Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

[Dazedandconfusec]

My elder daughter is 12 and Grade 5 piano and flute and began guitar in an afterschool club at school last year. She gave up violin when the teacher moved house but still has two violins which she occasionally gets out.

My ex has facilitated her music and has bought all of the instruments and paid for lessons but I obviously had to facilitate the lessons for flute; the piano teacher comes to the house.

My younger daughter elder daughter’s half sister, has now started piano at school. Elder daughter has locked piano as her dad has instructed that my younger children cannot use the piano or have use of the other instruments.

I mean thats very petty and poor parenting to put your elder dd in the middle. I think you need to discuss this directly with him though and reach a solution. Any triangulation where you put pressure on her or she has to lie to him would be unreasonable.

He’s putting his daughter in a terrible position asking her to lock the piano. Firstly the piano would be getting unlocked by me, secondly if he wasn’t going to allow it to be used by others in the family he’d be collecting it and I’d buy my own. Vile excuse for a father.

I think it’s fair enough if he bought them. Have you asked about buying the piano & other instruments from him?

This is mad.

Piano goes to his house and he facilitates lessons on his time - you buy piano / keyboard for both kids to use
or anyone in your house can use piano

*her dad has instructed that my younger children cannot use the piano or have use of other instruments”

I think I’d tell him that, in that case, the piano and piano teacher must be exclusively at his house. A violin that your older DD keeps in her room can reasonably be “hers”; a piano is a bloody big thing which takes up a lot of space! As long as your younger children aren’t monopolising/stopping your elder DD from practising, it’s unreasonable to say it can’t be used by anyone else and certainly not on to have it locked when it’s taking up significant space in the family home.

Tell him he will need to house the piano and facilitate the lessons from now on. He sounds like a tedious knob.

Oh, don't be silly. He bought them for his daughter - he doesn't get to dictate what she does with them anymore

I can understand the ‘individual’ instruments - I would not have my dd share her oboe for example

but the piano is odd. I would be telling him to collect it and get your own - you can get a hire to buy for example or an electric with weighted keys. Sounds like you hate going to have to get one for your youngest anyway and you don’t need two pianos in the house!!!

don’t let him control you

It is in YOUR house.
It needs to be removed from YOUR property if it cannot be used.
Do not tolerate this.
It is Coercive control and you can report him to the police.
Do not allow your elder daughter to turn into her father.
Be very very firm with her, that YOU are the boss of YOUR home, not her arsehole father.
Take this very seriously.

Still trying to control you? What a prince. Tell him your house your rules.

Why should she? They can stay in his house if he’s possessive about it. As I said upthread, it’s one thing with a violin or a clarinet or oboe that is more “personal” and can be stored in a case in the girl’s own room. But - unless the OP lives in a huge house - the fact that there is a piano there prevents her from getting another piano for her other children to use, because she’s unlikely to have the space. So in that sense, the piano being in her house is an imposition on the family and it’s not on to insist it is for her sole use.

How would he even know? What consequences are there if he did know?

If your dd is happy sharing with her siblings then she can do what she wants with her own things.

Tell him that you are replacing the piano with your own so that all the children can use it and give him x weeks to remove it.

I agree the the comments that if he is not going to allow use, he does not put his daughter in the middle, the instruments are removed to his house and he facilitates the lessons etc for your joint daughter

then you get a keyboard for use at your house by everyone

He was not controlling or coercive, the man was a workaholic but there was never any abuse.

He is annoyed and has expressed this when we meet once a year that my having further children has compromised our daughter’s life.

He sees her often, they have a good and close relationship but and I have to confess I am delighted, that he can’t have her 50:50 as I want her with me.

The piano is remarkable and everyone with knowledge of such things remarks on it. If I were to insist it was removed from the house it is only my daughter who would suffer.

My husband’s solution is to buy another piano. I don’t want to do this as not only would the front room look like a music shop but it would mark some kind of division.

Tell him to collect it and remove it from the house and then get a second hand one.

what an arsehole

How old is the younger one and would she be careful/take the care of the instrument seriously? I agree that it needs to be discussed between you and your ex.

A piano is as much a piece of furniture as it is an instrument and no one has more than one in their living room, that is completely and utterly insane. If he’s going to be so weird about it then I would propose that you buy the piano off him so it becomes your family piano or he arranges removal of the piano by x date and then you buy your own.

You are being weak - it is him who is punishing your daughter if he won’t let them share it. Make that very clear to both of them. Having two pianos in the room is ridiculous

Tell him you need to hand the piano removed from your home and then buy a piano that all the children can use.
By doing this your older daughter is not stuck in the middle of this and your younger daughter isn’t made to feel like she’s doing something wrong for existing.

And he is abusive. This is abusive and controlling behaviour towards your older daughter. And you.

Edited to add: what an arse!!!!

He will just have to put it in storage so you can get one all your children can play. There is no space in anyone’s house for a special piano only one child is allowed to touch, don’t let him make you be a bad parent, which is what you would be in doing in going along with these double standards for your children.

tell dd you won’t be having these discussions with her and nor should her dad but as a parent you cannot allow a whole piano that only one child can play, so you will explain to her dad that you need to change the pianos. Message him you will be transporting it to storage in two weeks to make space for a piano all your children can play, he’s welcome to pay to have it moved to his house, and having told your dd to lock the piano in her mums house against her siblings is damaging parenting he should be ashamed of.
having siblings has also enriched your dds life.

@Dazedandconfusec your oldest daughter is old enough to understand why the current piano has to go , tell him to come and collect it and get a family one

I get that you're probably proud of the type of piano and don't want a standard upright OP. However this isn't fair and stuff like pianos are for communal use, it's not like a smaller instrument that is more personal.

You need to make a stand on it. Either you give him the money for the piano or you make him take it for his own house and buy another one.

Out of interest. What does your daughter actually want? Is she regretful about locking it and feeling bad about it? Or is it “her”’ piano and she doesn’t particularly want to share it?