Bf sleeps half they day and doesn’t help round house

[ano1717369119]

I feel like all I do is nag, I’ve asked him to help round house but he says I need to tell him what to do, I’ve told him stuff to do ie do his dishes and clean up after using kitchen bit he half ass does it dishes still dirty and bunkers wiped but still stuff over them,
also other stuff I’ve told him I shouldn’t need to ask as you can see house needs hoovered but says he doesn’t notice it but we have cats you can see the litter on floor , or if I’m working and he’s in house with son the mess isn’t is problem that’s mines when a get home
also he finishes work late and wants to unwind which I get but turns tv on in room while I’m sleep which wake me up, this results in him sleeping till noon or after each day which is my fault as I didn’t wake him🙈

the thing is he is so loving but doesn’t matter how many times I ask for help round the house it just doesn’t happen then ends in an argument cos he goes cold on me as he feels like I’m nagging and all I do is moan

But a feel it’s not unreasonable to ask for help without telling him exactly what to do, unsure what I can do to get him to help more round the house cos fed up at this point of doing everything from min I open my eyes.

This.

If you want it to work, you need (together) to come up with some solutions.

Be very specific in your requirements, not a general moan. Some people are blind to mess.

It shouldn't be on you to do all of this but as you appear to want to carry on the relationship:

• get him headphones for the TV
• allocate him set tasks on set days e.g can you hoover before work on Tuesday (assuming he starts late?)
• getting up later or wanting some downtime is reasonable if you work shifts but what time should he be getting up? Agree say 10.30am and stick to it. Set an alarm. If he ignores it then wake him up.

He should be able to enjoy watching TV after work without disturbing anyone but there are easy ways to achieve this.

That’s not ‘loving’ behaviour. That’s being a selfish slob.

Get rid of him as he’s not a good role model for your son. You need to seriously up your standards and please don’t settle for another manchild.

The lone reason to have a boyfriend is for him to hugely enhance every aspect of your life and make everything easier and fun.

That's the whole point.

Dump the slob and enjoy life.

He's not cooked properly. Now he has a mammy and he gets sex on top. Why would he change?

They don't get any better OP. You can choose to make your peace, live on seperate houses or end it. My ex is 53 and he's still the same little slovenly boy he always was.

In other words, be a better mammy to him

The question is why are your standards so low and why are you so desperate for any relationship, to remain in this one?

There are a lot of hallmarks of an unhealthy relationship here. He "goes cold" when you try to adjust responsibilities so that they ARE fair to you, rather than listening to you and representing his point of view so you two can compromise on a mutually acceptable solutions. He thinks if he makes it miserable for you to stand up for yourself, you'll roll over and let him have his way at your expense. He turns on the TV when you're reasonably sleeping and you've told him it bothers you - if there's not another place in the house where the TV can go besides the bedroom, can he not quite easily use headphones? He thinks caring for your shared child is your responsibility alone. How does he think ANY of these attitudes and behaviours are OK?

I know people groan about this, but I think it's worth reframing and being/staying consciously aware: if you two live together, he is not "helping you" with household tasks and the work of keeping the household running; it is his responsibility as much as yours. Ditto childcare and parenting if you have children together. You may routinely do more than him by advanced mutual agreement - for example, if his job requires longer hours than yours, if he's working while going to school, if he has a super long commute and you WFH, etc. But ideally, whatever split you come up with will give you two roughly equal "free time".

It's possible that he has a much higher tolerance for mess, disorder, and even dirt than you do. That's manageable, just agree on the frequency of repeat tasks like vacuuming x room or cleaning the toilets. That may end up being a compromise - more often than he'd think to do it but less often than you'd ideally like, but keep things hygienic at the least. If he can't then pick up his share without being asked or nagged (his expecting you to tel him what to do is putting more work on you when it sounds like you already have a higher than equitable share as it is), the two of you could make some kind of "chore chart" showing who does what and when it needs to be completed. Then he does his part in a reasonable time frame (which can accommodate his sleeping late or wanting to relax after work, he just needs to plan ahead so all of his responsibilities get done) without having to be told again.

If he isn't willing to try this or agrees but doesn't follow through, I'd be looking for a convincing explanation of why he thinks his time is more important than yours. Spoiler Alert: it's not.

Why does he need to help you? Is it not his mess as well? It is not helping, it is being an adult with responsibility for your own shit.

If he genuinely has memory problems, he could set himself a schedule where he hoovers on certain days every week, washes up properly after himself etc. If he doesn't know how, there are YouTube videos to help him help himself.

DO NOT PUT UP WITH IT.

He is taking the piss.

I voted YABU for thinking it is all on you and he should "help".

You say he can't watch the TV in the living room? Can't he use a device with earphones? He should not be watching TV when you are trying to sleep.

He sounds like a waste of space. It would annoy me if I had to explain to someone what chores needed to be done. I can choose to be oblivious to mess when it suits me that's my perogative as I live alone.

Oh and fuck the TV off out of the Bedroom.

He needs to get headphones if he wants to watch tv (in the living room) and he doesn't want to wake his son

But he wont as hes an arse

Nail on the head. He's clearly not grown up and has no intention of growing up and embracing being an adult. He's just a man-child. Like you say, the OP has replaced his mother with the "added benefit" of sex. The OP need to grow a pair, have a little self respect and get rid of the waster.

You don't have to put up with a lazy, idle disrespectful bully. End it, and tell him to sling his hook. 👍

I’ve been married 13 years and still have to tell DH what he needs to do sometimes (usually when we are clearing for the cleaner coming) but he does his ‘blue’ jobs without prompting

He’s being loving SO THAT you will do all the chores for him. Manipulative.
’Loving’ is not the same as respectful. Respectful is doing his fair share and not dumping it on you

Get him out!!

I agree with the above. Being moody because he can’t watch TV is childish. He doesn’t sound respectful, he sounds like a PITA. Leave him now or you will end up with a manchild dragging you down

My DP used to treat me like a maid. No help with housework. I cooked and dud everything. All he did was work, pub and game. He would come home and if I was in bed scroll on his phone next to me knowing the light woke me up. The last straw was when I worked a 14 hr day and had to be up early to repeat it. The cat knocked a drink on the carpet and he shouted at me to clean it up when I walked through the door as he doesn’t clean!

so I left and bought my own house. 2 months later we did get back together. He doesn’t treat me as a maid. We have a cleaner, we share rest of life admin. It was a wake up call to him.

Exactly my thought. If this is love, who bloody needs it?

You need to throw this one back and catch another.
.

That is so very unreasonable because he wouldnt be 'helping'

What you are asking him to do is be an adult

What he is doing is treating you like his mum

I wouldn't be able to put up with that

I voted YABU but only because I think you’re being unreasonable staying with this “man”

Help? Who is he helping? You can’t help to clean your own house. These aren’t your jobs that he helps with; he should just be doing his half of everything.

Is the house in both your names?

He Isn’t ‘not helping’

He's not doing his fair share. Language matters.

You are not default houseworker.