Mum wants my 14yo brother to come stay and I feel awful saying I cant

[oBoltFire]

My mum rang me this morning and basically asked if my 14yo brother could come and stay with us for a bit because he’s been really out of character this past week, withdrawn, not himself at all and apparently yesterday she found him crying in his room which she says is very unlike him. They live in Belfast and we’re near London so its not like popping round the corner, it would be him getting on a plane and coming to us properly, and my heart is in bits thinking about him being that upset and feeling like he cant talk to anyone. At the same time I feel sick with guilt because I genuinely dont know how we could make it work. We’re in a tiny 2 bed flat with three small kids, baby still in with us, girls sharing, no spare room, no sofa bed, no space full stop, and life already feels so full on and loud and relentless. Mornings are chaos, nights are broken, I barely feel like Im keeping my head above water as it is and the idea of adding a grieving or struggling teenager into that mix feels overwhelming in a way that makes me feel like a terrible person for even thinking it. My mum sounded so tired and worried and I know she was hoping I’d say yes straight away because I’m the older sister and I live “over there” where things might feel different or calmer, but they aren’t. I keep thinking what if he really needs to get away, what if this is serious and I’m just saying no because it’s inconvenient, and then I feel selfish and cold and awful, but I also dont want to say yes and then not be able to cope or give him what he actually needs.

I dont know if I’m being unreasonable to say I cant do this, at least not right now, or if it’s sensible to admit my limits and push for another solution closer to home for him. I’m worried about him, genuinely, and I dont want to be the sister who shut the door when he was struggling, but I also know our setup and how fragile I feel at the moment. Am I being selfish here or is it ok to say this is too much and try to help in another way? Sorry this is long and probably sounds heartless, I’m just really torn.

@oBoltFire that is so sad. Your Mum is behaving very selfishly across multiple aspects, taking in a new family situation, not supporting your brother with school, attempting to ship him off, making this your problem every one of those are her problem that she is pushing onto others.

The level of responsibility you feel should be what your Mum feels but I suspect she has been avoiding responsibility long before now and that is while you are feeling so much responsibility for your brother. She has made you feel responsible from an early age so she can carry on behaving recklessly.

You cannot fix your brothers’s situation but you can keep the conversations going with him. He is miserable because he needs safety and protection and connection and to be loved and valued by his mother and he is not getting that. You cannot replace that. Not without serious rupture that he will also need to recover from. You can clarify your role as his sister and say that as a sister you can be there to support him but you cannot replace his mother, you can be an ear for him to speak out about his pain and you can take him away and visit him on and off and him with you but you can’t fix his mother.

Gosh your mum sounds like the monster, not you! I understand how torn apart you must feel and I bet you’ve had a lifetime of being made to feel responsible by your mum, but you really need to focus on yourself and your children right now.

Given the update re. homeschooling, is your mum expecting you to school him during his visit on top of caring for your three children?

It sounds as though your mum is being selfish while expecting you to be selfless. I think you need to have a very frank conversation with her, explaining that she needs to put your brother first and that is her legal and moral responsibility. Keep in regular contact with your brother and try and visit when life calms down, but in the immediate don’t have him to visit.

I think your mum is desperate and can’t think of anything to do to help him except getting him a break away. She’s clearly thought of you because you live away from their area. However your set up isn’t suitable and you need to gently explain that and suggest that she bring your brother for a weekend and stay in an Airbnb close by

Your mother sounds emotionally immature and I suspect you’ve had years of her nonsense. However, there’s a young lad struggling and you clearly care about his welfare, so could you set up a phone call or zoom and have a good chat with him? Be that supportive big sister and check in with him. See what’s causing his distress? It may be that he’s being bullied at school or something and he can’t talk to your mum about it. Perhaps have a weekly check in with him, that way he knows he’s got you to rely on.

You can support from afar as it’s not possible, or fair on you, for your mum to relinquish her parental responsibilities by sending him to stay with you.

To send a crying child away is appalling, talk about wash your hands of the issue. Poor boy

So basically your mum has got some new bloke and can’t be bothered with her son. You need to stand firm OP. This is not your problem to sort out. Your mum sounds a bloody disgrace. Don’t be railroaded into sorting out her problems. You can be supportive from afar. Say you and your husband have discussed the situation and there isn’t a way it can work. Then the decision isn’t just on you.

OP, so your DM has got a new bloke who brings with him more DC: your DB is being made the problem, and she has given up on him to the extent that she can’t even be bothered to ensure that he goes to school. This is not your problem, OP - you have more than enough to do with two young children and a baby in already overcrowded living circumstances. Do not jeopardise your own relationship by agreeing to take in your brother - I know it’s a horrible situation for him, but your DM is just wanting to wash her hands of her own responsibilities and make your DB your problem rather than hers. You are not in a position to be able to take him on - and if he comes over and things go wring (as they almost certainly will, given your living circumstances) then he will be in an even worse position than he is now. Your DM is trying to guilt you into taking responsibility for your DB and you mustn’t let her. Talk to your DB and point out to him that if he abandons his education, he’s jeopardising his chances of future success. It sounds as though it would be better for him to go to school anyway, so that there will be responsible adults involved with him - I’m sorry, OP, but your DM is behaving in a shockingly irresponsible way. Of course you feel for your DB, but you can’t afford to jeopardise your own family. You have three DC who depend on you, and your first responsibility is to them.

Your mum sounds like a piece of work.

I personally would let him come for a long weekend.

Tell your mum that you think any longer sill be too much for him and you don’t want him missing school etc.

Say if the weekend works well then you’ll consider longer in the future.

Chances are he’s going to hate it.
He’s at an age where he wants to be alone.

I hope your mum is doing this for the right reasons.
I’d want him to come for the weekend partly because I’d hope if anything was going on then he’d tell me.

Can your mum not take him away for a weekend?

Could you contact the school and let them know you have concerns about him maybe they can arrange welfare check and support

His home isn’t his home anymore. Home educating isn’t sending him away. He needs your mum to step up. You shouldn’t be made to feel guilty he isn’t your child. Has he been to the gp or cahms he needs therapy I expect.

Some of these replies are bloody wild!
Foster him, peeling veg, online games, limit it to three weeks…. What are they smoking?

The fact he has been withdrawn from school just as a new man moved into the property?
I would be contacting his school Safeguarding Officer and Social Services.
If you can find out the name of the latest paramour, a check with the police may be an idea.

Do you have any old friends there who you can get in touch with who can cast an eye on the situation?

OP doesn't have the space and has her hands full with 3 kids.
This is a lot to handle.

If her mum was dead that would be different, but 3 kids in a 2 bedroom flat and her own DH/DP is a lot.

These things our pressure on a relationship.

Tbh it reads more she wants him to go as well, I'm.sure she loves him and is worried about him but her strategies aren't working and she'd be easier if he was out of sight really. Perhaps wrong but that's just the impression I get, especially when she must know your living situation.

Clearly living with a newish person either a blended family that probably isn't working is what is upsetting your nephew, and him.clearing off for a few weeks might ease the "burden" of responsibility for a few weeks but it isn't a solution, as a mother myself my.mind boggles that she isn't facing this head on and talking with him for a solution. Did she move in too early with this fella? Does your nephew like him?

Another issue is, how are you to supervise another child? He's 14, you jeed to know where he is etc, if he's not at school and visiting you he'll be hanging around a flat or having to follow your routine with the baby. More likely he'll want to be out and about, might want to be in London etc but it's your responsibility essentially when he's there as the grown up he's staying with.

It's just a minefield, and it isn't the right solution.

Your mother is being very selfish here, you simply don't have the space to accommodate this. Your dB needs to see the gp and discuss what's going on . Your mother is neglecting his emotional and educational needs and trying to make you responsible for them instead. Put the guilt aside , could you contact social services and make them Aware he hasn't been to school for a start and work from there. I don't think moving him is going to be a solution. Your dm seems to be prioritising her new partner over her child.

I tend to agree with you.
Her mum won't have the brother back once he's out of the house.

The schooling reason is the main one why he should not come to you, every effort should be made to get him back into school.

The suggestion of contacting the school if your mum won't is a valid one.

A visit to you for a few days over Easter if he has gone back to school regularly could be something to suggest.

It sounds like your brother isn’t coping at all and your mum’s first instinct is to send him away.

I understand she’s probably tired and has hopefully done more to support him but really he needs his mum there showing she loves him and supports him. I don’t think she’s fully explained that seeing you means no privacy or down time.

Your mum mentioned he hasn’t been going to school and now he’s said about being home schooled, I think you need to find out more about this. Has something happened at school that he’s now avoiding it? Why would your mum mention home schooling to him?

You’re stuck in a terrible position. Of course you feel pressure to help and want to be there for your brother but realistically I’m not certain it’s the best place for him. I think you need to make your mum realise that you’re not set up to care for a teenager as well as your own children. Suggest again that she can visit with him and stay in a hotel or he could come for a weekend but make sure return flights are booked. Staying potentially long term isn’t an option. A week will also not solve things as he will return to an environment he’s not happy in.

He won't talk to her because she is the problem perhaps, sounds like he'd have to vocalise that he doesn't like his living situation and knows that by voicing it she'd either choose to continue it to his detriment or she'd have to change it to hers and he feels guilty. Who knows.

Perhaps a weekend visit with return flights booked and paid for will give him the space to to talk to you, you have enough on your plate but it sounds like it would ease your mind. It'll be a tiring weekend and it's nit your responsibility but you do sound like a responsible and loving big sister so perhaps seeing you face to face will help him.open up.

However your mum needs to know its a weekend and that's it, no argument. And if she pushes for more then really probe into that with her, why is it easier to have her son out of the household?

@oBoltFire
She is living with a newish partner and there are more kids in the house now, his and hers. She said earlier that she was thinking more like a few weeks rather than a short visit.

That's the problem. He's disturbing them all with his change of mood. He probably feels like he's lost his safe space in his home and now his mum is giving more of her time to other people he didn't ask to come stay, and you aren't in a position to help either. Poor kid. Are there no other siblings you can call on?

I agree. There are some ridiculous responses.

A lot of guilt tripping replies too. Either those people haven't read the updates, or they have and they just aren't able to see the issues at hand.

Sorry but your mum is being totally unreasonable. Her son is very upset and instead of dealing with it herself she 'wants him out the house'. Poor kid. It is her who should be feeling guilty not you.

your poor brother. No doubt he's feeling very unwanted. Your mother seems to be prioritising her relationships and wants her kid out of the way. You have your own kids and no room.
Personally, if my DM was treating my DB like this, I'd call social services local to him and flag it up anonymously and see if they can keep an eye on him and support him to get to school, get GP help. Failing that, I'd take him into my home. Buy a cheapy sofa bed. Get him enrolled in a local school and again ask social services for help managing it all.

You sound truly caring and have been put in an impossible position - don’t feel guilty saying no as you genuinely have no capacity to help.

It strikes me as no coincidence that your brother is struggling and a ‘new partner’ and his children have just moved into his home. Has it occurred to your mum to ask the boyfriend and children to move out?

When I read the title I thought why would you not but based on your living/ space situation I don’t think you can. Although I do think you should explore opportunities to see if you can make something work as might also be nice for your kids to spend time with their uncle and help him have a different perspective.