I’ve just realised his ex wife predicted my future (emotional abuse)

[Bubbble]

Been married for 10 years. Early days were rough - he used to constantly pick arguments etc - he was a weekend binge drinker and that made the weekends a guaranteed argument. This wasn’t helped by the fact I used to drink too so I’d go back at him and things would escalate.

I went tee-total 3 years ago. Since then I’ve really started to see things clearly, the arguments are NOT my fault like he had me believe, the sniping, the sarcasm, the gaslighting … it’s all him.

Past year or so he’s gone in moods for no reason, he just stops talking to me, snaps at me constantly and picks fault in everything I do. Past two weeks have been awful, constant moods for no apparent reason. Yesterday it started as soon as he got home at 1pm.

examples / I was on my way to Tesco and text to see if he wanted anything. He asked if they had salt and vinegar peanuts - I said I didn’t know but I’d look when I got there so he said “any flavoured nuts will do”. So I got there - all they had were BBQ flavour or sweet chili so I got the chili as I knew he’d bought them before. Needless to say when I got back - he wasn’t happy, said I should have asked him first and that he wouldn’t have paid that much. He literally said in the text “any flavoured nuts will do”.

I mentioned to him that my son’s ex (mum of granddaughter) was pregnant (no issue, just making conversation) - he snapped “well that’s their problem not mine” 🙄 ffs I was just making conversation!

I mentioned later on that she was having trouble getting dgd to school so he snapped “well the solution isn’t for you to take her, you’re not starting all that up” I never said I was!!! I was making conversation!!!

im sick of it. I’m sick of watching what I say incase it gets twisted, I’m sick of being told I can’t do this and I can’t do that, I’m sick of seeing something interesting or funny but thinking I better not share it with him or he’ll find a way to twist it and turn it into an argument.

The point of the post … last night I was thinking about his ex wife and what she put in the divorce papers …

Emotional abuse
Financial control
controlling behaviour
Affection withdrawal

You could say I had an epiphany.

He never wants to have sex either … he’s “too tired” yet will stay up until midnight playing computer games.

AIBU to think he ex wife warned me about the real him in her divorce statement?? And how has it taken me 10 years to realise?

at least give a reason for his behaviour as “no reason” is more of a headfuck

The REASON is that he is an arsehole.

You were stupid to put a man's words before another woman's. I mean, a lot of us do, but we are wrong.

My exes new wife did the same thing. She's still married to him but ALL of her complaints about him are the same ones I had. She attacked me verbally when I told her what he was like, before they were married. Uh huh. Fuck around and find out.

I’ve just applied for a HCA bank job. It’s minimum wage but I can choose the hours. I don’t want him to know I’m back working.

I do think he’s upto something financially. I know he’s got £4k stuck in crypto currency that he refuses to draw out.

Throw this deadweight fish back in … you can’t live your life like this

Not sure why my reply has been hidden??

Oh it’s back 😂 must have triggered an alarm 😂

When you say to him, I was only making conversation !
What does he reply

you’ve let him get away with this too long
you deserve more
dump his pathetic arse

good luck op

Please do it. I love being single. Yes, on a practical level it would be nice to have a man around (I’m not good at maintenance stuff and my sons are adult and don’t live close enough to just drop by) but on an emotional level I can’t tell you how much happier I am. I’m a long time single, and like the ex wife, never again will I live with a man or even have a relationship. If she could leave him, so can you, he has learnt nothing and not grown as a person.

I was hoping that you would say that you had been a registered nurse. There are several routes back so look at what will be best for you. Ignore your doubts about your abilities for the moment. They are just a symptom of being in an abusive relationship. Getting away from this man will help your confidence enormously.

He sounds like mine. Definitely a narcissist. After my Dads funeral he said “I finally get you all to myself.”
🤮 I also wish he would have an affair and leave.

The reason is simply that it's who he is.

You've been woth him 10 years.
He's been divorced 15.

That's at least 25 years of him ruining women's lives.

Your next epiphany needs to be that noone is coming to rescue you.

You need to do the hard work to save yourself. The reward is the 15 years of peace the ex wife has earned.

Good luck 🤞

That’s good and a start. Find about re registering and then do that.

Make an appointment with a divorce matrimonial lawyer as soon as you can but one who’ll give you a 30 minutes free advice slot. Keep in touch with them. These days you can do your own divorce online, I can’t recall whether legal aid covers divorces. You do not need a reason to divorce.

Has he cut you off from your friends? If not it would be good to see one or two for a coffee and a chat and for them to be sounding board and supportive of you.

I do know what it’s like to be stuck in a relationship like this and it sounds like he’s done a real number on you emotionally.

You’ve got this!

I wonder if anyone ever thinks, on their wedding day, In ten years time I’ll have to scrabble for a NMW job, even though I’ve had a profession, and I’ll have to go out to work in secret so he doesn’t find out.?

I mean you do have to take some responsibility for quitting work - yes he was telling you too! But you did what he said and put yourself in a shit situation!

I’d focus on getting yourself back to work first

stop doing anything for him! Don’t get his groceries/ cook for him / do his laundry

tell him you don’t want to go on holiday and car sort out his own if he’s so desperate.

make plans to divorce once on your feet again

save up and go on holiday with your lovely grandaughter instead !!

OP, that is brilliant, well done for applying. Get your foot back in the door with work/pension (and finding yourself again/gaining confidence) and start looking at how to get your PIN back. Now's the time to get this all sorted - on the quiet and whilst you're still housed/living with the twattish man child (and maybe don't have to worry so much about rent/mortgage/bills). Once that is sorted, then you can look at getting ducks in row to end marriage. He won't think that you're planning on leaving. XH thought I'd stick around for good (and take him back no matter what he did), and had the shock of his life when I got my lightbulb moment, re-found myself, enforced my boundaries and then stuck to them.

It's 7yrs since XH and I separated etc. I've loved every moment of being single (won't lie, it has been hard with being a solo parent and working FT, but still way easier than being in a shitty marriage). And in these years, I've managed to get my confidence back and get into a B6 role. I never want to date or be in a relationship again.

I doubt it.

Perhaps people need to take note of any warning signs before committing though?

My friend did something similar (for similar reasons to you) she got back to qualified role very quickly as there are ways to do this (not sure exactly how).

I'm sure you've found this OP, but here we go anyway...

www.nmc.org.uk/registration/returning-to-the-register/checklist-of-requirements/

Does he have underactive thyroid or type 1 diabetes?

Not to make excuses for him, but he sounds like a deeply unhappy individual which could be cause by an underlying health problem. My husband was a bit like this until he got both conditions under control. Both cause irritability and mood swings.

NHS professionals have been running a fully funded return to practice course for nurses. The pilot scheme went well apparently and they are planning further courses…. It’s a great route back into nursing

Wtaf???

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Yes she did warn you and yes you've missed some massive red flags - but unfortunately it happens. It's sad that we have to wise up to how men can be, and stop competing/ disbelieving women. But that's not really the point - are you planning to leave x

YABU for having stayed married to this dickhead for 10 years.

Narcissists don’t like anyone else to get your attention. Even their own children. They don’t play by the usual rules, very very difficult to get away from. People don’t believe it when they haven’t witnessed it.

You know what, OP? I feel a tiny bit excited for you. Your life is getting better- you have stopped drinking, the scales have fallen from your eyes about the fact your husband is nasty, emotionally abusive and holding you back, and you are realising you have a good life to live out there- starting with going back to work.

I think once you get going again, and see that new life, you will want to grab it with both hands and not let go. I hope you do!