To take DD out of year 13 because of her abusive exBF and friends who’ve taken his side

[GiggleAtAFuneral]

My DD (18) split up with her first boyfriend of 1 year at the beginning of December.
It was a fine relationship at first but ended up turning very intense. DH and I helped her find the bravery to end things. Her BF was very jealous, would sulk if she went out with friends or wore certain outfits. We could actually see her changing in the way she carried herself. He then started to self harm in front of her. It really scared her. She stayed for about 3 months more than she wanted to as she was scared he’d commit suicide if she left (as he’d tell her he would). We had some very gentle conversations about how at her age relationships should be fun, not stressful, and she eventually took the brave step of dumping him.

He took the split really badly. They’re in sixth form together and it’s very awkward as a few shared friends have taken his side. It seems that MH issues/self harm trump every other situation and her friends think that a good girlfriend should be supportive rather than cut and run. He’s really milked his grief - his mum called DD from A&E on Boxing Day saying the exBF had taken on overdose. Of 8 paracetamol. He’s left her several 1 hour voice notes sobbing and begging to have her back.

DD has felt extremely guilty over all of this, which has been made worse by her friends. she pandered to her ex over Christmas - we have told her how manipulative he’s being but as anyone with a teen knows, you have to tread carefully and not ram messages down their throat to the point they feel pushed away. However by New Year she’d blocked him on everything. But he still managed to message her from others numbers, devices and to her email (which she doesn’t wanna give up as it’s linked to so much)

I’ve said we should go to the police, she won’t. I also wanted to involve the school, but she’s begged me not to as she thinks it will go away itself in time, and again I didn’t want to push her away by going against her wishes (until today).

It ramped up 2 weeks ago as he found out she started seeing someone new. He’s sent her big long messages which she won’t read (and short ones saying he’s going to commit suicide). He’s messaged her new BF with lies about her. She told her exBF to leave her alone for the first time. She’s tried speaking to his mum about it but has just got abuse back about how “he will never get over this”. Last night, he sent her a message with a picture of his self harm injuries.

DD had enough and replied saying “What do you want me to do with that, print it out and frame it?”
Not her finest hour I know. But she has had this manipulation for nearly 2 months and she just blew. I didn’t know this until I’ve just picked her up from school. She called me crying to collect her, as he’s screenshotted her message and shown all their friends. Her best friend has fallen out with her, because she also self harms and thinks DD is being really insensitive and says “If you treat self harms victims like that we can’t be friends”.

I dont like a lot of her mates and even less so since she split with exBF as some of their friends have given her a hard time because she broke up with him over text (which is what me and DH advised her to do).

I’ve asked the head of sixth form to call me, I’ve had enough now and need to protect my DD. This manipulative boy could ruin her A-Levels. She doesn’t ever want to go back to school because of him and how he’s turned their friends against her.

I really don’t think DD is the bad guy here at all. I think she has been pushed by an abusive boy to her limits, and I’m really sad to see how little her so-called friends understand coercive control. Her exBF is very popular and charming I think people think he can do no wrong.

I know this may sound like a knee jerk reaction but WIBU to send her to another sixth form half way through Upper 6th? I don’t see how she can have a steady time at school at such a crucial run up to A-Levels with so much animosity and an abusive ex lingering in all her lessons.

She goes to an amazing school I would be sad to take her out but even if he’s suspended (which I doubt he will be) she has to live with the bizarre stigma of dumping a popular boy.

She is convinced she wants to finish her learning and revision from home but I think it’s better she has a fresh start in a new school with support from teachers

@GiggleAtAFuneral - can I just say that I think you are doing an amazing job of supporting your dd. Whatever happens in the next weeks and months, I am sure that she will remember that you believed her, supported her, and went in to bat for her, and that is absolutely invaluable.

I got no help or support at all from my mum when I was bullied at school from the age of 9 or 10, u til the point where I left secondary school for sixth form, and it has had lasting effects on me. You are a wonderful mum!

“What do you want me to do print it out and frame it” may not technically have been her finest hour but it’s very funny.

I had a horrible boyfriend who would threaten to kill himself all the time and I started calling in a welfare check every time he did it. That stopped him pretty quickly. Also tell his mother to never contact you again and deal with her clearly mentally unwell son. Absolute cheek of her.

If it was me I would want to push it with the school and go really hard on it, because they’re handling it badly. This is an abusive relationship and your daughter is the victim of this abuse… it’s not just standard teen breakup drama. However I do think maybe moving her is the best option. Her mates sound like wee cows. There’s maybe a lesson in there about avoiding women who centre men and being cautious of them. Dumping someone over text is maybe in some cases a bit mean… but it’s not a capitol offence by any means and in this situation it’s the best choice. If she had some good friends I think it would be different, but she’s got no one in her corner and that just makes things more difficult. I feel really sorry for you both though seems like a really shit situation and you're suck between a rock and a hard place.

Aside from the fact that the situation could be dangerous, this gives me second hand anger as I recall at that age peer groups felt there was NOTHING worse than hurting a boy’s feelings 🤮. Over 20 years ago for me and I had hoped the world would have changed by now. Even though gender shouldn’t be important it’s a worse knife in the back when girls reinforce and encourage their pathetic behaviour. Good luck to your daughter, I hope things get better xx

His mother is taking her son's side in this, just as OP is supporting her daughter, no doubt his version of events presented to his mother is totally different. I'm not defending him if things have happened as the OP says but as my late mother used to say 'one tales good til another tale's told'. I hope the OP's daughter is able to complete her education without changing schools or leaving her current school.

@GiggleAtAFuneral - that sounds like a very good call with the school and I hope tomorrow's meeting is also productive. Also a very good idea for your DD to have the rest of the week off and work from home so she gets some relief.

You're doing a great job!

I agree with the advice upthread to pull all the evidence together. Having documentary evidence (e.g. texts/WhatsApps/photos etc) is helpful. However, remember also that your DD's words about what has happened also constitute evidence. If she can bear to do so, she could prepare a written note of things this young man has said and done to her giving the date to the extent she can remember (can be a rough date e.g. stating just the month or the general time of year if she is not sure) and a description of what happened. This can be used to create a witness statement.

I mentioned the NCDV upthread (link again here: https://www.ncdv.org.uk/). The NCDV help clients to prepare applications and evidence for non-molestation orders. It is a terrific organisation. My fabulous former employer ran a pro bono scheme in which we supported NCDV clients with doing this: the NCDV supplied us with interview questions to ask the client to enable us to help them remember and get the fullest account of what had gone on as well as other pro forma documents, and then we would draft the witness statement and application for the client to review. I would therefore suggest calling the NCDV and asking for their support on this matter. You can reassure her that she doesn't have to go ahead with any application if she doesn't want to. We had some clients for whom we prepared the evidence but the application did not go ahead because the abuse appeared to have ceased. The witness statement was still a very good record in case our client ever needed to revive the application.

And re mental health: I am really troubled by the tendency nowadays to treat every sad or uncomfortable emotion as a mental health issue. It's incredibly unhelpful and also undermining of people who suffer true mental health issues.

No, and I would absolutely be there for my child as you are doing, be they 8, 18 or 38. She's escaped an abusive relationship and is going through hell at a crucial time in her life. Goodness knows what his mother and the friends are thinking- what was she supposed to do, stay with him forever so as not to upset him? Madness.

Poor DD, this sounds awful. I'd agree that changing schools now would be very disruptive but she could potentially just continue on with a combination of some stuff at home with targeted stuff in sxhool. To be honest there's probably no more than a month worth of content left at this stage and then it's revision, past papers etc etc. It will be over before she knows it and she can move on.

@LeastOfMyWorries - exactly: it is not OP's DD's job to be his personal support human.

It's appalling that these friends seem to think her feelings count for nothing. I came of age in the mid-80s. It was generally accepted in my friendship group that relationships would happen and would (at that young age) likely end, people would suffer profound romantic disappointment, they would hurt for a while, and they would move on. We were not fed the message that we had to avoid hurting boys' feelings at all costs, nor did we subscribe to that (or that girls' feelings mustn't be hurt either). We regarded it as the natural course of things until you found the person with whom it just kept continuing to work and you accrued useful life experience (and hopefully had a fair bit of fun) in the meantime.

His mother is making things very much worse for him - she could be supporting his hurt feelings without joining in the abuse of OP's DD. No wonder he's a fuck-up if his mother thinks it is okay to emotionally blackmail a teenage girl.

I just wanted to say that you are doing a great job supporting your daughter and I hope that the school are helpful and take it seriously. You've already had some great advice from PPs and I agree that a detailed chronology of all the abuse would be a good thing to compile for the meeting tomorrow.

One upside to the COVID pandemic is that schools are pretty switched on to helping pupils study from home when necessary so if she does feel she needs a bit of time off the premises they should have a decent toolkit to help her - maybe even record some lessons for her to follow remotely.

I agree. It’s why I hate the “be kind” narrative pushed on girls. What it really means is be quiet and allow boys to do what they want and forgive them every time. It’s just the new way of pushing the “ideal femininity” narrative onto girls. And then we wonder why women and girls struggle to leave men who treat them poorly.

I don’t think it’s worse when girls join in the protect the boys nonsense though - that is how they have been socialised and they are raised in a patriarchal society. Give them time and many of them will grow up and realise how toxic it is. They are too young to see it yet.

Great job OP. Sounds like you’ve done a great job and had some good advice on this thread.
good wishes for the meeting. She doesn’t have much face to face time left in school at all so I hope they come up with a good plan to insulate her from this abusive young man and his demands so she can complete her studies and exams in peace. Don’t let his manipulation force her to be the one who bears the brunt. Good luck.

Op, during the meeting I would make it clear that you expect the school to do everything possible to ensure your dd doesn't have to wait or sit anywhere near him before, during or after the actual exams in the summer. The last things she needs is to be concerned about his proximity while she is trying to sit an exam.

Jesus OP, nothing helpful to add but just wanted to send hugs to you both really as this is absolutely awful.

Haven’t yet read the full thread just your opening post but I agree it’s protection time now and the school need to be involved - apart from DD clearly there are some serious safeguarding issues on his side … ).

This

Im not saying it’s not all genuine but if my son was self harming and threatening suicide I would have I involved school by now. Which would likely mean your DD would have been approached by them. It sounds like she hasn’t yet which is a bit 🙄

I came of age early 70's and yes, this. I met the man I married and spent all his life with comparatively early and I was thought unusual in my school then also college year because I didn't have or want to have mutiple serial unserious relationships. People of either gender who would not recognise and accept the end would have been thought "wimpy". Ok maybe that's not kind either but better I think than coercion.

Good for your DD. She sounds great, and as other PP have said, resisting that expectation to be “dutiful” in the face of such demands will have taken courage. His behaviour now shows that she 100% made the right decision. Involve the school, though - and consider harrassment. X

Absolutely. They should be able to arrange a separate room (easier to do it for her because of the ‘friends’ issue - you don’t want them around either). There are bound to be some students needing other rooms for SEND reasons - she may be able to sit in one of those rooms but if not a separate space and invigilator should be organised.

Also, for those parroting that she’s 18- lots of adult women need so much support successfully leaving an abusive relationship, and this is especially so if you’re still school aged.

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This 100%

I would bear in mind, when you go into the school, that they will have their own agenda around attendance/exclusions/working at home as they have to track these things, and can sometimes be resistant to doing anything that may make their stats look bad. However this is not your problem.

I personally would be extremely reluctant to have the two of them in the same classroom, even sat at opposite sides, because it will be an enormous distraction for them and for everyone else in the room. These are young people with big feelings and phones in their pockets, the go between friends included, and it's inevitable that at least one of them will have some sort of inappropriate outburst at some point. It's also not fair to put a teacher in that position, IMO. If she is in the classroom, he can't be. He can work elsewhere in the school, under supervision, doing the work set, if he has to be in school. (That said, there is also a risk of anxiety developing around the two of them not being allowed to be in the same room/near each other and the urge to break this rule will be enormous - I've worked in schools in the past and have seen go between friends try to engineer contact in the hope of some big drama kicking off).

I would also expect his mother to pop up and make contact with you in some way once she knows you've got the school involved.

I’m so glad school didn’t fob you off. Best of luck tomorrow.

Please consider whether to suggest to her to apply for a non-molestation order. A PP has given you the link to NCDV above, she’ll get legal aid and it would be well worth it. It very much sounds like she would be successful with obtaining one too.

Glad school are taking this seriously.

Plan what you want from the meeting tomorrow?

Assuming DD stays at school how will they keep her safe? Can they do different lessons?

Can she have a different lunch time or breaks? Is there a safe space she can sit in to avoid him and his friends?

How is he still contacting her and sending her videos and voice notes. Lock absolutely everything down. Can you monitor her emails so she doesn't open them? Block anyone that takes his side and forwards messages.

I'd potentially get legal advice and write to him and his parents saying the harassment needs to stop.

How old is he? 18 too?

I would inform the school and speak to them about attendance for lessons only for a time ?

I also have a son and would never dream of messaging his exGF because he took 8 paracetemol

and if his GF dumped him I wouldn’t enable melodramatic behaviour about it

Your poor daughter. You've had some great advice, I just came on to recommend a book, William Dalrymple's "Life at the Bottom." He was a psychiatrist for decades and worked in prisons but the way he articulates how men use suicide as a tool of manipulation and mental health as a shield for coercive control. Well let's just say you might see some similarities. Somehow, I don't think the same threats of harm are being made to his friends at school or to teachers, he just does it to your DD. That being the case, it can only be descibed as coercive control over her.

I am totally with you that she shouldn't have to move, but I guess at the end of the day you need to protect her interests first and foremost.

When you speak with the school you should also advise that she is blocking everything from him and his family and they can no longer contact her. His "mental health" is his own responsibility not hers.