Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

[Dazedandconfusec]

My elder daughter is 12 and Grade 5 piano and flute and began guitar in an afterschool club at school last year. She gave up violin when the teacher moved house but still has two violins which she occasionally gets out.

My ex has facilitated her music and has bought all of the instruments and paid for lessons but I obviously had to facilitate the lessons for flute; the piano teacher comes to the house.

My younger daughter elder daughter’s half sister, has now started piano at school. Elder daughter has locked piano as her dad has instructed that my younger children cannot use the piano or have use of the other instruments.

It's your house. Her father tells her to lock it, you tell her not to. Why are his instructions above yours? Can you take the key?

I would tell ex that either he takes the special piano to his house and facilitates all lessons and practice or it is a shared family asset.
No house needs two pianos for mainstream level playing!

This.

No

her husband has suggested they get another and have two pianos 🙄

If I were to insist it was removed from the house it is only my daughter who would suffer.

She could still play it at his house?

It's not reasonable for him to dictate what happens in your house.

It’s very petty of your ex and putting your daughter in an awkward position of being unable to share it with her siblings. If he won’t change his mind can there be some compromise such as you offer to buy a half share in the piano so your other DC can use it?

I think no matter if the piano is remarkable, you will have to insist your ex has it in his home. You say your older daughter will suffer if you have a different one. Maybe a little. But since you can't have two your younger daughter is entirely disadvantaged now. I think you need to maintain control of your space and you can't expect to have it all ways if your ex insists on being an arse.

Yep

and op doesn’t seem to mind the younger daughter suffering because she won’t be able to play piano

its punishing all your children to let this absurd behaviour continue

She is 12. She isn't a cheeky cow ffs.

Her father is driving this.

I quite agree that this shouldn't be allowed to continue, but let's not name call such a young girl.

Sadly I think despite the piano being lovely you need to ask that he keep it as his house if he is going to try and control who uses it and buy one for your home that everyone can use.
Some really lovely ones do come up fairly reasonably priced as people downsize etc and as they are very substantial pieces many have nowhere to go.
It interesting he believes that by you having more children you have negatively impacted your eldest, did he only want one child so that resources would all go to them when you were together?

Tell your ex to collect his piano and move it to his place as are buying a piano that all the children can use. If he objects to this, be plain, he has options:

1. The piano stays and all children have unrestricted use
2. He removes the piano to his home for your elder daughter's sole use
3. He sells the piano to get it out of your house
4. He sells the piano to you and your husband.

If he says refuses the sensible suggestions - and the 4th option seems ideal - move it outside (garage if you can or cover it over) and buy your own.

But the OP doesn’t want 2 pianos (who would 😂), so she can just replace the current one with the one her husband has suggested they buy.

Tell him to take the piano to his house and he can organise the lessons.
We got my DD a piano as they played it the most but others can use it if they want.
If he takes the piano, just get a cheap keyboard to practice on at yours, she can use the main piano at his.
He is being a d!ck.

if he is going to take this stance then the only options really seem to be telling him to collect it regardless of how special it is and getting your own. Alternatively, if he is going to be that petty you point out he is storing the piano at yours and that the fee for storage/rent is not being so daft re locking the piano.

regardless of the outcome you need to deal with ex direct as your mutual child is in an impossible situation.

You’ve not mentioned what your daughter thinks. There’s a STRONG chance she doesn’t want her kid sister playing her instruments.

I think you’re being hugely unfair.

Get the youngest a fold out keyboard for her room until she’s proficient at least.

Torn on this because it is your DD’s piano and not yours to decide who uses it - but obviously having two pianos would be nuts unless you have some kind of mansion. Discuss this with your ex as calmly as possible, conceding that it your DD’s property but also that he will have to store it u less you come to some kind of compromise. I’d say allowing the younger one to use it for taught lessons and 30 mins of scheduled practice a day is fair, if your DD agrees.

The youngest would get a keyboard. The piano is eldest's and if it's such a remarkable one, shouldn't be banged on by kids playing around and used for beginner lessons by another child.

Does he have insurance on it? What is this, a Bösendorfer?

Like I said, my kids didn't touch the other's instruments. And one of them was a keyboard.

Also, if he takes piano to his house, how is she supposed to practice daily? OP said she wants her oldest there with her. If she's serious about learning, she needs daily practice

it is fair enough for the other instruments.
But a piano is in a family room and takes up space. Nobody in their right minds is going to get a fold out keyboard and show younger child that they are "less than" in their own home.

I would first ascertain what DD actually thinks. And if it is that her dad is right and piano is for her sole use? it goes in her bedroom or to his house.

And OP gets another piano for everyone to use.

@Dazedandconfusec what is the sibling relationship like generally?

I wonder if the 12 year old has complained about her younger sister using it, particularly if she’s wanted to use it at the same time.

OP is delighted that she doesn’t have 50/50 with her ex. If OP has the piano removed she risks her daughter casting her own vote on that, with her feet.

Just buy them a keyboard.

And practice it at exactly the same time as the other one is using the piano?!

Simple, buy a piano (or get one of the many being offered free online) for all dc to use and your eldest DD’s can go to her dads. Your eldest can use the new piano

It isn’t his house anymore so he can’t make rules up like this. If he’s unhappy about it, he can break his daughter’s heart and remove the piano which he won’t do unless he’s a total cockwomble. Ignore him.

This - sorry, but she is 12yo and grade 5, not a musical virtuoso whose concert pianist career is at risk. Both OP and her ex are being precious about DD’s music practice. The ‘special’ piano can go to the ex’s and they can buy a new shared one for their own home.

And I say that as a person who is grade 8 on multiple instruments and has an ex conservatoire Yamaha piano in her home - in a place where anyone can play it. It is robust enough as an instrument to be played by inexperienced/novice players. Other instruments of significant delicateness and value (a solid silver flute in my case, but understandably a violin in the OP’s daughter’s case) can be kept separately and not shared.

And regardless of whether OP feels her ex was coercive and controlling within their relationship THIS insisting that DD locks her piano to prevent others access is definitely coercively controlling. He is dictating how she uses/shares her instrument, he is controlling its use within the OP’s home and he is doing so to undermine the DD’s relationship with her sibling and her mother. It is abusive.

I absolutely would not stand for this on any level.

If my ex arranged for a piano to be delivered to my house I’d have told him to F off! Pianos are enormous, keep it in your own house.
Having items belonging to your ex in your home creates the opportunity for conflict, he’s now calling the shots in your house and creating disharmony. I know it’s seen as ‘daughters piano’ but it’s still a big ask to keep it at your house.

Get his piano out of your house pronto, get your own family piano.

100% what i would be doing.

Totally unfair gir your ex to put that pressure on your daughter.