Helping MIL but not in the way that’s clearly expected

[Enablinglocationiseasier]

MIL in poor health

SIL her regular help with medical stuff appts , shopping, lifts and household. SIL having OP so told us we need to ‘step up’.

We’ve arranged online shops , Ubers for appts and a cleaner . MIL got upset as couldn’t work out the app so we showed her. Apparently we are unkind and should just drive her ourselves.
We are paying for everything.

She also hates having a stranger in the house so is complaining about the cleaner.

AIBU to think she needs to just accept the help it may not be how she wants it but it meets all the needs she has expressed having ?

Yes she gets carers allowance and MIL gets some kind of medical benefits

Seriously, health issues? I've read all OPs posts and all I've gleaned is bad back (whatever that means), anxiety (whatever that means), and autoimmune conditions.

So yes, based on that alone, it's perfectly reasonable for us to say 'what on earth is going in here? This woman should not be leading a life like that at only 62'.

It's not a crime or a moral failing but it is very short-sighted not to embrace technology because it is going to make your life much, much more difficult if you refuse to have a smartphone or do anything online. I know a woman a few years older than the OP's MIL who retired early to avoid having anything to do with computers at work. She is just about managing at the moment to find workarounds but so many things she needs to do would be far quicker and easier if she would just bring herself to do them online. Banking is a problem for her as the local branch is now shut.

The NHS could save a small fortune in the longer term if it had decent IT and its patients could all use it or be supported to use it. Eventually it will be almost impossible to make an appointment any other way than online.

Oh I think they are. Helpful I mean. Because otherwise Op will be browbeaten by mnetters determined that a 62 year old woman should be treated like a toddler.

I have worked with learning disabled people who can do more for themselves than this woman. An autoimmune disorder and anxiety are not excuses for letting her moulder in learned helplessness.

Kids are not responsible to create a social life for their mother. If she's lonely, it's on her to create her circle of friends.

The same way SHE wouldn't be responsible for sorting her adult son's social life if he was lonely or bored.

DC can't be disrupted from their activities
why should they? Kids have clubs, competitions, why should they have to give it up because an adult is being needy? Completely ridiculous.

the OP's solutions are technocratic and managerial they are reasonable and realistic solutions. If they are not suitable, MIL is perfectly able to find her own solutions.

A child has to put up with whatever is being given to him. MIL is a grown adult, she doesn't NEED her children, she can sort her life out herself. They still offer help - when really they shouldn't even need to - and it's not good enough.

They're not stopping her or preventing her to arrange alternative solutions, are they? There's nothing technocratic and managerial, who put the DIL in charge here? no one 😂She's just OFFERING a lot of help, a lot more than they have to.

If going beyond what is reasonable is nasty to you, you must be an absolute nightmare for your own children in law!

Why should OP show compassion for someone who has never treated her kindly or with respect? Actions have consequences. MIL is getting some practical help but it doesn't meet her exacting requirements.

MIL's ailments sound pretty vague e.g. a bad back and she may just be one of those people that embrace old age twenty years earlier than most people do and refuses to do anything for herself.

Your priority should be your CHILDREN anyway. You are doing your job and putting your children first. On top of that, you are helping your MIL a lot, more than the minimum, it's already generous.

It would be mean to abandon her, but you are not. You are not stopping her from arranging anything she wants, but you are offering solutions if she's not doing things herself as she should You are doing more than enough.

You’re generalising way too much and, yes, you’re being very harsh. And you’re the unreasonable one to be questioning the OP.

My disabilities started as simple bad back, but this led to arthritis in multiple areas, failed surgery, nerve damage in my legs, a dropped foot and Fibromyalgia, just to list a few of the issues.

And my mother died at age 62, no weight or health issues.

There’s no need to be so off.

People can be seriously ill at any age!

People are mad. She's not getting care because she's old, she's getting care because she's ill. Is that difficult to understand? I'm bewildered at some of the responses.

Now, if MIL struggles with anxiety then receiving such little contact with the outside world will absolutely set her back. If she is anxious about relying on Uber to get her to a hospital (which lets be honest, does nothing for navigating the place once she get there, or moral support for whatever treatment she's having either) and being stuck at home the rest of the time then she's going to get worse pretty quickly.

To the people saying "I have an autoimmune condition and I manage", surely you're aware that some conditions can be debilitating. Surely you know that.

My basic point is that the care being offered isn't really what's required for her. Could someone arrange for a private career to take her to the shops? Just someone nearby with DBS check and a bit of time is all your MIL needs. She must be feeling very isolated at the moment.

OP has never suggested she didn't need the care her sister offered, so why have so many people been so quick to reassess a stranger's care need based on her age alone.

YADNBU.

for context, I'm 61 and was widowed last year (unexpectedly)
I was discharged from hospital yesterday for the second time already this year, with a chest drain in and will be admitted yet again for what is deemed urgent surgery shortly. I am truly incapacitated right now and joy of joys now have to admit I have some long standing MH issues I can't pretend aren't happening any more and need to face up to. It is what it is.
I would describe myself as independent and not the kind who likes to ask for help from others. Good health usually. I won't be able to drive for a fair bit until after this chest drain has been removed/I've recovered from the next surgery. Very frustrating.

I'd be very happy if someone had set up a taxi app for me and shopping to be delivered to the house. That's 2 of the biggest things sorted. A cleaner would be the icing on the cake.
i think your MIL has been pandered to for a long time and is tantrumming that she doesn't have a substitute whilst her daughter is out of action and instead has to step up and adult rather than someone else do it all for her. She'd assumed wrongly one of you two would take over as her companion/helper. My MIL was like this when my FIL was in hospital and expected my DH/her son (only child) to spend the whole of a weekend day with her driving her around, taking her shopping etc (she refused to give us a list so we could get it for her and take it round). I put my foot down as we had very young DC at the time who he hardly got to see in the week and won that battle but she was always the same. She refused to drive although she could, complaining about her "nerves" I found it so frustrating. Physically there was nothing wrong with her, it was my FIL who had all the health issues, yet she had him running round after her, holding his arm rather than use a walking aid...
you've covered all bases, personally I think she's the unreasonable one here. I'm astonished she feels she needs this much help in her early 60's, this is more the level of support I was giving my parents in their late 80s early 90's.

SIL can decide for herself how much she wants to do. She just doesn’t get to decide how much the other people want to do. OP and her husband have young children and the MIL is in her early 60s. This could go on for years. Perhaps the MIL has grown dependent on the help the SIL gave her. I have absolutely no intention of letting my adult children look after me. I want them to have a nice life and spend their free time with their own children.

the cheek 😂

expecting someone with a normally busy family life to drop everything and come clean your house, for free, because you refuse to do it, refuse to arrange for someone else to do , and refuse to accept the professional cleaner they are paying for?

Having a very big opinion of yourself and wanting to feel like you can order people around, have you?😂

and that's just ONE example of what the OP described.

Jesus! I’m 62 and I’m offering support to my kids, not the other way around!! I live my life like most 42 years olds and do NOT need help in mastering a bloody shopping app, ffs. Lots of ageism on this thread.

OP's MIL has never shown her any kindness or respect since the day she met her so why should she bend over backwards now?

Technocratic and managerial solutions are fine as a temporary solution. OP and her husband are in a completely different situation to SIL and her partner. SIL is MIL's official carer so I presume that she receives Carer's Allowance. OP and her husband work full time and have children to look after.

Nah…you’re fine with what you’ve set up. If it’s not good enough then SIL or MIL needs to figure something else out.

I can’t imagine the SIL will be out of the picture for very long maybe 3 months at the longest. Your MIL will cope.

Have you investigated “ befriending “ services nearby to where she is
Age U.K are very helpful and can find the resources available near her home !

YABU

Your DH should be stepping up. Your MIL understandably doesn't like strangers in her house (I wouldn't either), you live locally, there's no excuse to not step up for this short-term period during SIL's recovery.

Throwing money at the problem it, whilst helpful in some regards, clearly isn't the solution in your MIL's best interests. Poor woman, must feel really abandoned by her own son.

You are doing the right thing in the circumstances as far as I can see. She is not friendly to you but you are making sure the heavy workload of shopping, getting to appointments, cleaning etc are met. If she had been better towards you and DH from the beginning it would probably be different. Personally I think whatever you did wouldn't be right for all the family under any circumstances Tell them to wind their necks in as you are both doing your best and working.

I am 49 and severely disabled.

op, it’s good that you have sorted out a cleaner.

the shopping could be problematic in terms of putting it away, depending on mobility issues. I get mine delivered mostly although I do wheelchair to the local shop for some bits. Not all the places that say they will deliver to the kitchen actually do - you are very much dependent on the bloke at the time doing it and some won’t.

the uber app can also be very problematic if you have mobility issues. You can order Ubers that will take folded down wheelchairs but you have to fold it yourself and lift it in. Actual Ubers that are wheelchair taxis are few and far between. Round by me there are three physical wheelchair taxis and you need to get your booking in early - I tried to book something once to be told they were busy every evening for the next five weeks!

so - cleaner sounds great. Food delivery generally good. Taxi app for medical appointments probably doesn’t meet need to use an educational phrase.

who should abandon his own family, his young children and his job because his demanding mummy is expecting to be served like a Queen? 😂

There are too many examples where men should really step up properly, but this is not one.

My basic point is that the care being offered isn't really what's required for her

Not so. The care on offer isn't being delivered in the way she'd like it to be. But this is a less than ideal, temporary situation and we can't all have what we want all the time. Why is MIL apparently allowed to say 'I want this' and expect it to be magically done? It's beating women - in this case OP - with the 'be kind' stick again.

I have literally suggested in my post that someone looks into getting her a local carer with a car to take her shopping so that yet health doesn't deteriorate. It's quite likely to if she has only monthly contact with familiar people for months.

I haven't beaten OP with anything. Where on earth did you get that from?

FFS she is 62 not bloody 82! I am 62 and absolutely ok with using apps and will be running my first marathon in September so can some of you MNetters quit with all the bloody ageism!

I take my MIL for hospital appointments occasionally but she is 87 and can get very occasionally get overwhelmed by it all. She can navigate her patient portal, her Tesco delivery, county library app and play bridge online. etc Your 62 year old MIL @Enablinglocationiseasier is having a bloody laugh.

Do not give in or you could be in for years of this. The danger is she will become more and more entitled with learned helplessness.

Really sad thread.
Shows how ableist so many are.

The op clearly states that mil has a few auto immune conditions not just bad back and anxiety which may be very severe (on top of auto immune conditions) but people love to downgrade this. Auto immune conditions can be very serious, painful and tiring and she has a few.

Just because someone else can do it doesn't mean everyone can, this is why the sick and disabled are so villified in this country.

The op' mother in law could be 42 or 52 or 62, it makes no difference if she can't do it because of various illnesses and disabilities.

But carry on doing all that you can do as mentioned throughout this thread, with the statement I'm 62/64/69 and I....
Thats great for you but no reason to look down on those who cannot do these things for various reasons.