First date ick - am I being a princess?

[Brummytobites]

I’ve gotten the ick today and I’m a bit gutted. Speaking to someone new, it’s all been very fast paced as in talking 24/7, emotionally sharing, he’s invited me on a date for the first day we chatted, I’ve held off for what is now just over 4 weeks.

We’re supposed to be going out in our city centre this weekend. Booked the table at a great and very fancy restaurant that we both like a couple of weeks back, kept having to amend the date as he was suggesting seeing me sooner but I’ve held firm on leaving it a few weeks, only to now find he’s messed up the booking and there’s no space available for the day we’d planned. He’s now frantically suggesting various other places but they are much more casual. I’m annoyed. I’d ordered a new - very dressy - outfit. Booked in my nails etc. made a real effort.

I feel bitchy for saying I don’t want to go to any of these places but equally why should I lower my standards? I was looking forward to a weekend dinner and drinks at a lively place. The date place is somewhere I can and do go alone with friends and family so it’s not like I’m relying on a meal ticket, it’s definitely a “destination bar/restaurant” He’s a little bit insecure and seems to be seeking my assurance that he’s not annoyed me frequently - which up to now he hasn’t - so I think he can tell I’m a little ticked off and I’m feeling very awkward about even raising the issue.

I realise this sounds silly but it’s really annoyed me. This guy has basically been saying he’s ready do give me the world for the past month and banged on about liking the same places and his general generosity. What would you do? AIBU to expect someone to be more organised and meet my expectations?

😜🤣🤣🤣

You're chasing all the wrong things.

You think that a man who takes you out to nice places and can be relied upon to spoil you like a princess will be a good man who treats you well. However, that doesn't last. No man will keep that up long term and love bombing is often a precursor to abuse.

Have a think about what you actually want out of a relationship beyond fancy restaurants.

Agreed.

I particularly noticed the comments about inflexible criteria:
Be careful not to get in your own way, with a set of overly rigid criteria for what your ideal relationship and partner look like. That’s not lowering your standards - just making sure the ones you’ve held for yourself, thus far, aren’t actually something keeping you from something and someone better (though possibly different) than the image you’ve built, in your head.

And
I see a lot of women (myself, at times, included) mistaking standards for persisting with a tick box list of qualities in a partner and relationship they hold as necessities that haven’t been working for them, for the last decade or so, and likely won’t all of a sudden start to, now.

Very wise advice I think, and really well articulated.

You are being a Princess, but this bloke sounds like a massive waste of space - baby voice, expecting a snog, over-promising, weird 1950s macho thing going on ... You've known him a month, never actually met in person and he's pissed you off already so cut your losses and move on!

Honestly op this site is great for ' set your bar high ' of course yes we should, but bloody hell yours is so bloody high no man or relationship would survive more than a couple of dates, Jesus op expensive restaurants , ok maybe occasionally ' birthdays, special occasions, was i born at the wrong time?? Bloody hell,

Miller & carter, lunch date, thats up market type of place or prices are anyway,

By all means set your bar high but never so high that you're always going to be disappointed op, or the guy just can not meet your high standards and there for will only ever get to do the first date,

You sound like a right diva to be honest

Oh for goodness sake just suggest you give him some dates you can do and let him check availability on those dates for the restaurant you both like!!

And what the hell is the problem with meeting someone for a coffee for a first meet up?

If I was really attracted to someone, they'd be making me laugh, and fun, before I even went on a date, so I'd be happy to meet them in McDonalds. I have led a normal to privileged life and I think you are behaving like a Princess, and should my son be that man, I'd be hoping he gave you a wide birth. Saying that a constant 'pleaser' would never be my type, and 'promising you the world' before even meeting, would be a red flag for me, personally.

A wide berth! A wide birth sounds extremely painful!

You are being ridiculous. I chose the venue when I met my now husband.on a dating site, He traveled a great distance to meet me. He mentioned that he like water and so I chose a pub that had a moat around it. To my horror when I arrived the pub had hoarding around it and they were re thatching the roof! Thankfully the place was still open. We had a lovely meal and afterwards went to a park and walked around a lake. We got on like a house on fire! We have been together for 19 years this year. We lived together for about ten years and finally got married four years ago. He told me that fact I didn't know about the hoarding told him I was not a regular drinker or I would have known about it.

I’d say see if there is a connection first. Make it casual, maybe just a drink. If you want to see him again and like him, rebook the fancy restaurant. You’re putting too much focus on being wowed on the first date, and you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment. Get to know him first and work out if he’s worth a whole date with dinner. Little steps, not giant leaps.

Yes that's my first thought as well. He's testing you to see how much you'll let him let you down.

You know when women say they don't know how abusers pick them out? It's little tests like this right at the start. He wants to see how quickly you'll trade your own wants and self esteem to be "nice" and sympathetic and understanding to a man. That's what they exploit over time to make you feel selfish any time you hold him to account for letting you down.

In answer to your question, you’re definitely being a princess. Sounds like he’s had a lucky escape.

I don’t think I could get this worked up about some random tightwad. Bin

Bloke here. I reckon this analysis and advice is bang-on.

If he was being truthful, and has money, this would not have happened. Rich guys - especially those who have made it themselves - are organised people.

They do not mess up restaurant dinner bookings. Or they have someone else do it for them, or use the Amex Centurion service to sort it, even at ‘fully booked’ places.

My suspicion is that he’s a bullshitter.

I’m a workaholic and have done well in life. In my younger days I was a flash bastard. I’d take women on dates in my helicopter, or surprise them by collecting them from somewhere in my Aston Martin or Lamborghini. Now I’m much older and settled down with a non-flash woman I actually love, it all feels a bit cringey, but man did it work! 😃. Many women loved that stuff: It’s evolutionary.

But it was important to make everything a surprise. All this gobbing-off about high end life in advance is naff, a bit low-class, and suspicious.

The reason I’m telling this story is not only that I could never tell these tales IRL, but to give a bit of insight into flash blokes’ thought processes. None of my flash dates went anywhere: they were never meant to. It was all a bit of fun and the thrill of the chase. The intelligent women on here will already know not to take such men seriously. There’s nothing wrong with having fun, but it’s unlikely to lead to a genuine relationship.

And is the OP real either? If buying one dress is such a big deal (which could be used somewhere else next week anyway) that may be revealing.

If there’s anyone military on here, you’ll understand this may be the same as the highly-entertaining spectacle of two Walts meeting each other. 😂

you are heading for a fall. if this restaurant is so fantastic how do you know that he will be?

I think you and I probably have very different attitudes to dating and the type of men we'd be interested in and I think you are being more princessy than I have ever been BUT this guy sounds incompetent and I can imagine him turning sex-pesty as well and that would be a turn off for me.

He spoke lots of big stories but can't follow through. Nah! He's not what he told you he is so it's no wonder you're not feeling it.

The ick for me would be the 24/7 love bombing that’s a red flag for me. Also he’s saying he has the same thoughts on first dates as you but now it’s arriving he’s changing the plans to something more casual, another red flag for me. Not because casual is bad - that’s just a matter of choice and if he’d said that upfront then no probs - but because actions aren’t matching words. But then I have experience of a toxic relationship with a narcissist and see red flags everywhere now. It’s possible he’s genuine and just messed up but if I went ahead I’d be wary. Am I overreacting- maybe but I used to give the benefit of the doubt and make excuses over and over and got burned. Why not make the reservation yourself at somewhere you like and see how he reacts to that. At the end if the day though it doesn’t matter what any of us think. If you got the ick then you got the ick and whether others think it’s reasonable or not doesn’t change how you feel about it. Stay true to yourself, set your boundaries and stick to them and find someone that matches your energy.

WOW Get over yourself please! This man sounds like he writes cheques but can't cash them & you've fallen for it. If you've never met him how do you know that what he's saying is true & he is who he says he is? I'd rather meet someone face to face from the off than delay meeting them so I can suss them from the get go. You seem to expect a lot from a stranger on a first date. TBH If a man went on like you about a first date it'd def give me the Ick.

Reality is, you're high maintenance. Don't worry, kettle usually finds it's pot, so you will no doubt eventually meet someone who's of the similar predisposition.

I"m just counting the pages to 40 now, if this was a romance novel that wouldn"t be a good thing would it?)

Have you never watched You've Got Mail?

Goodness, it sounds like he's a willing serf to your princess already!

100% this!

Good point, and that is from 1995? early days of "The Net" (another good "internet film" from that era that is still good but looks hopelessly dated) the problem now is the over-reliance on social media, communicating at a distance doesn"t build the skill-set of emotional intelligence that susses people out quickly that previous generations had, caring what someone said or didn"t say on social media is starting to feel quite out of touch now TBH, I think there is a whole generation who just don"t realise that the way they live is becoming historical, part of the past, the butt of jokes, similar to how every decade or evolution in society eventually becomes past it"s sell by date.