AIBU to think that a gift isn’t really a gift if it’s being a carer on holiday?

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My mother is quite wealthy and is 89. She’s in pretty good health on the whole but she’s got mobility and cognition (not dementia but age related decline) issues. Her financial adviser has recommended that to avoid 40% inheritance tax on her assets as much as possible, she should gift £6k a year (the limits to avoid the 7 year inheritance tax rule is £3k plus another £3k if it’s interest earned on investment and you can prove you don’t need it to live on). She has excellent pensions which give her an income far in excess of what she needs or wants to spend, 4 children and numerous grandchildren. So she could give away £6k a year no problem.

Instead of giving her children the money (and of course she doesn’t need to give it to us - she can give it to a charity or anywhere!) she says that she wants to use the money to pay for us to take her away on holidays. So her gift is us taking her away on holiday. Not all together but each of us taking her away in turn.

I work full time, have three kids (two with SEN) and a limited holiday allowance. AIBU in thinking this isn’t really a gift and is actually working?

For context, I do most of the day to day caring as she moved to be very close to me after my dad died 6 years ago.

She keeps badgering me about where I want to go. I do love her very much but this wouldn’t be a holiday. I don’t know how to say to her that I don’t want to take her on holiday without really hurting her feelings. I’ve suggested a series of day trips but she keeps pushing back with that not being very relaxing for me. She really has no idea that she is not at all relaxing to be with.

If anyone has any good ideas how I could say thanks but no thanks I would love to hear it. And I don’t want her money at all.

I’d handle it another way, an all inclusive, say IKOS, go as a whole family including siblings. You share the load (of her) and get a break. Plus the food, classes, amenities are fab.

Centreparks, villa, all inclusive posh hotels, Ireland
Ferry over to Normandy, isle of Wight, Channel islands etc. Jersey is nice
If she pays for your partner and kids or a group of you and siblings family to go it'll lessen the burden and you might actually be able to relax somewhat.

Otherwise maybe just ride it out and say work is too hard right now, sibling would love to go with you, if you ever needed a gift of her money it would be a new car for you all to have room in for days out or something practical for her. Or even what about she pays a family subscription to the local David Lloyd? Swimming pool for you all, lessons for the kids, soft play, tonnes of childcare while you work out and kids clubs. Lots of social events for her to go to and lovely coffee.. I actually think that would buy you more relaxing time outside of caring for her. Xx

I think you need to insist on bringing paid help with you - even if you phrase it to her as being just for your kids.

Would a short cruise be a good solution to make it easier for her to get around?

Sympathy - it’s obviously coming from a good place from her, but it’s not a gift if you’re expected to “work” for it. Or aren’t allowed to say no!

There’s some very swanky expensive hotels in Scotland ( think Traitors castle). Could you go and stay somewhere like that for a long weekend? Sell it to her that since watching Traitors you’ve had a burning desire to stay in a nice hotel in Scotland. Depending where you live, you could even fly there.

Sorry mum but I have 2 SEN children & dont get much hoilday allowance, it wouldn’t be much of a gift but I would love to do day trips with you.

yanbu at all. Sounds like hell.

My Dsis was treated to this break as a suprise by her DH.
It was a huge hit...quite expensive but it was massive brownie points for her dh.

Sorry but I don’t think her DM is coming from a good place at all.

She clearly has a huge estate otherwise there would be no point in discussing IHT prevention and instead of being pleased that she has the opportunity to offer her DCs some money - particularly OP who provides her with support - she uses it instead to her own advantage to try to manipulate her into taking DM on a holiday that she chooses, using up precious annual leave that is needed for her own DGC.

If you don't like your mum and can't get anyone to look after the kids then the answer is different, but personally as someone who works FT with two kids (one SEN) I went away with my mum for a short break every year for the last few years of her life. Yes, it was a holiday more focused around my DM's mobility limitations, especially in the final couple of years before she died, but we got on well and had some nice quality time together.

It absolutely does in our policy, as you’ve stated, it’s not a holiday for her. Our policy was set up by employees who are carers to recognise and better support people with caring responsibilities - this is exactly the sort of dilemma carers face every day and usually have to make a personal sacrifice to support.

It would be up to the employee and their manager to decide how best to use the caring days and if she preferred to use them all to support her SEN kids then of course that’s her choice.

Why not suggest a holiday with her and your siblings all together - hire a big villa with a pool. That way you can all share the responsibility for your Mum. Your mum is probably hoping to a)get chance to go away herself and b)for you all to make memories together, including your children so hopefully this would be a compromise between what she would like and still making it a holiday for you

Yes unreasonable we pay for a carer to accompany a relative it's c£300 per day plus their accommodation, flights and food on a very nice holiday!

Your sibling should be stepping up here. If you do a lot of the daily stuff you could suggest that it’s fair that a DB or DS take her on this holiday. That would give you some respite while they are away.

Yes this. Youre caring for your mum anyway so why not do it somewhere nice. I dont get the angst at all really. Shes offering to pay for your family holiday right? A holiday isn't going to be relaxing for you anyway with kids involved. Why not choose somewhere lovely and let her treat you?

I hear you OP! My dad is only 78 but old for his years. Although he lives perfectly well on his own (does his own shopping, cooking, washing, etc) as soon as he is around me and my DB he becomes completely helpless! We took him away for his 75th birthday. In the UK. Only 4 nights. And he just sat there like a king expecting to be waited on. While his sister and her DH (also in their 70s) pitched in with emptying bins, washing up, etc., he just sat there. He wouldn’t even make his own coffee. Me and my DB running round after our respective DC who were between 8-13, and he would stand in the kitchen saying “are you going to make me a coffee??!” Or “can you get me a tissue?”

He has proposed taking us all away and paying for flights and accommodation etc., but he won’t pay for everything and it will be hard work for me and my DB. He will want waiting on throughout the day. He won’t fetch himself a drink or put a plate in the dishwasher. He will need shepherding at all times and will adopt helplessness (you wouldn’t think that back home he travels independently, meets friends in other cities, goes to gigs…). It won’t be a holiday for us. I will need to use my annual leave. He will pay for some things but not all, so it would still cost a lot of money. I’m on UC so have to be very careful with money.

I think he thinks this would be him doing us a lovely favour, but it won’t be. When we took him away before my DB, who is usually very patient and good natured, flipped his lid by the end and shouted at him to get his own bloody breakfast!!!

So yeah, I’m putting off the same conversation as you. I kind of want to do it so he has a nice memory, but I think the thing which deters me most is that he will then expect a lot of gratitude and will keep on and on about how he’s taken us on holiday. The truth is he might have paid for the bulk of the holiday, but essentially we will have been unpaid carers for him. Carers who then need to be eternally grateful for the privilege! So yeah…. What to do?!

Tell her you can only go in August and kids/husband need to come

annual leave is precious when you work and hsbe school age kids

I think you're my new hero...

Yep. This. You can't explain that she is just more work, much as you love her.

Also, you can tell her you need to save your annual leave from work to spend time with your children. That you already don't see enough of them.

I totally agree I’ve done this as a carer for an elderly man another carer came too. It was hell at the airport ! Hotel food was good but he moaned about everything. We booked trips changed his mind on the day. Was stressful
using wheelchair daytime. We did everything to try and please him hiring a car on day we picked it up he didn’t want to go. Never again so very stressful. This was without children so unless anyone has done this holidaying with elderly don’t judge the poster

How will you feel in a few years when she is no longer there and you couldn’t face spending time with her? She is your mother

"Sorry mum but the precious time I get off I want to spend with my kids. Please take us to an-inclusive for the whole family, including you."

Have you even read the op and the op's other posts? Don't try and guilt trip her. That's shitty behaviour.

The OP already does a lot for her mum and spends a lot of time with her which can't be easy when she works FT and has SEN DC.

YANBU OP, especially as you say you went recently with her and it was a nightmare. My DM asked me to go abroad with her and my DF last year and I was honest and said it would be incredibly stressful and I wouldn’t be doing it. My DF has dementia and is housebound. I’d go with just my DM at that point as she is mobile, but definitely wouldn’t judge others for not being up for it.

@itsthetea

By any chance you a mother that feels your adult children don’t give you enough attention?

If you can manage a long weekend then suggest to her that you go to Burgh Island. It will cost £3k for you both (or more potentially) and is a lovely place for a luxury short break in the UK.

She spends loads of time with her already. She is the main carer of all the siblings.