I’ve just realised his ex wife predicted my future (emotional abuse)

[Bubbble]

Been married for 10 years. Early days were rough - he used to constantly pick arguments etc - he was a weekend binge drinker and that made the weekends a guaranteed argument. This wasn’t helped by the fact I used to drink too so I’d go back at him and things would escalate.

I went tee-total 3 years ago. Since then I’ve really started to see things clearly, the arguments are NOT my fault like he had me believe, the sniping, the sarcasm, the gaslighting … it’s all him.

Past year or so he’s gone in moods for no reason, he just stops talking to me, snaps at me constantly and picks fault in everything I do. Past two weeks have been awful, constant moods for no apparent reason. Yesterday it started as soon as he got home at 1pm.

examples / I was on my way to Tesco and text to see if he wanted anything. He asked if they had salt and vinegar peanuts - I said I didn’t know but I’d look when I got there so he said “any flavoured nuts will do”. So I got there - all they had were BBQ flavour or sweet chili so I got the chili as I knew he’d bought them before. Needless to say when I got back - he wasn’t happy, said I should have asked him first and that he wouldn’t have paid that much. He literally said in the text “any flavoured nuts will do”.

I mentioned to him that my son’s ex (mum of granddaughter) was pregnant (no issue, just making conversation) - he snapped “well that’s their problem not mine” 🙄 ffs I was just making conversation!

I mentioned later on that she was having trouble getting dgd to school so he snapped “well the solution isn’t for you to take her, you’re not starting all that up” I never said I was!!! I was making conversation!!!

im sick of it. I’m sick of watching what I say incase it gets twisted, I’m sick of being told I can’t do this and I can’t do that, I’m sick of seeing something interesting or funny but thinking I better not share it with him or he’ll find a way to twist it and turn it into an argument.

The point of the post … last night I was thinking about his ex wife and what she put in the divorce papers …

Emotional abuse
Financial control
controlling behaviour
Affection withdrawal

You could say I had an epiphany.

He never wants to have sex either … he’s “too tired” yet will stay up until midnight playing computer games.

AIBU to think he ex wife warned me about the real him in her divorce statement?? And how has it taken me 10 years to realise?

He convinced you to come out of your pension
He convinced you to go part time
He convinced you to leave your job
He convinced you his ex was lying
Is ANYTHING your fault?

I wonder how much of this was bullying/coercion though.

My ex husband’s next wife actually worked in the same organisation as me but different area of work . I warned her about his violence , lies , controlling behaviour etc . She didn’t believe me and swallowed all the lies he told her about me AND spread them round work.
It was a miserable time .
A couple of years later one of her friends told me that he had beaten her up and was cheating on her .
A leopard never changes its spots.

It's not too late OP. You've put up with him for a long time, you can do a bit more now you've made a decision, hopefully he will be easier to cope with now you know you don't have to put up with hit forever/ try and work on things. Get yourself re registered. Get a job. Make your plans

At what point did you get your peepers on the divorce papers?? Please tell me it wasn't before you hitched your wagon to this waste of O2.

Life is so short. Is this really how you want to spend the rest of it? Do yourself a massive favour and start the process of dumping this horrible grinch of a man.
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*those Tesco nuts are delicious by the way. He's a muppet. 😋

I don't normally comment on these threads, but the bit about having to think before you speak on ANY subject because you know he will respond negatively...that's one of the saddest things I've read. Good luck in planning your new future.

Stop being a martyr and do what you need to do!

You said that you went teetotal
this is interesting to me (I have been long term sober but also in a12 step program Have you heard of “dry-drunk “ syndrome?

I don’t think she was warning you, just being honest. You however should have taken it as a warning. Seriously, how did someone saying those things about him not at least make you a bit suspicious and concerned.

Totally identify with this. It sounds like OP has married my ex 🥲. No doubt he tells everyone I am crazy and against him just like he told me about his previous ex. I was young and naive and just didn't know anything about red flags back then.

So why on earth did you almost book another holiday with him last weekend?

Look out for home care jobs. You stay at work away from that idiot. Then sort out your nursing if you want but home care pays well bout £1000/week

Yep, he’s the common denominator. He’s not learned from his unacceptable marital behaviour the first time round, has he?

OP if you’ve been out of nursing for less than three years you may well be able to apply to rejoin the register as things stand. Or if longer, you could do s return to practice course via a local uni. The main thing is to start to do SOMETHING. You can re- join the pension and should be able to build up a decent amount. Please don’t waste any more precious life either this soul sucker!!!

In the meantime do the women’s aid freedom programme. When I did it a lot of the women doing the course were still with their abusers. There is no judgement. It is hard to leave even without financial barriers.

That's twice you've mentioned your DGD and his resentment towards her. I wouldn't want him anywhere near her so if you need what you feel is a good reason to leave, leave for her sake. But you should leave him anyway.

Make leaving plans before you tell him. Get any important paperwork you’ll need stashed somewhere he can’t access.

Men who use coercive control make it difficult to leave, but use the shitty things he does as fuel to know you’re doing the right thing by leaving.

He’ll swing wildly between being abusive and trying to make you feel sorry for him. I got a notebook and wrote down all the awful things he’d done to remind myself of the truth of our relationship.

I wouldn’t tell him you’re leaving until you have done so.

Secure documents; arrange accommodation (unless you can actually buy him out); choose a day he’s out to remove your belongings. Then message him with your fait accompli.

Safer, and less hassle all round.

The point is in the post, if you read it.

@Bubbble OP I had to read your post twice to check I hadn’t written it ! This was my life for a couple of years longer than you and I snapped in November- over nuts can you believe?! Just put in divorce application and looking forward to peace in my life instead of constant sniping, criticism and negativity. I’ve wasted far too much time trying to anticipate every single thing that might wind him up/upset him/send him off on yet another full blown alcohol fuelled tantrum…. I have to stay living with him until at least September (financial reasons) and he’s guilt tripped me every single day and promises me he’ll change and tells me I’m his world/soulmate and I just don’t fking care anymore! So if I can do it so can you…. save yourself from even one more day with him OP and stop, just STOP being this twats whipping boy! Xx

Be grateful you’ve had the epiphany!! I’d also consider when you leave, speaking to ex wife if possible and telling the police about your experiences - see if it can get logged so future partners could Claire’s law him?

Oh, honey no.

@Bubbble

May I please ask a question:

Why did you think it would be different with you? Vs the ex wife’s experience?

Did you think you were smarter / better / prettier / more clever than her?

Not an attack - genuine question. I hope you can get away from him soon.