Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

[Dazedandconfusec]

My elder daughter is 12 and Grade 5 piano and flute and began guitar in an afterschool club at school last year. She gave up violin when the teacher moved house but still has two violins which she occasionally gets out.

My ex has facilitated her music and has bought all of the instruments and paid for lessons but I obviously had to facilitate the lessons for flute; the piano teacher comes to the house.

My younger daughter elder daughter’s half sister, has now started piano at school. Elder daughter has locked piano as her dad has instructed that my younger children cannot use the piano or have use of the other instruments.

Tell him he needs to rent space in your house to house the piano. Then tell him you plan to use the rental money to pay for a keyboard for your younger daughter. What an ah

Well that wouldn’t wash in our house , it would have been a bit like our eldest saying his little sister couldn’t have a ride on his pony . Presumably your suggestion would have been buy another pony just so the little one could have a 10 minute walk round once a week .

He is being a prat. As well as becoming talented herself, your eldest daughter needs to learn to live sharing. She should take joy in a shared passion with her younger sibling. She will gain valuable skills from teaching her the piano in an ad hoc way from time to time. Essentially, if she can’t do this, the piano will have to go.

She could charge rent retrospectively for all the time it has been there!

Have you asked your ex how he would feel if the father of your other children decided to punish his daughter for her existence and impact on their lives…? His behaviour is damaging his daughters relationship with their sibling which will have a life long effect.

If there is an instrument such as a piano in the house then it does need to be communal. You need to remove the key from her.

Have you asked your ex how he would feel if the father of your other children decided to punish his daughter for her existence and impact on their lives…?

Indeed.

I can’t imagine there would be posters screeching “but it’s HER piano” if the OP’s husband had bought a piano solely for the younger DD’s use, and locked it up so that the elder DD couldn’t use it.

Me, I would tell him to come and collect the piano and "kindly stick it up your arse". And make sure he realises that if he doesn't collect it promptly it'll be pushed out into the street.

Then I'd buy my children a much nicer piano.

Before doing anything, I'd talk to the oldest daughter.

Explain that having a piano each isn't a practical solution.

Offer two options - either she shares the current piano with anyone in the home that wishes to learn piano, or that piano goes back to Dad and a new, potentially not as nice, piano is purchased for the household.

See which she would prefer, and make it clear that Dads opinions here are irrelevant, its only her preferences you're interested in.

*it would have been a bit like our eldest saying his little sister couldn’t have a ride on his pony . Presumably your suggestion would have been buy another pony just so the little one could have a 10 minute walk round once a week”

I think this is a good analogy- as in both cases, the wider family is bearing the cost of the upkeep of the “thing not be shared” (for @tinyspiny feeding and housing the pony, for the OP, housing the piano in a family home she is maintaining and heating). Neither is something a child can own independently without support/space from the family. It also occurs to me that OP hasn’t mentioned the younger DD’s father - does he live in the house? If so, presumably he is contributing to the upkeep of the house and the room to facilitate this piano?

I’d be having very strong words with the ex. Yes - the piano belongs to the older DD and when she’s in a position to move out, she can take it with her. But if she needs it to be kept in a family space in the family home, then it’s for use by the family.

^This.

Your ex can shove his sparkly piano where the sun doesn't shine.

..it’s not a Steinway is it?

I think first things first, if you haven't already, have a good chat with your eldest to see how she's feeling about it. Maybe on a walk do it's just the two of you and feels less confrontational and no.other family members about.

I'd ask her how she thinks her dad would feel if she didn't obey him, and how she'd feel as a result of that. I wouldn't get into a discussion about what you're going to do, I'd say something like "thank you for giving me your perspective, I will hold it in mind when I make my decision about what happens next. There's a chance whatever I decide will leave someone feeling upset, but I'm the adult in our home and I will have to do what I think is right".

I would say that because she needs modelling that it is not ok for people to act pettily (her dad) or to go along with something that is wrong because of your own feelings (her - whether she is scared or feeling angry herself).

I worry if you allow him to get away with this, and end up with 2 pianos, you're setting a bad example for her. He's not controlling you, as people are suggesting, he's controlling her. Show her how to stand up to that.

It isn’t his house, but it is his piano he’s allowing his daughter to keep at her main residence. He may very well remove it if OP persists.

If he’s acting because his daughter has complained about her sister using it, he’s likely not going to be the one that gets the blame for the piano being removed. In DD1’s eyes, her father may be the one on her side, backing her up. Her mother and her sister will be the reason she can’t have her piano at her mother’s house. If her father is willing and able to have her more, she could easily decide to choose this, which is something that OP does not want.

He is controlling. He is telling you what your DC can do in your house. Send the piano back to ex and buy one as your DH is suggesting.

You can't have it both ways. He's being petty, and it's not going to work anyway, but there's a very easy solution

He should take the piano back, so it's safe and his daughter uses it at his.

He would be generous to buy another piano for your house, if it's not of your liking, buy a more expensive one yourself?

It sounds like he is claiming authority over the piano as if it is his property. If so, logically, this is his property being stored in your house (to simply enable its use by your daughter). IF he rigidly enforces this he needs to pay you for storing this at your house as it’s stopping you getting an instrument for more extended use.
Ask him to pay for the storage.

This is in addition to the unhelpful dynamic it brings into your household.

Yes, the above is petty, but it’s simply an attempt to help him understand how petty he his being.

It’s not the ex that is suggesting a new separate piano - it’s her current DH and father of the younger child.

That's your home. We did things differently. A piano can be a personal instrument just like a violin or trumpet.

It's not a toy to be shared. It's a musical instrument bought specifically for one person's use.

you are correct, I got meddled, but that's still the only solution, it will be easy and keep everyone happy

Get a good electric keyboard. If your younger children have an aptitude for piano you can rethink in a few years. If they don't it'll all be over in 5 minutes.

That IS being controlling and showing your younger children that they are not accepted by the father of their sibling.
Sad.

But it is your daughter’s piano. A gift from her dad. It isn’t your family property. So yes your husband’s right a seperate piano is needed for the daughter you have with your new husband - considering she has just started you can’t even be certain she’ll keep it going. So a cheaper piano for her is fine.

If he’s not a complete controlling dickhead - then highlight the unreasonableness and that ultimately the person who will suffer is DD1 - I’m sure he bought her such a good piano as he wanted her to have a good piano, he also won’t want it taking away.

Just message him and say that your younger children are also having piano lessons. You don’t have space for 2 pianos in your front room and there’s not enough space in dd1’s bedroom to put her piano. So either he needs to accept it will be used for practice /lessons by all the children in the house or he removes it to his house and DD1 can share her younger siblings’ piano if she wants to practice at your home. If he is going to remove the piano it needs to be gone by end of next weekend so you can get the replacement delivered.

It’s annoying that DD1 will end up with an inferior piano if he goes with this option but you can’t have the position that she controls what happens in your house and certainly can’t have him controlling the relationship with dd1 and her younger siblings

Then ex can house the piano if it is only for her use, unless he’s like to pay rent for the space it takes up in the family home.

This would be my solution.

But I have to say, an upright is very different to play than a keyboard. But it sounds like she might have a baby grand.