Mum wants my 14yo brother to come stay and I feel awful saying I cant

[oBoltFire]

My mum rang me this morning and basically asked if my 14yo brother could come and stay with us for a bit because he’s been really out of character this past week, withdrawn, not himself at all and apparently yesterday she found him crying in his room which she says is very unlike him. They live in Belfast and we’re near London so its not like popping round the corner, it would be him getting on a plane and coming to us properly, and my heart is in bits thinking about him being that upset and feeling like he cant talk to anyone. At the same time I feel sick with guilt because I genuinely dont know how we could make it work. We’re in a tiny 2 bed flat with three small kids, baby still in with us, girls sharing, no spare room, no sofa bed, no space full stop, and life already feels so full on and loud and relentless. Mornings are chaos, nights are broken, I barely feel like Im keeping my head above water as it is and the idea of adding a grieving or struggling teenager into that mix feels overwhelming in a way that makes me feel like a terrible person for even thinking it. My mum sounded so tired and worried and I know she was hoping I’d say yes straight away because I’m the older sister and I live “over there” where things might feel different or calmer, but they aren’t. I keep thinking what if he really needs to get away, what if this is serious and I’m just saying no because it’s inconvenient, and then I feel selfish and cold and awful, but I also dont want to say yes and then not be able to cope or give him what he actually needs.

I dont know if I’m being unreasonable to say I cant do this, at least not right now, or if it’s sensible to admit my limits and push for another solution closer to home for him. I’m worried about him, genuinely, and I dont want to be the sister who shut the door when he was struggling, but I also know our setup and how fragile I feel at the moment. Am I being selfish here or is it ok to say this is too much and try to help in another way? Sorry this is long and probably sounds heartless, I’m just really torn.

Can he stay in a Travelodge or B&B near you?

if He really wants to come, is it worth explaining the busy home situation to him and either asking a friend to accommodate him close by (for sleeping only) or squeezing him in a tiny lounge space so he can rough it.

Your mother is prioritizing her new family and shipping off the problem child with zero concern for the fact that you can’t accommodate him and the environment won’t be the best for him as you won’t be able to focus on him. Your brother probably just wants to be anywhere other than his new blended family. And are you supposed to homeschool him as well? Sounds like your mother needs to parent better. Do not feel pressured into doing this. You are not the only sibling and this is pure manipulation.

She's keeping him off school as well??!

@oBoltFire, no idea whether this could work for you, but might it be worth looking into fostering your brother? https://kinship.org.uk/support-and-advice/advice-and-information/kinship-foster-care/#benefits-and-financial-help

Good that you've spoken to him and you've got more information.
It isn't your problem to solve but it sounds like your mum is being totally useless and unrealistic.
I have some ideas:

1. Report to the school. Possibly even safeguarding/social work, because it sounds like your mum and her new partner are bordering on neglect; like you said it's more than you can handle.
2. Could your mum/you pay for him to stay locally to you? It depends on what kind of 14 year old he is, he might still be way too young, and need too much help for that to be practical. However, it does sound like your mum is wanting him out of the way which might not help in the long run.
3. Does he have a friend locally he can stay at for a couple of nights? Less disruptive, but see above re: your mum getting him out the way
4. Is your mum normally this awful? Is she being controlled by new partner, is she okay? Who's house is it? Can you pay for them both to get away for a bit, her and him?
5. What's the family tree? You're the eldest sister but has he got grandparents, cousins, beyond just you? Do you have a friend in Ireland who you trust? Someone else irl to share the situation with. What about your partners family? Do you have a dad, is he reasonable?

Really sorry that your mum is asking this of you. You care about your brother so I think it would be very hard to just ignore the situation and make her deal with it; not sure how good she was at parenting with you but this sounds really poor on her end and we're all worried for him as well now!

Not sure if you've read the whole thread but this reply is extremely unhelpful. Op is clearly being used as a get out clause by her mum and her little brother; it doesn't make having him to stay realistic or helpful

Also OP I think it might be worth closing this thread and starting a fresh one because people who haven't caught up are going to keep guilt-tripping you about making it work, when there's actually much bigger problems and staying with you really wouldn't do anything useful at all.

Hold your mum accountable for the damage she is doing to her own son. She has cut off his education in order to hide the problem and now wants to ship the problem off on to you.
No doubt she is too busy with her new family to care much as long as he is out of the way and she can pretend all is well.

You must take all emotion out of it and be sensible OP. And assertive with her.
Take control.
You don’t have room for him right now. He should be in school.
Confront your mum about those two facts and don’t take her manipulation.
Hold your ground and make your expectations of her very clear.
Refuse to take her calls unless she sees better sense and puts her own son first, getting him back into school, fully supported, immediately.

Advise your DB that he must try to help himself now and has your full support as long as he tries to get himself back into school. It’s the law that he is in education. Stress to him how important that is and that running away from education will really harm his future. Tell him that with three little ones, you aren’t able to be responsible for his home education and that you are struggling as a family for sleeping space as it is, but that you care very much about him and the big changes at home he is having to face which must be very upsetting for him.
Set up a schedule whereby you video call him regularly …every other day maybe ….to check up on his progress and to allow him to open up and vent. Be honest with him and tell him the truth about your difficult own home situation too.

Tell him you really want him to come over in the school summer holidays for a proper fun time as long as he is prepared to work hard with school work until then, and as long as he is willing to camp out on the lounge floor and to help out with his cousins.
Also remind him very often of how much you care about his feelings and how much you love him but that you must all be sensible and do the right thing. Reasure him that things will settle and get better if you all talk together and act sensibly. And that running away from problems and feelings is never the answer…they always come with you and it’s best to face them full on and get things sorted as best and as quickly as you can so that you can concentrate on aiming for a good future life.

Good luck OP. You sound so lovely and caring.

OP ignore the people who are piling on the guilt. No 14 year old would enjoy a sleepless fortnight on a sofa with snatched moments of attention from incredibly busy parents.
Your mother is a disgrace. Your brother’s dad is a disgrace. That’s not your fault and you can’t fix it. Keep messaging him with love and see if you can have some tough words with your mum about focussing on brother right now.

I think you need to give your mum some tough love and ask her why she thinks her soon is in the state he’s in.

She trying to brush off the issue and make it your problem instead of dealing with it and it sounds like your brothers deeply unhappy with being made to live with your mums new boyfriend and kids.

Say YES.
You need to have your brother to stay for three weeks.
Buy him a swag and find a place where the swag and his one bag can stay in the house when he is not sleeping.

He will then understand how busy you actually are and why he can not live with you.

Plan many one on one walks and playground outings with pram and brother.
Plan for DB to prepare the vegetables every evening.
Plan to have one of his English curriculum novels on your shelves.
Talk about why he is sad.
Ask outright whether he needs the boyfriend to leave his home.
Talk about long term education/employment options.

Hopefully the outcome will be that you will be wiser to his problems, DM will ask the boyfriend to leave and DB will go back to school supported by professionals..

I would contact Social Services through DB's school to have your mother's situation reviewed.

Foster Carers are not such a bad idea.
No one really understands your DB's plight so you should care to involve yourself and encourage professional intervention.

Are there any online games you can play with him on your mobile or something when kids are in bed to help keep the lines of online communication going? In time maybe he will feel he can open up a bit about what he’s going through but if he can’t he will appreciate you being there even if it’s just for a regular online game . Your mum needs to spend one to one time with him on his level and get to the bottom of what’s causing his despair.

The really cynical side of me suspects that your DB would not be welcome back home with his Mum as long as she has the "new" family.
I saw it with a friend of mine, in her case a brand new stepmother only 3 years older than herself. Six months after the nuptials she had a "holiday" at our house, initially for 2 weeks Then her Dad said home was so much more settled without her; didn't even try to dress it up. We were 16, so a couple of years older. She stayed with us 6 months, saved up and got a flat share. Went NC with hee Dad.

OP to put it lightly - your mother sounds like the monster here - not you. Shes taken up with a new fella, moved him and his kids into her house. Now she's looking to basically kick out her own son for weeks instead of dealing with his emotions in any practical way. Also putting the burden and guilt on you.

Why is he being homeschooled now suddenly? Surely that would be a last resort after a bad time at school - and if that kind of scenario happened, it didnt happen overnight. Shes still not sought help from a GP.

Is there an expectation for him to babysit some younger kids or something? Is that why hes been told to miss out on school.

I wouldnt be surprised if shes just checked out from having kids altogether - im presuming theres a bit of an age gap between you. Maybe her best parenting days are LONG behind her. I bet he would come back after weeks away and find hes lost his bedroom to some other kid.

OP I was in a similar situation once, I took my brother in even though I had a baby and a toddler and don't regret it for a second. He turned up on my doorstep broken. It sounds like you have everything together and that he could really benefit from spending time with you. I would totally get an airmattress and squeeze him in with you for a week. It could be the one thing that really helps him talk things out with someone he loves and trusts. I'd move mountains to help my brothers and really can't imagine turning them down :(

I am very worried reading your mum withdrew him from school, but it seems your brother was not up to date and was just informed about it, did he want to be home schooled? Does your mum know what to do around home schooling? Is there a system in place for him?
I think you need to let someone know asap. Home schooling isn't about kids sitting at home doing nothing. This looks like neglect.

A pretty horrible and judgemental post despite sounding nice. Op didn't seem like she had it together in a tiny space with 5 people in two rooms. The mum already suggested it could be weeks but days. There is clearly neglect going on, and ss and a gp shouod get involved.
Here is a ribbon for moving mountains 🎀

Have you met the “newish” boyfriend?
How long have they lived together?
Is your brother safe (eg could the boyfriend be violent/abusive/etc?)?
How old are the other children now in the house?
Is your brother having to babysit/care for younger children or keep out of the way of same age or older children?

I would be very concerned that your brother has had his life turned upside down by his mother moving a family in, and would worry he is feeling alone, scared, etc.

So your mother has prioritised moving in with a new partner and now wants to offload her responsibilities for her now unhappy child onto you. I don't think he's going to be any happier in your tiny 2 bedroom flat which is already crammed with presumably you and your partner and your three small children. Certainly your children, your responsibility, are not going to be happier. Parenting your brother is not your responsibility. Your mother sounds selfish and manipulative. My mother who was Irish would have told her to pull herself together and get on with it. There is a tendency for Irish women to be long suffering martyrs for the family - I can say this I suppose on the basis that both my parents were Irish born and raised and I am an Irish citizen. I guess my mother never got the message and ran off with my father to New Zealand. I don't think you need to go that far but you can tell your mother you simply can't help. Maybe she sounds tired and upset but that's on her and her choices.

Sorry - pressed post too soon!

With all of the questions I mentioned above, I would suggest having your brother to stay for any length of time would end up with him staying with you permanently.

OP, you do not have the resources nor the energy or headspace to be the support your brother seems to need. He needs a GP, school and possibly child services help, to deal with whatever is going on.

You obviously care very much for your brother, so help him by getting him in touch with appropriate resources and assistance, and making sure he is safe, etc. If the situation changes and different solutions are needed, you may be able to work through helping in a different way in time…

I think some people are being mean
about OPs mum. She is worried about her son and trying to give him a change of scenery, she’s not trying to hand off parenting.

we know how vulnerable young teenagers can be she is just worried and hoping he will talk to his sister as he’s not talking to her.

she’s clearly not thinking OP but it’s not realistic for him to come when you’ve got 3 kids in a 2 bed.

I think if it’s not possible for you to accommodate him, is there an aunt or a cousin etc he can stay with instead.

If he hasn’t experienced any bereavement etc but is crying alone in his room a lot. That is very worrying. But you need to stop offering alternatives and say no I can’t right now I’ve just had a small baby and three no room. I’m already very overwhelmed and I can’t manage more children

Your update is awful OP. Your mother clearly sees your brother as a problem that she wants to get rid of and outsource. Poor him and poor you. You still can’t take him though. He needs to be supported to attend school. I doubt she intends on doing any proper homeschooling. Is she always this selfish??

So who does he now live with & why the decision to home school?

So he might actually just be upset about living arrangements?

Is your mum really to daft to see that?

Is this one of a few men thatshe has moved in?

What does it mean when you say that he texted you, “Mum has told him that he’s being homeschooled now.” Really? She can deliver the full GCSE curriculum (or the NI equivalent) in an overcrowded house full of kids and step-kids? And the verb “told” is worrying, as it implies that no teaching has taken place yet, despite not being in school for some time now.

I think she’s prioritising her new relationship at the expense of her DC. Your brother is an inconvenience, and she needs somewhere to dump him. A couple of weeks isn’t the end game.

;She is worried about her son and trying to give him a change of scenery, she’s not trying to hand off parenting'

Absolute nonsense. She is literally trying to dump him on her daughter, who already has masses on her plate. What decent parent would have the immediate response of trying to palm their newly upset/depressed teenager on a relative living a flight away for 'a change of scene'? How is this remotely good parenting? A decent parent would take responsibility for their own child, speak to him/her and try to help them.