To take DD out of year 13 because of her abusive exBF and friends who’ve taken his side

[GiggleAtAFuneral]

My DD (18) split up with her first boyfriend of 1 year at the beginning of December.
It was a fine relationship at first but ended up turning very intense. DH and I helped her find the bravery to end things. Her BF was very jealous, would sulk if she went out with friends or wore certain outfits. We could actually see her changing in the way she carried herself. He then started to self harm in front of her. It really scared her. She stayed for about 3 months more than she wanted to as she was scared he’d commit suicide if she left (as he’d tell her he would). We had some very gentle conversations about how at her age relationships should be fun, not stressful, and she eventually took the brave step of dumping him.

He took the split really badly. They’re in sixth form together and it’s very awkward as a few shared friends have taken his side. It seems that MH issues/self harm trump every other situation and her friends think that a good girlfriend should be supportive rather than cut and run. He’s really milked his grief - his mum called DD from A&E on Boxing Day saying the exBF had taken on overdose. Of 8 paracetamol. He’s left her several 1 hour voice notes sobbing and begging to have her back.

DD has felt extremely guilty over all of this, which has been made worse by her friends. she pandered to her ex over Christmas - we have told her how manipulative he’s being but as anyone with a teen knows, you have to tread carefully and not ram messages down their throat to the point they feel pushed away. However by New Year she’d blocked him on everything. But he still managed to message her from others numbers, devices and to her email (which she doesn’t wanna give up as it’s linked to so much)

I’ve said we should go to the police, she won’t. I also wanted to involve the school, but she’s begged me not to as she thinks it will go away itself in time, and again I didn’t want to push her away by going against her wishes (until today).

It ramped up 2 weeks ago as he found out she started seeing someone new. He’s sent her big long messages which she won’t read (and short ones saying he’s going to commit suicide). He’s messaged her new BF with lies about her. She told her exBF to leave her alone for the first time. She’s tried speaking to his mum about it but has just got abuse back about how “he will never get over this”. Last night, he sent her a message with a picture of his self harm injuries.

DD had enough and replied saying “What do you want me to do with that, print it out and frame it?”
Not her finest hour I know. But she has had this manipulation for nearly 2 months and she just blew. I didn’t know this until I’ve just picked her up from school. She called me crying to collect her, as he’s screenshotted her message and shown all their friends. Her best friend has fallen out with her, because she also self harms and thinks DD is being really insensitive and says “If you treat self harms victims like that we can’t be friends”.

I dont like a lot of her mates and even less so since she split with exBF as some of their friends have given her a hard time because she broke up with him over text (which is what me and DH advised her to do).

I’ve asked the head of sixth form to call me, I’ve had enough now and need to protect my DD. This manipulative boy could ruin her A-Levels. She doesn’t ever want to go back to school because of him and how he’s turned their friends against her.

I really don’t think DD is the bad guy here at all. I think she has been pushed by an abusive boy to her limits, and I’m really sad to see how little her so-called friends understand coercive control. Her exBF is very popular and charming I think people think he can do no wrong.

I know this may sound like a knee jerk reaction but WIBU to send her to another sixth form half way through Upper 6th? I don’t see how she can have a steady time at school at such a crucial run up to A-Levels with so much animosity and an abusive ex lingering in all her lessons.

She goes to an amazing school I would be sad to take her out but even if he’s suspended (which I doubt he will be) she has to live with the bizarre stigma of dumping a popular boy.

She is convinced she wants to finish her learning and revision from home but I think it’s better she has a fresh start in a new school with support from teachers

I’m convinced that there is a Men in Black style situation whereby aliens inhabit the bodies of humans, and those aliens must post on MN. Because it baffles me too - imagine actively wanting to live in an echo chamber. How dull.

the last text I sent is to an old colleague I’m still close to, in response to a DM article he sent me - I just used the word “You Tory twat”.
our friendship will thankfully survive

You’d think NHS systems were linked to social services systems! Madness if they aren’t!

I do find that her friendships are so much less fun than they used to be. At 18 me and my mates just spent the whole of our time together laughing and having fun. Young people are strange beings. It’s all “If you don’t accept X Y Z about me/other without question” we can’t be friends. I’ve never once ascribed to that way of life. I have friends who are lefties, Tories, Brexiteers, remainers, all sorts. Now it seems a friendship is hinged on “The more stoic or quieter ones have to agree with everything the needy or gobshite ones say or we can’t be friends”

There's social currency in victimhood amongst some of the young, unfortunately. There have been a number of SM fueled social contagions relating to imaginary disabilities. Being perceived to be "normal" within certain peer groups is viewed as a privileged position, where being guilted into allyship and enablement is commonplace. I grew up "different" - due to ethnicity and disability, as was by best friend, due to a disability - and we spent our entire childhoods just wanting to get on with life, learn, play sports/instruments, have fun experiences and be viewed as anything other than different/victims. I find the current trend of seeking out difference/a reason to be a victim, making it the most interesting thing about you, and weaponising it against others distasteful in the extreme. Your daughter is better off without these horrible friends @GiggleAtAFuneral , and I hope you find a solution that allows her to complete her A'levels in peace.

This is wise advice.

It's good that you've now involved school. Please report to police as well. My ds is slightly older but ended up with a girl doing a similar thing. She now has a caution for harassment. It's important that these things are logged even if it doesn't appear to bear any results because should he try to alledge anything in the future then it's all documented. If she continues to be contacted by him then you can ask the police to consider it common assault (this doesn't have to be actual violence but is the fear of violence being commited)

Um, it certainly was her finest hour in responding as she did to the manipulative texts about 'self harm'! I did a little, involuntary, nod of approval when I read it.

Women having to be nice at all costs is bullshit & to have been able to recognise that at 18 gives me hope for this generation of young ladies!

Bizarrely saw this exact scenario play out over the weekend but the girl is only 14, a friend of my nephew. Thankfully she was literally surrounded by the young men in my family ranging 14 to 20 who all called out her boyf immediately when she explained what was happening.

Good luck, with this, it's bloody awful. I just wanted to say to have a little feminist pride in her ability to see this for what it is. I, random mum on MN, am very proud of her indeed.

Anyone who shares photos of their self harm for emotional blackmailing and guilt tripping is frankly a fucking arsehole. This act tells us all we need to know about how coercive and nasty he is. Probably has been mollycoddled by his parents and never been told no.

I would report this to the police and advise your dd to block him and never ever speak to him again. Her so called friends are rubbish too.

He is manipulative. No means no, if he can't deal with it, he is not mature or healthy enough to have a relationship or date. He needs therapy. His mum is bang out of order to send that message on Christmas, I'd have very serious word with her.

Nasty family.

There's social currency in victimhood amongst some of the young, unfortunately.

Not only among the young, I’m afraid. I’ve seen this exact behaviour in people over 50 as well. It’s a coercive personality trait and with today’s “be kind” dogma, it’s often easier to get away with.

And to be clear, I’m all for kindness, so long as it’s freely given, not demanded, coerced or guilt-tripped. Kindness stops being kindness the moment someone is punished for saying no, especially when that punishment takes the form of bad-mouthing or slander.

You’re spot on.
So many also behave like they’re the first generation to have MH issues

I’ve actually had a teenage child stand in my kitchen eating the dominos pizza I bought them and teensplaining to my DH about generational trauma which they apparently have because their parents didn’t get on with their grandparents.

DH’s grandma is a Holocaust survivor. Which this friend knew. But yeah he needed an overssensitive 15 year old to explain what generational trauma is.

Anyhoo DH will be back from work in an hour so we are gonna debrief, plan what we will say tomorrow and importantly what we will ask for. I have emailed the pastoral lead (who DD adores) to ask for her help in explaining why DD must go to the police. DD has forwarded me everything ex has sent her and screenshotted stuff which I’ve printed out and put into a binder (yes I’m old school!).

Also chatted to my boss today who says should she be at home lots more I can do more WFH. She doesn’t need supervising but I’d want to make sure she revises! At this stage in the year school make y13 stay in school even during free periods so they can revise but I will ask tomorrow if she ca come home for them and assure them I’ll be there to make sure she’s doing it

Report him to the police for harassment and coercive control. Get the school to support her. She has done nothing wrong. I’m actually proud of her for that last message.

Sounds like you are doing a great job.

Only advice I have is to ask the school how, in the absolute worst possible case scenario, she could come back in a year to repeat year 13. All her year will be off somewhere else and should leave her a better chance, obviously only assuming the plans you're making at the moment don't come off.

They won't particularly like it but haven't done much to help this far so floating it now to get their support when it's a hypothetical could help.

Just wanted to say you've handled everything really well. I hope your meeting with the school goes really well and that she can sit her exams as planned - she's done nothing wrong so shouldn't be the one to suffer! Best of luck for tomorrow 🤞

It sounds like the priority tomorrow is to get the best set-up possible for your DD to finish her A-Levels, and that’s very sensible.

I would definitely be pressing the safeguarding issue with the school though. She has been abused, harassed, and now bullied at school, and out of school by other students. They need to recognise how serious it is that misogyny seems to be widespread in their sixth-formers.

How absolutely horrendous that your DD has had to go through this. What an awful introduction the world of adult (supposedly) romantic relationships.

If she feels in any way sorry for this young man i don't think she should feel at all bad about reporting this to the school. He is well on his way to being quite a dangerous man, and is at serious risk of doing himself and/or someone else real harm. How depressing that girls are taking his side, it's very much misplaced sympathy, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

He needs a proper intervention for this behaviour, the sooner the better. And young women, especially your DD, need protection from him frankly. I hope the school will know how to handle this effectively.

My daughter experienced something not dissimilar (although it sounds like there was less coercion for my child, awful situation x) we did go into school, I insisted on her only going in at the start of.lessons and being able to leave school for any 'study' time on her timetable l. Not so much because of the ex but because of the continual pressure from her former friends to relent.

The school were actually pretty supportive, I was initially concerned that this would impact her education - but she was motivated to get through her xourse, go to her choice of uni etc.
Her specific teachers were quite supportive (certainly more than her peer group). I realise she doesn't want that, but I'd bring it back up as a conversation.

I’d want to be homeschooled too if I were her. I was also a student that studied best at home and having to deal with new social settings midway through my final year would have been way too much for me.

As an aside I self harmed as a teen due to csa and I hid it from EVERYONE. My family, friends, school etc. I agree with you 100% these so called friends are being extremely manipulative and it sounds so toxic that they are discussing self harm, suicide etc all together. Fuck the manipulation of him and his batshit mother.

I’d let her homeschool to get away from these weird bullies and she can have a fresh start at University

your daughter sounds amazing @GiggleAtAFuneral
I just wanted to add something about the school side.
My friend's son had a similar issue doing GCSEs. He was able to continue in his school (given he was finishing in April anyway for revision) and was sent a lot to do online and joined lessons online to listen when he didn't feel able to go in. He also did a lot of online courses on his specific syllabus and really enjoyed them. Your DD will have probably finished quite a lot of the work - but the revision aspect of the next 3 months in lessons will unfortunately be invaluable. Also I think it could be really difficult to find another sixth form with exactly the same syllabus or course across all 3 A Levels.
Hopefully you can make it work online with the school, with very specific attendance but working mainly from home.

Your DD will need to continue her bravery - but soon she will be away and at uni and will make new friends.

Her ex is TOTALLY in the wrong and has behaved appallingly and pathetically. So sorry this is happening this year - but you sound like such a strong family. Sending lots of love xx

Mine is nearly 40 (I had him young) and I can absolutely tell you the worry never stops so don't pay too much attention to the she's 18 comments.

As for this situation I don't think I can add anything that you and others havn't already said. I hope you find a way forward and if his mother contacts you or your daughter again I would be telling her she needs to be focusing on her son as he needs help which she clearly isnt giving.

I don't know where in the country you are, but just thought I'd mention that our local police force were excellent with my daughter when she was in a similar situation. Thought it might be useful for you to know. You'd be better going in the day, though, unlikely to be the right people around in the evening.

You are right of course. I was in a coercive control relationship for 20 years. Both my GP and Women's Aid told me to report him to the police. After I left him, I reported him , a specialist female domestic abuse victim came to my new home to take details.

She didn't believe me. She told me that what happened to me wasn't abuse. She said a partner shouting out of the blue and having tantrums can be just normal communication! I told her that it was the opposite of what Women's Ajd and my GP had been telling me. She then rambled on about how she had a duty to safeguard him.

She then left saying she would file a report, a senior office would decide on the next step (which would probably be no action) and they would call me to explain their decision. They didn't call.

Honestly, having this police 'expert' officer completely dismiss everything and especially all the talk of safeguarding my abuser, probably put my recovery back by at least 6 months.

So I'd advise the OP to proceed with caution on this one. She needs local knowledge about whether the police are sympathetic.

This!

Wishing you well for tomorrow.

@Manxexile my dad called them on the non urgent line and read them the unhinged texts and because he was a danger to himself and others they came pretty quickly

What a dreadful situation. Wishing you all well OP. Glad you’ve ignored the ridiculous “she’s an adult” brigade, she needs your support and it’s great that you are there for her, this is a complex matter