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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Peri-menopause how not to be dead on the inside

133 replies

JerryTubs · 23/01/2026 13:05

Okay, I need to get blood works done for sure. Mum went through peri at a younger age than me and so did my sister. Ridiculous heavy periods, some sporadic night sweats etc. I can deal with all of that, no problem, would prefer not to but not the biggest worry. I will take recommendations for anything to say to my GP, private tests, therapy, supplements as long as they’re not the crazy kind etc.

But how do I stop myself from (pardon my French) not giving a fuck about anything? Or anyone actually? I haven’t lost interest in maintaining a healthy lifestyle or my appearance or work or the things I enjoy like cooking and reading (relevant I think in case anyone thinks I’m depressed) but I literally couldn’t give a shit about anyone and you can’t actually say that to anyone without sounding like the worlds most horrible person can you? I used to be described as sensitive, my whole life actually, my parents said I was sensitive and numerous partners have said the same. I used to have bags of empathy, a tear in my eye if I saw a homeless person and it was freezing outside etc.

Now, when my partner says he doesn’t feel well, in my head I say ‘I don’t care, you’re a complete twat and it serves you right.’ I mean he has been a complete twat so maybe not the best example. I have grown up children and young children and whilst I have more feelings for the younger ones it’s not how I felt when the older ones were little. When they have aches and pains I invariably think ‘ffs this is the third random pain you’ve had this week.’ I do what I know I am supposed to, comfort, seek medical assistance if necessary but it’s all just because I know I have to not because I actually have massive amounts of sympathy. I think the older ones are selfish and entitled and honestly I don’t care whether I see them or not, my attitude is very much that I’ve been a good Mum and if that wasn’t good enough then tough Iuck because I tried very, very hard. If you’re not bothered about making an effort for me then I will return the energy. Yesterday someone told me I had offended someone else that I’m in a sort of group with and I cannot tell you how much I just don’t care and it’s made me realise that I need to do something. Once upon a time I would have gone and spoken to them and apologised if I had offended them but now I just think ‘oh well, I’m not really keen on you anyway, it saves me talking to you.’

Now I know this isn’t normal. Did anyone else feel like this in peri menopause? How can I get back to how I was? Well not how I was but at least have more compassion. Or maybe just someone that actually cares about people again? I don’t want people to think I’m depressed though because of that lack of care because I’m almost certain it’s not depression.

OP posts:
iloveagoodlist · 23/01/2026 17:31

Quagmireschin · 23/01/2026 17:25

Yup, that’s me! But still it’s tumbleweed over here.

It didn’t help moving 4 hours across the country age 40. I went from going out all the time to not having a night out for 6 years. I’m very social and have met quite a few parents but they all have enough friends or just like to stay in.

Find a gym. A small one. Something daft like CrossFit, Hyrox or functional fitness.

You don’t have to be any good, I am still the utterly shit fat one at the back who can’t run and her arm needs surgery.

Go for a taster session, make sure they pair people up, ask your name, look after you and help you.

It’s the best way to make friends as a middle aged lady. Burpees? Hate them. I spend hours every week sweating and sweating next to an old bloke called Mike who also hates them.

I go for the chat, the coffee afterwards and just meeting new people.

Cant find a book group? Host one. Costa near me lets us have a table. Our Starbucks also lets people have a table if they want one.

Try loads, fail loads but do try x

iloveagoodlist · 23/01/2026 17:32

Oh and I am the one suggesting the coffee afterwards or ‘getting some steps in’.

some weeks people want to, some weeks they don’t.

I am no longer crushed by the word no

AmethystDeceiver · 23/01/2026 17:38

I disagree with a lot of these responses! Part of the joy of life is caring for and about people and it would be a shame to lose that.

Quagmireschin · 23/01/2026 17:39

iloveagoodlist · 23/01/2026 17:31

Find a gym. A small one. Something daft like CrossFit, Hyrox or functional fitness.

You don’t have to be any good, I am still the utterly shit fat one at the back who can’t run and her arm needs surgery.

Go for a taster session, make sure they pair people up, ask your name, look after you and help you.

It’s the best way to make friends as a middle aged lady. Burpees? Hate them. I spend hours every week sweating and sweating next to an old bloke called Mike who also hates them.

I go for the chat, the coffee afterwards and just meeting new people.

Cant find a book group? Host one. Costa near me lets us have a table. Our Starbucks also lets people have a table if they want one.

Try loads, fail loads but do try x

I am a part of two book groups, I help out at the church, go to a couple of coffee mornings. but I am the youngest by about 20 years. Not that I’m saying you can’t be mates with people of different ages, but I’m pretty sure not many people in their mid 60s want to come and get pissed at the pub and get a kebab on the way home 😂

Tried the gym - but ended up with an injury after a fall. 2 back surgeries last year so no gym for me for the foreseeable.

I moved to a place where no one really leaves, which doesn’t help. Everyone is surrounded by childhood friends and family, so I’ve found while they are happy to chat, that’s as far as it goes as they don’t have a need for any new friends. It’s also a place where there aren’t a lot of groups.

I am from London where it was so easy to meet people and do things. If I was lonely, I’d just pop to the local pub and there was always someone you sort of knew to have a drink with. No local here and the ones nearby are rough as hell.

Anyway, don’t want to derail anymore. It’s just cemented to me that people just seem to want thier own lives and to enjoy being at home.

Quagmireschin · 23/01/2026 17:42

iloveagoodlist · 23/01/2026 17:32

Oh and I am the one suggesting the coffee afterwards or ‘getting some steps in’.

some weeks people want to, some weeks they don’t.

I am no longer crushed by the word no

Oh me neither.

I still have a young child, so I have made a few parent friends. I often ask if anyone wants to go out, or come round for dinner/drinks, I’ve tried to host quite a few parties and invited everyone. No one is interested, they all have thier own friends and want to stay in.

StartleBright · 23/01/2026 17:42

HRT helps. And get iron checked. Honestly it can be crap in the trenches of peri-menopause but find a few good female friends who are going through the same thing and it’s brighter on the other side. I promise you.

Luckyingame · 23/01/2026 17:54

Take it easy on yourself.
46 yo here.
😁💐

canuckup · 23/01/2026 17:56

🤣 these are great

Periperi2025 · 23/01/2026 18:30

ShawnaMacallister · 23/01/2026 16:17

If you're not on HRT then that will help. You don't need blood tests, you just need to tell your GP about the symptoms you're having and ask for HRT.

Only if she is over 45. If she's under 45 then she will very much have to battle the systems and the unreliability of blood tests.

JerryTubs · 23/01/2026 18:31

Quagmireschin · 23/01/2026 17:01

As an aside to this thread, it’s dawning on me why I’m so lonely.

I am desperate to make friends and go out and have fun. I would love some friends around my own age to do that with.

But I guess a lot of women don’t want that anymore.

Does it make you feel better that it’s not you it’s us? I The thing is if I really got along with someone and we made each other laugh and it was a straight John Bull friendship that was easy and drama free then I actually wouldn’t mind a friend but I only really seem to like my sister’s company. I’ve only just realised that actually so I’m glad I responded. I’m obviously not completely dead because I look forward to seeing her. We do enable each other a bit though so I’m not sure how healthy that is 😂

OP posts:
HornyHornersPinger · 23/01/2026 18:35

You're totally normal. The level of IDGAF I feel in my 40s is actually top tier 👌🏻

HornyHornersPinger · 23/01/2026 18:39

See...?

Peri-menopause how not to be dead on the inside
soupyspoon · 23/01/2026 18:50

Im so run down by how I feel I can really contribute coherently to this discussion but Im another one

I dont care
I dont care that I dont care
But on the other hand Im really isolated and lonely so want to care enough to put myself out there and engage and socialise
But then I dont care

I feel like Ive put up with shit for years and want more from my OH but then I also read threads where posters are advising 'dont let small things get in the way, see the bigger picture' and I think, I dont fucking care about the bigger picture Im sick and tired of picking up after you all the time, you not pulling your weight and overburdening me with stuff you wont do or organise or plan or think about. Honestly I could scream.

I dont have a solution OP

Fodencat · 23/01/2026 18:58

flyingfook · 23/01/2026 17:19

@Fodencat its my turn to have a some friends over at mine .. I'm looking at my calendar to check dates .. can't be a Friday as I love Friday nights in with dh. That Friday finish feeling from work at home is pure golden (I feel it now as I type this).. don't want a saturday night as that is also sofa night with dh. I don't want to give up any of my precious nights at home ...

100 per cent. I feel the same. Don’t come crashing into my private time. I used to be quite the party girl. I love the change in me. Rather be indoors with my drinks watching Masked Singer. And yes, that Friday feeling is unbeatable. Pure bliss x

Crwysmam · 23/01/2026 19:02

Not giving a F is a really good place to be in after years of worrying about everything and everyone. It’s quite liberating. I think you just have to get used to it.

As a wife, mother and business owner I spent 99% of my time and energy sorting out everyone else’s wellbeing and I think the emptiness you feel is due to just running out of battery power rather than a menopause thing.

Im now well into post menopause and have acclimatised. I suspect it is guilt rather than not caring that fuels the empty feeling.

Newname71 · 23/01/2026 19:38

Fuck me!!! Reading your post… I’ve had a realisation. This is me too. Thinking about the last conversation I had with DH … 1 word answers because I couldn’t be arsed!
I let DS1 cycle home in the cold last night where as in the past I would’ve chucked his bike in the car and driven him home( he is 26 mind)
My mum who I adore has started driving me mad. When we’re out she has to stop and pet every single dog she sees. I just stand there thinking ffs. Why?
She’s overly helpful to everyone too (I used to be) she lets people jump the queue in the supermarket if they’ve only got a couple of items. She talks to everyone about random shite.
When I’m driving she’ll say “oh let them out they’ll be there all day”I literally do not care. I wasn’t like this even 6 months ago.

Periperi2025 · 23/01/2026 19:42

Newname71 · 23/01/2026 19:38

Fuck me!!! Reading your post… I’ve had a realisation. This is me too. Thinking about the last conversation I had with DH … 1 word answers because I couldn’t be arsed!
I let DS1 cycle home in the cold last night where as in the past I would’ve chucked his bike in the car and driven him home( he is 26 mind)
My mum who I adore has started driving me mad. When we’re out she has to stop and pet every single dog she sees. I just stand there thinking ffs. Why?
She’s overly helpful to everyone too (I used to be) she lets people jump the queue in the supermarket if they’ve only got a couple of items. She talks to everyone about random shite.
When I’m driving she’ll say “oh let them out they’ll be there all day”I literally do not care. I wasn’t like this even 6 months ago.

Edited

I'm perimenopausal and definetely give less fucks, but still need to pet every dog I meet. I'm with your mum on that one!!

Newname71 · 23/01/2026 19:43

Periperi2025 · 23/01/2026 19:42

I'm perimenopausal and definetely give less fucks, but still need to pet every dog I meet. I'm with your mum on that one!!

I love dogs too but only stop to pet Staffys 😁

Charliede1182 · 23/01/2026 19:44

Nobody has to put up with this - if a symptom is due to declining ovarian hormones, and obviously it is not possible to diagnose over the internet whether some or all of a person's presentation is due to perimenopause but it is highly likely - then if it is hormonal it is absolutely and fully treatable.

Your description screams low testosterone louder than anything else to me, however estrogen is also important and progesterone benefits some people symptom wise, plus being mandatory if you have a uterus and replace estrogen.

Unless you are under 45 and particularly under 40, you are unlikely to obtain blood tests on the NHS as perimenopause is a clinical (ie not lab based) diagnosis.

Additionally you are only likely to be able to obtain estrogen and a progestogen on the NHS, at very conservative doses, and no testosterone.

Therefore if you can afford it I would try and see a private menopause specialist. Seriously it is so worth it and many of us really under-prioritise our own health and wellbeing at great personal cost.

GCSEBiostruggles · 23/01/2026 19:51

As others have said, lean in! Whole books have been written by women telling other women How Not To GAF, for eg, and on the whole we do more emotional labour than men all of our lives. Even at this point you still likely do more than your partner.

Focus on women things; female authors, female voices, female led businesses - once you make the switch and filter what goes in you will feel less like everything is all a big hoo-hah for power. So much of the media and news is men willy waving and power struggles over weapons - not interested. I'd rather we used all the money and science for humanity, as would most women. Redirect and you'll feel more alive.

piscofrisco · 23/01/2026 19:58

I feel this exact way op. I’m on HRT (4 months in) and initially felt a touch better, now worse if anything. That said I’m finding it hard to work out what things I should genuinely be annoyed about (maybe dh’s ex wife being a constant dick, my two grown up children not acting well, dh doing something so colossally stupid at work that I can’t see how he can’t see it) and which things are my peri symptoms. I am much angrier than I once was, and also much more sad and I don’t like it.

Egglio · 23/01/2026 20:03

Charliede1182 · 23/01/2026 19:44

Nobody has to put up with this - if a symptom is due to declining ovarian hormones, and obviously it is not possible to diagnose over the internet whether some or all of a person's presentation is due to perimenopause but it is highly likely - then if it is hormonal it is absolutely and fully treatable.

Your description screams low testosterone louder than anything else to me, however estrogen is also important and progesterone benefits some people symptom wise, plus being mandatory if you have a uterus and replace estrogen.

Unless you are under 45 and particularly under 40, you are unlikely to obtain blood tests on the NHS as perimenopause is a clinical (ie not lab based) diagnosis.

Additionally you are only likely to be able to obtain estrogen and a progestogen on the NHS, at very conservative doses, and no testosterone.

Therefore if you can afford it I would try and see a private menopause specialist. Seriously it is so worth it and many of us really under-prioritise our own health and wellbeing at great personal cost.

Are you sure it's not high testosterone as men have not been giving a fuck about anyone else since time immemorial.

(Tongue firmly in cheek here as your advice is very good!)

JerryTubs · 23/01/2026 20:05

Periperi2025 · 23/01/2026 18:30

Only if she is over 45. If she's under 45 then she will very much have to battle the systems and the unreliability of blood tests.

Really? I turn 46 in 10 weeks. My Mum was in peri from 42 and my sister from 44 so it can’t be that unusual surely?

OP posts:
Jugendstiel · 23/01/2026 20:09

JeannieJo · 23/01/2026 17:01

@Jugendstiel love your idea of doing something new everyday, what kind of things did you do? Looking for inspiration!

I made a list of small things I'd always wanted to do but never got around to and did them. Things like climbing to the top of Monument in London. I tried new physical activities - zumba, kayaking, bootcamp, weightlifting - ditched the ones I didn't get on with, stuck with the ones I liked and ended up way fitter and lost a fair amount of weight without dieting (about 15lb!) I did quite a few slightly unusual things, most of them just once - went to laughter yoga, 5 Rythms Dance, shamanic drumming and journeys and also a Quaker meeting.

I said yes to a lot of things I would usually have backed out of, including some really good freelance opportunities, one of which led to a job I still do and love. I did things with DC that were not at all my sort of thing - took young teen DS to lots of gigs and music workshops for kinds of music I wouldn't listen to normally, but really enjoyed lots of them.

If you do it every day, some of them have to be really tiny or cheap or easy to do like walking down a street you've never been down, trying a new drink in a cafe, planting some seeds, cooking a new recipe or trying really unfamiliar food, putting together clothes you already own in very different combinations than usual, signing up for free online courses or trying new types of fitness workouts or different styles of meditation online.

One good variation is to make a list of small things that scare you but aren't actually dangerous, and do some of them. I'm not great at that but I might give it a go now. I really need another reboot.

There are long lists online to give you inspiration.

JumpLeadsForTwo · 23/01/2026 20:15

The peri DGAF hits just as nearest and dearest are needing more emotional support/ empathy. DP with dementia, hormonal teen DC with nonstop friend/ school dramas, DH wanting more attention, friends going through various life changing events, work drama llamas. Appropriate empathy being given, but it’s exhausting- some days I just want to disappear to a cottage on the coast miles from anyone.

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