Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

[Dazedandconfusec]

My elder daughter is 12 and Grade 5 piano and flute and began guitar in an afterschool club at school last year. She gave up violin when the teacher moved house but still has two violins which she occasionally gets out.

My ex has facilitated her music and has bought all of the instruments and paid for lessons but I obviously had to facilitate the lessons for flute; the piano teacher comes to the house.

My younger daughter elder daughter’s half sister, has now started piano at school. Elder daughter has locked piano as her dad has instructed that my younger children cannot use the piano or have use of the other instruments.

As he is such a great guy I can safely unwatch this thread.

Hmm … It sounds as if you yourself are still in awe of your ex. This is not good for any of your children; they need to know that you are in charge of your household.

Provided your younger children are treating the piano and other instruments with respect I find this breathtakingly mean behaviour.

I think all children should have access to learning musical instruments.

I must say I did used to get upset when my son was very young that some of his friends visiting our home for whom a piano and our other musical instruments were a novelty and had no knowledge on how to treat them were less than careful. And I use to have to stop them using them as play things

But honestly I think this man trying to stand in the way of your other children having the wonderful experience of learning musical instruments is the epitome of mean spirit.

There is a division though - Your DD has a different father. Sharing should always be in context - she doesn't have to share anything/everything she owns as inconvenient that is for her sisters, whether half or not.

an ex doesn't get to dictate wheat happens in the form home or home of the other parent in this way - its not acceptable unless it means harm to the child/ren in some way

How would he like it if you dictate what happens in his home?

I think you need to sit down with your eldest and discuss the implication of trying to cause division over items in the family that are surely commonly owned as family items

What are you hoping for from this thread, @Dazedandconfusec?

This was my first thought. She's 12 and she probably doesn't actually want her things being used by her much younger siblings who likely won't look after them. I think if she wants to keep it locked then that's a reasonable expectation.

Grade 5 piano at the age of 12 is not exactly the sign of someone who will become a professional pianist to be honest. (for context I was grade 5 by the age of 12 and was definitely not any sort of maestro!) Google it if you don't believe me. Edited to add, having re read it, I assume she is working towards grade 5, so that is not even as far advanced as I was!

So why bother with an amazing piano? Just get a "normal" one. Or even better, get a Yamaha keyboard for the other kids (one of the touch sensitive ones) and they will have far more fun with it, and it is much easier to store. And make sure that the elder daughter is allowed to use and and to have fun when she plays it, as well as practice her scales on the "special" piano ...

The piano goes to his house. Your DD plays it there. No one else will touch it.
You buy another piano that all can use for your house.

Yeah. I have younger siblings and was made to share fucking everything and sometimes it drove me mental tbh

you immediately stop facilitating any of elder daughter's musical activities on your time.

And you get younger sibling an electronic keyboard for their exclusive use unless and until the piano is unlocked.

That's about the best you can do.

It won't make the front room look like a music shop if the original piano goes to his. It's reasonable for him to want instruments he bought to be for his DCs exclusive use, but not reasonable to expect those instruments to be kept in someone else's house.

Yeah that’ll learn ‘em.

Then the daughter can turn round at 25 and say “you never supported me with my music it was all dad”

The piano is remarkable and everyone with knowledge of such things remarks on it. If I were to insist it was removed from the house it is only my daughter who would suffer.
My husband’s solution is to buy another piano. I don’t want to do this as not only would the front room look like a music shop but it would mark some kind of division.

It doesn’t matter that the piano is a ‘remarkable piece’ your ex is being an arse and you’re letting him dictate to you. Seriously if my 12 year old had locked a piano I’d have been having serious words with her father expecting her to do that then having a chat with her. Buying another piano also isn’t going to solve this. Are you going to buy another ‘remarkable piece’ so both children have the same? What a silly idea to have 2 pianos because your ex is being a twat. Stand up to him for goodness sake otherwise he’s getting to dictate what happens in your home. Personally, if this was me, he’d have had the phone call to uplift it and another piano would be on order already. I certainly wouldn’t be dictated to and I wouldn’t be allowing any sort of divide to be happening between any of my children.

Nope. It’s not a reasonable expectation.

It’s a piano we’re talking about, not a Kylie Cosmetics lip kit.

Her father might as well just buy her a sofa for her own personal use in the family’s living room.

Just get your own piano and tell him to remove his amazing wonderful fabulous piano within 14 days.

you seem like you’re being a bit of a snob about having this wonderful piano for your child to play.

she’s grade 5 at 12. She’s unlikely to be a concert pianist.

yes but a piano is a whole other ball game.

Anything that is personal or portable, fair enough. But a piano?

Agree with pp that piano goes to dad's and is replaced with one for everyone to use. And if it has to be an electronic keyboard, tough tits.

Some of these replies are over the top and harsh - stop facilitating and get rid of the piano!

First off individual instruments are for individual use - I would never dream of playing DD flute nor her mine - they are personal and for one persons use

a piano is different but still must be treated with respect another child playing it properly is fine - someone banging on the keys is not

Yeah but would the younger sibling even be doing piano lessons if there wasn’t one handily available? As an elder sister that’s what would bug me. I did it so everyone else had to too

In a family home it’s unreasonable for the dd to have a piano to herself. The other instruments fair enough. She’s not being forced to share every single thing. And tbh having two violins bought outright for her is quite spoilt - is he always so ‘generous’

you run the risk of her believing she is separate from your family and that’s really not healthy.

nice piano can be at his and you can get a bog standard for yours.

So why bother with an amazing piano? Just get a "normal" one. Or even better, get a Yamaha keyboard for the other kids (one of the touch sensitive ones) and they will have far more fun with it, and it is much easier to store. And make sure that the elder daughter is allowed to use and and to have fun when she plays it, as well as practice her scales on the "special" piano ...

nah - if older DD has her own piano, she doesn't get to use the electronic one. Fair is fair.

Indeed. Also nothing the OP has posted suggests he wouldn't have the piano at his house but that actually she doesn't want it removing because it's such a nice piano.

I'm sure he would be just as happy to buy her a keyboard but I doubt the OP would be content with the piano being relocated.

I'd be taking the key and any spare away. But first, having a really good talk with the piano-playing child about how none of this is her fault and that she shouldn't be involved in adult disagreements.
It might be wise to lock the piano outside normal practise times to ensure there is no chance of careless use, and obviously, the younger child must be carefully supervised when playing. That way, there is no case to argue that the fancy piano is being damaged. It might mean you have to pay for tuning it yourself, but that sounds fair.

As others have said you are letting him control what goes on in your house. You are also allowing resentment to develop with the siblings or put a lot of pressure on eldest sibling or she may like the power she has over the younger ones.
Either way its not healthy for dd to be in that position.

Ex doesn't get a say.
Whats he going to do if younger ones use it? If he takes it away replace it.

Is it a very very good piano? At 12 I probably wouldn’t want to share with younger siblings, I used to get so annoyed at having to share everything with my younger siblings just because they decided they wanted to do my hobbies too 😂

Is younger DC likely to want to do it for long? How old are younger DC? If it’s a very good piano you probably don’t want a 4 year old bashing it about.