AIBU to think that a gift isn’t really a gift if it’s being a carer on holiday?

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My mother is quite wealthy and is 89. She’s in pretty good health on the whole but she’s got mobility and cognition (not dementia but age related decline) issues. Her financial adviser has recommended that to avoid 40% inheritance tax on her assets as much as possible, she should gift £6k a year (the limits to avoid the 7 year inheritance tax rule is £3k plus another £3k if it’s interest earned on investment and you can prove you don’t need it to live on). She has excellent pensions which give her an income far in excess of what she needs or wants to spend, 4 children and numerous grandchildren. So she could give away £6k a year no problem.

Instead of giving her children the money (and of course she doesn’t need to give it to us - she can give it to a charity or anywhere!) she says that she wants to use the money to pay for us to take her away on holidays. So her gift is us taking her away on holiday. Not all together but each of us taking her away in turn.

I work full time, have three kids (two with SEN) and a limited holiday allowance. AIBU in thinking this isn’t really a gift and is actually working?

For context, I do most of the day to day caring as she moved to be very close to me after my dad died 6 years ago.

She keeps badgering me about where I want to go. I do love her very much but this wouldn’t be a holiday. I don’t know how to say to her that I don’t want to take her on holiday without really hurting her feelings. I’ve suggested a series of day trips but she keeps pushing back with that not being very relaxing for me. She really has no idea that she is not at all relaxing to be with.

If anyone has any good ideas how I could say thanks but no thanks I would love to hear it. And I don’t want her money at all.

Ridiculous she could gift you the money and pay for a holiday where you accompany her as she can’t go on her own!!

I have a disabled friend and she suggested we go away, and nope that’s not a holiday for me.

Does she like Agatha Christie? If so, maybe a mini break at Burgh Island

https://www.burghisland.com/hotel/

Best way is to be honest. You need to save your scant annual leave for school holidays and any medical appointments or sickness cover for your SEN kids, so this won't work. If she's going to see her arse over it, c'est la vie.

Bloody hell! My mum is a bit clueless but not that bad!

she genuinely thinks this is an opportunity for us to have a treat on the basis she doesn’t need a lot of care.

My idea of a holiday is not having anyone else to care for.

How much care does she require, could you have time to yourself? A change of scenario is sometimes as good as a rest, I did something similar with my DM last year, her care requirements are not too bad, only mornings/evenings etc. we had a love time and managed to spend some quality time together, understand your circumstances might be different.

I guess it depends if you see it as her wanting to spend sometime together and willing to pay your share of holiday, or only paying as only way she could go away.

Could you go to a nice country/seaside hotel where you can eat on site and just all do your own thing?

how much care does she actually need?

Your mother doesn't understand the IHT advice she's been given. She needs to give cash.

If she wants to pay for a holiday that she's going on, she can do that however many times she fancies. She can start with finding a travel insurer that'll take her on...

Gosh imagine telling your 89 Yr old mum sorry am too busy to take you on holiday 🤐

Gosh imagine not being able to see situations from multiple perspectives @beeautifullif3 🙄

Jeez there’s a lot of sanctimonious posters on this thread.
OP already does a lot for her DM, works and has DCs including two with SEN.
She has also explained that this would not be a holiday for her. Yes indeed her DM is 89, good for her, it does not mean that OP automatically has to do what she wants.

I like the idea of asking her to pay for a big family holiday for everyone. Nice opportunity for her to be together with everyone and less intense on the attendees.

With children with additional needs & FT work? Not hard to imagine at all!

I’d ask why she would do that to avoid IT? Paying for you to go on holiday wouldn’t incur any tax so she could do that and hand out cash… does she not realise that she’s more than welcome to spend her money on as many holidays for as many people as she likes until the day she dies without incurring inheritance tax?

Some people are being obtuse.

I think it’s reasonable that someone with three kids, including two with additional needs, plus a full time job, plus regular caring for her mother already might not want to do any caring on something billed as a treat or holiday. It doesn’t matter how little her care needs are - it’s still care, mental load and emotional bandwidth and time that OP doesn’t want to give. She’s already doing a lot for her mother, she doesn’t need to facilitate holidays under the guise of being a treat for herself.

You need to explain to her that a holiday for you is being entirely self centred and not having to accommodate anyone else including herself!

good idea.

I think I’d go on holiday with her but explain that due to limited holiday allowance it will have to be during the school holidays and with the kids……tbh this could put her off, but if not, holidays with kids are not relaxing anyway so why not just include her?

I’d probably suggest a cruise to suit the needs of different ages.

I agree with you OP. If she’s that loaded then she can pay for a paid carer to come along with you so you all get a break.

Just say you don’t have spare holiday days, and don’t want to leave kids behind. Agree that a weekend away at a uk hotel with kids could be ok.

Either way her covering the cost of a holiday for uou to care for her is not part of the IHT limit on what she can give.

I can imagine it perfectly well and I am pretty sure lost of us on here can too.

What I can't imagine is prevailing on my children's precious , pressured time to indulge myself and make it looks like a "gift" - ha!

Well, I suppose I can imagine it, because I imagine we all lose sight of other people's perspectives once cognitive decline sets in. But I am sorry in advance if I ose the ability to imagine what it's like for my busy adult children to juggle everything

Take her to centreparks for a long weekend with the kids! Or make it butlins and she’ll give you the cash next year

Completely correct.

Cash given is what IHT looks at.

Not who pays for a holiday!! She has completely misunderstood the advice given.

Quite..i don't think there's anywhere on the tax return to declare "I went on holiday somewhere nice with my dm and helped witth her luggage/ passport/tickets/google maps/support stockings/bedroom blinds/getting a seat on the metro/fetching her coffee while she sat in the shade" as income!

Do something in this country you and her for a couple of nights. Filey as someone mentioned is nice but hilly. What about a spa weekend? Harrogate is nice. Not too far from Filey for a day trip 😅. Couple of nights in a hotel, some nice restaurants, etc. Or a lodge with hot tub somewhere if you are taking the kids. If you suggest something a bit luxurious in this country as opposed to abroad? Pitch it as having limited leave and this is the best way to make the most of time together. Still treating yourselves but cutting down on the travel. Less travel and headache but still feels a bit like a holiday.

Sort of beside the point, but she can also give regular gifts out of income that are completely outside the 7 year IHT rule and the gift limit. My parents give me and my sibling £1500 a month each from my dad’s pension and because they can demonstrate that it does not affect their standard of living, it’s tax free and IHT exempt despite being well over £6k a year. The key is that she has to be able to show that she can meet her living expenses from her income as well as giving the money away, but she can then spend her savings on luxuries/occasional spends (holidays, house maintenance, etc.)

Anyway, you’re not unreasonable to say that you can’t take her away on holiday - you don’t have time off to spare. I’d focus on the practicalities of getting away given annual leave, childcare, etc. rather than it not being a relaxing holiday as, from what you’ve said, she just isn’t going to want to hear that.

Oh a cruise. Excellent idea.