AIBU to think that a gift isn’t really a gift if it’s being a carer on holiday?

[AmazonDiamond]

My mother is quite wealthy and is 89. She’s in pretty good health on the whole but she’s got mobility and cognition (not dementia but age related decline) issues. Her financial adviser has recommended that to avoid 40% inheritance tax on her assets as much as possible, she should gift £6k a year (the limits to avoid the 7 year inheritance tax rule is £3k plus another £3k if it’s interest earned on investment and you can prove you don’t need it to live on). She has excellent pensions which give her an income far in excess of what she needs or wants to spend, 4 children and numerous grandchildren. So she could give away £6k a year no problem.

Instead of giving her children the money (and of course she doesn’t need to give it to us - she can give it to a charity or anywhere!) she says that she wants to use the money to pay for us to take her away on holidays. So her gift is us taking her away on holiday. Not all together but each of us taking her away in turn.

I work full time, have three kids (two with SEN) and a limited holiday allowance. AIBU in thinking this isn’t really a gift and is actually working?

For context, I do most of the day to day caring as she moved to be very close to me after my dad died 6 years ago.

She keeps badgering me about where I want to go. I do love her very much but this wouldn’t be a holiday. I don’t know how to say to her that I don’t want to take her on holiday without really hurting her feelings. I’ve suggested a series of day trips but she keeps pushing back with that not being very relaxing for me. She really has no idea that she is not at all relaxing to be with.

If anyone has any good ideas how I could say thanks but no thanks I would love to hear it. And I don’t want her money at all.

Giver her a break, OP has said she has cognition issues. She sounds extremely loving to me, just a little lacking in understanding. She’s nearly 90 after all!

No idea but I feel your pain. She's very fixed on what she wants and can't take in or compute anything that runs contrary to that.

you advised op to have a break away from kids, especially as you say they are sen- OPs holidays are limited, the children who have their childhood only once and each year is precious,you think op after working through the year at work and outside the work as carer and already being away from her kids needs a further break from the kids so the kids also miss out on a holiday and memories with their mom?

If you are a parent you are a jerk to your kids if thats what you do.

This, people like ops mum will honestly be thinking they are a wonderful benefactor and that op and siblings are exceptionally grateful and pleased with the honour of being treated to a relaxing holiday!

I get it @AmazonDiamond. My parents are in their mid/late 80s with some age related cognitive and physical decline (although nothing officially diagnosed and both in good health for their age). Even taking them around the supermarket is an ordeal. I love them and we're very close but I miss the competent and vital people they used to be - even in their 70s - when holidaying with them was an adventure rather than an exercise in endurance.

All you can do is keep explaining about your annual leave/childcare situation. If you can get a luxurious long weekend in the uk booked next time you see her, it might stop the repetitive questioning.

If you are in England, please get her to check out the IHT issue. I’m pretty sure the personal allowance is £3K per person from a married couple. If your mum is on her own, it reduces to £1.5K. There are other rules re gifts for weddings etc.

It is a question, and somewhat influences one’s responses

She wants you to spend your limited personal holiday time (and use up your husband's in childcare) with her instead of your own children?

Awful woman.

Just find a polite way to say no.

Shes your mum you’re meant to be able to be open and honest with her. Just tell her that it’s not realistic for you to be able to go away with her one on one. I don’t know why you wouldn’t suggest going away with the kids, they’re her grandkids. But anyways you just say it’s not realistic due to your holiday allowance, the knock on effect of your DH having to take time off to care for the kids etc.

I always say that people become themselves but more so in certain situations m: grief, tragedy, illness and old age.

i 100% agree with you. Find one short emotion free sentence and say it everytime she brings it up. I use chat got for these situations. It starts off too flowery and AI but I find going, no shorter, kinder etc usually gets me what I want. Finding the words when you’re emotional yourself is hard - I could do it in a flash for a friend. You have limited capacity - I really wouldn’t diminish it further with something you then supposed to pretend felt an amazing gift!

You don’t understand dementia that often comes with old age.

It is not an indication of the core of the person. It is a ghastly condition that distorts the person.

I would go for a long weekend in a super fancy hotel. I totally get where you are coming from. I would have lost it with my mum if I had to take her away!!

@AmazonDiamond How about somewhere like Potters? There are two, one in Norfolk and one in Essex. Adult only though Norfolk is extremely child friendly during the school holidays and extremely inclusive. It’s all inclusive and is literally the perfect place to take an elderly parent away for a few days. There are as many or as few activities as you want to do, Entertainment every night and the food is good. My DDad is in his 80’s and I’m taking him and his partner there later in the year for a break.

sounds like you dont like your children and their company? If she goes on holiday wo kids and uses up her holidays,the kids wont be going on on or should have been one. Only a selfish jerk would do this to her kids, if your kids went to school and spent majority of their days there and then you thought you needed even a bigger break from them you are even worse than that

You need to draw a boundary and not be drawn in.
I did all the looking after my Mum. I refused to do holidays. I got 22 days a year and had 3 kids. That was my answer and I didn't budge from it.

From your recent responses it sounds as if your DM has cognitive decline, either normal age related or start of dementia.Therefore she may not have the capacity to remember that you said no to a holiday offer previously, and secondly if I were one of your siblings I would be somewhat nervous about being abroad with her for a week. Does she actually have holiday insurance, I would say that would be rather necessary in these circumstances?

And certainly you have no reason to berate yourself for not going. As someone who spends more time than I enjoy in the company of elderly DPs to support them, a holiday with them would be the very antithesis of one for me. To be fair they are way past holidays, but the last time we did go away with them - 18 years ago paid by us to say thank you for childcare- it was ghastly and I swore never to repeat the experience.

Sorry I wasn’t meaning to be flippant. There are of course more aspects to how old age can impact the mind. But it doesn’t happen to everyone. There is similar longevity in one side of my family like the op and they’ve not had any dementia like issues. I do have experience of family member with serious mental health issues like schizophrenia and in my experience there is no clean delineation between illness and personality. Hard situations for everyone involved.

OP your mistake was putting this in AIBU try the elderly parents board next time. It's in Other.

‘’ That’d be lovely Mum but I just don’t have enough annual leave. You’ve got xx booked with you though haven’t you! That’ll be great! ‘’

@AmazonDiamond I agree with you that taking an 85+ year old away is nothing like a 65 - 70 year old. They have a comprehension gap in understanding why it’s not a break for you.

I did 3 night trips with my Mum after my Dad died. It was exhausting having to think ahead for her and she had no insight into the impact on me. I know exactly what you mean about airports etc. and I dread flying with anyone else as I find it so stressful.

You already spend a lot of quality time with your Mum so there is no need to go on holiday. I imagine your siblings will only do one holiday with your Mum then vow never again.

A 3 day break to a nice hotel not far away, so minimal driving, is the most I would do. If you live near to Southampton a 3 night cruise also might be an option.

However, I think you need to be honest with your Mum that a holiday with her would not be a break from caring for you. She won’t hear it but at least you have given her a reason.

She said in her post 8 hours before you made this one that's she close with her mother.

Wow, I guess you just tell her you want the money, not to enjoy experiences spending time with her. And by the way, it would be her taking you on holiday, not the other way around.

If she wants to go on holiday that’s one thing- and I’m sure it’s possible to plan for someone to take her or a few of you with her so it spreads the load.

If you want to.

Or a paid carer as well if she’s so wealthy.

But she has to stop seeing this as a form of gift to you.

She could well do her holidays AND give you the money as I’m sure that’s even more tax efficient. I don’t think she really understood what the accountant meant - that this is a way of GIVING you some of your inheritance tax free, on top of any general spending she might do. It’s about the max cash she can give away, not the max she can spend.

Or she could, you know, have her money taxed when she dies. That would be the best thing to do to help the most people.

The three day trip including a weekend that PPs have suggested sounds good. I think keeping on emphasising the lack of annual leave is a good idea.

But I do think she’s misunderstood the point of the accountant’s advice - she could spend as much as she likes on holidays or steak dinners or whatever. It’s about giving cash away that’s he’s said 6k a year.