I don’t want this life, I want my old one.

[Ionlydrinkcokeafewtimesperyear]

Dd is now at school and i’m back to work almost full time (one day off a week)
I went to the shopping mall type place today and felt so sad. I used to regularly take Dd, go for a coffee, play places, choose her new, gorgeous clothes to buy. Every day was something nice ti do and somewhere to go or we’d stay in and do crafts or play in the garden, read, bake etc. Even walking the dog isn’t the same, memories of her running in front in her wellies in the fields, now is just Ddog and I, no little chatter beside me.
I miss my mum group too, we’d regularly meet at play grounds and became close, now everyone is back at work.
They were the best days, I wish they hadn’t ended, things just seem grey and stressful and boringly work based

Do something you can’t do with a small child every so often like getting a massage. Try to change the narrative that this is a positive as I couldn’t get this massage if I had DD her.

It’s super sad them starting school, I cried a lot. But try to focus on some positives. The school holidays are going to be even more precious.

Can you book some mini holiday that wouldn’t be able to afford if you didn’t work? Then during that mini break it’s all about thinking, I go to work to give my DD this experience

Hi, my children are all adults now but I remember when my oldest started school how bereft I felt. It was like the end of an era of us all at home in our own little bubble. It took time and I adjusted and really enjoyed the holidays and also seeing my children develop their own little life.
It was probably a little easier for me as I had other children at home and more time to adjust. Be kind to yourself and own how you feel but also try and re frame your thoughts little by little and enjoy seeing your little one make their own way little by little.

Like all change, you'll get used to it and adapt. Make weekends a special time instead.

I miss my children being little, but I truly love their adapting lives. I love them wanting to help me and telling me to rest. I love them being able to reach cupboards that I can't. I love my son telling me what he has learnt at Uni, and debating topics. I love my daughter "spilling the T' every day after school and stealing my clothes. I have loved watching them become self sufficient. I love the fact they still hug me but now I fit into their arms, rather than them fitting into mine. I love that I'm still their Mummy who they turn to. I love that we still snuggle up together.

Yes, they're older, independent and have their own lives that don't always involve me. But just like I feel with my own Mum, that bond is permanent and just grows year on year, from protectiveness to pride, to security and warmth.

Treasure all moments, and don't miss out on the present joy by pining for the past

Xx

Aw, I hear you.
My youngest is now 16. I was lucky enough to be a sahm with him till he started school. I still miss our mummy and 'Tom' days.
Each stage is a new adventure though, now mums taxi rides provide that bit of time where he'll sit and chat (and can't escape)

You eventually find the joys in the new stages. I miss having a baby, my youngest is now is school so I’ve deleted all the toddler/ pre schooler social media stuff. But on the other side watching her learn to read, taking her to more exciting activists at the weekend- watching Traitors with my eldest. Don’t miss the current stage for looking back.

You can still have all that though - evenings and weekends are made for fun!

She is enjoying herself, being with her friends and learning loads of new things.

You also get to focus on yourself and your career - being a mum is only 1 part of you.

And what an incredible role model you are to her showing that you work and provide, as well as take care of her and yourself.

Can you drop your hours at all? Maybe another day. If you were able to afford being off all this time maybe it’s possible. I enjoy the days when I am able to pick them up from school and take them to the park. We always do that on a Friday still and you can make new mum friends that are off at the same time.

Also in the primary school years you find new things about them to bring you joy. I love watching mine do their sports of choice. For my boys it’s football and my daughter dancing and regular dancing competitions. Never thought I would be a dance mum but watching her compete brings so much joy.

I look back with such fondness for all the days out I used to spend with the kids. Happy happy days, but bloody hard work too. Life really does move on and you have to find other things.

I think I’m going to be you in a year! I had two close together, only 19 months apart. I had 13 months off with my first and then back to work (but wfh) for a few months and now I’m taking extended maternity leave (18 months) with my second which I’m around a third the way through. I adore my days spending them with the children, watching them grow up and being their little playmate. I often say I keep forgetting that I’m on maternity leave and that soon I’ll be back to my day job! I feel so so incredibly lucky to have had the opportunity to stay off work so long with my children but my god my heart hurts when I think that this time next year I’ll be back in work and they’ll be in nursery full time, life just won’t be the same. I was a workaholic before the children were born, often working 60+ hours a week in a demanding senior management role so I don’t even know where to begin finding a balance. Just hoping I win big on premium bonds before then!!

I skimmed your message and thought your daughter was grown up and had left home, but she's 5?! She's still such a little girl and you've got lots of time with her. The early school years are smashing- they become little independent people with their own minds and interests and they start excelling in certain areas. It is such a wonderful time, and many people would love to be back at the phase you're in now

The way I dealt with it, also one DC (with ND, & a twin stillborn), was - it's better than the alternative. It's better than having a child eternally 4, when you never get to see them get older. It's better than not having one. It's better than not being here for them as they grow up.
Basically it is a privilege to get to the point you're at.
Reframing it helped a lot for me.

I have to add that my four children have the best of friends.
Within each circle are fabulous only children.
Those children's parents have each made their households the most welcoming homes for their childrens friends.
Its impressive!!!
MY children ADORE these parents.
MY children think these parents are the best.
They are almost like a deeply genuine surrogate.
They see my children way more than family that live very far awa.
So my children really love them.

My advice to you OP is to make your home that home.
The best home.
It is definitely what I would do.

Do home ed it’s the best! You won’t regret it

Could you change your hours so you work a bit on Wednesdays and pick her up a few days a week? That way, you will have lots of afternoons every week plus weekends. Picking them up after school is also something to enjoy

I never thought I'd miss those days, but I do. I stayed home a bit longer after they started school & we still had school holidays together - whole afternoons at the park, a treat at the shops, etc. I cherished those days, but, I think, not enough. I couldn't wait for them to become less dependent, but this was mostly because everyone was telling me how fabulous it was when they're older.

Now they're older & I'm working mon-fri & barely have any time with them & the oldest is now 13 and not interested!

I still have DD9 but she's already starting to want time with friends instead of me.

It's how it's supposed to go, and since both are ND it's a huge relief to us every time we see them living a normal life. But, it's still hard to adjust to not having that simple fun and watching them break away from us.

I don't blame you. I actually think it's really selfish of older people to expect their kids to care for them, it's a bone of contentuon of mine. I see it so much with people a few years older than me getting roped into elder care. My parents are SOL if they expect that from me, not gonna happen.

Adding to my earlier post, I know you’re talking about the way your life/ days have changed rather than just them growing up in general, but IMO it’s often tied together.

I really struggled with not having a baby, and then not having a toddler anymore, especially knowing there would only ever be one and having loved that part of my life so much and really feeling like I came into my own in that phase.

I don’t think I fully connected with what everyone says about every phase having its special parts and the joy of it all evolving and the changing relationship. For a while there it was like she was still incredibly full on and demanding, we still didn’t get much sleep, except now I just had less time with her but school runs and longer work hours and everything else that comes with it to navigate instead.

Recently though it’s kind of clicked. I miss the cute baby/ toddler/ preschooler but we have the best chats now, we crack each other up, it’s amazing seeing her making great progress at school and hearing all about her day and her friendships AND she’s getting a little easier/ less full on overall. But also she’s still just the sweetest thing at times and wants all the lovely cuddles etc. This is actually a lovely phase of more independence balanced with them still being your baby.

( If I was posting this last week I’d even say we finally cracked the sleep thing but we seem to be having a bit of a wobble currently so the jury is out. )

I see how much school benefits her too, she was itching to get back after the holidays she’s such a social little thing and really loves it, so that makes it a lot easier.

OP, I found this very moving and sad. Do you want to tell us more about why you can’t have more children? I know I’m lucky to have two, but I wanted three (as did DH, and I would happily have had more)! I wasn’t able to have any more after DC2. We tried and I had lots of chemical pregnancies and one later miscarriage, but I was 38 when I had DC2 and by the time we were trying for another baby I was almost 42 (thanks Covid!).

I had to go back to work when DC1 was 9 months, and again with DC2. So I didn’t have the long days you describe. I imagine that makes it worse. But I have never worked long hours and used to spend a lot of time with them in the afternoon doing the things you describe.

I had to stop going to Lidl because we always went after nursery, and DC2 would always be excited about buying bananas (even though we always had them), and then DC1 would be excited about going on the little car merry-go-round outside. Then I would go by myself and be in tears before I got to the back of the fruit and veg.

I say this only on the basis of my own experience, but what I was really mourning was my inability to have more children. Now they’re older and I’ve accepted that. I see other parents around me feeling preemptively sad about the end of primary school (and, in reality, a child of 5 or 6 is still completely dependent on you and in love with to the exclusion of all others — continuous with a toddler — but a child of 11+ is not!) but I’m coping pretty well. I am sad about DC getting older and growing away; but the intensity of my tears in Lidl was to do with wanting another baby and not being able to have one.

She’s only at school! Mine started last year too and I agree it’s an adjustment but you have the weekends to do all those things with her, plus everyday after school (if you’re only working during school hours). Dwelling on the negative aspects of it rather than feeling grateful for what you have leads to more misery. My child’s father left me when she was 3 and got 50/50 custody. Be grateful you don’t have to spend half your child’s life away from them cos that really does suck. Sounds like you’re not stimulated enough by your job, might be worth focusing on finding something more exciting. I know that when my DD’s at her dad’s if I’m busy & distracted by work I don’t miss her as much

How old is she?

It is a happy time when children are little, and very hard to have that time come to an end. I remember that sadness very well, and my youngest is now 24.

How wonderful for both of you that you are the kind of mother that fully enjoys that time together- your love and closeness are not gone- they will always be with you, and those times will continue, in a different way.
Nothing is quite like those early years though--

Aww so sorry, completely empathise with what you’ve written ❤️
I’m 48 now, so too old, still have a frozen embryo from when I was younger, but 48 is too old for most people

I loved those years too, and also only managed the one DC unfortunately. But there are still plenty of amazing times ahead, its just a tough adjustment to schooling and full time work again!

She’s 5.

Late summer birthday so only just 5 when she started year 1. Made it a bit harder with reception because I felt like I was almost robbed of the extra time if she’d come a bit later we could have had another year (realistically it would have been tough financially though!)

I sobbed when she finished reception too, absolutely sobbed and completely surprised myself (not in front of her!). I think it felt like the official end of her being ‘little’. But it wasn’t, she’s still little! It just goes very fast.

I feel like this with my DD (also late July.) I wish she was September so I could have another year with her when she’s four,
four is such a lovely age.

I would happily return a two year old however!