Mum wants my 14yo brother to come stay and I feel awful saying I cant

[oBoltFire]

My mum rang me this morning and basically asked if my 14yo brother could come and stay with us for a bit because he’s been really out of character this past week, withdrawn, not himself at all and apparently yesterday she found him crying in his room which she says is very unlike him. They live in Belfast and we’re near London so its not like popping round the corner, it would be him getting on a plane and coming to us properly, and my heart is in bits thinking about him being that upset and feeling like he cant talk to anyone. At the same time I feel sick with guilt because I genuinely dont know how we could make it work. We’re in a tiny 2 bed flat with three small kids, baby still in with us, girls sharing, no spare room, no sofa bed, no space full stop, and life already feels so full on and loud and relentless. Mornings are chaos, nights are broken, I barely feel like Im keeping my head above water as it is and the idea of adding a grieving or struggling teenager into that mix feels overwhelming in a way that makes me feel like a terrible person for even thinking it. My mum sounded so tired and worried and I know she was hoping I’d say yes straight away because I’m the older sister and I live “over there” where things might feel different or calmer, but they aren’t. I keep thinking what if he really needs to get away, what if this is serious and I’m just saying no because it’s inconvenient, and then I feel selfish and cold and awful, but I also dont want to say yes and then not be able to cope or give him what he actually needs.

I dont know if I’m being unreasonable to say I cant do this, at least not right now, or if it’s sensible to admit my limits and push for another solution closer to home for him. I’m worried about him, genuinely, and I dont want to be the sister who shut the door when he was struggling, but I also know our setup and how fragile I feel at the moment. Am I being selfish here or is it ok to say this is too much and try to help in another way? Sorry this is long and probably sounds heartless, I’m just really torn.

Why is your mum home schooling? Has he been de registered from school?

He wants to escape, doesn't he? I wish you had a spare room for him, but you don't, so where does your mother think he'll sleep? She's the one who needs to take charge of the situation and be his full-time mum.

My adult DN came to live with me a couple of years ago. She needed to be with me and get her life back on course. But I've got the space and no young children.

Can't your brother help?

You have no option but to take the emotion out of it and look at the cold hard facts and be sensible going forward.
Theres no room for sentimentality in this situation.
Saying yes to her pushy demands will lead to more and more problems for you all for the future.

You are used to being the support and your mum looks to you for affirmation of her impulsive, crazy, love-seeking decisions.
But you shouldn’t give in this time OP.
You must hold her to account in a very serious manner.
What she is doing is very neglectful. She is ruining your brother’s future.
She isn’t meeting her son’s emotional and educational needs and wants to turn her back on him entirely in favour of her lover and his children, even when she can see he is broken.
That’s shameful.

She fully expects you to sort the fall out for her, - no doubt you have always been kindly sympathetic to the consequences of her own ill-thought out actions.

‘No, not this time Mum! We can’t make that work and he should be lawfully in school’

You are already struggling, by your own admittance, to meet your own DC’s needs, just keeping your heads above the water. You must continue to do that by keeping all extra problems at bay. That’s your priority.
Tell her in no uncertain terms that she is letting her own family down and you will have no part in it. Tell her she has to get a grip.

Tell her to support DB back into school properly or you will phone the school and SS yourself, to help him with that…because that is the right thing to do and you will always do the right thing by him until he becomes an adult.

If you really toughen up and show your disapproval, she may take note and think again, instead of this constant pushing until you give in.

It’s not fair on your brother for him to be hopeful that you will ever support this idea in any way.
Tell him he can look forward to a visit in the summer holidays and that you will love and support him in other ways until you see him then.

I agree. This is exactly what social services are for. They can assess urgently. If he is crying out for help he will get it in a positive manner.

Have you told her that instead of her kicking out her poor son she maybe kicks out the latest man in her life and focuses on being a parent?

It sounds like she’s more interested in the boyfriend than her son and wants you to take him on permanently.

Tell her to support DB back into school properly or you will phone the school and SS yourself,

Dont threaten, just act. Call ss anyway. Your brother needs support now

she just wants him out of the house for a bit because she thinks the environment there isnt helping him
She can change it by dumping the new man friend
Well done op for building your own life

Gosh it sounds as though she wants to get rid of him rather than trying to understand what is going on. Poor child

So your mother feels overwhelmed dealing with him on her own, and she thinks you’ll do a better job with three young children in a two bed flat?

When I read your first post I was thinking this was an overreaction from your mum and putting a teenage boy who's feeling a bit sad into a flat with no privacy was an awful idea.

Your updates however sound as if your mum has prioritised her new life, given up on sending him to school and now is giving up on him entirely.

Could you get a larger place to accommodate your brother if your mum contributed financially?

Your really not in the position to have him stay, would think your mother would have more sense than even ask, very unkind to send you on a guilt trip imo
you must say no, …and don’t beat yourself up, invite your mother with him and let them stay in a travel lodge or B&B …. You also must your little ones first …

I wonder if mother is not telling the whole story. Packing an unhappy 14 year old off to relatives for a change of scene might make sense in the summer holidays but this time of year is just odd.

OP & her mom don’t know what is wrong is the problem here .
How do you mean “ I don’t think he should be missing school for this “ ??

No, you can’t do this, OP. Talking about schools is nuts—you don’t have space for a bed for him, let alone a quiet place where he can study for his GCSEs. Mum needs to sort this out herself, rather than relying on her eldest child. Or Dad needs to step up—I’m assuming he’s in NI, as Mum followed him there?

Hi OP. If your brother is at school in Belfast then the school will have a school counsellor in once per week. I would get him to refer himself in... Or get a teacher to do it. I see many YP in this situation and often just having someone to talk to can be so helpful. If there is any risk disclosed (thoughts, self harm etc) this can then be shared with your mum and further help sought. Even if he's not attending regularly he can still refer in. Sometimes phone sessions can be done (depending on the counsellor).

she’s still very fixed on the idea that she just wants him out of the house
That is what its about - she has a new partner and his kids - probably the cause of his upset - and she wants him out.
Not your problem to solve and you shouldn't feel any guilt about it - you literally can't have him - you don't have the space or the time to help him - and if the issue is that he is being ignored/pushed out due to your mum prioritising her new family then you are stuck with him as you can't send him back

You would have to find him a school place, fit into a different curriculum, has he made GCSE choices. How will all this be funded? It’s not really feasible

Your mum needs to step up as the parent here...

This - it sounds like your brother in unhappy due to his home situation, the new boyfriend etc. Your DM should stop being so selfish and put your DB welfare first instead of pushing him out.
I feel sorry for you as you feel guilty and for your DB if he feels unwanted.
I know that it's difficult but tell your DM to look at the home situation before telling you to take him in. Totally unreasonable when you have 3 small children.

You physically can't fit him into your flat.
Mum must be feeling desperate too to even ask.
Maybe a trip over to you staying elsewhere the both of them I wpukd definitely have someone professional intervene .

I agree with @LAMPS1 - she needs to hear some uncomfortable truths and start putting her young son ahead of her love life. Can you suggest to her that she needs to exit the new BF and children?

Exactly. Mum doesn’t sound like the sharpest tool in the shed. Poor boy.

this in spades.

Teenager can sleep on the sofa. They can hang out with girls it might even be easier for you.
It’s a visit/ break the cycle/ change is as good as a rest.

Look at your own kids if think about how you’ve them treat each other.
Set a limit for the duration of visit but i’d 100% have my siblings back and would expect my ids to have each others too

Your Mum is prioritising her new boyfriend and his children over your brother. Your brother is unhappy, and I suspect your Mum is perfectly aware why he's unhappy...a random man and his children have moved in. She's wrapped up in her new boyfriend, and doesn't want your brother upsetting the apple cart for her. Your Mum is clearly a selfish person, who is unwilling to be without a man in her life and incapable of prioritising her son's well-being. Your brother isn't in school, and she's completely unbothered by this. Essentially, your brother is an inconvenience, who's spoiling her time with her boyfriend, so her solution is to push her son onto you.

You can't have your brother living with you, it's not a feasible option. You know perfectly well, it won't be a 'visit', you will end up having your brother live with you permanently.

As others have said, your brother's well-being is paramount. You only have one option and that is to report a safeguarding concern to SS in Belfast. You will need to be honest and tell them the situation. Your Mum is neglecting your brother's emotional and educational needs, at the very least.