Helping MIL but not in the way that’s clearly expected

[Enablinglocationiseasier]

MIL in poor health

SIL her regular help with medical stuff appts , shopping, lifts and household. SIL having OP so told us we need to ‘step up’.

We’ve arranged online shops , Ubers for appts and a cleaner . MIL got upset as couldn’t work out the app so we showed her. Apparently we are unkind and should just drive her ourselves.
We are paying for everything.

She also hates having a stranger in the house so is complaining about the cleaner.

AIBU to think she needs to just accept the help it may not be how she wants it but it meets all the needs she has expressed having ?

62?! I thought she was going to be in her 80s. I'm 62 and use apps all the time. I'm sorry she has health problems but I would find it unusual that 62 year olds can't deal with this.

So MIL who was rude and even miserable on OPs wedding, and makes nasty comments about her dgc……..

but it OP who is uncaring???? Nope! Anyone defending MIL after reading the above comment needs to think about their own behavior and be nice to their sons and daughters in law.

But that doesn’t stop her from getting help @flirtygirl

It is possible to get cleaners and gardeners in. Those jobs do not have to be done by the op.

Likewise why can’t she use Uber and hospital transport help?

Im not sure i agree. If sil doesnt work (is that because she has a husband bringing in a wage?), then she clearly has time to do things for her mum, and to me it does sound unhealthy, like codependency. Its unreasonable to expect a dad with kids who has to keep his job and works some weekends to do just as much as sil. Far better to encourage mil to be more independent, join her own anxiety support groups or clubs etc, especially as shes only 62. Whats she going to be like as she ages if thats the situation now? Having someone doing everything for you, unless you are genuinely truly unable,, must make for a very unsatisfying life and puts an unnecessary burden on others. I dont believe that parents should expect their children to be their carers (may be biased as looking after a 79 yr old and 89 yr old)

You make a very sensible and compassionate point and having written my comment above it sounds a bit unkind. I just should be grateful I am so capable at 62.

I am shocked so many don't seem to get this.

"help with medical stuff appts , shopping, lifts and household."

Your definition of "expected to be served like a Queen", very much differs to mine. The OP stated some very basic needs, not wants, and certainly not what I would think of someone "expecting to be served like a Queen", how very dramatic of you. But these threads always weed out the 'kind and caring' from the 'unkind and couldn't give a fuck' about people.

Nor are meeting these basic needs in any way meaning the OP's DH would be "abandoning his own family", talk about reaching.

Another excellent idea, along with TheWonderhorse's one about a private carer to take her shopping and perhaps the social prescribing which I've not been alone in suggesting

Only thing is, from all that OP's said, I'd lay good money that they'll all be rejected because they don't involve the actual family leaping to each new demand

I just think the MIL has got dependent on SILs help. At 62 she should be able to use an app for online shopping.
Saying she doesn’t like strangers in her house. She doesn’t get to make that decision.

We don't have enough information. The MIL could be severely disabled, and the fact that disability benefits are being paid does suggest that, but the tone of OP's post didn't. There are people who find life overwhelming and effectively drop out. It would be better if they could be helped to get back to work and independence, but we all know mental health services and support for people with chronic health conditions is abysmal in this country.

Not just abandoning his family, but his young children AND his job too, apparently. That’s what’s being ‘demanded’. That pp is prone to hyperbole, from what I can see!

62! Good grief she should be able to cope with online shopping, and to book a taxi for herself. Local library or adult education will help her with getting online. It sounds like she wants to be incapable.
My mum is 92, totally independent despite her physical challenges, orders her clothes etc via catalogue, arranges and pays for her own carer, cleaner, gardener and window cleaner, makes her own shopping list which I do book online for her, and often takes herself to her hospital or doctor appointment and books her own taxi. She would prefer not to have carers but she knows it's not fair to expect me to do it all. I am always there when she needs help and found all the people coming to help her but she has taken over the organisation now. My mum wants to spend time with me doing the nice stuff like crafts, lunches and trips out. I do lots of practical things too but leave the brunt of it to the carers.
Also my husband sorts out his own mum, I suggest your husband does the same.

Before my DM died my sisters did for her a lot of the things you describe your SIL doing. Me to a lesser extent because I lived two hours drive away and worked full time, so my help was limited to what I could do on weekend visits.

One of my sister's worked FT but lived only 10 minutes away and went in most days to help DM shower, do her laundry and generally check on her. The other sister worked part-time but lived 45 minutes away. She went weekly to take her shopping, do any admin, jobs around the house and also took her to appointments.

This continued for several years until DM's death, at which time my sisters were aged 62 and 64!

I am not being dramatic, I am just looking at examples.

Apparently we are unkind and should just drive her ourselves.

And take cleaning, that MIL could sort out herself but doesn't want to, so son and DIL step in, organise and pay for, but it's still not good enough. I didn't read that son and DIL prevented her to organise it herself if she wanted to?

Helping out A LOT, organising her shopping, cleaning, transport etc.. how do you translate that by "'unkind and couldn't give a fuck' about people exactly?

You might be faced with people who "don't give a fuck" one day, you are in for a very big shock 😂

well if you don't go to work, don't stay with your wife and don't look after your own young children because you are driving away to hold your mum's hand who refuse to do anything or accept any help but expect you to drop everything and do it for her,

I think abandoning your family does cover it quite accurately

where has it been suggested he stop going to work, stop staying with his wife and stop looking after his children completely?

it’s perfectly possible to live with one’s spouse and children, actively parent those children, hold down a job and provide support to a parent who lives a mere 30 minutes away.

@katseyes7 It sounds stupid, but I think we had the same mum. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Exactly
I know at least 3 people like this.
Selfish, demanding and nasty.
And then they wonder why they have no friends?
op had me on ‘mil doesn’t want strangers cleaning her house’ It’s a very familiar phrase.
mil’s wants don't trump op’s job, children and other commitments.

When a person is really ill or disabled it creates a natural dependency. It's not a choice. We don't know the specifics of the MIL's health but anxiety and other illnesses can make it next to impossible to learn new skills. Even basic ones. It's like people are assuming the MIL is able to learn due to her age.

It is absolutely the MIL's decision who she allows in her home. It may be related to her anxiety, which, again, is not a choice. If the MIL has a full time carer and is in receipt of medical benefits, she clearly needs a lot of help. People can be in their teens, twenties, and thirties and need a lot of support due to ill health. It's a terrible assumption to make that the MIL should be capable of things when none of us live in her body. The OP hasn't denied she needs help.

This makes me appreciate even more the fact my DH & I supported both sets of parents as if they were our own. He was there for mine & I was there for his. We were both there for them all if & when it was required. Our siblings also contributed before it became too much to cope with along with our own albeit older children & work. It was then we involved social services & for my parents eventually an excellent care home. DH parents managed to stay at home until hospitalised at the end.

This too 🤔 although understandable when there are serious health issues. I still added YANBU given the full picture of what's happening.

If this was about the long term plan to share support of your MiL between your H and his sister, then no I think its reasonable for you to help in a way that's easiest for you.
However, it sounds like SiL usually carries this burden alone, and is asking her brother to temporarily cover for her while she recovers from surgery? If so, I don't think it's much to ask to keep to the usual arrangements rather than upset MiL with a temporary change.
SIL will no doubt be hearing all MiLs worries about the new set up, which is a shame when she's got her own health issues. It would be nice if her brother could take the load off as asked if he's going to be free of the burden again when she's better.

I was expecting her to be in her 80s. I'm 66 and have MS, granted I have a partner but still crack on with everything

Well said. I'm in this age group & exactly the same 🙌

If you simply have no time to help because of work and children then perhaps YANBU, but if you think that online shops and ordering Ubers for appointments is equivalent help then YABU. It's not the same at all. All the reassurance and support your MIL would get from having that help from her loved ones cannot be replicated by delegating it out to companies. Social time and the attention of loved ones is a big plus.
Are you sure you can't find a few hours a week, between you and your DH, to help her out in person?