Helping MIL but not in the way that’s clearly expected

[Enablinglocationiseasier]

MIL in poor health

SIL her regular help with medical stuff appts , shopping, lifts and household. SIL having OP so told us we need to ‘step up’.

We’ve arranged online shops , Ubers for appts and a cleaner . MIL got upset as couldn’t work out the app so we showed her. Apparently we are unkind and should just drive her ourselves.
We are paying for everything.

She also hates having a stranger in the house so is complaining about the cleaner.

AIBU to think she needs to just accept the help it may not be how she wants it but it meets all the needs she has expressed having ?

If you want to define MIL as immediate family that’s fine, but then you need a different phrase for your partner and children (I guess nuclear family). It doesn’t change my point at all.

If you’re dealing with a relative who wants more than you want to give them, you have to find ways to have boundaries and make decisions about how much you’re able/willing to do. The fact that MIL has health issues does not mean that she is the only person in the world whose opinions or desires matter, or that she should never have to compromise.

I'm going to repeat what I said on another thread recently - why do people always try to guilt trip others by saying things like this?

One day she won’t be here for you to do this for her and youl wish you spent a bit more time with her .

This is OP's MIL we're talking about, a woman who made it clear to her son that she didn't like the look of the woman he had decided to marry, if you read all of OP's posts. Why would that endear her MIL to her? But even if we were talking about OP's own parents, the fact that they need or want a lot of help and support doesn't automatically turn them into lovely people who will be badly missed when they die. Even nasty people may need carers as they get older. Lots of people have very tricky relationships with family and will be frankly relieved when some of them die.

Exactly-she is your family if you're married. If you have children, in-laws are just as much related to them as your own parents, and it sounds like SIL has done most things all this time, so why can't you two step up for once?
I know it is not easy managing children, your/your partner's own health and disabilities, and work and study, as I am in that situation too, but it sounds like for you it's only short term anyway, as your SIL is going to do everything except for a very short period.
Some older people are more techy than kids, but many aren't, so setting up apps is no help at all. Lots of older people at my GP can't use the Patchs system so are missing out on appointments they really want, and without my help, some of my relatives just wouldn't get to the GP, never mind ride-sharing apps and shopping.
On day there will be things we don't understand, and I hope people will help, rather than set up some tech we can't use.

Thank you I'm very flattered by your compliment 😁
The op has said that the woman in question has anxiety problems and some autoimmune issues, as it happens I also have those problems!

Because like most of mumsnet she hates her mother in law & money solves the problem of having to actually help the MIL in a personal way.

Well bully for you.

Are you MiL? Do you have her health issues?

Back problems?

Agreed in spades.

I think outsourcing is absolutely fine. She may be lonely and it’s for your DH to decide whether or not he will meet that need.

Aren’t you a clever little thing!

Goodness
62?
I work with people like this who work full time - who are in worse shape and some even older.
you’re not be unreasonable
mil is being a tad (very ungrateful )
I have a friend whose dm is like this older though.
she’s very attention seeking and treats my friend like a servant
same with cleaner (s) - there been a few as her dm finds fault with them.

Well I don’t hate her but it’s no secret I don’t feel comfortable around her I’ve already explained she made it clear she was disappointed DH was with me . She wasn’t very nice even on our wedding day (just stand off ish and quiet so made a bit of an atmosphere) plus comments about dc that I took badly although dh said she didn’t mean that way. Eg ‘well of course they’ll only look like you as you have very dominant genes’ so yes I’d rather throw money at the situation.

You are most welcome.
However, given the op hasn’t specified what autoimmune problems her mil has, I don’t think you can assume she has the same as you and should therefore be as capable and competent as you. There is a vast spectrum there when talking about autoimmune disorders and the impact they have on people.

The RVS provide transport and support with hospital visits. They can help you check in and I think they may wait with you too

They do indeed, @silverwrath, and they're fantastic
There's also social prescribing, accessed via the GP team, which can be invaluable in helping to build new links and meeting new people among other things

In addition to all we were already doing we tried these with my late, exMIL and sadly she threw the tantrum to end all tantrums. It wasn't enough, you see, because the wonderful helpers couldn't be emotionally manipulated in the same way

Is MIL physically fit enough to unpack and carry shopping from the door? Uber apps would overwhelm and defeat many older people. Cleaner - was MIL involved in recruiting them?

Anything else is highly insulting and uncaring in my view

All of you saying you're that age and can do apps etc, that's great. So can I and so can many of my friends and that's lovely for us. Long may it continue. There are some people who are not as physically or mentally resilient. Those comments aren't helpful here.

My parents were the same, but unfortunately circumstances change and we all have to be prepared to adapt. Most people in their 60s would not have a son or daughter available to look after them instead of holding down a job. Is SIL getting paid to be a carer? Are benefits involved to make that possible? It's an enormous sacrifice from her otherwise. No pension building up, limited rights to benefits herself.

At 62 it sounds like weaponised incompetence to me.

I’ve already explained she made it clear she was disappointed DH was with me

That was a deeply unfortunate choice on her part, @Enablinglocationiseasier, in that such things have a habit of coming back to bite

Her choice to make though, as are the consequences to accept

Yeah you can only go so far in supporting people. The help is often out there. But you have to want it. And at the very least show some appreciation when you receive it.

I'm amazed and shocked by how young some of the relatives are who have become invalids. Your MiL is 62 you say. Only 62! You say she has a bad back - so has a sizeable proportion of the population. You say she has anxiety - ditto. Autoimmune conditions - ok, they can be tricky but giving up on life, which is what I get from your post OP? Her 'help me' attitude? What's this nonsense about not being able to work an app? I'm ten years older than your MiL and I'd be really embarrassed to be saying those things.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but if you all continue enabling her in her helplessness it will only get worse and you might have another 30 years of this! Please get her anxiety sorted and her bad back: both of these (I know I'm not her dr or have her medical details) will most likely improve if she's out & about, doing stuff. We need to keep moving as we age. Obviously make sure she keeps up with whatever her Autoimmune treatments may be.

Don't let her slide into old age yet.

Most people in their 60s would not have a son or daughter available to look after them instead of holding down a job

Indeed, @Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g, and while avoiding assumptions I'm wondering what the history is behind that

Your DH seeing his mum who has ill health only one a month even when his sister needs him to step up temporarily is very poor tbh

It's very hard to be the bigger person and to disregard the judgemental way she has treated you over the years.

When you say that SIL is her carer, do you mean that she receives Carer's Allowance for looking after your MIL?

You have come up with some practical ways to help her but she won't even try to help herself. Does she not use any technology at all? Does she have a smart phone? It's very easy to order an Uber on the app if your DH can set it up for her and show her what to do.

I was going to ask about the daughter as carer and this thing of you stepping up. If she gets carers allowance she's expected to give (from memory) 37 hours a week of care. That's quite different from the help that would be expected from a fairly distanced daughter in law.

My partner is older than your MIL and also has a bad back, anxiety, autoimmune conditions (although as a previous poster said some are more impactful than others). She does need support but can also manage to work Uber. The comments about "older people" are a bit off the mark, from my experience.