Helping MIL but not in the way that’s clearly expected

[Enablinglocationiseasier]

MIL in poor health

SIL her regular help with medical stuff appts , shopping, lifts and household. SIL having OP so told us we need to ‘step up’.

We’ve arranged online shops , Ubers for appts and a cleaner . MIL got upset as couldn’t work out the app so we showed her. Apparently we are unkind and should just drive her ourselves.
We are paying for everything.

She also hates having a stranger in the house so is complaining about the cleaner.

AIBU to think she needs to just accept the help it may not be how she wants it but it meets all the needs she has expressed having ?

@Enablinglocationiseasier I am a couple of years older then your MIL and have the stress of elderly parents who have very much alienated and isolated themselves over the years because they felt superior to everyone else. My own adult children are busy and no way would I expect them to be my emotional crutch - ever. I have been making moves over the past years to ensure I have an interesting and busy retirement-albeit totally over taken at times by the expectation that I drop everything move back to my parents area to ‘support them’. I haven’t and I have been ill due to the stress of navigating their life choices.

you are not responsible for her happiness. As for the posters saying she probably wants emotional support from family, family dynamics are complex. My parents never gave me any emotional support. It was do it their way or they stopped speaking to me. Tread very carefully thinking that being there in person will ‘make her happy’. In my experience some people are pre disposed to be miserable and needy. The way I see things with my own elderly mother is as soon as you solve one problem she moves the manipulative goalposts.

Goodness me. Your MIL is only one year older than l am. This is more like my almost 84-year-old mother. I have some health issues,, as do most of us but we just get on with things. I know some of you here are talking about "older people" and I understand that at 60+ this is the older category but we are mostly not the feeble elderly ladies sitting in a rocking chair hunched over our knitting that some of you seem to think we are. Many of us are still working either part-time or full-time or looking after grandchildren. We take care of our appearance and try to keep up with the times. It would appear, @Enablinglocationiseasier that your MIL, aided by her daughter, has made herself old before her time. You are being very generous in paying for help for her and it will be good for her to have to do more than she has been doing. On the other hand, l am sure she would love to see you all at the weekend.

Oh my OP I thought you were going to say she was in her nineties, not a couple of years older than me.

I think you are totally right in what you’ve done. She’s not helpless and absolutely can work those apps, she’s just choosing not to.

She could be with you for another twenty to thirty years. You are absolutely right to help her but to help her maintain her own independence.

Do your DH and DSIL have LPOA on your MIL and is it jointly and severally?

And then they wonder why they have no friends?

Having watched it happen to my late, ExMIL that really resonated with me, @Roselily123

I'd have wished this on precisely nobody, but her determination to have her own way in all things and the sheer spite she flung around when it didn't happen drove even friends away - especially when they realised the vicious things she said about ExH and I (who'd already done so much) may well soon be said about them too

I'll admit to some surprise that even once-dear friends were nowhere to be seen as she died, but could understand their choices

I think if SIL is the actual carer and receiving carer's allowance then everything that she does for your MIL is appropriate and what you would expect in that situation.

Your initial post came across as a bit uncaring, Ubers aren't actually any good if the patient needs accompanying to appointments. But your drip feed updates have explained some of the backstory.

I think this is a DH issue to sort out with his sister, he needs to clarify exactly what support his mum needs while his sister is out of action and what he can realistically cover and what needs to covered by outside agencies.

And, edited to say, for what it's worth, she is younger than me. I have only just recently downloaded the Uber app to be fair. I was stuck in a strange city, need to get to the main station and the buses were on strike and I didn't want to walk on my own, in the rain, with luggage. Obvious solution was Uber. It took seconds to work out. I feel she is putting up objections because she has got comfortable having SIL as a carer and is being a bit unreasonable if she is expecting the same level of support from other family members.

Learned helplessness. The more you do for her, the less she will do for herself and the less she will, in the long run, be able to do for herself.

The SIL gets carers allowance so assume MIL isn’t just being lazy.

Might be nice for DH to pop in and see her a bit more regularly especially whilst SIL is out of action, it’s not like you live miles away

Well @Enablinglocationiseasier you have asked for opinions so here is my pennyworth.
You have covered basic care efficiently. Boxes ticked.

Could you maybe now go a little more personal and provide a thoughtful treat?
Send a regular bouquet the week before you go for your monthly visit. MIL will have something to enjoy and a little conversation piece when you get there.
Is there maybe a nice restaurant/museum/garden you can go to for those visits? Something to look forward to and have chats about after?
Does MIL enjoy theatre or ballet or choral shows? No having to force conversation and she could have lovely memories.
Perhaps you or dh make an amazing cheesecake/carrot cake/walnut loaf <insesrt own speciality> and could gift this for MIL to be thrilled over.

I might be old fashioned, but I do treat people how I would like to be treated.

My mil was the exact same, she had us doing everything for her for a decade. She passed away and her daughter had a cheek to say I did nothing.

Let dh deal with it, don’t get involved unless you want it all chucked back in your face one day. Wish I had.

MIL can’t expect things to be the same, when the person who normally looks after her, ie her daughter, doesn’t normally have other significant commitments. You and DH do have other commitments, so the care is going to look very different. She really needs to accept that. If she was in her eighties, my opinion would be different and I would be more inclined to stretch to a compromise. I think, at 62 (which is only 3 years older than me) I would expect a bit more in the way of resilience, accepting what is offered and remembering that it is a temporary arrangement. Also, this might sound a bit harsh, but if you seem able to provide more hands on help, you might be pressured into keeping some of that that going, even if it’s pushing you to, or even beyond, the limits of what is reasonable long term.

When you've got kids and both work full time, I think the arrangements you've made are sensible but this last message is really cold. You really can't make a bit more effort under the circumstances? And why isn't it fair to disrupt the kids' schedule? They're kids, they should be taught about priorities and that they can't have everything they want. This is really your husband's problem to solve but if my partner didn't lift a finger to help his own mum under these circumstances, I'd find that very unattractive.

When Tesco make a home delivery to us /retired / disabled they always make sure that groceries are put away and that chilled/ frozen items are put in the fridge/freezer
maybe worth asking if the service is available where they live

Why should she make more effort ? Our children owe us nothing and their partners even less

@itsthetea I make effort for my neighbours/friends when they need help never mind my parents

62? Well she’s got another 6 years til pension age. I thought she was going to be at least in her 80’s. Maybe a period of self-caring will be helpful.

@2catsandhappy old fashioned? Please tell me you have direct experience of being in a family with a difficult parent and did the bouquet help with conversation. Did the choral event cheer them up? Honestly I ran myself ragged taking my elderly parents for endless lunches and inviting them to join a hobby I really enjoyed before they deteriorated into old old age. Nothing ever pleased them.

Jeeze. I've not read any further than this, but FFS, listen to yourself. If MIL needs a registered carer, then clearly she has a lot more issues than the average 62 year old. And the best your DH and you are prepared to do is visit her once a month, and leave SIL to do everything else? And while SIL is ill, you're still not prepared to do anything other than outsource the problem?

Your assuming that MIL, with no previous experience of them, and anxiety issues, will differently negotiate apps? She's only half an hour away and you/he can't take her supermarket shopping one a week?

Your poor SIL. And your poor MIL, recognising that her son simply can't be arsed with helping her, even temporarily.

I know it's a bit off topic, but potentially all those health issues could be Menopause related and respond well to HRT. When did she start with it all??

Yes, and a huge number of people are doing so. OP and her DH aren't prepared to make even the slightest adjustment to their lives, very temporarily, to help SIL out.

£83 a week is what SIL has been 'earning' in taking 100% responsibility for caring for get mother. That doesn't justify MIL's son and DIL doing fuck all.

Just re-posting something OP wrote earlier...
MIL mentioning OPs "dominant genes" ?
NOBODY else noticed this?

@Enablinglocationiseasier You've done enough.
If SIL is her carer, she could have organised a cleaner, shopping and taxi service herself well before her surgery so MIL could get used to it.

Some posters on here are beyond ridiculous, or possibly retired and have no idea what being BUSY means.

Most parents barely manage, between work and childcare and life in general - no one is complaining, but most parents don't even have a regular child-free evening off, let alone a regular weekend off.

People don't have any time for themselves, and yet people expect them to somehow drop everything, magic a free day a week to hold the hand of someone so demanding they are not happy with any reasonable help already offered?
Give me strength.

Once a month is already very generous. I would be absolutely mortified if my grand-kids were made to cancel their plans with their little friends and their activities, chuck in the car, to take me to Tesco

Having family spending time with you is lovely, but not at the detriment of their own time.

She’s ten years younger than me so I find it very sad that she needs such a high level of support. Obviously we don’t know what her health issues really are. For me everything that’s been arranged as a temporary fix is fine apart from the appointments. An Uber or taxi will drop her outside the door, it won’t get her to the right clinic or support or advocate for her, it’s clearly not the answer. Her son should take some time off from his big, important job to support her until her carer can take over again.

I did notice and couldn’t work out if OP is a different ethnicity to her DH/MIL and that is why the MIL was “disappointed” they are together/slagging off the appearance of her own grandchildren. Or whether she was just being rude generally about OP’s looks.

Neither is great, but if it is racism I’m not sure why they even bother to see her once a month.

They're are two of them. Finding a couple of hours to drive there and back and do the shopping, is not 'giving up a whole weekend'

Single parents have to manage their children alone. For a few weeks, OP can hold the fort for a couple of hours now and again.

That is what I took from it.