AIBU to think that a gift isn’t really a gift if it’s being a carer on holiday?

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My mother is quite wealthy and is 89. She’s in pretty good health on the whole but she’s got mobility and cognition (not dementia but age related decline) issues. Her financial adviser has recommended that to avoid 40% inheritance tax on her assets as much as possible, she should gift £6k a year (the limits to avoid the 7 year inheritance tax rule is £3k plus another £3k if it’s interest earned on investment and you can prove you don’t need it to live on). She has excellent pensions which give her an income far in excess of what she needs or wants to spend, 4 children and numerous grandchildren. So she could give away £6k a year no problem.

Instead of giving her children the money (and of course she doesn’t need to give it to us - she can give it to a charity or anywhere!) she says that she wants to use the money to pay for us to take her away on holidays. So her gift is us taking her away on holiday. Not all together but each of us taking her away in turn.

I work full time, have three kids (two with SEN) and a limited holiday allowance. AIBU in thinking this isn’t really a gift and is actually working?

For context, I do most of the day to day caring as she moved to be very close to me after my dad died 6 years ago.

She keeps badgering me about where I want to go. I do love her very much but this wouldn’t be a holiday. I don’t know how to say to her that I don’t want to take her on holiday without really hurting her feelings. I’ve suggested a series of day trips but she keeps pushing back with that not being very relaxing for me. She really has no idea that she is not at all relaxing to be with.

If anyone has any good ideas how I could say thanks but no thanks I would love to hear it. And I don’t want her money at all.

I’ll just reproduce a couple of sentences from my post immediately before yours:

I told her yesterday that I don’t have the holiday to take a week off (and it would mean DH taking time off too to manage the kids on his own) and she asked me again today. She then suggested we do a cruise around the U.K. that she’d read an article about. It’s 14 nights! 😅

So…. You and her aren’t close? Not a particularly loving and thoughtful mother?

I am not clear on whether or not you’re even close to her!

She sounds bloomin selfish

That's harsh. She sounds like an elderly lady without the mental acuity to necessarily appreciate the issues OP would have in taking such a holiday. My DM used to regularly offer to have my dog stay with them when we were going away. Absolutely no understanding of the fact that said DDog would need 2 hours of walks daily, and she was almost wheelchair bound. She just wanted to help. It sounds like OP and her mum have a pretty close relationship and mum thinks it's a nice offer.

Excellent idea.

Only the OP can clarify re her mother

Well you could request 2 weeks unpaid annual leave and ask her to cover the costs explaining you need to save your annual leave for a family holiday.

And I would never go away with her and my kids all at once. We’d never get through the airport (or I’d end up spending the week in airside Wetherspoons while the rest of them jetted off which isn’t a bad idea come to think of it 😂

You appear to have hit on a solution that works for everyone! Problem solved.

I was an unwilling travel companion to my mum. She died some years ago and I look back on those holidays with a lot of lovely memories and so glad I did them despite not really wanting to at the time.

She’s just really old. Unless you know any 90 year olds well, it’s very difficult to convey.

How lovely for you. I can assure you that’s not how I’ll feel as I’ve said in several posts but thanks for sharing your experience.

How much help does she need ? And is 6k all the wants to pay , wouldn’t she pay for your children to go too ? I don’t know your children’s needs obviously but wouldn’t a all inclusive Villa , one of those that has your own help all day work ?
I think you should try and go , let’s be honest at that age she won’t have many holidays left

No, that won’t work and it’s not what she wants or is dangling.

We’re very close. She’s just old.

If you’ve never been very close to a very old person you honestly have no idea. This is my third rodeo.

If no one in your family lived much beyond 70ish, you cannot comprehend. I come from a family of people who live a very long time. The youngest to die was 85. The oldest was 103. And this is on both sides! I have a lot of experience of elderly people and their demands/unrealistic expectations

You won't know how you will feel when she has died. You may regret that you didn't do it. But I agree. A long weekend in this country is all she can expect as you have a busy life .

Caring on holiday may be a holiday for the person being looked after, but for the carer it is simply working in a different place. Carer is still on duty all the time, probably with new issues to deal with and without the usual support systems. Maybe you have to have been a carer yourself to understand this.
Not entirely surprising that your mother is in denial about how much is involved in looking after her (especially in an unfamiliar place) - I've seen this before!

If you do decide to perhaps do three days you'd need to plan to make it as easy as possible on yourself - maybe have a sibling as well to share the load? Maybe a nice hotel so you wouldn't have to cook - or do groups like Saga holidays offer activities for elderly people so you could have some time off?

I think the advice your mother has been given is incorrect. You can make regular (monthly) gifts from excess income in excess of the amounts quoted as long as she can live on her remaining income.

Mum, that wouldn’t be a treat for the following reasons…

Why can’t people talk directly to each other these days?

The advice was to give you cash gifts to limit the inheritance tax you'll pay.
Instead of taking this advice she's decided to just spend the money instead. It's not the same thing at all. If she just wants to spend the money then she can do anything with it. She doesn't have to spend it on you (especially seeing as she's spending it on something you don't actually want).

I do, and I’m very close to her.

i am just trying to understand whether you have a close and loving relationship with her..,, if not now, in the past?

As do i. Wish i didn’t, but i do.

And even if the relationship is 90 has naturally had to change, forced to really due to dementia, the relationship before the decline still holds strong in your mind, and I’m just wondering was she the type of mother who would have totally understood your predicament and been supportive and loving if you’d explained you can’t take a week annual leave with her?

Not sure if this would work, but a friend who's husband is very disabled went on a cruise. Their was a lot of help from the staff as other holidays she has found too much. There would be entertainment for the children though how appropriate that would be for their needs etc.

Just a thought, yes it would still involve doing caring to some degree but if others are doing some of the heavy lifting..I. Don't do a cheap one though, my friend went with P&O.

You clearly have no experience of telling a stubborn elderly parent what they don't want to hear. I'm on my 4th rodeo and can tell you between memory, deafness and "lala didn't hear that", it often just leaves the caring son or daughter extremely frustrated.

Your limited holidays belong to your family,your children and to make memories with them. Going on a holiday with an 89yo is noway a holiday for anyone going along, this is like carers work plus overtime.

And then they get offended, followed by guilt tripping and silent treatment.

Because what you say and what other people (want to) hear are two different things.