I’ve just realised his ex wife predicted my future (emotional abuse)

[Bubbble]

Been married for 10 years. Early days were rough - he used to constantly pick arguments etc - he was a weekend binge drinker and that made the weekends a guaranteed argument. This wasn’t helped by the fact I used to drink too so I’d go back at him and things would escalate.

I went tee-total 3 years ago. Since then I’ve really started to see things clearly, the arguments are NOT my fault like he had me believe, the sniping, the sarcasm, the gaslighting … it’s all him.

Past year or so he’s gone in moods for no reason, he just stops talking to me, snaps at me constantly and picks fault in everything I do. Past two weeks have been awful, constant moods for no apparent reason. Yesterday it started as soon as he got home at 1pm.

examples / I was on my way to Tesco and text to see if he wanted anything. He asked if they had salt and vinegar peanuts - I said I didn’t know but I’d look when I got there so he said “any flavoured nuts will do”. So I got there - all they had were BBQ flavour or sweet chili so I got the chili as I knew he’d bought them before. Needless to say when I got back - he wasn’t happy, said I should have asked him first and that he wouldn’t have paid that much. He literally said in the text “any flavoured nuts will do”.

I mentioned to him that my son’s ex (mum of granddaughter) was pregnant (no issue, just making conversation) - he snapped “well that’s their problem not mine” 🙄 ffs I was just making conversation!

I mentioned later on that she was having trouble getting dgd to school so he snapped “well the solution isn’t for you to take her, you’re not starting all that up” I never said I was!!! I was making conversation!!!

im sick of it. I’m sick of watching what I say incase it gets twisted, I’m sick of being told I can’t do this and I can’t do that, I’m sick of seeing something interesting or funny but thinking I better not share it with him or he’ll find a way to twist it and turn it into an argument.

The point of the post … last night I was thinking about his ex wife and what she put in the divorce papers …

Emotional abuse
Financial control
controlling behaviour
Affection withdrawal

You could say I had an epiphany.

He never wants to have sex either … he’s “too tired” yet will stay up until midnight playing computer games.

AIBU to think he ex wife warned me about the real him in her divorce statement?? And how has it taken me 10 years to realise?

It can be done but I’m scared (I know, I’m ridiculous). Before I got married I was independent, sociable and confident. Now I’m just a hermit wreck.

Registered nurse

My exhusband told his next ( much, much younger) wife that I was mentally ill, had controlled his spending and made his life hell. She believed that he had divorced me and his mother backed that up. I was none of the above and had divorced him for unreasonable behaviour . She didn't find out the truth until she also divorced him after his spending led him to embezzle a million pounds of other people's money and get a criminal record. Their house was taken to provide funds . He hadn't worked at an actual job for 10 years and had lied, cheated and spent money he didn't have throughout their marriage. Just as he had done through our marriage. She thought I was a psycho bitch. Now she knows better

2. I could get rid of him and have solid evidence that it was his fault

The man will have been divorced by two wives. Anyone looking on will assume that he was the problem.

Lots you can do with those qualifications

how long until retirement age?

Get a job and get away from him, he sounds vile, selfish, controlling, nasty and moody- ain’t nobody got time for that!

You don't need a reason to go your separate ways. You don't even need to blame him. You can decide this marriage isn't working for you and take it from there.

If you think he's capable of changing you could consider couple's therapy, but he sounds like a grumpy, miserable human being.

I've come to learn that life is too short to be stuck in a relationship that drains you like this.

But he wasn’t different was he? He was an abusive argumentative twat right from the start. You say do in your OP.

Look at the pharmaceutical industry OP. You might well have the background to be a clinical research associate.

You're not ridiculous at all. Relationships like this destroy your confidence and self-esteem. So good that it's nursing - you can definitely do top up training and regain your professional registration. Sorry if that was too harsh when I said about feeling sorry for yourself. You are still in there somewhere. You're just a bit lost at the moment. Doing things to help yourself will be good for your recovery, but it takes time and patience.

Also my ex was a twat from the start and I stayed 20 odd years. I've never regretted leaving him for a second. Sounds very much like yours.

I would strongly recommend you contact your local domestic abuse service. They will be able to help you to build the emotional strength to be able to leave him safely.
They can also help with the logistics and will have courses you can do to help you build strength post separation and to help you realise that this isn't your fault.

He's done a great job at breaking you, but you can do an even better job of rebuilding yourself.

Just google 'domestic abuse support x area' and some will come up. Women's Aid or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline will have advice.

You 100% can get out of this and come back strong.

You deserve so much better. Don't spend another year, let alone ten years, like this. It might be tough going for a while, but you can do this, and you will never regret it. Imagine actually being able to enjoy your holidays!

You'd get a HA role. It's above minimum wage with enhanced weekends etc. Start looking. Even the ward hostesses aren't on minimum wage. Even if you didn't want to go back to Nursing there's promotions within departments, stores etc that are not pressured, but carry a ok wage. That's your first planning stage. Pity you can't go lead passenger, he pays, you take a friend.

yabu if you don't divorce him. Read back everything you have written and ask yourself why the hell you are living such a shit life. It is never too late to up your standards.

I remember driving along the A40 just out of London with the theme from the Morse TV series playing on the radio. My husband was driving and I spent the whole time fantasising that the police would come to my house one night and tell me he'd been killed in a motorbike accident. I could play the role of grieving widow to perfection whilst doing a little dance when no one was around . He is dead now but I had to divorce him and wait a lot of years. If that music comes on classic fm it takes me right back to thst day .

Your life is mine 7 years ago. Even down to the hoping he had an affair. I luckily wasn’t married to him so once I managed to leave it was over.

Everyone believed he was such an amazing man except his ex wife. I was clearing through all of his old paperwork (but I wasn’t really because he did everything and I was lazy and did nothing but spend his money of course). I found what his wife had written in the divorce paperwork and that’s when I saw I wasn’t the problem.

I got an evening job to “help us out so we could do things together” but I lied to him about it, I was earning more than I said and faked a long commute so that I could do more hours than he realised and managed to save up enough to leave. He used to spend all my money so I faked wanting to take him on the trip of a lifetime for his big birthday in a couple of years and needing to save for that. He carried on spending my normal wage but I managed to convince him we shouldn’t use this…. I managed to save enough to leave. He has since told people I stole his money and all these lies but I just don’t care. I’m happy, I love my life. I was happy to stay alone but as it happens I’ve met the perfect man and it’s shown me what a relationship can be.

Yes she was trying to warn future women

You can write the same list it’s all there

So can you file for divorce, you can do it without a reason, and whilst you retrain as a nurse or anything else could you stay with son?

Wishing you strength in freeing yourself from this man, OP. 🙏 It's a cliche but you only get the one life, don't throw anymore of it away on what sounds like misery for you. 🌺

You could get a job with a good homecare company while you are sorting your registration out
Give some companies local to you a call on Monday

Contact the NMC and explain your situation and see what you need to do to re-register. In the meantime see if anywhere is hiring HCA'S even if it's just on the Bank. This'll get you back in the environment and help build your confidence back up. Good luck!

*bloody autocorrect

You're an RN? Brilliant!! Are you able to get on to an RTP course (or whatever they are called) and get your registration back? Can you get back into doing some bank shifts (as an HCA) at a local Trust just to get foot in door and restart pension contributions? Think of this all as part of your "get your ducks in a row plan". Quietly get yourself back on track and then file for divorce. It'll be nice to have something to work towards. I'd look in to the options available for getting your PIN back, and then go from there.

FWIW, you're not ridiculous, or stupid, or useless...or any of the shitty things that he has made you feel. I'm an RN too, and XH tried to get me to quit my job (even though I was the breadwinner!) and "go for something less stressful". It was the one thing I stood firm on, even though there were times where I questioned my sanity about continuing (it was hideous juggling FT shift work, with parenting two young kids and dealing with XH who did absolutely fuck all to help).

You CAN do this and you WILL do this. You are stronger than you think and you will get back to the person you were before him.

take a few deep breaths and start planning your future. You had a great job before and it is something you will go back to.

look at all the finances and try and get evidence of what he has tucked away, savings pensions etc. if you plan to leave it’s better knowing what you are entitled to.

Then look at housing.

In the realm of do as I say, not as I do - I suggest you get in touch with your professional body/institution and get some advice on how to return to work. (Different profession but I wish I’d done this twenty years ago. Loss of confidence really can wreck one’s life and prospects.)

Don’t give up before you’ve started!

Sounds like you want a divorce but financially it’s not possible or hard. Start living separately in the same house and grey rock him. And get a job.