To disagree that my child is a picky eater- it's a PIL one

[Mnunhie]

My 3 year old (nearly 4) likes mainly 'saucy' meals as he would put it. He likes spag bol, curry, chilli. However he hates gravy. He therefore will not eat shepherds pie, hotpot, and he finds a Sunday roast too dry.
This caused my in-laws great consternation over the Christmas period but it was mainly huffing and puffing and TBF the kids were plied with a lot of chocolate so he didn't eat much dinner anyway.
We have just been to their house again this weekend and it came to Sunday lunch time. DS didn't want the chicken roast dinner he was served, just eating the carrots. I fished out some houmous we had for lunches and then he happily ate his chicken and potatoes with this. However this has pushed PIL over the edge who have declared something must be done about his picky eating.
I feel annoyed by this. I grew up with a sibling who ate nothing but chicken nuggets and biscuits in childhood so perhaps my view of what constitutes picky eating is therefore skewed.
DH said he's only little and he will come to it in his own time. I just feel even if he doesn't, it's just a totally understandable preference!

YABU- Get some Yorkshire pudding down him, he is a picky eater
YANBU- sounds like a normal 4 year old

Fuck them. Stop going for Sunday lunch if they are going to behave like this. Your child sounds the opposite of picky! My picky eater still doesn't like much sauce at age 17 unless it's pesto or ketchup!!

Even if condiments are provided?

Most don’t just pour gravy on people’s roasts because it is a known thing that many people don’t and are particular about gravy.

Unless I read wrong, the food was served with no sauce on so if people should eat how it is presented, then they shouldn’t be eating it with sauce at all.

My DM ( born 1949) had a few expressions around this;
" just eat what you and leave the rest"
" You don't have to eat up but you do have to shut up" aka no moaning about the food people have kindly prepared for you.
" You must try everything on your plate then it's fine to leave the bits you don't like".

Ignore them. Gravy isn’t particularly healthy is it anyway.

I bet PIL don’t eat a variety of meals

People in England eat it as a dip, but it's a sauce in other countries.

@CWigtownshire
@Birdh0use
I don't know many grandparents who'd consider their 3 year old grandchild rude for wanting their food tweaking. When it's close family, it's the host that becomes rude when they don't want their guests to enjoy their time in their house. The problem is solved, they aren't eating there anymore. I often think when people don't have family who want to visit, they need to look at their own controlling ways.
I'm a non gravy eater though, happy with fruit sauces etc, but I didn't grow up with British food and a 'traditional' roast dinner wouldn't be my choice. My eldest DD is 40, thinking about her and all my children's friends, you don't need to set varied eating habits, or no-one English, over 55 would be eating Indian/Sri Lankan/Nigerian/Sushi etc.

She'll only eat ultra processed "packet pasta" because you buy it and have it in the house. As a 3 year old she wouldn't know about food like that unless you buy it!

I’ve tried. Turned out shit and tasted weird every time :( no idea what I’m doing wrong !

OP - on your latest post I would be commenting on how “picky” your parents in law are every time they mention it in your DS.

”Well he doesn’t like gravy but some adults are even worse - imagine not eating mushrooms/curry/egg fried rice/insert food here that they’d refuse”

This is so familiar.
Constantly criticising what children are eating/not eating ( and we are talking about four things on the plate of which they ate three and left one after tasting) makes communal meals boring and wearing and doesn't make us want to attend.
It wasn't about the food, it was about imposing their will on all of us and having an enjoyable session of fault finding and picking on people, to show that they were better parents because they believed in "discipline" and "manners." Such lighthearted and fun, jolly occasions for a child to visit.
They would ply one child with food and when the other accepted pudding they'd proffered again and again would wait until the child started eating before smugly announcing "A minute on the lips, a life time on the hips." They said that to me as well actually.
I tried to deal with it politely and now (older and wiser) I wish I'd tackled it head on. Although SIL had a major go at them about it to little effect. We all put up with it and we shouldn't have.

but it IS normal to have food likes and dislikes. Its not new either. I know people older than I am who chose very limited diets in childhood. None of them were forced to eat what they didn't like. This massively predates the current childhood obesity issue. People who say "oh it never happened when I was a child" are simply wrong. What they are talking about is their lived truth ie they never saw it or experienced it, which is fair enough but not the same as the objective truth. Do you think in your culture, if its widely considered rude, parents will be motivated to hide what they do? Your "narrative about fixed dislike", I do have an issue with. I really dislike cabbage and cabbage like vegetables....can't even stand the smell. Same with coconut. If either is a part of the dish then I won't eat it. If the host thinks that's rude, then tough. I think you are conflating isses here. maybe reading around the subject would help. As you will probably be told (fairly firmly) on here, children who are extremely selective eaters are unlikely to be part of the obesity crisis, the struggle is to get them to eat, not to stop them over eating.
Finally I would put money on from family to family there being a massive variety in the way your culture cooks dishes. the name might be the same, but if you compared the dishes you would find differences in flavour texture, consistency, the side dishes its served with and so on. Ask why the variation and I would also bet money that the answer would be "oh that's how my husband/wife/children/family like it"

Agree, but I bet they would use the excuse that they’re adults because as you can tell by this thread, children aren’t allowed to have likes/dislikes and must be made to eat what they’re given even if it is unhealthy.

He doesn't sound too bad to me. One of mine didn't like gravy but came to like it when he was older. If you have sunday roast with them again, can you take a sauce they might find more acceptable? Cranberry / apple / mint/ hollandaise? Might shut them up.

Hummus is not a condiment. It's very filling in and of itself.

Because I'd like to show we all made an effort to eat gratefully if someone is hosting me and feeding me, it's just polite.

But if he picked at it with ketchup, he's not really eating. He ate a decent amount of it happily with hummus, so by your own logic they've made an effort to get him to eat it.

ketchup is pretty standard with a roast. In the realm of salt and pepper.

I'm just saying, it would have been polite to encourage DS to eat the food he'd been given, which someone presumably took a lot of effort over, rather than jumping to add something else/alter it.

Just feed the kid at home later if needed.

My DD is 4. She eats pretty well but if she doesn't like something, you can encourage all you want but she will not eat it. All that will happen is she'll bury her face into the table/your lap/her arms and go silent.

Why would I prioritise politeness (particularly within family who should have my child's best interests at heart) over her comfort and needs? Especially where it's something it's KNOWN by the family preparing it that she actively doesn't like?

My MIL went through a phase of always putting something with mashed potatoes in front of her and she can't stand them. Then MIL would complain she hadn't eaten her dinner. I asked her whether she'd eat porridge if it was put in front of her and she said no because she doesn't like it and we all know that. Pointed out that we all know DD doesn't like potatoes so she doesn't want potatoes.

If you had guests coming over would you deliberately cook something they don't like? Or would you prefer they ate something they'd enjoy?

Politeness doesn't trump children's needs.

ETA: Ketchup is NOT considered standard with a roast. This thread has shown that.

If you ever invite them over for dinner I’d be tempted to make a dish that your family loves but that your PIL will balk at OP - then you can see who the “picky” eater is. Some adults seem to forget that everyone has preferences, and children have just as much right to not like something as adults do.

Most decent hosts ask about what their guests like and don’t like. Also, when it comes to family, most know their family members likes and dislikes xyz, and wouldn’t give them food they know they don’t like or expect them to eat it (obviously what parents decide for their children is up to them).

Pretty controlling and hypocritical to expect someone to eat something you know they don’t like because of your own personal views on what someone should eat with when it is pretty rude to offer and expect someone to eat food they don’t like.

Hummus is a condiment, it being filling to you doesn’t stop it from being one.

Chicken, salad and houmous wraps perhaps 😂

Yeah but what if it comes without gravy? Your logic means you shouldn’t add it.

my mum used to say eat what you like and leave the rest and its fine but surely that is impossible if the whole meal is covered with something you don't like eg gravy, or if the meal is any kind of stew, risotto or other mixed food where flavours are deliberately combined?

It's nothing to do with PIL. Ignore them. And if they start just say that you are lead because he is eating the dinner and a following honours really diesnt constitute a world shattering event! Have confidence in your decisions about your child

Shut the fuck up! You have no idea what has gone on with my daughter so keep your “superior” opinion to yourself.

My DD as a ‘picky’ 3-year old (according to ExH) used to love a cheese sauce with everything!

My MiL and I didn’t given a toss about the aforementioned made-up by ExH ‘pickiness’ and gave her a cheese sauce or microwaved mac cheese on the side with Sunday dinners and she liked it and was a happy and well-behaved part of the family meal.

I’m still fond of my former MiL, and so are my DC. Their dad, however, Mr Judgy Chops with the cat’s bum mouth, not so much.

You’ll probably get deleted for that, so if I might paraphrase for the sake of the thread (as I agree with your sentiment actually):

‘I disagree with what you said! You have no idea what has gone on with my daughter so I think it best if you please keep your “superior” opinion to yourself as these situations are complicated, as many parents will attest.’

Ha ha thanks! It’s not letting me edit it for some reason. I was just so angry. I started to list all the things she used to eat and what happened but realised I don’t need to explain myself.