I’ve just realised his ex wife predicted my future (emotional abuse)

[Bubbble]

Been married for 10 years. Early days were rough - he used to constantly pick arguments etc - he was a weekend binge drinker and that made the weekends a guaranteed argument. This wasn’t helped by the fact I used to drink too so I’d go back at him and things would escalate.

I went tee-total 3 years ago. Since then I’ve really started to see things clearly, the arguments are NOT my fault like he had me believe, the sniping, the sarcasm, the gaslighting … it’s all him.

Past year or so he’s gone in moods for no reason, he just stops talking to me, snaps at me constantly and picks fault in everything I do. Past two weeks have been awful, constant moods for no apparent reason. Yesterday it started as soon as he got home at 1pm.

examples / I was on my way to Tesco and text to see if he wanted anything. He asked if they had salt and vinegar peanuts - I said I didn’t know but I’d look when I got there so he said “any flavoured nuts will do”. So I got there - all they had were BBQ flavour or sweet chili so I got the chili as I knew he’d bought them before. Needless to say when I got back - he wasn’t happy, said I should have asked him first and that he wouldn’t have paid that much. He literally said in the text “any flavoured nuts will do”.

I mentioned to him that my son’s ex (mum of granddaughter) was pregnant (no issue, just making conversation) - he snapped “well that’s their problem not mine” 🙄 ffs I was just making conversation!

I mentioned later on that she was having trouble getting dgd to school so he snapped “well the solution isn’t for you to take her, you’re not starting all that up” I never said I was!!! I was making conversation!!!

im sick of it. I’m sick of watching what I say incase it gets twisted, I’m sick of being told I can’t do this and I can’t do that, I’m sick of seeing something interesting or funny but thinking I better not share it with him or he’ll find a way to twist it and turn it into an argument.

The point of the post … last night I was thinking about his ex wife and what she put in the divorce papers …

Emotional abuse
Financial control
controlling behaviour
Affection withdrawal

You could say I had an epiphany.

He never wants to have sex either … he’s “too tired” yet will stay up until midnight playing computer games.

AIBU to think he ex wife warned me about the real him in her divorce statement?? And how has it taken me 10 years to realise?

Yeah this is why I didn’t bother warning my ex’s new wife.

i did think about it but eventually decided she just wouldn’t believe me

Your reason for divorce - he is a horrible human being . Surely that is enough?

Hey Op- going Sober can be life changing. I also decided I wanted a divorce after a year of sobriety. Alcohol and the social occasions that come with them are a great distraction from dealing with real life.

if he’s still binge drinking he’s probably grumpy, unregulated and tired. He sounds miserable and unpredictable in your examples.

you can get a divorce. He doesn’t need to agree. Contact a counsellor and they will accelerate the journey the started with sobriety. Good luck!

I mean, my ex wrote a load of bs in his divorce petition just so I didn't get in first. My draft was concise and evidenced but he pipped me to the post.

My DP read the papers a little while ago (We've been together years) and he said that he has never seen any of those behaviours in me - and he has absolutely seen me at my worst emotionally. Sometimes divorce papers can be bs. But your marriage was never great, was it? There were problems right from the start, none of this is new and epiphany-worth?

Don bother with a holiday. Get back working and see a solicitor. He has manipulated you to make you dependent on him, but this doesn't have to be the rest of your life.

So the early days were rough and it's got worse from there?

Yep. Waves from the ex wife who stayed single after abuse club. 👋🏻

Sorry you have this man in your life. Sounds miserable. Hope you can make a better life ahead

So familiar. Yet ex is currently holidaying with his latest woman, same location where we went when I fucking paid for it and organised it and I sat crying in a bar alone because he was so vile. He actually said he felt guilty about it the other day. I said good! 🙈

I even cried on our honeymoon. He was awful.

Why do you believe you need “solid evidence it’s his fault?” You really don’t. You just say you are unhappy and the marriage isn’t working for you.

I would get proper legal advice and take it from there.

Im sorry you're in this position- 100% coming off the booze has cleared your vision, and now you can see clearly what you're stuck with. But, it doesn't have to stay this way. Start looking for a new job this afternoon. Put the word out among your friends that you're looking for something, sign up to any agencies that you have locally, give your CV a polish.

Best of luck, lovely. You'll come through this and find your life again.

That's conditioning. I felt like that. It's the fallout of treading on eggshells and emotional abuse.

You're right. But it is hard to call time. Ex did me a favour and ended our marriage. Took me ages to process how bad it was and what had happened to me. Still am really.

When you’re dreaming of them having an affair (or in my case a plane crash) then it’s over.

I didn’t really want him to die but it shows how bad it is.

Life’s too short to live with a miserable arse. He won’t change, he’ll only get worse.

How are finances working now? Is he a higher earner?

So what are you going to do now? An epiphany is nothing without action...

(Spoken as someone who had her own epiphany...)

plan your exit

and in the mean time

if he mentions "we" haven't booked a holiday - say ill leave that to you - he won't book it but then you can blame him

don't converse with him at all, do your own thing and if you don't start any conversation you don't have to watch what you say

It happens, now the blinkers are off start planning your exit. Do everything you can to get away from him, he’ll never change.

Im so sorry he's abusive.
Im glad that you have woken up to this.
To quote many a mumsnetter...its "ducks in a row time".

Well she did try & warn you. Now make your plans to be his second ex-wife and go enjoy your life away from the waste of space.

I need to get a job. But it will be minimum wage I suppose since I gave up my professional registration.

You don’t need a reason. I stayed and put up with sniping, mood swings and horrible in-laws. I left because of something major but I go back and tell my previous self like a boiled frog you don’t need a reason to leave the pan.

Frame it / we are very different people and are deeply unhappy I want you to be happy so I’m leaving you. I have a place rented and I have a solicitor I hope we can be amicable and in time friends and then go. Frame it as I know you are deeply unhappy and I have been for years. I have tried but I can’t do anything right for you so I want to let you find the right person for you. Walk out and into your nice cosy new house get the divorce going and find yourself. Find you.

Yeah he’s higher earner, I make peanuts at home (about £300 a month)

You know what to do I think?
Get out…you already spent 10 years with him, I expect it probably wasn’t all bad!!

But enough is enough, get rid, get out and chalk this one up!
Look after yourself for a bit, meet new people, lots of nice fellas out there.
Be happy OP xx

Is it possible to restore your professional registration? Have you taken advice on whether this can be done? You will get into action when you stop feeling sorry for yourself.

I’d be seeing a divorce lawyer, not a travel agent!

What was your former occupation?