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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Peri-menopause how not to be dead on the inside

133 replies

JerryTubs · 23/01/2026 13:05

Okay, I need to get blood works done for sure. Mum went through peri at a younger age than me and so did my sister. Ridiculous heavy periods, some sporadic night sweats etc. I can deal with all of that, no problem, would prefer not to but not the biggest worry. I will take recommendations for anything to say to my GP, private tests, therapy, supplements as long as they’re not the crazy kind etc.

But how do I stop myself from (pardon my French) not giving a fuck about anything? Or anyone actually? I haven’t lost interest in maintaining a healthy lifestyle or my appearance or work or the things I enjoy like cooking and reading (relevant I think in case anyone thinks I’m depressed) but I literally couldn’t give a shit about anyone and you can’t actually say that to anyone without sounding like the worlds most horrible person can you? I used to be described as sensitive, my whole life actually, my parents said I was sensitive and numerous partners have said the same. I used to have bags of empathy, a tear in my eye if I saw a homeless person and it was freezing outside etc.

Now, when my partner says he doesn’t feel well, in my head I say ‘I don’t care, you’re a complete twat and it serves you right.’ I mean he has been a complete twat so maybe not the best example. I have grown up children and young children and whilst I have more feelings for the younger ones it’s not how I felt when the older ones were little. When they have aches and pains I invariably think ‘ffs this is the third random pain you’ve had this week.’ I do what I know I am supposed to, comfort, seek medical assistance if necessary but it’s all just because I know I have to not because I actually have massive amounts of sympathy. I think the older ones are selfish and entitled and honestly I don’t care whether I see them or not, my attitude is very much that I’ve been a good Mum and if that wasn’t good enough then tough Iuck because I tried very, very hard. If you’re not bothered about making an effort for me then I will return the energy. Yesterday someone told me I had offended someone else that I’m in a sort of group with and I cannot tell you how much I just don’t care and it’s made me realise that I need to do something. Once upon a time I would have gone and spoken to them and apologised if I had offended them but now I just think ‘oh well, I’m not really keen on you anyway, it saves me talking to you.’

Now I know this isn’t normal. Did anyone else feel like this in peri menopause? How can I get back to how I was? Well not how I was but at least have more compassion. Or maybe just someone that actually cares about people again? I don’t want people to think I’m depressed though because of that lack of care because I’m almost certain it’s not depression.

OP posts:
Fodencat · 23/01/2026 13:24

I’m post menopause so older than you obvs but apart from my family I couldn’t care less if I never saw anyone ever again. Just not interested.

JerryTubs · 23/01/2026 13:28

Fodencat · 23/01/2026 13:24

I’m post menopause so older than you obvs but apart from my family I couldn’t care less if I never saw anyone ever again. Just not interested.

But I feel like that about my family as well 😢 not the ones that rely on me but that’s just because I know they rely on me and I’m not a monster.

OP posts:
BestZebbie · 23/01/2026 13:31

I think the answer may be HRT, and the way to describe it is basically to read out what you put.

I'm not sure I'd rush to reset right back to 'sensitive' though - it seems to me that a significant proportion of men act like the above from a lot earlier than middle-age and seem to do alright on it (though obviously you don't want to swing too far in that direction and become someone who dumps their partner if they get cancer etc).

UltimateSloth · 23/01/2026 13:32

Lean into it. I have.

More seriously, I have never been very sensitive or empathetic, so losing what little of that I had hasn't shocked me. For you you're feeling shocked because it's such a contrast.

Why do you think you need to do something about it? Most men are like this all the time and noone worries about it.

VickyEadieofThigh · 23/01/2026 13:33

UltimateSloth · 23/01/2026 13:32

Lean into it. I have.

More seriously, I have never been very sensitive or empathetic, so losing what little of that I had hasn't shocked me. For you you're feeling shocked because it's such a contrast.

Why do you think you need to do something about it? Most men are like this all the time and noone worries about it.

I also leaned into it! And here I am, 15 years post-menopause, happily cocooned in 'don't care land'.

JoshLymanSwagger · 23/01/2026 13:41

I'm the same.
My DH has a heart condition. When he gets chest pain I just roll my eyes now - I used to prep a hospital bag. He moans about aches and pains, or just, y'know talks to (at) me and I barely acknowledge him.
I have to really put some effort in to have a conversation.

I rarely apologise to anyone, I rarely thank anyone.
I don't let people out at traffic junctions.
I'm pretty confident that if someone fell over in front of me, I'd laugh and possibly step over them. 😲
I only ever make a real fuss of, and smile at, my cats.

It's like being a man without the testicles 😁

I'm finding it quite liberating, actually.

Bulbsbulbsbulbs · 23/01/2026 13:43

HRT. It was the joyless feeling that pushed me into starting it. My biggest regret is nor starting during perimenopause. I lost 6 years of my life.

SatsumaDog · 23/01/2026 13:43

I was thinking about this today. I spend most of my time finding other people irritating and stuff that wouldn’t normally bother me really pisses me off. It’s like I have had a complete personality transplant. My own family and friends I’m fine with, but strangers and acquaintances; I just have no patience with them at all.

strongermummy · 23/01/2026 13:45

This all sounds very normal
HRT may help. I’d go to a specialist to get it tho to avoid Gp fobbing you off with talking therapy.

yes you probably need some therapy to process where you are in life (ie you may no longer be so sensitive but you can still have empathy and be a great friend / mother / wife / daughter etc)
maybe marital therapy or consider a divorce - unless your OH hasn’t noticed!!!
maybe some family therapy to bring the family back together and have everyone treat each other with respect? Especially if you actually do want a long term relationship with them

lean into the different you!!!!! Work through what it is you want from life.

Gasbox · 23/01/2026 13:45

Know exactly what you mean OP, I've been on hrt since last April and have hit a sort of middle ground with it now, which feels better. I have some sense of emotion back, nothing like I had pre-peri but enough that I don't worry I'm cold and there's something wrong with me anymore 😊 I'm able to be reasonably pleasant at work/socially but am no longer a people pleaser or someone who's afraid of confrontation, I have excellent boundaries these days.

Top tip if you are going to approach your GP surgery about hrt, ask whether there's a menopause specialist doctor or nurse and see them rather than a random GP, even if you have to wait a while for an appointment. Most GP's are useless with menopause issues, my specialist GP was a revelation after years of being fobbed off.

Dweetfidilove · 23/01/2026 13:47

JoshLymanSwagger · 23/01/2026 13:41

I'm the same.
My DH has a heart condition. When he gets chest pain I just roll my eyes now - I used to prep a hospital bag. He moans about aches and pains, or just, y'know talks to (at) me and I barely acknowledge him.
I have to really put some effort in to have a conversation.

I rarely apologise to anyone, I rarely thank anyone.
I don't let people out at traffic junctions.
I'm pretty confident that if someone fell over in front of me, I'd laugh and possibly step over them. 😲
I only ever make a real fuss of, and smile at, my cats.

It's like being a man without the testicles 😁

I'm finding it quite liberating, actually.

I genuinely don't know a single man who is like this 😲.

I dread to think this is the liberation I have ro look forward to.

JerryTubs · 23/01/2026 13:49

Some of these responses are making me laugh. I know I don’t want to go back to how I was but I do worry that I’ll have big regrets.

OP posts:
AndGodCreatedWomen · 23/01/2026 13:51

Put YABU because it's absolutely great to not give a fuck. Stick with it, it's revolutionary. Especially for women who've given up so much of their lives to others. Your time now, enjoy it.

Namechangedasouting987 · 23/01/2026 13:51

Yup I literally have no f**ks left to give.
Its kind of liberating..
I dont feel it about my DC (adults), but having said that, when they call, and i am watching the Traitors, I do inwardly sigh. And sometimes not answer.
I have a handful.of friends I care about.
I have zero tolerance for most people..

Morereadingthanposting · 23/01/2026 13:54

Interesting so many of you say GPs not good at menopause. I keep finding the opposite mine are REALLY keen to demonstrate they are good at menopause and that any issues I have are put down to menopause and the only thing offered is hrt not considering other possible issues - both equally frustrating!!

TangerinePlate · 23/01/2026 13:54

Embrace it OP,it’s very liberating

Life’s easier if you don’t carry all the shit for all people around us.
Let people be offended by trivial stuff. Weed your social garden

I only care about my kids and friends.
I still care about some people but not to extent I used to.

Your feelings matter too.

Morereadingthanposting · 23/01/2026 13:56

Back on topics I have two hormonal teens and last night they had not worked themselves into hysteria about essentially nothing. I went and ran a long relaxing bath and read… so yes I empathise!

Dweetfidilove · 23/01/2026 13:59

Namechangedasouting987 · 23/01/2026 13:51

Yup I literally have no f**ks left to give.
Its kind of liberating..
I dont feel it about my DC (adults), but having said that, when they call, and i am watching the Traitors, I do inwardly sigh. And sometimes not answer.
I have a handful.of friends I care about.
I have zero tolerance for most people..

For days when you're feeling particularly gangster...

A much older family member used to answer the phone and say - 'I'm watching my show', then cut is off.
Never occurred to her she could just not answer 😅.

Quitelikeit · 23/01/2026 14:00

I could have written this.

I have also been concerned primarily with the change in feelings towards my children.

I mean wth?! I actually wondered if I had early dementia

I would also like to revert back to my caring self

WimbyAce · 23/01/2026 14:03

I actually don't think what you are saying is that bad, but maybe I am peri or even full menopause who knows?! I mean obvs look after the kids, but apart from that who cares?

researchers3 · 23/01/2026 14:04

VickyEadieofThigh · 23/01/2026 13:33

I also leaned into it! And here I am, 15 years post-menopause, happily cocooned in 'don't care land'.

Ive had a niggly feeling for a while now and have just realised I have also entered the realm of don't care land.

Making less effort with friends/doing shit on a weekemd/trying to keep the house clean and tidy. I'm SO bone tired all the time.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 23/01/2026 14:04

I’m firmly in perimenopause at 50 and to be honest can’t wait for the whole thing to be over and done with. It’s “a journey”, to be sure.

I don’t think you’re correct when you describe how you’re
feeling as “not normal”. I think it is a fairly common feeling for
many women going through this stage of life - not all
women, obviously, as we’re all different - but it’s certainly a common, often mentioned development. The freedom of no longer giving a shit is meant to be one of the biggest advantages of the menopuase (again, for some women, not all).

It’s all about the hormones. Nature has made sure that we’re hostages to our hormones - generally, they make women caring, nurturing and empathic, to encourage us to nest and breed and raise the next generation. It’s a very clever strategy to ensure survival of the species.

BUT, once we’re no longer reproductively viable, the hormones reduce, the touchy-feely, caring hormone glasses fall off and we see things in a rather different light. You’re not an uncaring, unempathic, unkind person. This is just how you are, without all of the hormones you always previously had. You’re noticing the difference so much because the impact of the hormones was so strong on you, that you feel your personality has altered completely. It hasn’t really, you are still you underneath. Perhaps a more authentic version of yourself, even? In any event, this is a new stage in your life and is a lot to come to terms with - but that doesn’t automatically make it a bad thing!

The only way to try to prolong the hormone effects is to use HRT. It might be helpful for your physical symptoms. But I’m not certain trying to get back to exactly how you felt previously is necessarily the best option here. I’m in a similar boat and wonder if this is just how men usually feel, all through life, without the hormonal burden.

I can thoroughly recommend the book Hagitude by Sharon Blackie, if you’re into that sort of thing.

I’m another woman who is leaning into it, as mentioned by other posters. I plan to run away to the coast within the next couple of years.

JoshLymanSwagger · 23/01/2026 14:06

Thinking hard about this now.

You may be onto something.

My mum was an "older" mum back in the 70s.

My periods started at 10, she would have been 47.

I always thought we never got on - she'd leave me with my nan, but she literally gave no fucks for me from then on...

MiddlingMarch · 23/01/2026 14:07

One of my key realisations that I was experiencing symptoms of peri-menopause was when I stood in my kitchen, gritting my teeth, desperately trying not to tell my family (including primary school aged child) that they were all fucking idiots. All the time, all day, they were fucking idiots.

I had to have a wee talk with myself about it and realised that maybe it wasnt that they were all fucking idiots, maybe it was peri-menopause lowering my tolerance for even the minutest amount of idiocy.

I told the GP. She congratulated me on not losing my shit over DH or DC asking me where the tv remote was. I was >< that close to burning the house down because I was just done with everyone.

ANYWAY. I am on HRT now and still don't give much of a fuck about other people although less inclination to blow everything up. A win, I suppose.

As to other feelings of being dead inside, I just find it best not to take anything too seriously, I can have a laugh that lightens me a bit. The mad random flashes of anxiety weighs it down a bit, but otherwise I just think "ah, fuck it".

Hankunamatata · 23/01/2026 14:08

Mirena iud, estrogen patches, sertraline (to help with the rage)
And frequently telling dh and the teens they are being a twats