AIBU to think that a gift isn’t really a gift if it’s being a carer on holiday?

[AmazonDiamond]

My mother is quite wealthy and is 89. She’s in pretty good health on the whole but she’s got mobility and cognition (not dementia but age related decline) issues. Her financial adviser has recommended that to avoid 40% inheritance tax on her assets as much as possible, she should gift £6k a year (the limits to avoid the 7 year inheritance tax rule is £3k plus another £3k if it’s interest earned on investment and you can prove you don’t need it to live on). She has excellent pensions which give her an income far in excess of what she needs or wants to spend, 4 children and numerous grandchildren. So she could give away £6k a year no problem.

Instead of giving her children the money (and of course she doesn’t need to give it to us - she can give it to a charity or anywhere!) she says that she wants to use the money to pay for us to take her away on holidays. So her gift is us taking her away on holiday. Not all together but each of us taking her away in turn.

I work full time, have three kids (two with SEN) and a limited holiday allowance. AIBU in thinking this isn’t really a gift and is actually working?

For context, I do most of the day to day caring as she moved to be very close to me after my dad died 6 years ago.

She keeps badgering me about where I want to go. I do love her very much but this wouldn’t be a holiday. I don’t know how to say to her that I don’t want to take her on holiday without really hurting her feelings. I’ve suggested a series of day trips but she keeps pushing back with that not being very relaxing for me. She really has no idea that she is not at all relaxing to be with.

If anyone has any good ideas how I could say thanks but no thanks I would love to hear it. And I don’t want her money at all.

‘I work, have sen childrne and spend as much time with you as possible. I am too tired to travel. I need to spend my annual leave doing as little as possible and preferably speaking to as few peope as possible including my nearest and dearest so I can survive the year. I’m off your holiday list sorry.

Unless you can go the ‘you’ve mis understood the tax advice’ presuming people are right that spending it on holidays won’t avoid iht, only gifting it. (Either way she won’t have it so both seem to work to me?)

or how about you take your mum on holiday and enjoy the time you have left with her. You only get mum and you’ll regret it when she’s gone. Think your being very selfish.

I would stick with the short explanation about being busy looking after the family and not having enough annual leave. You have offered day trips and you need to be firm about your boundaries.

Paying for something health related like a private carer or companion (or a private operation) is not considered deprivation of assets provided the expenditure is reasonable and not designed to simply soak up financial resources. Your mother can treat her children and also hire a companion/carer to accompany her on holiday. Given her age and mobbility issues this would be considered reasonable.

Oh dear another one who apparently did not read the OP

Just direct her to The Cats Protection.

How do you know she will regret it? It sounds like op does lots with her mum both In terms of caring for her, and also taking her out, so spends lots of time with her. Caring is hard work and all carers deserve a break, if op uses her leave for this holiday she won't get that break. Oh and caring in a different place is not a break.

I think this is really sad that she clearly wants and values one to one time with her kids before she dies. She’s so old I would do this with my mum.

Suggest a family trip 3-5 days with you, your dc, your siblings and their families, somewhere nice with kids entertainment, all food included where you can flop (check sen policy for your hotel but we found suitable places) she gets the family holiday, you have back up and make sure it’s really nice, this won’t count towards inheritance tax so she can gift money in addition

Maybe she is really saying she wants to go on holidays but needs the safety net of someone she trusts with her, so she is offering to pay and dress it up as a gift.

I feel really sorry for her.
I know it’s work, but this is likely her last chance to see something new rather than the usual drive to a historic home and a cup of tea in the cafe that she’s seen umpteen times. She sounds bored out of her mind and wants to spend some one on one time with each of you doing something fun before the end.

I’d take her on holiday. Think of it as scouting for future family holidays.
You would get a break from the kids- travelling with one elderly adult for a week can’t be more work than full time work plus 3 young kids, two with SEN, for a week. You’d only need to dedicate 1 week a year for a few years.

When your siblings do the same, you’d get a break from caring for her on top of work and your kids.

It seems really important to her, she hasn’t much time left. I think you might regret it later.

Ok, waiting for you to call me sanctimonious too. If that’s how you feel, think on this you are role modelling for your kids how to treat you when you are elderly and all you want is a bit of travel before you kick the bucket but none of your kids will go with you because they’re too busy and you’re too much work and you can’t go alone as too old.

Yes I would advise to mention her plan to her advisor, maybe go with her. And clarify. She has misunderstood totally.

You don’t have kids to expect them to be your carer or emotional support blanket. God I hate this shit. I will never put on my kids like that - I’ll offer to treat them of course, but it’s the emotional blackmail as demonstrated on your post that is awful. I will have my own friends to go away with - or if I’m 89 and have no friends to invite then I will suck up my pride and pay a carer. Especially when my DD already does so much with all her other responsibilities!

I see you have been properly conditioned to put yourself last like all good girls. Well done you.

Guilting your DD to put herself last is not the same thing as not putting yourself last.

You should try reading the Op then. She explains very well why going would be putting herself last.

FFS, read the OP. What is up with people's reading skills? I blame the teachers.

Making memories. 🤮

I think you have had some good suggestions about saying that you need time to unwind with your husband and kids.
Personally I would be blunt and just tell her that looking after her isn’t a holiday for you.
i am fairly LC with my remaining parent but both my parents always thought they could buy everything, including buying a people carrier so my brother could take them out with him when he and his wife and kids went out. Nothing ever came without strings. When they said they were going to treat my sister and her family to a holiday with them, my BIL said he would rather stick his head up a bears backside!

I agree with the suggestions of a luxury UK hotel for a long weekend. Would your Mum enjoy a spa hotel? I’d snap it up if someone offered it to me, I love being pampered. 😂

Im in a similar situation with my mum. Shes not doing it for tax reasons though. I think she genuinely thinks its a nice thing to do.
But shes in a wheelchair and quite frail. I have 3 young kids the youngest of whom is not yet 2.. I work nights 24 hours a week and my holiday time is precious..
Shes asking to go to a Greek island.
It would be an absolute nightmare but shes so offended that im not delighted by her offer..
The thing is not only would it be 24/hr work for me but more work than I do most of the time anyway. Like an anti holiday! And using up my holiday hours to do it... on a Greek island. Known ofcourse for their accessibility 🤣

Not sure about the emphasis on the yearly spend to avoid the IHT. It appears she might be liable on her remaining assets. So if she gifts more than £6000 while it will be added to her estate on death for IHT if she didn’t gift and doesn’t spend on herself the tax bill will be the same. Also if she lives a bit longer than 3 years the IHT bill could be mitigated by gifting more than the £6,000 per year. Sounds like she’s using IHT planning as an excuse to get free care and pretend she can’t give them more than £6,000 a year. She could gift the families more cash to pay for a stress free holiday for them and also ask them to accompany her somewhere on another short break. If she’s that well off I don’t understand why she wouldn’t want to help out her family more either to help with necessities or luxuries. From an IHT perspective she has nothing to lose as if she doesn’t spend on herself the IHT bill is the same if she dies in less than 3 years.

@AmazonDiamond is she a loving mother with whom you had a healthy good relationship with?

If so, just be honest. Full time working mum of two SEN children. Say it’s a weekend or a night away - and that’s what the option is.

If not, then again just be honest. But don’t make an alternative suggestion.

Is it not that simple?

How about she spend some of that squirrelling away on a carer?

If she wants ‘one last holiday abroad’ with you and later, your siblings, and if you were open to going without the caring responsibilities, she could hire a carer to help her out on the basis that then you get to spend quality time with her instead of focusing on her needs. If she/you are not willing to do that, it sounds like you’re at an impasse.