I’ve just realised his ex wife predicted my future (emotional abuse)

[Bubbble]

Been married for 10 years. Early days were rough - he used to constantly pick arguments etc - he was a weekend binge drinker and that made the weekends a guaranteed argument. This wasn’t helped by the fact I used to drink too so I’d go back at him and things would escalate.

I went tee-total 3 years ago. Since then I’ve really started to see things clearly, the arguments are NOT my fault like he had me believe, the sniping, the sarcasm, the gaslighting … it’s all him.

Past year or so he’s gone in moods for no reason, he just stops talking to me, snaps at me constantly and picks fault in everything I do. Past two weeks have been awful, constant moods for no apparent reason. Yesterday it started as soon as he got home at 1pm.

examples / I was on my way to Tesco and text to see if he wanted anything. He asked if they had salt and vinegar peanuts - I said I didn’t know but I’d look when I got there so he said “any flavoured nuts will do”. So I got there - all they had were BBQ flavour or sweet chili so I got the chili as I knew he’d bought them before. Needless to say when I got back - he wasn’t happy, said I should have asked him first and that he wouldn’t have paid that much. He literally said in the text “any flavoured nuts will do”.

I mentioned to him that my son’s ex (mum of granddaughter) was pregnant (no issue, just making conversation) - he snapped “well that’s their problem not mine” 🙄 ffs I was just making conversation!

I mentioned later on that she was having trouble getting dgd to school so he snapped “well the solution isn’t for you to take her, you’re not starting all that up” I never said I was!!! I was making conversation!!!

im sick of it. I’m sick of watching what I say incase it gets twisted, I’m sick of being told I can’t do this and I can’t do that, I’m sick of seeing something interesting or funny but thinking I better not share it with him or he’ll find a way to twist it and turn it into an argument.

The point of the post … last night I was thinking about his ex wife and what she put in the divorce papers …

Emotional abuse
Financial control
controlling behaviour
Affection withdrawal

You could say I had an epiphany.

He never wants to have sex either … he’s “too tired” yet will stay up until midnight playing computer games.

AIBU to think he ex wife warned me about the real him in her divorce statement?? And how has it taken me 10 years to realise?

So are you making plans to be an ex wife too?

Well, you've already lost ten years of your life to this unpleasant sounding individual, how many more do you want to lose? It's your life, your decision.

He's obviously been abusive since the very beginning. It sounds like going teetotal has made you less likely to engage in his nonsense and made it clear to you exactly where the problem lies. Men with this MO choose women very carefully and are real experts in making the woman think she is the problem. Did he also come with a sob story about how badly he was treated by his 'awful ex'? What do you want to do now you can see it clearly? The only time I was ever warned by a boyfriend's ex, I completely ignored her but she was 100% right.

Yes it was all her apparently - she was bad tempered and forced him to do everything and was lazy and controlling with the kids blah blah

They have been divorced 15 years and she has stayed single, no bloody wonder

How did you come to be with this prince in the first place? YANBU to divorce him.

People don’t fundamentally change unfortunately - this is what he is like, and what he has always been like.

Just copy and paste the unreasonable behaviour from his previous divorce onto your own divorce petition 😉. Yes I know divorce is no-fault now.

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. Honestly divorce him.

Time to join her in being an ex-wife. He sounds horrible, draining and a complete misery.

What the fck was the attraction in the first place? And what are you still doing with him? 🤷 Sounds like he's always been an arse, and always will be.
So get him out of your life.

Last night after being in a ridiculous mood he suddenly declared “we need to book a holiday, everyone else has a holiday booked and we don’t!” 😵‍💫 so I said “is this why you’re in a mood this week?” To which he said “well we need to do something for us instead of other people!” I said “what other people???” And he couldn’t answer. The only person I do anything for is my granddaughter - so he has a problem with her now too? A 6 year old??

I reminded him that we were meant to book a holiday last weekend but as he was in yet another mood it didn’t happen … I mean, call me old fashioned but when someone is acting like they don’t like me for two weeks, I’m a bit hesitant to book a holiday with that person!!!

Im at the point now where I fantasise about finding out he’s having an affair.

1. that would at least give a reason for his behaviour as “no reason” is more of a headfuck
2. I could get rid of him and have solid evidence that it was his fault

you don't need to find an affair to get rid of him. you don't need solid evidence it was his fault.

You are free to leave any relationship at any time. It is your choice.

I am that ex wife. Yes, it doesn't make you want to enter a relationship ever again!

Are you making plans to leave? He's a narcissist and will not change.

But you don’t need a ‘solid reason’ to get rid of him. He's abusive. He’s making you miserable. He isn’t adding anything positive to your life. Those are all the reasons you need.

Book an appointment with a solicitor, not a travel agent.

To those asking if I’m joining the ex wife in being an ex … yes I think I am. I find myself longing to be single. Problem is he’s royally fucked me over financially - made me come out of my pension, convinced me to drop to part time and ultimately convinced me to give up work entirely. So now I’m jobless so first thing I need to do is sort that mess out.

I’m curious as to how anyone, having seen the divorce document, could have considered this man a great marriage prospect.

Why did you, @Bubbble ?

Not sex with him as such … in the past two years I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve had sex.

Do not book that holiday, it will be miserable. You will hate it. Book to go away by yourself or with a friend so you can have some thinking time

The details don’t really matter, although I appreciate you need to get it off your chest. What does matter, though, is that you leave him.
You only have one life and it’s short. Do you want to live it like this?

Age old response here …. He seemed different at the time. He convinced me it was all her and he had to agree to her lies to get a divorce

Start planning to retrieve your situation. He's not stupid. He's manipulated this situation deliberately to prevent you from leaving. He knows you're seeing him clearly and that's why he's doing the switcheroo and wants to book a holiday. You don't sound sure yet what you want to do, so I would suggest individual counselling for you. But first take some legal advice and take some steps to bolster your position so you have options.

He ruins almost every holiday we go on.

My memories of Thailand are not the beautiful places, the people or the food … it’s sitting sobbing wondering why he just wanted to argue.

Vietnam the same

Rome the same

New York the same …. I could go on.

Don't book the holiday. Book to see a solicitor instead and get advice about where the lack of job, pension and so on leaves you and what you should do to prepare for a split. Are you able to go back to work and do you want to?

Remember, you can just end it because he's making you miserable. It doesn't have to be because of an affair or similar.

Good lord - that’s more than enough horrid holidays! What a waste of money and energy.

Just think of the lovely times you’ll be able to have by yourself - or maybe with your granddaughter.

I worried so much when xH got together with someone new. I spoke to so many friends and family worrying whether I ought to try and warn her. But we all concluded she was unlikely to listen to me. It's been hard seeing the changes to her though.

Just get out. You don't need evidence. Get some counselling to help you make the decision and help you through the early months after you leave

It will be worth it in the long run