AIBU to think that a gift isn’t really a gift if it’s being a carer on holiday?

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My mother is quite wealthy and is 89. She’s in pretty good health on the whole but she’s got mobility and cognition (not dementia but age related decline) issues. Her financial adviser has recommended that to avoid 40% inheritance tax on her assets as much as possible, she should gift £6k a year (the limits to avoid the 7 year inheritance tax rule is £3k plus another £3k if it’s interest earned on investment and you can prove you don’t need it to live on). She has excellent pensions which give her an income far in excess of what she needs or wants to spend, 4 children and numerous grandchildren. So she could give away £6k a year no problem.

Instead of giving her children the money (and of course she doesn’t need to give it to us - she can give it to a charity or anywhere!) she says that she wants to use the money to pay for us to take her away on holidays. So her gift is us taking her away on holiday. Not all together but each of us taking her away in turn.

I work full time, have three kids (two with SEN) and a limited holiday allowance. AIBU in thinking this isn’t really a gift and is actually working?

For context, I do most of the day to day caring as she moved to be very close to me after my dad died 6 years ago.

She keeps badgering me about where I want to go. I do love her very much but this wouldn’t be a holiday. I don’t know how to say to her that I don’t want to take her on holiday without really hurting her feelings. I’ve suggested a series of day trips but she keeps pushing back with that not being very relaxing for me. She really has no idea that she is not at all relaxing to be with.

If anyone has any good ideas how I could say thanks but no thanks I would love to hear it. And I don’t want her money at all.

From your mum's point of view, she's getting some quality time with each of her children and making some memories of her for when she's gone. Also, if she spreads the holidays out, she's got something to really look forward to every three months.

I understand your point of view though. At the very least, you should encourage your three siblings to take her for a week each. As you say you're doing most of her regular care, it would also give you a break, when they take their turn taking her away.

What about booking a cruise then? Find one that has a kids club for your kids. Beds made for you, all meals cooked and there's entertainment laid on. Maybe there is a way for you to do it where you can get a break too. Can she book you two cabins, you and DH in one and your mum and her grandkids next door? Otherwise, somewhere all inclusive.

Yes, this. She can spend as much money as she wants on things and that will reduce her capital that is subject to IHT as it doesn't go direct to the other person but otherwise she needs to give cash yearly £3000 is exempt and regular gifts from her income are allowed. No actual limit as long as it doesn't impact on your day to day living. I'm assuming the person who advised her has looked at income and expenditure and calculated £3k is what she can afford to give

Yes unless her plan is to give dd the cash to buy the holiday... I might be wrong but think ops carer duties could possibly kick in at the planning stage...

Personally I would just tell her outright that she has misunderstood the financial advice, so the holiday idea does not tick that box, and that it doesn’t sound like much of a treat for you given your day to day responsibilities. Can’t you just tell her?

I am amazed by some if the comments on here. The OP works full time, has three children two of whom have SEN, and already does an awful lot for her DM. Why would she want to give up a big chunk of her holiday to be a carer for her DM in addition to what she is already doing? I think a long weekend is the most she can reasonably expect, and it has to be on the OP’s terms. I’d emphasise how difficult it is to organise childcare round your limited amount of holiday. Is there a DH in all this? If so, what does he think about it all? Most DH’s would not want to go on holiday with their MIL. OP, I think you are just going to have to say that two weeks is out of the question because of your DC, but that a long weekend/few days in the UK could work.

It sounds controlling to me. Why doesn’t she just give you the bloody money? I’d never do this to my kids.

I understand her not wanting to go with carers, is she meaning her own? There are holiday providers that also offer up to 1:1 care and have holidays in the UK, abroad and on cruises.

Is this a wider issue then of her in denial about the increasing need for her own care and (speaking from experience) some growing resentment on your part about how that additional need is falling to you? Maybe it's a discussion about that rather than this specific holiday.
On the holiday issue I agree with other posters that a clear 'not available' message needs to be sent, otherwise this could become an annual expectation, especially if she still has money to spend. I feel for you OP!

This is a gift for your dm, not for you and your siblings.
How about a weekend at a Warner, adult only hotel. My sister and her partner did this with my mum. My mum is in her 80s, great company, doesn't need caring for but does have limited mobility.

The 3 of them loved the hotel so much that they have booked another long weekend there.

I would just say that you would love a holiday if she can afford to pay for it but as you have very little holiday you would want to include your children and DH as well.

I would take her up on it but only with the proviso that she pays for a large villa and a nanny and a carer to accompany you so everyone can have a proper break.

I did this for my mum. It was awful. Came home absolutely exhausted and felt resentful about the whole thing afterwards. Don’t do it!! You will be working the whole time and you have children with special needs to look after. That was last year and this year she wants to do the same again - NO WAY. I want to create good memories with my mum and not bad ones. So this year I just said my time is very limited with annual leave and it’s just my family I will be going away with this year. She is disappointed, but I know (sadly) that I won’t be able to take her on holiday again.

The mother could pay for the whole holiday without affecting IHT, and also give each child £6k per year. But that doesn't solve OP's problem. I get the feeling that a whole family holiday would not help at all.

I suspect your mother knows full well that paying for a family holiday has no impact in terms of HMRC and liabilities whatsoever. But she’s dangling it as a way to coerce her children into holidaying with her.

Ive been a slightly similar situation and simply explained that:

• i already only have 6 weeks leave vs 13 weeks school holiday, and that a week away without my DC is simply a week of school holiday I now can't cover and its not that easy to sort childcare for because the various camps etc don't cover a working day + commute
• a week away in term time is near impossible for DH to manage with me not doing my half of pick ups/drop offs/clubs.
• i work full time and those 6 weeks with my DC are precious and I am not willing to use them on other people

When you’re working with DCs, every day of annual leave is precious as it’s either needed for the long school holidays or illness or medical appointments.
OP has to prioritise the needs of her dependent DCs over the wants of her adult DM who has other holiday options.
The only way I would be prepared to go is with the family, if she doesn’t like that well she can ask her other adult DC.

But away with this only one week a year for poor old DM it could be her last holiday. Yes it could be but working adults simply don’t have a lot of spare time, particularly if they are already doing a lot for her on the other 51 weeks of the year.

Why don’t you suggest a whole family holiday with your siblings and children and partners etc. Get a villa somewhere and she can pay 6k towards it and you all split the rest.

This would be ok if the other siblings were there and there could be a fair rota agreed so each gets more "holiday" time than "caring for v elderly mum" time

At 89, I think there is a bit more limit than “any time she fancies”

I would find this hard to turn down (if I had a mother who wanted a relationship with me). She wants to go away with you while she can. It’s surely not really about the money.

My mother is batshit, so I do appreciate “it’s your mum, you’ll regret it if you don’t go” opinions are sometimes not applicable. But it seems like you like your mother. That’s the impression I get from your posts.

My employer offers days for caring responsibilities and this would be covered. Does your employer have anything similar, even do a long weekend?
Or
Can she not take your whole family on holiday? Plenty people include grandparents on family holidays.

She should take you AND your children away on a holiday. And try to choose the most relaxing place where your children will be entertained as much as possible or appreciate it's hard with Sen children so where your mum can be relaxed and you can go us on the children. Try and think how this can work for you. Take my hat off to you, you are juggling a lot.

I meant FOCUS on the children at the end there.

I am not sure taking an elderly relative on holiday counts as caring responsibilities ( although it certainly wouldn’t be a holiday for OP).
With two SEN DCs she most likely already uses those days for their intended purpose.

I don’t know why people think paying for a holiday for someone else doesn’t count as a gift for IHT purposes, it does, it doesn’t have to be a cash gift. However if she’s worried about paying IHT and she was married and has children then she must have an estate of over £1 million, so she certainly could pay for her own carer to go with her.

We had similar with in laws inviting themselves on holiday with us to Cornwall, after politely trying to rebuff them we had to have a frank conversation that rural Cornwall wasn’t an ideal location for two people with mobility problems who frequently end up in hospital because they fall over, and we didn’t want to have to make the children wait everywhere we go while they hobble along slowly behind us, that wouldn’t be relaxing for us. They weren’t happy about it but they had to accept our decision, sometimes you just have to be frank with people if they don’t pick up your hints.

You have the conversation with her…….tell her you cannot take the time off, you have the children to consider but suggest that she employs a Personal Carer to accompany her on the holidays. That’ll soak up some of her wealth surely, and she’ll get to see the places she wants to visit