First date ick - am I being a princess?

[Brummytobites]

I’ve gotten the ick today and I’m a bit gutted. Speaking to someone new, it’s all been very fast paced as in talking 24/7, emotionally sharing, he’s invited me on a date for the first day we chatted, I’ve held off for what is now just over 4 weeks.

We’re supposed to be going out in our city centre this weekend. Booked the table at a great and very fancy restaurant that we both like a couple of weeks back, kept having to amend the date as he was suggesting seeing me sooner but I’ve held firm on leaving it a few weeks, only to now find he’s messed up the booking and there’s no space available for the day we’d planned. He’s now frantically suggesting various other places but they are much more casual. I’m annoyed. I’d ordered a new - very dressy - outfit. Booked in my nails etc. made a real effort.

I feel bitchy for saying I don’t want to go to any of these places but equally why should I lower my standards? I was looking forward to a weekend dinner and drinks at a lively place. The date place is somewhere I can and do go alone with friends and family so it’s not like I’m relying on a meal ticket, it’s definitely a “destination bar/restaurant” He’s a little bit insecure and seems to be seeking my assurance that he’s not annoyed me frequently - which up to now he hasn’t - so I think he can tell I’m a little ticked off and I’m feeling very awkward about even raising the issue.

I realise this sounds silly but it’s really annoyed me. This guy has basically been saying he’s ready do give me the world for the past month and banged on about liking the same places and his general generosity. What would you do? AIBU to expect someone to be more organised and meet my expectations?

And tbf why should she? She would either have to miss out on all the more expensive places she likes to go - or subsidise him like she did with previous partners .

@TwentyTwentyTwenty We are allowed to have our preferences and requirements for building a serious relationship and it’s perfectly ok for a woman - or man - to not want to date a person on minimum wage. Especially if it’s someone you might want to buy a house with or have kids with in the future. That’s not to say there’s shame in NMW but not everyone is suitable or desirable to everyone else in terms of a relationship and that’s fine.

Unless a man is utterly desperate he has options too and is often ruling women out based on looks/weight/body shape or even hair and skin colour. Some women only go for tall men or men with beards or men who don’t have kids etc

It’s all allowed, dating is not equal opportunities recruitment. The point is about going for what you want.

Oh no, sounds like a disaster. If you’re more excited about your dress and nails, he’s the wrong man.

Guy sounds like a red flag to me. He kept pushing to meet you sooner, you didn’t want to, now he’s purposely not booked the restaurant to see what you’ll do. The constant messaging and FaceTiming would do me in. Give him the boot.

Haha, you're right... I had missed these posts from the OP when I commented above. I agree, some of the outfit/restaurant money should be used on education, otherwise I doubt she'll last in the upper world she so badly wants to belong to😆They'll easily see through her😝

Or maybe she wants to date a man with the same lifestyle as her?

It's not a bad thing to know what you want from a relationship and rule out people who can't give you that. Doesn't matter what it is she wants, she's looking for that and not for less than it.

I didn't want a man who wouldn't respect my career and I ended things with several who saw my work as being less important than theirs. Would people say the same about that as they are about OP wanting a specific lifestyle?

Do you know for a fact that there isn't a table available on the date you had originally organised?

Cancel the date and let the poor guy dodge a bullet! Let him go on a date with someone who wants to meet him not the venue!

Is that part of the due diligence we all need to do these days @Nordiclaura007 ....

If a chap says he can't book a table at the preferred swanky restaurant, we have to ring up to see if he was lying?

I'm doubly glad for my DH now 😄and our lunch dates at the local Thai, where you'd really struggle to spend £100 in a sitting.

I just don't get all this "I must have fancy stuff because it shows my worth!" thing.

Both of us are good earners. We didn't need to do an elaborate courtship drama where we performed a ritual to show our affiliation to expensive products and food, to make sure we're financially compatible.

You sound like a young Hyacinth Bucket. Quite ridiculous. The people who reside in the "echelons" you aspire to will be laughing behind their hands.

Same for us.

Doesn't mean it's a bad thing if that's what OP feels she wants from a date/relationship though. It's just her preference in the same way ours was to have a chippy tea by the coast for our ten year anniversary. Which, by the way, my best friend was appalled by because apparently there should be mood lighting and wine for these occasions?

Everyone has a different idea of what "special" is to them. And that's fine.

That says more about them than it does about her “laughing behind their hands”.
Ive read all of the OP’s posts and have come to the conclusion that this is either a relationship scam or the man has a fetish for being a baby and is hoping the op will comply.

I agree with you @Ukefluke - but the mad thing is, in British life so many people are this insecure that they don't even know or care about these "echelons".

They just want to look or be "Instagram rich".

That means brunches at the Ivy 😴where you can show cocktail pictures. It means driving one of the big three 'premium' German car brands and taking video reels of the car keys, to explain to your audience that "In your thirties you'll be given a job opportunity. It's very important you say yes" 🙄

It of course means regular holidays for the Gram. Preferably in Dubai, Bali or anywhere where you can show you've flown long haul and upgraded to lounge access.

It means joining a premium gym even if you have no real fitness aspirations, because you can then post reels from the locker room in beige lycra while talking about mental health.

It's never said enough on here or anywhere, how much Instagram affects and influences fellow women to show off.

They want to live exactly like the people they follow. They want to be around folded fluffy white towels and diffusers in a wood-panelled locker room at a "premium gym" because their favourite influencer does so. They want to be holding the keys to a Merc, BMW or Audi because they believe this matches their worth. They need people to big them up to validate why they own it.

To me, you’re fishing in a very small pond of guys who like/can maintain this type of dynamic where they can treat someone in the manner you want to be treated an this guy has tried to mirror your expectations but ultimately can’t follow through. Have you called the restaurant yourself to see if they have a space?

I think he’s ended up intimidated by your expectations and knows he falls short. You’ve got quite invested time wise before you love established if he can actually deliver on his promises. It sounds very much like you’ve been catfished, not in the looks department but in the capability to to provide the lifestyle you want.

cut your losses and go find someone who’s actually wealthy and able to cater to your needs, as opposed to good at fantasising about it.

I don't think he's dodged a bullet or you're shallow or any other remarks thrown at you! You have certain standards - just like mine would be that I wouldn't accept a first date at McDonalds, others would. You have a nice life OP and you want someone who has the same values as you.
With regard the wanting to kiss you though - ICK!!!! I up until recently was also doing online dating and as soon as they started on about having fallen for me and can't wait to see me and kiss me, it gave me an incredible ick. Maybe because women generally don't think about that until they have met and feelings have grown but I found it just plain weird and full on. I think I would tread carefully OP with this one, there are a few tiny red flags (though haven't got to the bitter end yet so maybe there are a few more for me to see) but you seem very clear and determined and definitely nobody's fool so you'll be fine I'm sure. Good luck x

@RtHonLadyMuck

i wouldn’t want to date someone in minimum wage! There’s a cost of living crisis, you know!

Because until you actually MEET someone in person you have no idea whether you actually like them or not. You can't know someone you've not actually met.

Or are you more interested in getting a free fancy meal?

She was also "substituting" her friends and family (when I think she wanted to say subsidising).

This isn't to be cruel op, but it is just your whole thread is really based on thinking it is somehow clever to be exacting about "the finer things in life" when in fact there are many things people can be exacting about and it's why it never hurts to approach life with a bit of humility and allowance for other's errors - like muddling a booking or, perhaps, not feeling able to afford a Hakkasan-style treat when the time came.

It's all very well to think you are impressive in expecting other people to hit the mark when you have your own areas of sloppiness.

I think the OP is getting quite a bit of stick here, and not sure if I've misunderstood but I think maybe she is more annoyed that the arrangement has been messed up, which doesn't look good when its the first date. If the arrangement had originally been for a much more casual place then she wouldn't have gone to the effort with the outfit / nails etc. and maybe would have been OK with a more casual place if that had been the original plan. I think go with your gut feeling OP, and maybe if you think this sets the tone for the future just give it a miss. Might be worth going ahead with a date elsewhere and if it goes well arrange the fancier place for your 2nd date and see what happens.

My DH and I like a nice treat every so often when we go out, but I think the issue here is REQUIRING it. No harm in enjoying it imo. But jettisoning someone you have had such open chats etc with just because they either can't afford it this time or have perhaps thought better of it (which is not crazy given they have never met) seems a bit OTT to me - and destined to end in tears at some point of the journey if her main criteria in a partner is him being "Mr Flashy Cashy" to prove his esteem for her.

If - and I say if - he has backed off the idea until he knows you better op, that isn't anything to feel insulted by. He hasn't actually met you; he doesn't know you - and no, you can't "know" someone properly without ever having met them. Maybe in a professional context, but not in a relationship where things like chemistry and physical attraction etc are integral.

It would mean far more in terms of a genuine compliment for him to want to push the boat out once he knows you - and that may be exactly what he planned.

@Brummytobites

This.

I think that's what it is too: she had planned her outfit and had settled in her mind how she would look when they had their first physical meeting.

Fair enough. Nothing hard to understand about that - especially if she finds it hard to depart from arrangements once she has them settled in her mind.

But the problem is the next step, where she is trying to say it was somehow owed to her to go somewhere expensive, and that it shows him to be at fault etc, when in fact perhaps it just didn't work out with the bookings, or for whatever other reason there has been a change, and when in fact the real issue is her inflexibility.

I think it can be important in life to know when a problem is really as much your issue, rather than trying to twist it into a virtue in her mind that she only dines at the best places (except on a Tuesday).

ETA it is perfectly ok op to just be honest with yourself and say "I am struggling here because things have not proceeded as I expected." That is how we learn to deal with our challenges. You are allowed to find that hard - we all find certain things hard - but don't twist it into someone's shortcoming.

I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing to hold someone to an expectation they've set.

If he's changed his mind for any reason, an open conversation about that and why would likely have gone down better than a "mess up" and then suggesting alternatives that are not equivalent.

I would be much more accepting of "I can't afford that right now, could we consider X instead?" than "We can't go to Y so you'll have to make do with Z which you've already told me you don't like".

There's a difference in the behaviour and it's perfectly reasonable to "have the ick" at the latter.

Meet on that date for a coffee, if that goes well book ahead for the swanky place when you can get a date that suits.

I agree that openness on his part would have been much better.

But I also think op needs to be honest too.

And justhereforthecomments25
has given such a great comment to think about