To take DD out of year 13 because of her abusive exBF and friends who’ve taken his side

[GiggleAtAFuneral]

My DD (18) split up with her first boyfriend of 1 year at the beginning of December.
It was a fine relationship at first but ended up turning very intense. DH and I helped her find the bravery to end things. Her BF was very jealous, would sulk if she went out with friends or wore certain outfits. We could actually see her changing in the way she carried herself. He then started to self harm in front of her. It really scared her. She stayed for about 3 months more than she wanted to as she was scared he’d commit suicide if she left (as he’d tell her he would). We had some very gentle conversations about how at her age relationships should be fun, not stressful, and she eventually took the brave step of dumping him.

He took the split really badly. They’re in sixth form together and it’s very awkward as a few shared friends have taken his side. It seems that MH issues/self harm trump every other situation and her friends think that a good girlfriend should be supportive rather than cut and run. He’s really milked his grief - his mum called DD from A&E on Boxing Day saying the exBF had taken on overdose. Of 8 paracetamol. He’s left her several 1 hour voice notes sobbing and begging to have her back.

DD has felt extremely guilty over all of this, which has been made worse by her friends. she pandered to her ex over Christmas - we have told her how manipulative he’s being but as anyone with a teen knows, you have to tread carefully and not ram messages down their throat to the point they feel pushed away. However by New Year she’d blocked him on everything. But he still managed to message her from others numbers, devices and to her email (which she doesn’t wanna give up as it’s linked to so much)

I’ve said we should go to the police, she won’t. I also wanted to involve the school, but she’s begged me not to as she thinks it will go away itself in time, and again I didn’t want to push her away by going against her wishes (until today).

It ramped up 2 weeks ago as he found out she started seeing someone new. He’s sent her big long messages which she won’t read (and short ones saying he’s going to commit suicide). He’s messaged her new BF with lies about her. She told her exBF to leave her alone for the first time. She’s tried speaking to his mum about it but has just got abuse back about how “he will never get over this”. Last night, he sent her a message with a picture of his self harm injuries.

DD had enough and replied saying “What do you want me to do with that, print it out and frame it?”
Not her finest hour I know. But she has had this manipulation for nearly 2 months and she just blew. I didn’t know this until I’ve just picked her up from school. She called me crying to collect her, as he’s screenshotted her message and shown all their friends. Her best friend has fallen out with her, because she also self harms and thinks DD is being really insensitive and says “If you treat self harms victims like that we can’t be friends”.

I dont like a lot of her mates and even less so since she split with exBF as some of their friends have given her a hard time because she broke up with him over text (which is what me and DH advised her to do).

I’ve asked the head of sixth form to call me, I’ve had enough now and need to protect my DD. This manipulative boy could ruin her A-Levels. She doesn’t ever want to go back to school because of him and how he’s turned their friends against her.

I really don’t think DD is the bad guy here at all. I think she has been pushed by an abusive boy to her limits, and I’m really sad to see how little her so-called friends understand coercive control. Her exBF is very popular and charming I think people think he can do no wrong.

I know this may sound like a knee jerk reaction but WIBU to send her to another sixth form half way through Upper 6th? I don’t see how she can have a steady time at school at such a crucial run up to A-Levels with so much animosity and an abusive ex lingering in all her lessons.

She goes to an amazing school I would be sad to take her out but even if he’s suspended (which I doubt he will be) she has to live with the bizarre stigma of dumping a popular boy.

She is convinced she wants to finish her learning and revision from home but I think it’s better she has a fresh start in a new school with support from teachers

When she broke up with him and he begged her not to, she messaged “If I stayed it would only be out of pity” and he replied “That’s ok I can cope with that” 🙄

I had a similar experience at 6th form down to the friends taking his side and constant messages (late 90's, he bought a phone just to text me!).
I found out last year he has commited suicide a few years before. He had left a suicide note on his FB page referring to our break up as the 'start of his MH issues'. We went on about 4 dates!
Please get her to seek support and report to the police.

It's really inappropriate for a parent to be messaging a child's ex in almost any situation.

More so if they are under 18 at the time.

I'd encourage her to stay at school (mixed with home studying as needed) if at all possible. It's nearly the end of Jan, exams start in May, plus there's half term and the Easter holidays in between - probably less than 10 full weeks left in school if she can just get her head down. I know it's horrible if her friends are all supporting him (talk about feminism!)

Maybe get her thinking about some fun stuff to do once her exams are finished. Go shopping for uni stuff if she's planning on going and looking at what clubs etc she can join. Does she have a part time job? Might be a good shout to try and get something for the summer holidays, if she gets one where lots of other young people work it could give her a confidence boost about making new (better!) friends going forward.

I agree with you about the mental health "top trumps" BTW. I bet she's spent a lot of time with her "best friend" discussing best friends thoughts, feelings, struggles, then the moment it comes for best friend to not be the centre of attention for once and support her, she's turned on her!

I actually suspect that the school safeguarding is already involved as when he went to A&E (if that’s even true) wouldn’t the hospital inform the school or social services? He’s only 17 so still a child.
Not that I’ll find out either way!

You can be sympathetic about mental health but unless you are trained as a mental health nurse and have specialist training there's a limit to how much you can support. They need professional help not friends / girlfriends if it reaches that level.

It's the point about the oxygen mask.

You can't help anyone else if you don't have your own oxygen mask on first.

If you can't protect your own mental health you are no good to anyone else anyway. So if someone else's mental health issues are having an impact to the degree that it harms you then the relationship has run it's course.

That applies to both the ex boyfriend and the other female friend.

I’m taking her to Amsterdam in June after her final exams
I’ll be there for work, she’s gonna fly out, I’ve paid myself to have my hotel/flights extended so we can have 3 days in the city. Just us 2, so excited!

And yes that’s what her best friend is like. DD has a very annoying propensity to have conversations on speaker phone (why do they do this?!) and I can hear her friend banging on about her parents, boyfriends, school work, MH problems, etc and I never ever hear her say “how are you”

DD is young and of course you want to support her in this very difficult situation, but the way you talk about 'letting' her do certain things and 'taking her out of school' isn't appropriate for someone who is legally an adult.

She’s still at school. Parental responsibility doesn’t stop with schools just because they turn 18

And I think I said the only thing I’m “letting her do” is gaming instead of school work?
Again she’s still at school, I’m not forcing her to do schoolwork at home.

But she needs to take a decision about what to do. You can't remove her from school if she wants to stay. You can only help her decide. You are talking as if the decision is yours, and it isn't.

She’s not capable of making an informed decision about her education

The fairies didn’t come on her 18th birthday and bestow her with huge amounts of wisdom.

As I’ve said I’ve asked her what she wants, I’ve listened and it will be a decision we’ll make as a family.

Nothing useful to add but best wishes to you and your daughter - you sound like a lovely mum and I hope the school are able to facilitate whats needed to get her through her exams

my DD is 18 in March and of course I wouldn’t be not supporting her like some of you think. This is complex and she needs her mum to support her. 18 or 30, if my child needs help, i’m there. Some odd views on this forum. I’d speak to the school and consider onward reporting. This is not ok.

@GiggleAtAFuneral are DD and her ex both planning to go on to university in September? Hopefully living far away from each other?

One practical suggestion I have, is if DD and abusive ex are studying any popular subjects with more than one year group being taught, such as English or History, they are now moved into different classes. If this isn’t possible, the school needs to come up with suggestions of keeping your DD safely away from him.

I definitely agree with pp who say contact the police. I’d make the initial police report about the ex and his mother whether DD agrees or not.

The fact that he is self harming would be enough for me flag to the college that he needs help. He's blackmailing your DD into staying with him by threatening suicide and the like.
He needs assessing by the college for MH issues and signposted to facilities that will help him.
Your poor DD - she's made mistakes but she shouldn't ostracised by so called friends - who themselves should be telling the college that he is showing signs of needing help and offering both of them support.

I don’t know why everyone acts like you don’t help your kids out. There’s a thread on here about a married woman in the Middle East who discovered cheating and she was on the phone to her parents who were supporting her as good parents do!

The school will want to protect themselves in this as much as possible, as this is a serious safeguarding issue. They will want to appear to follow procedures as much as actually sorting the situation out. Be very firm about what you and your daughter want to get out of that meeting, be clear that his mental health is not your problem and not for you to resolve. Ask them what safety measures they are going to put in place to protect your daughter from this boy while on the premises and while arriving and leaving school. Make it clear that she is not the one to be singled out if they suggest she will be escorted around school - she is not a threat to anyone, he is. If any separation is to happen it is him that needs to be separated, if anyone needs watching it is him. They will try to take the path of least resistance which is pushing the problem on to you and your daughter. Keep pushing back, if your daughter has agreed to reporting this to the police, let the school know that this is now a police matter.

As for her friends, jeez, well they are not really are they. Having been a sixth form tutor for 15 years, I can tell you that this year group are always awful, often fall out and don't show loyalty to each other. It's a horrible year group, they often implode and bully and take sides. I hope she finds some nice calm friends to spend time with instead.

At the beginning when they couldn’t live without each other they were going to the nearest big Uni and move in together (🙄).
DD has since been looking further afield and wants to go to one a couple of hours away. Which I think she should do. I’ll no doubt be crapping myself with worry but above all I want her to have the best experiences and you can only do that away from home IME.

Many many years ago when I was at uni, there was a boy in my hall who was obsessed with one of the girls in the hall. His friends put constant pressure on her to go out with him, and I mean constant. There was a sense that he deserved it because of the enormity of his obsession. She caved. It lasted for about 2 weeks before she extricated herself because she couldn't bring herself to have sex with him. There was then a lot of fury and punching of walls and threats of self harm. Last I heard of him on FB, his marriage had ended due to DV. I've never forgotten it. Looking back now, just gives me chills.

"... Young people are strange beings. It’s all “If you don’t accept X Y Z about me/other without question” we can’t be friends. I’ve never once ascribed to that way of life. I have friends who are lefties, Tories, Brexiteers, remainers, all sorts. Now it seems a friendship is hinged on “The more stoic or quieter ones have to agree with everything the needy or gobshite ones say or we can’t be friends”

This ^ - although I don't think it's necessarily confined to young people any more.

I'm constantly surprised at the number of - presumably - adults who come on here asking whether they should break off an established friendship because of somebody's recently expressed political views, or because they supported/didn't support Brexit or because they do/don't support the view that transwomen are/aren't women or because they are/aren't religious

FFS, if you like someone, like them.

There were good reasons why politics and religion never used to be discussed at the dinner table

She needs to be careful about who she tells about where she's going to Uni. These misguided friends of hers could tell him and he could see it as an opportunity to get her back. She'd be very wise to lie about where she plans to go while this nightmare is going on..

It's a horrendous situation and you cannot do too much to help her. If he was beating her up, no one would suggest you shouldn't intervene to the maximum extent possible. This is extreme co-ercive abuse and just as bad.

That boy has a very serious problem and his own mother is not helping by trying to hand responsibility for his MH to a teenage girl.

The school needs chapter and verse and to work with his parents to ensure they get him the help he needs.

People saying DD should deal with it herself, have you not seen recent stories in the news of how teenage girls and young women have been murdered by their partners in very similar circumstances?!

I don't want to scare you OP, but please go to the police and escalate to the school at the same time. THEY need to deal with this and this abusive young man, not you and your daughter. It is pretty serious abuse and he shows signs of being capable of not stopping and being very manipulative.

@GiggleAtAFuneral I don't think educational settings or social services are informed from personal experience.

@GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf - "... I had a horrible boyfriend who would threaten to kill himself all the time and I started calling in a welfare check every time he did it. That stopped him pretty quickly..."

Is this a call to the police to carry out a welfare check?

Sounds like a good idea to me.

In fact I'd have thought it was the most appropriate and responsible thing a person could do after receiving a message from someone threatening suicide or self-harm