Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

[Dazedandconfusec]

My elder daughter is 12 and Grade 5 piano and flute and began guitar in an afterschool club at school last year. She gave up violin when the teacher moved house but still has two violins which she occasionally gets out.

My ex has facilitated her music and has bought all of the instruments and paid for lessons but I obviously had to facilitate the lessons for flute; the piano teacher comes to the house.

My younger daughter elder daughter’s half sister, has now started piano at school. Elder daughter has locked piano as her dad has instructed that my younger children cannot use the piano or have use of the other instruments.

What a nasty piece of work. Roll it out and to the end of your drive and tell him to clme and shift it. Start looking around for pianos for sale, or even being given away, although might need a bit of refurbishment. It wiuld be worth it to stop him dictating who uses what in your home

I'm not sure I'd classify this as rules for the younger kids.

Firstly, the violin/flute/guitar are hers. You don't share smaller instrument, as they are personal, but she can be asked to keep them in her room. I'd suggest that anyway to avoid damage.

Piano, my temptation would be to tell him to move it to his house and the teacher comes there. You can get an electric piano that's more than good enough to practice on for both of them. They're smaller as well as volume controlled/headphones. Good news all round :)

However you have said that he isn't normally abusive, so I wonder if there may be more to it than you have said - or even that you realise.

Has your older daughter been stopped practicing because your younger one is using it?
Do the younger ones practice properly on it, or have they been using it as a bit of a fun toy and thumping on it?

If either of those may be true - or true enough your older dd may have complained about it, then it's not quite as clear cut.

In the former, I'd suggest that your older dd says when she wants to practice and your younger one does practice around her. She can't say "I want to practice now, get off" but she does get priority for the time she wants.
The latter, yes I'd agree with locking it. It can be unlocked for the practice time only and your younger one loses that privilege if she does start messing around. You may need to supervise, which tbf is a good idea at that stage anyway.

The other thing I'm just wondering is if there is any history of the older one getting/doing something and then the younger ones getting it off their back.
I was the older one who it felt like this happened a lot. I got/started something; younger brother had to have/do it too.
Often the item needed to do it, that I had bought myself or got for a present, I was expected to just let him have. When this had cost me up to 2 birthday and 2 Christmas presents to get I really resented him getting it for "free"!
I got nothing out of him using it, and he was generally less careful, so it often got dented/spoilt. If I complained, this was me being mean and not sharing. He never got int trouble, even when things were spoilt, nor was it ever replaced/mended.
He was never expected to share up to me with his things, so it was very one sided.
It was also often presented as "now you've got this, isn't it good - he can do it too" so I felt he was only able to do these things because I was providing them.

So if there is a danger that your older one feels like this, then I think there is a discussion that needs to be had. I'd agree that the piano should be shared however if she's feeling this way then you need to keep an eye on things and make sure that she does have things that are hers and she has her own space to do what she wants to do without feeling that her younger siblings will always be there too.

that is just being selfish though.

If the child is having piano lessons, and there is a piano at home, the younger child won't be using it unsupervised anyway.

So there is a very easy solution: the fabulous piano goes to dad's and then a cheaper one or a keyboard is made available to all those who need it.

Everything else is not there to be shared, but a piano is a whole other thing.

My comment about not facilitating the music lessons organised by dad on mum's time was more to teach the dad - the child doesn't need to hear about it. The dad can facilitate all the things he arranged. Win-win.

It's petty and downright mean!

If it's his he needs to take it, or pay rent on floor space at the OP's house.

Really? Piano is the most common instrument to learn amongst kids - it’s not like the sibling is starting the flute and wants to use that. A piano is massive and the only answer here is to get rid of the ex’s and get one that can be shared

do you know how shit it is being the younger sibling who doesn’t get to do the thing or have the thing because the older sibling got bored etc etc so they don’t want to waste the money again when you want to take up an instrument!

the youngest has started lessons - why is there an assumption she will be banging around on it? That’s the OPs job to make sure she respects the piano - just as she would if it were theirs

Can't imagine why he's an ex.

I'd probably just let all the kids play it and tell him to fuck off, but if that causes problems for your eldest it probably isn't the best solution. The ways some people will find to weaponise and not prioritise their children! She has a passion and a talent, why is he being such a dickhead about it because she's also got half siblings? You having more children can't possibly be worse for her than him being such a shit.

As an elder sister that’s what would bug me.

Boo fucking hoo.

I can’t imagine every family can afford or find the room for multiple large instruments for each child.

If the family have a piano at home, it is reasonable to expect all the children to be learning piano.

You think one child should be singled out for music lessons?

Two violins is probably because she's changed size.

We have 1/4 size, 1/2 size, 3/4 size and full sized violins in the house. Ds played the violin from age 5 to 8yo and went through the 3 smaller sizes in quick succession. The full sized is mine.
And at 12yo when she's not fully grown, it may well be that she is between two sizes. I can play full sized, and it's a nicer instrument, but the 3/4 is in some ways more comfortable to play as my hands are small, so if I'm playing nicely I get the full sized one out, but if I'm just having a play about I'd prefer the 3/4.

If she's fully grown out of it, then there might be a discussion with her and her dad about buying it for the younger one, but it shouldn't be a case of her being expected just to hand it over as it's hers.

Is it a grand/baby grand? It's ridiculous if so, having a large instrument clogging up your house that you live in with your current husband and two other children, that 4/5 of your household are not allowed to touch. If your daughter wants the instrument so badly, it either needs to be housed at her dad's where she can go and practice on it if she wants, or she needs to give you the key and stop being silly. It's not great that she's in the middle of this and I feel sorry for her for being in the middle; but she's old enough to make a sensible decision as well, and not be wholly under the control of her father's irrational wishes whilst living under her mother's roof.

Then the piano that’s solely for your dd goes on her room?

She wants some use she finds space for it.

I can see this from both sides with regards him paying for it but he’s being totally ridiculous in his reaction you you having more children and expecting the to become 2nd fiddle to his DD in their home.

It's him that's punishing your daughter, not you. He's putting her into an intolerable position.

I'd give the piano back to him and get one that both of your daughters can use. That's surely the only answer.

Ask him to immediately remove the piano & other instruments that he bought to his own house for use by his daughter while she is there.

Buy piano for your house for all kids to use.

We always rented because DS went through the sizes so quickly so I understand that but find it odd he bought the smaller when she clearly doesn’t have a great passion for the instrument

I wonder what other things he says and does to ensure there’s a wedge between her and her siblings

Musical instruments are expensive and they aren't toys. He bought them, he's paying for the lessons, I think it's a reasonable request to not have your other kids using her instrument and possibly breaking it or having it require tuning and upkeep more frequently. If it's such a "remarkable" piano, I really see his point.

My kids did different instruments and they didn't use the other's instrument.

It’s not a family piano though. It’s the eldest daughters, bought by her dad for her. It’s not the same.

I agree the only solution is to return this one to dad and buy one both can use. But I suspect the OP doesn’t much fancy that idea…

Piano should be shared. We brought piano for my eldest dc but he understood everyone could use it including myself.

However personal instuments like volins and wind should be up to dd what she would like to do as they are hers. I wouldnt expect wind instruments to be shared.

The violins id be chatting to eldest dd to see what she is comfortable with.

Yrs

He bought the instruments for his daughter. It's sensible for them to be kept at your house. If you want your younger children by another man to use the instruments your ex bought, then either you or the dad of your younger children should pay him a reasonable price, based on the current 2nd hand value and what percentage share of access they will have if the elder daughter will also be using them.

It's very poor parenting from both you and your ex that any of the children are involved in these practicalities, it's encouraging them to create a mental divide about "real" family rather than being focused on the positive relationships.

gosh if it is a baby grand? or any size really: charge him rent for floor space...

ETA: agree that if it is for sole use it goes in her room.

Offer the money you would have spent on a piano for DD2 to him so it becomes shared.
If he refuses this very reasonable compromise, all bets are off. Just get a second key for it, and unlock it yourself for DD2. That way DD1 does as she's told and if he has issues he comes to you. Then you simply tell him you are not complying with his ridiculous demands. What can he do?

"The piano is remarkable and everyone with knowledge of such things remarks on it."
So it's a fancy piano. So? It's still just a piano.

"If I were to insist it was removed from the house it is only my daughter who would suffer."
Not of you replace it with another piano, one that you and your current husband own and that can be used by all your children.

"My husband’s solution is to buy another piano.
This is really the only solution possible.

I don’t want to do this as not only would the front room look like a music shop but it would mark some kind of division."
Which is why you tell you ex to pick up his "remarkable" piano as you will be replacing it with your own. As for division - well your ex has caused a division by having your eldest lock the piano away from her sisters. And you will be perpetuating that division if you allow that locked piano to remain in your home - the home of ALL your daughters. Or are you more attached to this "remarkable" piano than to the self-esteem of your daughters?

Mean bastard springs to mind. Made even worse by using one child to spite another! Fucking fuckwit!

This.

Talk kindly to your daughter, unlock the piano permanently and tell him he can't instruct you what to do in your own house. He sounds like a disgruntled prick. What a prince among men putting his own daughter in such a position.