Bf sleeps half they day and doesn’t help round house

[ano1717369119]

I feel like all I do is nag, I’ve asked him to help round house but he says I need to tell him what to do, I’ve told him stuff to do ie do his dishes and clean up after using kitchen bit he half ass does it dishes still dirty and bunkers wiped but still stuff over them,
also other stuff I’ve told him I shouldn’t need to ask as you can see house needs hoovered but says he doesn’t notice it but we have cats you can see the litter on floor , or if I’m working and he’s in house with son the mess isn’t is problem that’s mines when a get home
also he finishes work late and wants to unwind which I get but turns tv on in room while I’m sleep which wake me up, this results in him sleeping till noon or after each day which is my fault as I didn’t wake him🙈

the thing is he is so loving but doesn’t matter how many times I ask for help round the house it just doesn’t happen then ends in an argument cos he goes cold on me as he feels like I’m nagging and all I do is moan

But a feel it’s not unreasonable to ask for help without telling him exactly what to do, unsure what I can do to get him to help more round the house cos fed up at this point of doing everything from min I open my eyes.

Then he should watch on a laptop or tablet with headphones. Selfish and lazy, what do you see in him?

DH needs earphones for TV.
Write a clear list and stick it to the wall.
Point to it. Allocate some tasks to each of you.

If DH can't DO cleaning without prompting .. reconsider calling him an adult.

He has been parented badly by both his parents. Tell them that.

Stop asking him to “help”. It sounds like you’re asking him for a favour. He lives there as well and he has to be a responsible adult.

There really should be a “ low bar, treat me like a doormat “ section on this site.

You shouldn't need to tell him what needs doing. He's a grown adult. He can work it out

And don't talk of him "helping" as this fuels the narrative that it's really your job and you should be grateful for his contribution

My approach would be along these lines "i love you but am starting to wonder if we're compatible. I prefer a clean house and equal effort to achueve that. It's not a priority for you and i accept that. So I'm wondering if we'd be better off apart". If he really cares about the relationship, he'll find the hoover and use it. But, this strategy only works if (1) you're serious and would follow through and (2) you don't fall for the age old trick of him upping his game for just a couple of weeks and then going back to normal

With hindsight there are 2 possibilities (1) he used to keep a clean house but due to misogyny now thinks it's your responsibility or (2) he's always had lower standards but somehow you thought he'd miraculously change

OP, would you define what 'loving' means to you please ?

Get rid.

You have got yourself a manchild here.
look up weaponised incompetence

but he says I need to tell him what to do

Who tells you?! This boils my piss when the unhelpful partner changes the narrative like this.

He's a selfish dickhead who brings nothing and it won't improve

get rid of him now before he destroys your self esteem and spirit

Whose son are we talking about here?

I would have binned this idiot ages ago.

It will never change. He's a selfish man child who wants a mother to look after him. Dump him now.

You are living with a manchild who doesn't give a luck about you.

End it. Good luck

You have unfortunately chosen a complete loser to procreate with.
no, op, he isn’t loving. As others have said, what does ‘loving’ mean to you? Because you’ve described this guy as being selfish, thoughtless, lazy and sexist.
and also, no, op, you are not ‘nagging’. His laziness has resulted in your despair. I think if any bloke dared do fuck all, then say I’m nagging if I raised his awfulness, he’d be out on his ear. Not that I’d be with someone like this in the first place.
just ltb op, he’s awful and it’s a terrible example for your son.

Bin him, it's not going to improve

13 year relationship. We moved in together and he decided to change his shifts a few years in, to a night shift. His choice, he decided he wanted the money. Over a year, I asked multiple times to go back to normal shift. He slept all day, woke up to eat then went back to bed. All weekend he would be in bed, come downstairs, sleep on the sofa. I was alone all the time. I had to clean all the house, barring the bedroom because I couldnt get in there. Plans were cancelled because he just slept. I gave up asking for anything.

Im now single. Best thing that ever happened to me. My house is cleaner, because I dont begrudge doing it. I was alone before so makes no difference now. Im not pissed off all the time. Im not saying its easy financially, but emotionally im a lot better off.

End the relationship. You're his mum, not his partner. He's lazy, he selfish and he's weaponising incompetence. He needs to be an adult who is able to see and do the basics required to live without a list or someone instructing him. Do you need a list to wash the dishes or clean the bathroom? This doesn't get better.

If you want to stay with him, write a chore rota. Split the tasks fairly. You shouldn't have to do that, but it could just set out who does what clearly.

I'd also be honest about your expectations. Are you naturally tidier than he is? You need to meet each other in the middle. Don't say anything if the job he does isn't up to your standard. Done is better than perfect.

Tell him the tv has to go off when you are asleep. That's just thoughtless. He can find some other way to unwind if there's no other tv.

Why are you asking for help? Clearing up and doing chores is not your responsibility. Another adult is responsible for half of all the jobs. Anyone not seeing this isn’t worth bothering with.

You also need a rethink about the ‘help’ mindset.

Why, why oh why would you put up with this. Ditch the manchild - you deserve better!

This is all that needs to be said.

Who does the house belong to?

Who does the son belong to?

This will determine your next steps.

I would get rid of the TV in the bedroom- totally disrespectful to turn it on in a room where you are sleeping.

If he won’t share household chores , kick him out.

Has he ever lived on his own or always with parents? If the latter and they’ve (his Mum probably) done everything he just won’t get it. Personally this would be a red flag to me.

He is selfish.
He is lazy.
He doesn't care about you.
He is only loving so you don't see what he really is.

A partner is supportive and adds to your life. You don't have a partner, you have someone sucking your life out of you. Get rid and then get some therapy to help with your self esteem.