I’ve just realised his ex wife predicted my future (emotional abuse)

[Bubbble]

Been married for 10 years. Early days were rough - he used to constantly pick arguments etc - he was a weekend binge drinker and that made the weekends a guaranteed argument. This wasn’t helped by the fact I used to drink too so I’d go back at him and things would escalate.

I went tee-total 3 years ago. Since then I’ve really started to see things clearly, the arguments are NOT my fault like he had me believe, the sniping, the sarcasm, the gaslighting … it’s all him.

Past year or so he’s gone in moods for no reason, he just stops talking to me, snaps at me constantly and picks fault in everything I do. Past two weeks have been awful, constant moods for no apparent reason. Yesterday it started as soon as he got home at 1pm.

examples / I was on my way to Tesco and text to see if he wanted anything. He asked if they had salt and vinegar peanuts - I said I didn’t know but I’d look when I got there so he said “any flavoured nuts will do”. So I got there - all they had were BBQ flavour or sweet chili so I got the chili as I knew he’d bought them before. Needless to say when I got back - he wasn’t happy, said I should have asked him first and that he wouldn’t have paid that much. He literally said in the text “any flavoured nuts will do”.

I mentioned to him that my son’s ex (mum of granddaughter) was pregnant (no issue, just making conversation) - he snapped “well that’s their problem not mine” 🙄 ffs I was just making conversation!

I mentioned later on that she was having trouble getting dgd to school so he snapped “well the solution isn’t for you to take her, you’re not starting all that up” I never said I was!!! I was making conversation!!!

im sick of it. I’m sick of watching what I say incase it gets twisted, I’m sick of being told I can’t do this and I can’t do that, I’m sick of seeing something interesting or funny but thinking I better not share it with him or he’ll find a way to twist it and turn it into an argument.

The point of the post … last night I was thinking about his ex wife and what she put in the divorce papers …

Emotional abuse
Financial control
controlling behaviour
Affection withdrawal

You could say I had an epiphany.

He never wants to have sex either … he’s “too tired” yet will stay up until midnight playing computer games.

AIBU to think he ex wife warned me about the real him in her divorce statement?? And how has it taken me 10 years to realise?

I actually feel a bit excited too, in reality I think I’ve craved being single since I got married 😂

I’m also about to join the never again club after an abusive marriage. I’d much rather be on my own, thanks.

Honestly, you’ll find yourself again. I’m a bit further down the road than you and I can already see the old me resurfacing. I feel like I’m coming back to life. Get rid.

I'm an ex wife.
I'd love to meet the current Mrs katseyes (if indeed they're still married) to see if he still behaves the way he did when he was with me.
I hope not. No one deserves that.

I'd put money on the fact that he does OP.

I dont believe a person's character fundamentally changes. They can fake it until they've got you hooked in, but it always reverts.

Not sure how old you both are OP, but whatever he’s like at 40 will be magnified 100 fold at 60/70/80. Meanness and grumpiness and sulking will not improve with age!
I would make plans to leave and take your Grandaughter to school as often as you’d like! Good luck.

Just want to say good luck @Bubbble . Nurture that feeling of excitement and hopefully your future will be looking better soon, starting with you getting your career and financial independence back. Don't dwell on the wasted years, there's no point beating yourself up about having believed the good in someone. That reflects on what a decent person you are and what a shit he is for deceiving you and taking advantage of your love and kindness. Onwards and upwards! 🍀

Yes, it was my fault for going along with his bullshit. Never again.

I had the opportunity to talk with my late husband’s ex wife. It was like looking into a mirror. Don’t beat yourself up, just take action going forward. The impossible becomes possible when it is reality.

Look on NHS jobs website for you area, you don't have to go back to nursing if you don’t want to, there will be lots of other opportunities for someone with medical knowledge on there. Take anything to get your foot back in the door, and your escape plan moving.
Definitely do not book a holiday with him, use the money on a divorce lawyer instead.

I know it probably doesn't feel like it but you have really valuable, sought after skills! You were a registered nurse and you can be again.

You need to get back to full time work, pay into your pension and squirrel away as much as you can.

Ignore him as much as you can. You are living with an abusive housemate not really a husband.

One day soon you'll have your own place and peace. I've always described my home as my bullet proof vest and yours will be too!

Any man who claims his ex-wife was abusive is a red flag for me.
There may be some exceptions but ...

darling start getting your paperwork together and leave this prince of men
or look forward to another TEN years of this fuckery

My ethos is usually first & foremost to save marriages where at all possible especially where young children are involved.

On this occasion I have no hesitation in saying if I was in your position I would be preparing for divorce ASAP. As a Registered nurse you are a trained professional albeit your registration has expired. Things change & to get back on the register you will probably have to do some extra training. In the meantime there are lots of options such as agency & bank nursing in a support role until your registration is reinstated. Your confidence under those dreadful circumstances will have Diminished. When you find the strength to fight back & you are back on the horse you can ride into the sunset & not look back. 🐴💐

Sounds like you've wasted 10 years of your life with this miserable loser - don't waste another day! Get a job and get a divorce.

People don’t change, they just get worse with age usually.

It’s 2025, you don’t need to fantasise about him having an affair. You can just end it. Tell him ‘I’m seeing a solicitor on Thursday. I have booked an appointment. I want a divorce and I’m going to copy and paste the exact reasons Sandra gave when she divorced you. Have a think about whether you want to stay in the house, or if you’d be happy for me to buy you out’.

Oh.

People don't change. He never did, it sounds like.

What about an occy health role?

He convinced you to come out of your pension
He convinced you to go part time
He convinced you to leave your job
He convinced you his ex was lying
Is ANYTHING your fault?

Op to be fair this is a point, we all see all the bad in people when things are revealed to us, but you used to drink and argue together, you left your job. You changed it’s just he didn’t. All ex wives will say ‘good luck’ in a sarcastic way, they had good times the way you did too.

Apologies, I haven't read the full thread yet, and someone has probably commented the same, but this is all part of the abusive behaviour that isolates you and makes you reliant on them, so you can't leave.

I left my abusive ex in 2024. I've recently heard he's met someone new. How I wish I could warn her.

Of course, all his exes before me were 'crazy'.

God, I hate these men!

Your eyes have been opened. This is great as you can now make plans. I don’t think it would be sensible to LTB right away. Get your PIN back (having the PIN will give more options and better earning potential), get back into paying pension/work, and then you can figure the other stuff out. You’ll get there :)

Give over. He's a nasty, verbally abusive, sullen alcoholic. There, I fixed it for you.