Mum wants my 14yo brother to come stay and I feel awful saying I cant

[oBoltFire]

My mum rang me this morning and basically asked if my 14yo brother could come and stay with us for a bit because he’s been really out of character this past week, withdrawn, not himself at all and apparently yesterday she found him crying in his room which she says is very unlike him. They live in Belfast and we’re near London so its not like popping round the corner, it would be him getting on a plane and coming to us properly, and my heart is in bits thinking about him being that upset and feeling like he cant talk to anyone. At the same time I feel sick with guilt because I genuinely dont know how we could make it work. We’re in a tiny 2 bed flat with three small kids, baby still in with us, girls sharing, no spare room, no sofa bed, no space full stop, and life already feels so full on and loud and relentless. Mornings are chaos, nights are broken, I barely feel like Im keeping my head above water as it is and the idea of adding a grieving or struggling teenager into that mix feels overwhelming in a way that makes me feel like a terrible person for even thinking it. My mum sounded so tired and worried and I know she was hoping I’d say yes straight away because I’m the older sister and I live “over there” where things might feel different or calmer, but they aren’t. I keep thinking what if he really needs to get away, what if this is serious and I’m just saying no because it’s inconvenient, and then I feel selfish and cold and awful, but I also dont want to say yes and then not be able to cope or give him what he actually needs.

I dont know if I’m being unreasonable to say I cant do this, at least not right now, or if it’s sensible to admit my limits and push for another solution closer to home for him. I’m worried about him, genuinely, and I dont want to be the sister who shut the door when he was struggling, but I also know our setup and how fragile I feel at the moment. Am I being selfish here or is it ok to say this is too much and try to help in another way? Sorry this is long and probably sounds heartless, I’m just really torn.

Your mother should not have asked you. She must know your living situation. Honestly, you don't have the capacity in every sense of the word at the moment.

Your brother does need help though so I would encourage your mother to seek some counselling for him.

So your mother wants rid of DB is how I’m reading this? Newish bloke and brood of extra kids in the house. Does she need the bedroom space? Guessing this isn’t the first time she’s moved a bloke in…?

Call social services and the school and get them involved.

Mark my words, if you agree to this, your DB will arrive with all his belongings and it won’t just be for a few weeks.

You do not have the space or the headspace to take on an adolescent without damaging your own family unit. Don’t set yourself on fire keeping other people warm.

I agree with this too.

My BIL did this.
He moved his new partner in and found it was too cramped and the gf wanted more space.
He claimed there was an issue with DDs room so she couldn’t stay there until it was sorted.
Then he said he found rubbish and so she was banned from having a bedroom and he decorated it for the gfs DC within a week.
She was ‘allowed’ to sleep on the front room floor but they wouldn’t go bed until early hours and so she had to stay awake if she wanted to be there.
He basically pushed her out.

I would want my DB to stay with me if possible but I’d make it clear that it can’t be longer than 3/4 days.

Its a red flag that the mum seems to want him to come for weeks even though she’s meant to be homeschooling him.

OP says her mum hasn’t bothered coming to visit her since she’s got with her new partner.

She definitely seems the type to put her new partners over her own kids.

I'm not going to post what I would like to about your DM.
There is a middle ground here though OP. Ring your brother, let him talk and really listen to him.
Explain your situation to him so that he is aware you love him but just don't have room to let him move in.
Try to gently persuade him that seeking outside professional support is a good idea then help him to access this.
You can provide so much support over facetime, without him being with you 24/7.
Also, from your updates, it sounds like your mother is not the best. Could you tell her that she needs to step up and put her son first, not pack him off.

Once he is with you your mum won’t want him back whilst she is with current partner, I would put money on it

Say no but still reach out to him somehow.

After reading all your updates, I'd say your brother's issue is the fact his Mum has moved in a boyfriend and his children. In the 14 years that your brother has been on this earth, has there been a succession of boyfriends that your Mum has moved in/prioritised over your brother??? My guess is, that there has. Is your brother the only sibling of yours still living at home? Does he have his own space at home? Is he expected to share with a child of his Mum's boyfriend?? Could the boyfriend be being abusive towards your brother?

Your brother is deeply unhappy. The chaos of your home, to him, sounds far more appealing than living at home with a random man and his children.

You don't have the space for your brother, that's fact. You can't magic space up for him. What about school? He's 14, and is coming up to crucial years for exams. He needs to be in school. If he 'visits', I can guarantee it will end up being permanent. He won't want to go home and your Mum won't want him back.

Is there anyway that you could move? Are you in a mortgaged property? Renting via a private landlord? Or renting via social housing? You need to look into your options. What about schools in the local area?

Sadly, your brother needs someone who is going to prioritise his needs over their own. Your Mum, doesn't appear to have done this and seems incapable of doing so. You aren't in a position to take your brother on either - that's not a criticism of you, it's simple fact.

You could notify the school regarding your concerns? The school must have contacted your Mum regarding your brother's attendance. She's supposedly 'home-schooling' him, but this is clearly not the case. She seems completely unbothered by the lack of education your brother is receiving. Is your brother not wanting to go to school or is your Mum keeping him off? Withdrawing a child from school, is often a sign that a child is being neglected or abused. I'm not suggesting your Mum is abusing him, but it's entirely possible the new boyfriend could be. I think you need to contact the school, usually there is a Safeguarding Lead, which will be listed on the school website. The red flag here is that your brother hasn't behaved like this before, it's something that's happened recently.

There are some red flags here. I'd be extremely concerned about what this new partner might be doing and your mum deciding to home school him has now isolated him from the oversight of the authorities. I know it feels impossible, but I think I would have to let him come for a weekend at least to give him a chance to talk where he feels safer.

Ok so his /your mother is chaotic.
You have small kids you cannot give him what he needs.
Call belfast ss raise a,safeguarding.
He isnt getting education. He may / likely need mh support.
Why has his school not raised an alarm?
You do not have space to be a kinship carer full time for ?next 5 years. Is he likely to pass exams? Go to uni?
Is there another relative in belfast?
Get ss involved, family group conference type meeting involve his gp and former teachers to get full picture.
He sees you as only way out stability but you need to be realistic

Honestly I think I'd take him. Yeah it's shit. You can barely manage as it is. But this poor kids. His mum just can't be arsed with him anymore.

It would be on a very strict thing of, she pays his plane ticket and pays you support. He stays out of trouble, goes to school every day without trouble and helps out.

If you really really can't. Then you need to be ringing social services to get him some support.

Is it possible that he will actually help you out with the kids? So it might actually help you having an extra pair of hands?

Do not take your brother on. I know that sounds awful, but dealing with a depressed teen on top of three young children is irresponsible.

The issue is that your brother is lonely and isolated. He has been told he is being homeschooled? Homeschooling required hours of attention every day. He is clearly not getting that. He should be in school. He should be with friends. Your mother is greatly letting him down and now trying to palm the issue off onto you.

How fair would it be to have a teen sleeping on your sofa, probably late into the day without school to attend, taking up the living space in an already crowded flat. It’s insane and the fact your mother thinks this is the break needed is telling…because the break appears to be for her more than anyone else.

I am with another poster who said they would consider involving SS. Your mother is frankly a disgrace. I work with young people and I would certainly be reporting if I became aware of a situation like this with one of my families.

This is not your guilt or shame.

If you really want to explore taking him on contsct What is kinship care? - Kinship https://share.google/V2VcS5ATxpbQjYSNq

Make it a formal arrangement get whatever benefits child benefit. Get special guardianship or whatever so you can make decisions.
But if your space does not allow for this (he needs his own bedroom) then if his mum is giving up it might be foster care? Either way get ss involved so he has support he needs

Yes, I agree, but was wondering if financial support were available, it might help OP get more space. I dunno - it would take some looking into. Charities like the one I linked to would be able to advise.

I don’t see how you can have him stay given the circumstances.

However, I’d be considering getting in touch with maybe his school or social services tbh. Your mum has moved a new partner in, has told your brother he’s being home schooled but doesn’t seem to be doing that, and now wants to send him away for a few weeks (I’d bet money she’ll push for you to keep him longer and longer). He sounds in a very vulnerable position with a mother who, no offence, sounds like she doesn’t give a shit.

Your issue would be taking him in but with no child benefit no ability to make decisions or to enrol him at school or gp as his mother would retain parental responsibility.. You know it wont be a weekend "break" . Get informed get advice. Better for your brother long term in his crucial teen years.

Rather convenient that she wants to send him away at the same time as deciding to home school!

Well there is nowhere for him to stay.
He won't get any respite sleeping ona sofa with two small kids waking up early and a baby all using the only living room.
You could offer a long weekend potentially but anymore than that is going to be detrimental for everyone.
Can you set up a weekly check in call with him for a start? Maybe just knowing you are there to talk to might be something you can do.
Can they both come over and stay nearby?
Can your mum take him for a week away somewhere, if they cant travel then just a change of scenery, caravan holiday or something and you join with baby?
Also is he at school? What was your mum thinking about that?

Can they both come over and stay nearby?

Updates from op suggest mum is too busy with new man, other kids. From what is said just wants to be rid of14 yr old

I think the comments about trying to see if you can "make something work" as it would be nice for your kids to spend time with their uncle and help him have a different perspective are lacking in common sense. I can't see how you can fit three children plus a teenager plus you and your partner into a tiny two bedroom flat - there is no reasonable way in which that could work. You simply cannot have a teenage boy share with little girls even if they are his nieces. Also spending time with depressed people - who are acting as if they are bereaved - is not a fun for little children or the OP or the OP's partner. It can cast a pall of gloom over the whole house. I am failing to see how a 14 year old who is not in school and is miserable is a positive role model for OP's children, uncle or not.

I have read all your posts now.
I actually think the outcome your mum wants is for you to feel so guilty you offer to become his legal guardian.
Tbh, if he is being pushed out of his home by a new partner and kids and a mother that wants to ship him off, would you consider it?
Are you able to claim anything to support him if he did come and live with you?
It kind of seems your mother wants him out the picture and he is feeling this too.
If he did come you would have to put clear expectations. Like attending school and helping around the house. What was your longer term plan with your housing? Were you looking at upsizing in the near future?
Its not ideal but potentially you could say, no to right now as it is logistically impossible, but you will look into if he came permanently what the steps are to take him in seeing as noone seems to want to help him where he is now.

I would say clearly that right now you can not take him even for a few weeks, but if they are unwilling to find him the support there, you will start the process of looking into legal guardianship, housing, benefits, schools and if any maintenance would be required to be paid from your mum to permanently house him.
You will then get your answer as to whether your brother is just being awkward or if your mum or her partner really just wants him out of the way.
If they jump at the chance for you to take him permanently then you know he is unwanted and in that case it sounds like you would want to try and help him. But it needs to work properly not knee jerk, send him away for two weeks and hope for the best.

So it's more that your mother and her new boyfriend don't want an inconvenient 14 year old interfering with their lives.

No wonder he's unhappy - seems quite convenient that her actions so far have been to separate him from safeguarding oversight as well (claiming EHE to get him off the radar).

I really think that, as it's very possible she's already sent the withdrawal letter to the school, so they don't have the legal right to continue to monitor his safety and wellbeing, you need to get in contact with Social Services and explain what she and her boyfriend are doing/trying to do - it may be that it'll be appropriate for him to go into Local Authority Care so he can go to school and stay around his friends, as although they could be able to help make kinship care possible (and help improve your housing situation/provide access to financial support as part of that - she wouldn't be able to keep any benefits she currently receives for him, obviously, which is probably another reason why she's trying to force this on you instead), it's ridiculous and frankly abusive that her great idea is to send him to live in another country, no friends, different education system, unsuitable housing with his sister and her infant children.

There isnt really any wider family over there at all. She was living here originally and moved over when she was pregnant because she thought there might be something with his dad and wanted to give it a go, but it wasnt a relationship, it was a one night thing and obviously that didnt work out long term. Since then she’s been fairly isolated and I’m the only consistent family link he’s had. I used to visit and take him out and do proper time with him during school holidays right up until covid and then I had my eldest not long after, she’s 4 now, and things just sort of tailed off with travel because life got bigger and more complicated here.

People have asked if this is a long list of men and honestly yes, it is. When she gets into a relationship she tends to disappear a bit and stop visiting and everything revolves around that new setup until it falls apart and then it’s chaos again. This one feels more intense because there are other kids involved and it’s all happened quite fast, which is probably why he’s struggling so much. I havent met this partner in person and that in itself doesnt sit well with me.

Re housing, we’re renting privately, no mortgage, two bed flat. We are on a decent tenancy but it’s not social housing and there’s no immediate prospect of moving somewhere bigger. Rent round here is wild and with three small kids we’re just about keeping our heads above water as it is. Moving isnt on the cards in the near future, it’s more of a vague future hope than anything concrete. There are good schools locally yes, but that’s not something I can realistically get into right now given everything else going on.

I’ve spoken to Mum again this morning and she’s still very fixed on the idea that she just wants him out of the house for a bit because she thinks the environment there isnt helping him, but she doesnt seem to hear how serious it is that he’s not been settled or in any routine for weeks. I feel like I’m being pulled into something much bigger than a visit and that’s what’s making my stomach drop. I care about him so much and I hate that he’s hurting, but I also cant pretend I have solutions I just dont have.

I agree with pp, contact social services, having them call round might be a wake up call for your DM. If your DB does end up living with you it needs to be done properly so you have parental rights etc for your DB and you can claim the appropriate financial benefits. Also to protect your DB from your DM suddenly demanding he return to her in the future when her latest boyfriend has left and he has settled in with you.

If she thinks that the environment isn't helping him-why doesn't she change it?

Well I know why of course!