads do that anymore?

Do you mean @justasking111?

This is mn so no one believes in violence. There was a known school bully in my daughter’s school, she ignored my eldest but when my youngest started year 7 she started on her on the bus one day. I met the bully off the bus, I won’t go into detail but I got arrested and that was it for a year and a half. I don’t know what went through the bullies mind a year and a half later but she started on her on the bus again. I met her off the bus again. Got arrested again. There wasn’t a third time. This daughter is in year 10 now and the bully’s not even looked at her since.
I got banned off here for a while after reading a thread where the ops daughter was suffering horrific domestic violence. She was looking for book recommendations. Actual book recommendations for her daughter who was in the process of being murdered. I’d reply I’d prefer to hit him with my car. I’m still affronted about the ban, I stand by what I said

Some individuals really do not like to be told no.
There is a type of person who will seek to violate someone's boundary again and again. It's as if tearing down that boundary become their obsession.

That safeguarding lead is an angel .

Yes, sorry 🤡🤦🏻‍♀️

Had the meeting this morning

Just wanted to say thank you for all the advice! It was honestly so helpful and it armed me so well today.

So, I presented all the messages, pictures and harassment and the safeguarding lead took down all the details. DD very bravely came with me, even though she really didn’t want to.

They have also launched a bullying investigation, though they can only tell me certain information of what the outcome will be due the data protection, but given what we’ve shown them, they will take it very seriously and said “the future of exBF at the school will look very different to what it did yesterday”. The pastoral lead spoke to DD separately and told her that she wouldn’t be doing anything wrong by going to the police. DD is going to think about it. She doesn’t want to “ruin his life” she told me. I told her he’s ruined his own life, she’d only be going with the truth! She’s also worried about the friends who’ve taken his side. She’s actually cares about what these araeholes think and still wants their friendship

PPs were bang on BTW they did try to make it so DD would be moved classes and change teachers, as little scrutiny on them as they can attempt it seems!. She actually likes her teachers so didn’t want that but she also wants to be away from ex. I went in with a list in my head of what I would and wouldnt accept, and fought her corner.

Anyway - DD is home learning for the rest of the week. After that and for the time being, she will attend for lessons only (without changing classes) and is allowed to come home for free periods. It’s on her to revise and she knows this. Her ex and some ex friends are in a tutor group together so she is also allowed to skip that and her form tutor will email her any updates she’s missed. I’ve also contact private tutors for her free periods at home, and I’m waiting to hear back. This will be indefinite until things are settled or there’s an outcome whereby she feels comfortable being back in the normal swing of things. But she breaks up in April anyway so it won’t be for long no matter what happens.

So it’s a case of sitting and seeing what the outcome is from school and if DD goes to the police. I’m gonna keep working on her doing that.
the good news is that since she came home yesterday there’s been no contact from exBF. Hopefully this is the end no matter what.

Her friend who self harms sent her a big long paragraph of drivel about DD not understanding self harm and being unsupportive and how support she (the friend) is disappointment in her “mocking” self harm. Shes ignoring her for now. I’ve advised her to just put her school friendships on ice for now. Her and her cousins are going out on the town at the weekend so she’s something to look forward to with normal people who don’t guilt trip her.

I haven’t said it but I’m really worried that her ex might find out she’s out and turn up on her night out - but he’s 17 so hopefully can’t get in anywhere! Also my nieces are hard as nails so will probably scare him off 🤣

I wish someone had told me when I was in the newborn and toddler phase that I shouldn’t have sweated worrying so much about her not having had a poo in 5 days or if she’s not getting enough breast milk or worrying she hasn’t rolled over yet. I worried about so many small things and dreamed of how “when they’re older it will all be easier”. Oh how foolish I was! The real worries are these, scary abusive men and if she will be added to the list of women killed by an ex.

Im not having children in my next life that’s for sure.

thank you for the update. It sounds like it went pretty well. I hope this is the beginning of a big change for you both and for your DD.

@GiggleAtAFuneral tell her that she will be helping other women in the future if she goes to the police , unless someone stops him this sort of behaviour will only escalate .

Thank you @GiggleAtAFuneral .

I'm hoping that the school will move the boy to another class? Yes, in my experience, schools tend to try to make life easier for themselves by offering to move the victim - basically because they're too scared of upsetting the bully's parent. In this case, of course, it's much worse. The boy is actually a stalker.

IMO, this is why your daughter really should go to the police. It will give the school more ammunition and make it easier for them to act. I know that they should have the gumption simply to move him, but many SLTs are weak. [ETA I worked in Scottish secondaries for 40 yrs. Perhaps our SLTs simply aren't as strict, but those that I saw just wanted problems to go away.]

If there's police involvement, it might be that the school can go further than simply moving the boy to another class.

I'm glad that your daughter has support from her cousins.

Exactly - if he is this manipulative and self absorbed already at 17, his future relationships will thank her

OP, I voted YABU purely because I was so incensed on behalf of your daughter (and you) that she should be the one to suffer disruption on top of everything else she has been dealing with. I'm so glad to hear that the meeting with school went well. I know it's not over yet (especially the pressure and nastiness from the arsehole "friends") but at least you've been able to open teachers' eyes to the real situation. Best of luck to your daughter - thank goodness she has you to advocate for her and be such a support.

It sounds like the meeting went well and you did a great job of supporting her and advocating for her.

Let’s hope that the school follow through.

I agree, yes I had to push them to say that my DD as the victim shouldn’t have to move. If they’d had their way she’d have been the one to move!

Absolutely top parenting OP. Well done and I wish your daughter all the best for her A Levels. I have an 18 year old and I can only hope that I would be able to support her as well as you have done.

Thanks all

im buying a very expensive wine tonight to steady my nerves!