Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

[Dazedandconfusec]

My elder daughter is 12 and Grade 5 piano and flute and began guitar in an afterschool club at school last year. She gave up violin when the teacher moved house but still has two violins which she occasionally gets out.

My ex has facilitated her music and has bought all of the instruments and paid for lessons but I obviously had to facilitate the lessons for flute; the piano teacher comes to the house.

My younger daughter elder daughter’s half sister, has now started piano at school. Elder daughter has locked piano as her dad has instructed that my younger children cannot use the piano or have use of the other instruments.

Nobody would expect the elder daughter to share a flute / clarinet / trombone but surely you can see that if you live in a house where 2/3 children play the piano that you are not going to accommodate 2/3 pianos , it’s ridiculous .

Tell him to collect it because you need a piano that all of your children can use and you don’t have room for 2.

Have the piano dad bought removed and he deal with it. Buy a family piano for all the children to take the place of the one her dad bought. No need for two then. Petty man he is.

Grow a backbone and stop letting your ex rule your life and divide your family. It’s not really about the bloody piano is it? It’s your ex’s jealousy of your new family and his need to control his daughter’s life.

If the piano is that remarkable it is probably wasted on a grade 5. Can’t your elder daughter keep her mouth shut or is she jealous of the younger and enjoys excluding her.

There seems to be jealousy and rivalry between them, surely a big sister would normally enjoy helping a younger one?

Tell your ex and elder daughter that the piano goes to be replaced by a cheaper one unless they can share.

The other instruments - she shouldn’t share.

He is being a dickhead. If moving the piano to his house and buying another one is not practical, could you buy the existing piano from him?

You shouldn’t have to, but it would solve the problem.

Does he have other children?

Buy another piano and ask your ex to remove the other one to his house.

This. Time his piano reside at his house.

I agree. This is the best solution. I suspect that your ex will realise what a faff this would be, and will agree to your younger child playing the piano.

To be fair OP grade 5 at 12 your DD is not a super serious musician. She can simply play it at her dad’s house. If she was on track to do grade 8 at 13 and junior college I’d say different.

If he doesn’t want anyone else using his piano he’ll have to arrange collection.

the real issue here is that he is trying to create a wedge and encourage your daughter to see her siblings as somehow separate for her. That’s quite sad really.

wtf?

Of course that’s what will happen. He’s just throwing his weight around.

Perfect. Eldest doesn't have to get involved so it'll only be between you and him and she's not in a difficult position, Dad can't refuse without looking like even more of a knob than he already does, kids can all use the piano.

"He is annoyed and has expressed this when we meet once a year that my having further children has compromised our daughter’s life."

@Dazedandconfusec , what poison has he been dripping into her ear about her little sisters? Telling her to lock the piano away from them suggests to me he's saying other things to her about her little sisters 'compromising' her.

Oh, he's not worried about his daughter, he'd never put on this ridiculous charade if he were, the knob. He's angry that OP had the gall to move on with her life rather than dying of love for him.

You do need to tell your ex that either he keeps the instruments at his house, and all music lessons are at his house or he accepts that instruments at your house are used by your family.

You cannot have your daughter locking it up. Imagine the long term damage that will do to her relationship with her siblings

Your poor older daughter having to follow his instructions. What a dickead he is.
Depends on your circumstances of course, but possibly i would deadline him to collect the piano by a certain date otherwise it will be sold and you get the proceeds and then you can buy your own piano that ALL of your children can use. Or maybe you have the money and space for two pianos, that would be fun if you did. I'd be nipping this stupid stuff in the bud but equally refusing to engage in long drawn out debates with him or your oldest being used to do his dirty work for him.

whatever you do don't let it drag on, this kind of behaviour is soooo damaging.

This!
Tell him you don't have room for 2 so he will need to remove his to his home (reasonable if he bought it for daughter then he should keep it at his home) and you will buy one for everyone in your home to use. Give him deadline. It's not unreasonable of him to stop someone using something bought... but it's bloody cheeky when it's residing in your home so shut it down immediately

Its ridiculous but I'd have him have the piano collected and kept at his house.

Eldest can have her lessons there and use it when there and you buy a family piano for your house

Shame that he's so petty but I wouldn't want daughters in the middle of that so simplest way is to have one, family piano for your house

report him to the police? report him to the police?????? Ok the father is a dick but good grief that’s bloody ridiculous 😆

I'd tell him if it's in my house it is unlocked and he can't control it. If he chooses to remove it he is the one causing suffering to your DD.

It’s not a family piano though. It’s the eldest daughters, bought by her dad for her.

In reality, this just isn’t how things work.

A piano is a large item that needs to be accommodated using shared space in the family home. It is not reasonable to have such an item in your home solely for one person’s use.

It’s as absurd as having a sofa in the living area for one person’s use.

This is the reality of being a sibling. You don’t buy each child their own playhouse for the garden. Some children share games consoles. Larger items are always shared, because families do not have the money or space for each child to have their own. Nor is it a healthy way to raise a family.

But it’s not about that. Try and see the past “but it’s HER piano” for a second, to realise how divisive and damaging to the DD and her relationship with her younger siblings this is. And that that is perhaps the goal.

I agree the only solution is to return this one to dad and buy one both can use. But I suspect the OP doesn’t much fancy that idea…

The OP has already said her husband has suggested they get rid of the piano and buy another. I suspect she is just in shock about being put in this situation at all.

I have a similar set-up OP. The musical instruments are all at mine, except they are for both girls use. For all the issues with my ex, this level of pettiness wasn't one of them.

He is forcing your hand unfortunately. I would be upfront and say buying a second piano isn't the issue, space is. So ask him when he can arrange collection for the piano. Say it and mean it. Hopefully, he will back down. Meanwhile, explain to your DD12 how unreasonable it is to have a piano her sister cannot use, while you also don't have space to buy her her own piano.

Keep it factual, without blaming her dad.

Hope you get it sorted. Your ex is being ridiculous and unnecessarily spiteful.

Your 12 year old is controlling you and the household!!! YOU are the parent!! She needs to hand over that key NOW and be told very bloody clearly that that is NOT her decision or anything else!! It’s in YOUR house and until she moves out and pays rent herself and takes the piano with her that piano is YOUR family’s property and for everyone to use!!! Cheeky cow!!!