To take DD out of year 13 because of her abusive exBF and friends who’ve taken his side

[GiggleAtAFuneral]

My DD (18) split up with her first boyfriend of 1 year at the beginning of December.
It was a fine relationship at first but ended up turning very intense. DH and I helped her find the bravery to end things. Her BF was very jealous, would sulk if she went out with friends or wore certain outfits. We could actually see her changing in the way she carried herself. He then started to self harm in front of her. It really scared her. She stayed for about 3 months more than she wanted to as she was scared he’d commit suicide if she left (as he’d tell her he would). We had some very gentle conversations about how at her age relationships should be fun, not stressful, and she eventually took the brave step of dumping him.

He took the split really badly. They’re in sixth form together and it’s very awkward as a few shared friends have taken his side. It seems that MH issues/self harm trump every other situation and her friends think that a good girlfriend should be supportive rather than cut and run. He’s really milked his grief - his mum called DD from A&E on Boxing Day saying the exBF had taken on overdose. Of 8 paracetamol. He’s left her several 1 hour voice notes sobbing and begging to have her back.

DD has felt extremely guilty over all of this, which has been made worse by her friends. she pandered to her ex over Christmas - we have told her how manipulative he’s being but as anyone with a teen knows, you have to tread carefully and not ram messages down their throat to the point they feel pushed away. However by New Year she’d blocked him on everything. But he still managed to message her from others numbers, devices and to her email (which she doesn’t wanna give up as it’s linked to so much)

I’ve said we should go to the police, she won’t. I also wanted to involve the school, but she’s begged me not to as she thinks it will go away itself in time, and again I didn’t want to push her away by going against her wishes (until today).

It ramped up 2 weeks ago as he found out she started seeing someone new. He’s sent her big long messages which she won’t read (and short ones saying he’s going to commit suicide). He’s messaged her new BF with lies about her. She told her exBF to leave her alone for the first time. She’s tried speaking to his mum about it but has just got abuse back about how “he will never get over this”. Last night, he sent her a message with a picture of his self harm injuries.

DD had enough and replied saying “What do you want me to do with that, print it out and frame it?”
Not her finest hour I know. But she has had this manipulation for nearly 2 months and she just blew. I didn’t know this until I’ve just picked her up from school. She called me crying to collect her, as he’s screenshotted her message and shown all their friends. Her best friend has fallen out with her, because she also self harms and thinks DD is being really insensitive and says “If you treat self harms victims like that we can’t be friends”.

I dont like a lot of her mates and even less so since she split with exBF as some of their friends have given her a hard time because she broke up with him over text (which is what me and DH advised her to do).

I’ve asked the head of sixth form to call me, I’ve had enough now and need to protect my DD. This manipulative boy could ruin her A-Levels. She doesn’t ever want to go back to school because of him and how he’s turned their friends against her.

I really don’t think DD is the bad guy here at all. I think she has been pushed by an abusive boy to her limits, and I’m really sad to see how little her so-called friends understand coercive control. Her exBF is very popular and charming I think people think he can do no wrong.

I know this may sound like a knee jerk reaction but WIBU to send her to another sixth form half way through Upper 6th? I don’t see how she can have a steady time at school at such a crucial run up to A-Levels with so much animosity and an abusive ex lingering in all her lessons.

She goes to an amazing school I would be sad to take her out but even if he’s suspended (which I doubt he will be) she has to live with the bizarre stigma of dumping a popular boy.

She is convinced she wants to finish her learning and revision from home but I think it’s better she has a fresh start in a new school with support from teachers

Good luck with the call.

No people dont think you have no responsibility for her. But forcing her to do something may not be successful

Have you spoken to this person parents?
Has your DH had a word with him?

I would be sure to tell the school today that you are involving the Police. Even if it's just for a conversation with them at this stage. Your DD needs to learn that men like this can't get away with their behaviour. Take some of the power back from this little weasel and his enablers.

First of all my sympathy for your daughter and for you and her dad. Actually, I think the "print it out and frame it" comment. while harsh, was justified in this situation. People do use a willingness to self harm, take overdoses and similar behaviour as a way of controlling others and while this indicates they have their own psychological issues, this does not give them the right to control others. Her comment was a signal that his strategies would no longer work on her, hence IMO the escalation.

I would echo that transferring to a new school so close to her exams would be really hard. The likelihood of the same curriculum being taught for the same subjects in the first place along with the revision schedule and the rest.

That said, plenty of people did online learning during covid though the success of hybrid with a teacher remembering to stay in front of a screen and mic was v limited.

In your shoes, I'd advise the police. I'd ensure that some sort of restraining order was in place for both him and his family and I'd seek to ensure that she can attend lessons and leave again in a manner that means she will be safe, escorted to a taxi and is not at risk of confrontation with him or any "friends".

What a horrible position for her to be in, I can only empathise that there is no way to fix it.

There are online schools and tutors, if funds allow there may be a route there particularly if she is doing fairly mainstream subjects. The alternative is that she leaves the school and repeats the Upper Sixth elsewhere/in the same school but unless the situation is resolved with her ex, she will be looking over her shoulder for some time. A short sharp intervention from the police will hopefully do that unless he is genuinely seriously unwell.

Her best friend has fallen out with her, because she also self harms and thinks DD is being really insensitive and says “If you treat self harms victims like that we can’t be friends”.

Re this comment. This isn't a friend.

I'd also stress that years 12/13 can be pretty bumpy for friendship groups more generally.

I don't know any kid in this age group who hasn't had at least some changes in friendship groups.

It's a result of kids maturing at a different rate and starting to look out towards the wider world and the future. It's not unlike the shit of yr6.

There's a lot of very immature 17 and 18 year olds out there. This girl is one of them - her focus is all about her and not about what's happening to your daughter and your daughters well being.

It is NORMAL for friendship fall outs at this point.

One of our closest friends has kids in first and second years at uni. Both went through the same in yr13. They couldn't wait to go to uni for the fresh start. But they HAD to see out the shit of the year to give them the best opportunity for that fresh start.

This is why it's important to stick it out now. She'll be on study leave very soon. Then she has an escape.

If she ducks out she will have another 18 months with this hanging over her before that.

Get her through this with this in mind.

Head down focus on work. Friendships and drama are second to that. It's shit and not what anyone wants but it has a finite point of end.

This. It may be that she can continue to study at home with support from college/school and attend for her exams. I’d block all contact/SM etc where the BF/associated friends/his family can see - or make contact with - her.

She's got 3 months of school left until exams start.

That isn't much at all. The end is nearly in sight.

If school are helpful, she can just get her head down and perhaps just work from home as much as possible until then.

I agree her ex should be the one made to stay home but it may be less of an issue with school if she asks to.

She needs to block him. I'd have a word with her tutor with the aim of her going into school just for lessons.

The school really need to step up and act on this in a defining manner, not just for your daughter but to set standards for all the young people they are responsible for. The idea that we are all responsible for each others mental health just brings us all down. Trained professionals deal with mental health problems, the fact that there are not enough of them does not transfer the responsibility back to individuals, particularly not to young people.

The police also need to be involved, not only for the same rasons, but to sort this snivelling little bully out, not to mention his mother!

Explain to your daughter that how she deals with this situation will define her, allowing it to control her will shadow her for the rest of her life. Going through the correct channels and confronting the people concerned, and I include her so-called friends, will empower her now and in the future. She needs to value herself above all others.

Do not back down on this, protect your daughter and push the school and police to see this matter to its rightful conclusion. Being 18 is considered adulthood, but it is inexperienced and emotionally immature adulthood, she needs your help and strength.

Police - report coercive control and harassment/stalking.
Then solicitor for Protection from Harassment Order.

If she hasn't done so already she needs to block him and his mum on everything.

I agree with others re what is needed from the school re safeguarding and further lessons on coercive control.

Just to add, this is what I hate most about the "be kind" message that is given to girls from a young age

yup this "You have to be nice to me because I self harm" I mean what the actual F?

Also a mum of teens and I recognise quite a lot of the friends behaviour unfortunately. Is it an idea that she reminds her friends what his/their behaviour is doing to her mental health? As obviously it will have an effect. The idea is not to trump his claims, but to make them aware that she's not the 'stone-cold heartless person' that has already moved on. I'm saying this as I also have a daughter who processes emotions internally and she often gets comments asking 'whether she cares at all' - where I see how much things get to her at home, at school she keeps a brave face.

Speak to school
They probbably already paid for her to sit the exams there
You dont want to be paying elsewhere
School needs to sort out arrangements

I have not RTFT yet but I get so annoyed on here about posters saying - “she’s 18, she needs to work it out” about kids who are literally probably only just 18!

“17 and 364 days….uou need to parent your child, they are incapable of making decisions, why aren’t you involved??

17 and 365 days….why are you even posting about this, butt out they are an adult!

What!!

This is coercive control. The school and the police need to be aware of this. Even if he is self harming and has other MH issues, he should absolutely not be using that as a weapon to trap her in a relationship.

If she doesn't want to for her, maybe it would help to know that the information will help other women and girls in the future.

I'm proud of her for leaving him and I can sense your deep love and protection from your message.

My son's ex gf (lovely girl, lovely relationship, it just fizzled out, no issues) left her previous school mid GCSEs due to bullying and went to a private tutor who helped her complete the GCSEs she needed to get into a different school for 6th form. She's thrived at the new school and is doing amazingly well with friendships and her studies. It was a financial struggle for her mum who is a cleaner but it made the difference to her mental health and wellbeing and it set her up well for the next more positive part of her life.

It feels immensely unfair for your daughter to feel she has to leave the school though due to this boy and to miss out on all those coming of age rituals and parties and holidays and all of that.

But back to why she and you need to talk with the school and the police - it's safeguarding. It's all safeguarding. These concerns need to be recorded and noted because it builds a picture. My friend's ex was coercively controlling her and it's really helped social services and the police to have a log of everything from her and from his other partners as there's a pattern of behaviour.

I'm so sorry that your daughter's going through this and hope that whatever studies or career she pursues after this summer will help her to make new lifelong friends and rebuild her self worth.

The school and the police need to be involved.

If she leaves school now and is homeschooled is she going to end up with poorer grades because of it? It would be absolutely awful if she couldn't achieve the grades and career she wanted because of this.

See what the school suggests when you speak to the head of sixth form later.

On a practical note, I strongly recommend sitting down and writing a full, chronological, account of exactly what has been happening over the last year, with messages as evidence, that can be provided to the school and the police should you need to provide them. Schools and the police are often rubbish at handling incidents like this, and fail to understand peer to peer abuse unless spelled out in minute detail. The account needs to include the conduct of his parents and their messages too. If she or you try to give an account without getting it all down, you will forget things or not be able to evidence them in the moment and that will then be twisted later. I work with victims of abuse and this is often my advice. Do it even if nothing is yet in the offing with school/police. He is a manipulative abuser and he will make out the issue is your daughter and use that message she sent at breaking point against her. You need a clear, evidenced written account sooner rather than later.

He needs to be removed from the school, not her, but if she doesn’t have it all straight in her head and on paper, not only will this not happen, but she won’t be happy even if it does as others will wrongly blame her.

Forgot to add - you should be so very proud of your daughter for getting out of this situation. Many grown women can’t do so. You have done a brilliant job as her mother and should be very proud of yourself too. Best of luck, OP.

I’m wondering if school could do a managed move for the boy or for your daughter, where they could complete their courses in another setting or stay registered at the school but have support for at home learning.

100% agree with the previous poster as well of writing out a timeline, when did they start dating, any warning signs, when they broke up, dates of all the messages, when she blocked him, that he continued to contact her or get others to do. It shows a clear pattern.

This is great advice thank you so much!

So I’ve spoken to the head of sixth form. I’m going in tomorrow for a full meeting with him, a safeguarding lead and the Y13 pastoral lead.

They very much want DD to stay and sit her exams and have said the disruption of changing routines now could badly effect her results. And I think I agree. She is however taking the rest of the week off to do home learning, teachers will email her the work. She needs to decompress. I’ll WFH to make sure she actually does revise and do school work!

the meeting tomorrow will address what happened and how they move forward. I’m going to print off everything he’s said that’s harrasment and abuse. They’ve said they’re going to interview people today about the screenshots and what was said.

Im working on getting her to go to the police. I’m going to tell her that Clare’s law means that no other woman has to put up with this inthe future if she reports him. But right now I’m letting her chill on FIFA, she was very heightened this morning and I need her to be brought down before I have that conversation

I do find that her friendships are so much less fun than they used to be. At 18 me and my mates just spent the whole of our time together laughing and having fun. Young people are strange beings. It’s all “If you don’t accept X Y Z about me/other without question” we can’t be friends. I’ve never once ascribed to that way of life. I have friends who are lefties, Tories, Brexiteers, remainers, all sorts. Now it seems a friendship is hinged on “The more stoic or quieter ones have to agree with everything the needy or gobshite ones say or we can’t be friends”

how dreadful. I really feel for you and your daughter.

Homeschooling sounds like a good idea if you can afford it. she can probably learn very efficiently with some 1x1 tutoring if you can find someone. however i would make it clear that she really has to study HARD for this to be viable. She cannot let this boy rob her of her future.

I hope she agrees to go to the police. good luck.