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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Peri-menopause how not to be dead on the inside

133 replies

JerryTubs · 23/01/2026 13:05

Okay, I need to get blood works done for sure. Mum went through peri at a younger age than me and so did my sister. Ridiculous heavy periods, some sporadic night sweats etc. I can deal with all of that, no problem, would prefer not to but not the biggest worry. I will take recommendations for anything to say to my GP, private tests, therapy, supplements as long as they’re not the crazy kind etc.

But how do I stop myself from (pardon my French) not giving a fuck about anything? Or anyone actually? I haven’t lost interest in maintaining a healthy lifestyle or my appearance or work or the things I enjoy like cooking and reading (relevant I think in case anyone thinks I’m depressed) but I literally couldn’t give a shit about anyone and you can’t actually say that to anyone without sounding like the worlds most horrible person can you? I used to be described as sensitive, my whole life actually, my parents said I was sensitive and numerous partners have said the same. I used to have bags of empathy, a tear in my eye if I saw a homeless person and it was freezing outside etc.

Now, when my partner says he doesn’t feel well, in my head I say ‘I don’t care, you’re a complete twat and it serves you right.’ I mean he has been a complete twat so maybe not the best example. I have grown up children and young children and whilst I have more feelings for the younger ones it’s not how I felt when the older ones were little. When they have aches and pains I invariably think ‘ffs this is the third random pain you’ve had this week.’ I do what I know I am supposed to, comfort, seek medical assistance if necessary but it’s all just because I know I have to not because I actually have massive amounts of sympathy. I think the older ones are selfish and entitled and honestly I don’t care whether I see them or not, my attitude is very much that I’ve been a good Mum and if that wasn’t good enough then tough Iuck because I tried very, very hard. If you’re not bothered about making an effort for me then I will return the energy. Yesterday someone told me I had offended someone else that I’m in a sort of group with and I cannot tell you how much I just don’t care and it’s made me realise that I need to do something. Once upon a time I would have gone and spoken to them and apologised if I had offended them but now I just think ‘oh well, I’m not really keen on you anyway, it saves me talking to you.’

Now I know this isn’t normal. Did anyone else feel like this in peri menopause? How can I get back to how I was? Well not how I was but at least have more compassion. Or maybe just someone that actually cares about people again? I don’t want people to think I’m depressed though because of that lack of care because I’m almost certain it’s not depression.

OP posts:
freudenschaude · 23/01/2026 14:09

I really relate to your post, OP! If this makes you feel any better at all I was exactly the same, even worse I was a therapist and had to change jobs becuse of it 🤣

Quitelikeit · 23/01/2026 14:11

@freudenschaude 😂😂😂

Jugendstiel · 23/01/2026 14:15

I've really enjoyed not giving so much of a toss about others. But for me, that was never true of family. I'd be scared if I felt indifferent to DC and elderly mum, for example.

Lack of empathy is caused by a drop in oxytocin. You could start by doing deep breathing meditation to lower stress and look up ways to boost your oxytocin.

As to the not giving a shit about doing anything - having no zest for life - I found that scary. All I cared about was DC's wellbeing. Nothing else. I got round it by doing the usual - loads of supplements B,D, iron etc, yoga, meditation, but also I started doing soemthing new everyday - something I'd not done before. It really worked and brought back my enthusiasm for years. I'm now post meno and back in a slump so need to do it again, but I really did so many new things back then, I'm running out of ideas now. Worth trying though, if the idea appeals to you.

Jugendstiel · 23/01/2026 14:15

@freudenschaude - I like your username!

JerryTubs · 23/01/2026 14:15

Quitelikeit · 23/01/2026 14:00

I could have written this.

I have also been concerned primarily with the change in feelings towards my children.

I mean wth?! I actually wondered if I had early dementia

I would also like to revert back to my caring self

Oh, thank you for responding. I can see the benefit or not sitting up worrying all night. I also don’t want to go back to a place where my feelings were hurt by others’ but I don’t think this absolute zero care I have is normal.

OP posts:
JerryTubs · 23/01/2026 14:17

freudenschaude · 23/01/2026 14:09

I really relate to your post, OP! If this makes you feel any better at all I was exactly the same, even worse I was a therapist and had to change jobs becuse of it 🤣

Oh dear, that is awful. But a little comical.

OP posts:
JoshLymanSwagger · 23/01/2026 14:17

Jugendstiel · 23/01/2026 14:15

@freudenschaude - I like your username!

Quite apt really. 😁

StiffAsAVicar · 23/01/2026 14:18

In a way this sounds pretty glorious OP, are you sure you want to try and get rid of it?! 😂

EmeraldShamrock000 · 23/01/2026 14:19

We get worn down mothering too, there is only so many years that you can go around in circles. Hopefully hrt improves your mental health but honestly I think a lot of us feel the same in the role of a constant carer for other people.
It leaves little motivation for self care.

JerryTubs · 23/01/2026 14:21

JoshLymanSwagger · 23/01/2026 14:06

Thinking hard about this now.

You may be onto something.

My mum was an "older" mum back in the 70s.

My periods started at 10, she would have been 47.

I always thought we never got on - she'd leave me with my nan, but she literally gave no fucks for me from then on...

Oh I’m so sorry. I look after my young ones and I do everything I’m supposed to do. But I genuinely think I could walk away and not hate myself like I once would have.

OP posts:
Newgirls · 23/01/2026 14:21

one way of looking at it is that it’s healthy to care less. Gives your kids a chance to grow up. Fussing over them in their 20s would drive them mad.

your husband - he’s a grown man. Have a line ready - ‘yep that’s your age’. Hell soon shut up

MNLurker1345 · 23/01/2026 14:25

Go on HRT. I went from being my happy, contented, kind and engaged self to waking up every morning thinking what is the point!

It is savage! Don’t take it personally. It is hormonal. I like a PP, lost 8 years.

On HRT for 3 years, now do give a damn and give thanks everyday because I remember the dark places peri menopause exposed me to.

You have a choice, you can stay in the don't care, murderous space of hormonal depletion or not and get your life back.

ProfessorofCunning · 23/01/2026 14:33

I also could have written this, and it was the sudden realisation that I gave no fucks for my beautiful, kind DCs last summer that spurred me on to contact the GP. That and the behaviour of a friend toward me that sent me spiralling into some weird anxiety induced depression that I had never experienced in my life. There were days when I just didn’t want to be here anymore. HRT has helped a bit with the physical symptoms, and the anxiety, but I still don’t really care about anything and I hate that because that’s not who I am. I don’t want to be this ‘new’ me. I’m hoping they are going to tweak my levels when I have an appointment next week, as I want to be the loving caring kind person I was until I was 45.

JoshLymanSwagger · 23/01/2026 14:34

JerryTubs · 23/01/2026 14:21

Oh I’m so sorry. I look after my young ones and I do everything I’m supposed to do. But I genuinely think I could walk away and not hate myself like I once would have.

@JerryTubs
See - you do still have some empathy (for strangers) !

Don't worry - my Dad was the best.

Maybe it really is just that you've been there before with the older kids and now you're just reactive rather than proactive?

One thing to remember - YOU'VE NOTICED. So you can choose which path you take now.🍫

Fodencat · 23/01/2026 14:38

Just to add, I can’t stand anyone near me in a supermarket or any other shop come to that. Plus, I don’t text anyone because I think I ought to, you know, “oh I better”. No. Not anymore. Fuck them.

Miranda65 · 23/01/2026 14:39

You sound completely normal, OP. We all toughen up a bit as we get older - I guess it's just life experience - and thank goodness we do, because it's incredibly liberating. It doesn't necessarily mean that you need medication, it just means that you're not young and naive any more. No need to medicalise it.

Timble · 23/01/2026 14:45

I had those feelings too, I was so unlike myself. My children are older but I always worried about them, it was when I felt nothing much towards them I knew sonething was wrong. I feel so much better on HRT, more like my old self and definitely worrying about the kids again! I did go private as my Nhs GP was very dismissive as I was ‘only’ 44 and even though I had a list of symptoms as long as my arm and I was struggling massively it simply couldn’t be perimenopause as my periods were still regular. Private dr sat and listened, took bloods at the right time of the month and I felt better with just one tweak in my prescription (this will likely change over time)

TorroFerney · 23/01/2026 14:54

UltimateSloth · 23/01/2026 13:32

Lean into it. I have.

More seriously, I have never been very sensitive or empathetic, so losing what little of that I had hasn't shocked me. For you you're feeling shocked because it's such a contrast.

Why do you think you need to do something about it? Most men are like this all the time and noone worries about it.

Yep. Men aren’t on here fretting about what they will buy their mother in law and being passive aggressive martyrs. And generally in terms of their place in the world men seem to be doing quite well.

your personality, empathetic helpful etc was normal for you that’s why it’s odd to you but that’s not a default normal.

Periperi2025 · 23/01/2026 14:59

You need HRT to help you find the middle ground between the old you and the current you where you only give a fuck when it matters.

C152 · 23/01/2026 15:01

I think this is pretty normal, actually. And I'm not sure there is anything you need to do. Your brain and body are finally aligned and are deciding to put you first, rather than you doing what is expected of women and putting everyone else and their needs first.

tanqueray10 · 23/01/2026 15:02

This thread is amazing. So nice to feel i’m not alone in these feelings. And the thing about people standing near to me- god yes back up!!!

Morepositivemum · 23/01/2026 15:04

Myself sister and sil are all going through peri at the mo and we all just didn’t bother with each other. I wasn’t bothered then but now I’m finding it sad. We all just avoid everyone. Going to have to change

C152 · 23/01/2026 15:05

Cate Blanchett puts it well...

In case the image doesn't show up: "Never pick a fight with a woman over 40. They're full of rage and sick of everyone's shit."

Peri-menopause how not to be dead on the inside
Morepositivemum · 23/01/2026 15:08

TorroFerney

Yep. Men aren’t on here fretting about what they will buy their mother in law and being passive aggressive martyrs. And generally in terms of their place in the world men seem to be doing quite well.

Men are having breakdowns and mid life crises and being assholes. I wouldn’t take them as something to aspire to

olderbutwiser · 23/01/2026 15:39

I think there are different types of not giving a fuck, or different things you don't give a fuck about. Not giving a fuck about a job you've been doing for 25+ years is quite healthy and wise. Not giving a fuck if you fall in front of a bus is probably going too far. It was DH who pointed this out to me, pushed me to the GP who upped my HRT.

Cured! I give a fuck about myself, DH and other immediate family, friends and my garden. Everything else has to submit to my somewhat harsh judgement.