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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Peri-menopause how not to be dead on the inside

133 replies

JerryTubs · 23/01/2026 13:05

Okay, I need to get blood works done for sure. Mum went through peri at a younger age than me and so did my sister. Ridiculous heavy periods, some sporadic night sweats etc. I can deal with all of that, no problem, would prefer not to but not the biggest worry. I will take recommendations for anything to say to my GP, private tests, therapy, supplements as long as they’re not the crazy kind etc.

But how do I stop myself from (pardon my French) not giving a fuck about anything? Or anyone actually? I haven’t lost interest in maintaining a healthy lifestyle or my appearance or work or the things I enjoy like cooking and reading (relevant I think in case anyone thinks I’m depressed) but I literally couldn’t give a shit about anyone and you can’t actually say that to anyone without sounding like the worlds most horrible person can you? I used to be described as sensitive, my whole life actually, my parents said I was sensitive and numerous partners have said the same. I used to have bags of empathy, a tear in my eye if I saw a homeless person and it was freezing outside etc.

Now, when my partner says he doesn’t feel well, in my head I say ‘I don’t care, you’re a complete twat and it serves you right.’ I mean he has been a complete twat so maybe not the best example. I have grown up children and young children and whilst I have more feelings for the younger ones it’s not how I felt when the older ones were little. When they have aches and pains I invariably think ‘ffs this is the third random pain you’ve had this week.’ I do what I know I am supposed to, comfort, seek medical assistance if necessary but it’s all just because I know I have to not because I actually have massive amounts of sympathy. I think the older ones are selfish and entitled and honestly I don’t care whether I see them or not, my attitude is very much that I’ve been a good Mum and if that wasn’t good enough then tough Iuck because I tried very, very hard. If you’re not bothered about making an effort for me then I will return the energy. Yesterday someone told me I had offended someone else that I’m in a sort of group with and I cannot tell you how much I just don’t care and it’s made me realise that I need to do something. Once upon a time I would have gone and spoken to them and apologised if I had offended them but now I just think ‘oh well, I’m not really keen on you anyway, it saves me talking to you.’

Now I know this isn’t normal. Did anyone else feel like this in peri menopause? How can I get back to how I was? Well not how I was but at least have more compassion. Or maybe just someone that actually cares about people again? I don’t want people to think I’m depressed though because of that lack of care because I’m almost certain it’s not depression.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 23/01/2026 15:42

Sounds normal to me. You give less fucks, it's one of the perks of menopause.

cleowasmycat · 23/01/2026 15:45

HRT to replace the oestrogen you’ll never get back. Game changer

wannanamechange · 23/01/2026 16:02

I’ve also lost so much empathy. I used to be hugely empathetic, really sensitive, and that has deadened now. I didn’t know this was a menopause thing.

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/01/2026 16:10

olderbutwiser · 23/01/2026 15:39

I think there are different types of not giving a fuck, or different things you don't give a fuck about. Not giving a fuck about a job you've been doing for 25+ years is quite healthy and wise. Not giving a fuck if you fall in front of a bus is probably going too far. It was DH who pointed this out to me, pushed me to the GP who upped my HRT.

Cured! I give a fuck about myself, DH and other immediate family, friends and my garden. Everything else has to submit to my somewhat harsh judgement.

I agree with this.

I increasingly don't give a fuck about my job (although I have to), but have less and less patience for corporate bullshit and the endless sycophancy and fake sunshine I'm required to display towards complete bellends all the time.

I don't give a shiny shite about what random men think about what I look like or the way I behave.

I no longer feel the need to be pretend nice to people who I know I will never be friends with or to hold back from telling people if they are being arseholes to me.

But I don't feel like this about my family and close friends. If anything I give more of a shit about them then I did pre menopause because the older you get the more you value close relationships with people you trust (as opposed to relationships of convenience or expediency). I certainly don't feel like that about my partner and daughter.

Are you sure this is purely down to perimenopause OP? I think sometimes people convince themselves something is "just hormones" when actually there's something more fundamental wrong. It doesn't sound like you like your partner very much?

Quagmireschin · 23/01/2026 16:10

Newgirls · 23/01/2026 14:21

one way of looking at it is that it’s healthy to care less. Gives your kids a chance to grow up. Fussing over them in their 20s would drive them mad.

your husband - he’s a grown man. Have a line ready - ‘yep that’s your age’. Hell soon shut up

Yeah, that’s great if all your children are older. My eldest is 23 but my youngest is 5. I had her when I was 41 as it seemed a great idea at the time (love her but you know what I mean).

outerspacepotato · 23/01/2026 16:11

It sounds like emotional burnout from over caring for many years, life stressors, the demands on you, and the change in hormone levels probably contributes.

I think it's a bit compensatory. In the usual scheme of things, women care as both an emotion and an action. You're spent years caring for others and probably putting yourself last. You care deeply on an emotional level. You get to a point where the emotional well is empty because you've done all this caring yet who is doing the same for you? You can't draw from an empty well. You concentrate more on you and less on others as part of refilling that well for at least yourself, see those self care acts like eating healthy and activity.

flyingfook · 23/01/2026 16:15

Fodencat · 23/01/2026 13:24

I’m post menopause so older than you obvs but apart from my family I couldn’t care less if I never saw anyone ever again. Just not interested.

apart from my family I couldn’t care less if I never saw anyone ever again. Just not interested

This. I have a few friends and I am only interested in seeing 2 of them. 1 of them lives absolutely miles away and we only ever text, the other is local but we are not in each others pockets and we meet up every 6 weeks .. perfect.

BarilynBordeaux · 23/01/2026 16:16

I hit peri early thanks to primary ovarian failure and it was like a switch went off inside me from ‘over giving overthinker’ to ‘why don’t you all cock off’

ShawnaMacallister · 23/01/2026 16:17

If you're not on HRT then that will help. You don't need blood tests, you just need to tell your GP about the symptoms you're having and ask for HRT.

DeQuin · 23/01/2026 16:18

Yep. Loss of oestrogen -- it drains away and all the "tend and befriend" energy the hormone gives you goes away and it's like the scales fall from your eyes. Like other PPs I (post meno) found it really liberating. I give no fucks. Am just starting on HRT for other reasons and somewhat concerned I will become a nice person again.

Thewonderfuleveryday · 23/01/2026 16:18

Maybe if I was less stressed I would care more. Having to concentrate at work (and that's only PT admin) frazzles my brain so much that I don't have much left over.

Egglio · 23/01/2026 16:25

freudenschaude · 23/01/2026 14:09

I really relate to your post, OP! If this makes you feel any better at all I was exactly the same, even worse I was a therapist and had to change jobs becuse of it 🤣

Oh I relate your post! I started additional training in therapy at the age of 43. By the time I qualified at 45, I couldn't think of anything worse to do as a job. I literally thought fuck that, no way, I'm sick of everyone. I had been so enthusiastic before! I wasn't even new to working in mental health, had decades of experience and just suddenly though, nope. I have done my time.

OP it's not about making this feeling go away, it's glorious! It's more about getting the balance where you still enjoy yourself actually living, but stop making life easier for everyone else. Once I started HRT and got the balance, it was like a whole new world!

DuchessofStaffordshire · 23/01/2026 16:27

I went through hell until I started HRT. Most GPs are useless, so either call the surgery and ask to have an appt with one who has an interest in women's health or make a private appt. HRT is prescribed based on symptoms NOT blood results. I started on estrogel and progesterone then had testosterone added. Game changer.

Fodencat · 23/01/2026 16:57

flyingfook · 23/01/2026 16:15

apart from my family I couldn’t care less if I never saw anyone ever again. Just not interested

This. I have a few friends and I am only interested in seeing 2 of them. 1 of them lives absolutely miles away and we only ever text, the other is local but we are not in each others pockets and we meet up every 6 weeks .. perfect.

Exactly. I don’t have many friends either. Had to bin off someone who added nothing and drained the life out of me. Not bothered if I don’t hear from others. Spent decades people pleasing. Now I truly truly don’t care if I’m blocked, deleted or cancelled. Rather just be left alone x

Quagmireschin · 23/01/2026 17:01

As an aside to this thread, it’s dawning on me why I’m so lonely.

I am desperate to make friends and go out and have fun. I would love some friends around my own age to do that with.

But I guess a lot of women don’t want that anymore.

JeannieJo · 23/01/2026 17:01

Jugendstiel · 23/01/2026 14:15

I've really enjoyed not giving so much of a toss about others. But for me, that was never true of family. I'd be scared if I felt indifferent to DC and elderly mum, for example.

Lack of empathy is caused by a drop in oxytocin. You could start by doing deep breathing meditation to lower stress and look up ways to boost your oxytocin.

As to the not giving a shit about doing anything - having no zest for life - I found that scary. All I cared about was DC's wellbeing. Nothing else. I got round it by doing the usual - loads of supplements B,D, iron etc, yoga, meditation, but also I started doing soemthing new everyday - something I'd not done before. It really worked and brought back my enthusiasm for years. I'm now post meno and back in a slump so need to do it again, but I really did so many new things back then, I'm running out of ideas now. Worth trying though, if the idea appeals to you.

@Jugendstiel love your idea of doing something new everyday, what kind of things did you do? Looking for inspiration!

VikingLady · 23/01/2026 17:12

I feel a lot less homicidal now I’m on HRT. I haven’t had to go breathe slowly before I start shouting, and my kids tell me I swear less in the car. Life is more endurable. I can actually get up in the morning and function (ish), I’ve started reading books again (I couldn’t be bothered before), I'm baking again, and I’m thinking about hobbies.

I'm still an overweight, weepy, wrinkly, greying ball of utter fury but I think HRT has taken it down to a level where it’s a rational response to the world.

iloveagoodlist · 23/01/2026 17:18

No, lean in to it.

I have tried all the HRT, the talking therapy, the supplements and it barely helps.

I have very much leaned on it all. I have just been made redundant, a few days ago, and all of me thinks so what. I have been the bread winner and the carrier off the entire house for 25+ years. Time for someone else to start to worry.

Kids not liking the dinner I spent time and effort on?
Frozen pizza. Help yourself.
I'll have your lovely leftovers for lunch tomorrow.

Clubs not booked? Late for events? No clean clothes? Meh.

I am done being the servant, holding my tongue, being nice, sending cards & flowers, remembering the dates.

I have actually found that I have attracted more friends than ever before. I am honest and I will now actually just ask people to go for a walk or a coffee or a show. I no longer feel worried about the house coping without me or how I feel when people say no or they cant.

Embrace it x

flyingfook · 23/01/2026 17:19

@Fodencat its my turn to have a some friends over at mine .. I'm looking at my calendar to check dates .. can't be a Friday as I love Friday nights in with dh. That Friday finish feeling from work at home is pure golden (I feel it now as I type this).. don't want a saturday night as that is also sofa night with dh. I don't want to give up any of my precious nights at home ...

YelramBob · 23/01/2026 17:20

I didn't go through peri - went straight from having regular periods to full on menopause in two weeks thanks to BC treatment, it was truly horrific 😱

I literally stopped giving a shit about anyone and anyone's feelings, I did get away with a lot of my rages though as I was bald at the time and most people wisely backed away from me 😂 I even swore at my parents which was unprecedented 😨 🤭

Embrace some of the anger OP and direct it towards useless people in your life 👍

iloveagoodlist · 23/01/2026 17:21

Quagmireschin · 23/01/2026 17:01

As an aside to this thread, it’s dawning on me why I’m so lonely.

I am desperate to make friends and go out and have fun. I would love some friends around my own age to do that with.

But I guess a lot of women don’t want that anymore.

We do! But we want honest friends who say yes to things and no to things. Who dont over promise to not offend.

I'd love to meet up, but can it be Tuesday and not Friday.

I'd love to go away, lets book it now and its done. I am not asking DH for permission, its just going on the calendar when I get home.

I cant come, I am skint but please send me your photos I want to know you're having a good time.

Quagmireschin · 23/01/2026 17:25

iloveagoodlist · 23/01/2026 17:21

We do! But we want honest friends who say yes to things and no to things. Who dont over promise to not offend.

I'd love to meet up, but can it be Tuesday and not Friday.

I'd love to go away, lets book it now and its done. I am not asking DH for permission, its just going on the calendar when I get home.

I cant come, I am skint but please send me your photos I want to know you're having a good time.

Yup, that’s me! But still it’s tumbleweed over here.

It didn’t help moving 4 hours across the country age 40. I went from going out all the time to not having a night out for 6 years. I’m very social and have met quite a few parents but they all have enough friends or just like to stay in.

TheJadeDeer · 23/01/2026 17:30

I’m in peri and feel exactly the same. It’s great. As a life long people pleaser I wish it had happened when I was in my 20s.

BrillantBriony · 23/01/2026 17:31

JerryTubs · 23/01/2026 13:05

Okay, I need to get blood works done for sure. Mum went through peri at a younger age than me and so did my sister. Ridiculous heavy periods, some sporadic night sweats etc. I can deal with all of that, no problem, would prefer not to but not the biggest worry. I will take recommendations for anything to say to my GP, private tests, therapy, supplements as long as they’re not the crazy kind etc.

But how do I stop myself from (pardon my French) not giving a fuck about anything? Or anyone actually? I haven’t lost interest in maintaining a healthy lifestyle or my appearance or work or the things I enjoy like cooking and reading (relevant I think in case anyone thinks I’m depressed) but I literally couldn’t give a shit about anyone and you can’t actually say that to anyone without sounding like the worlds most horrible person can you? I used to be described as sensitive, my whole life actually, my parents said I was sensitive and numerous partners have said the same. I used to have bags of empathy, a tear in my eye if I saw a homeless person and it was freezing outside etc.

Now, when my partner says he doesn’t feel well, in my head I say ‘I don’t care, you’re a complete twat and it serves you right.’ I mean he has been a complete twat so maybe not the best example. I have grown up children and young children and whilst I have more feelings for the younger ones it’s not how I felt when the older ones were little. When they have aches and pains I invariably think ‘ffs this is the third random pain you’ve had this week.’ I do what I know I am supposed to, comfort, seek medical assistance if necessary but it’s all just because I know I have to not because I actually have massive amounts of sympathy. I think the older ones are selfish and entitled and honestly I don’t care whether I see them or not, my attitude is very much that I’ve been a good Mum and if that wasn’t good enough then tough Iuck because I tried very, very hard. If you’re not bothered about making an effort for me then I will return the energy. Yesterday someone told me I had offended someone else that I’m in a sort of group with and I cannot tell you how much I just don’t care and it’s made me realise that I need to do something. Once upon a time I would have gone and spoken to them and apologised if I had offended them but now I just think ‘oh well, I’m not really keen on you anyway, it saves me talking to you.’

Now I know this isn’t normal. Did anyone else feel like this in peri menopause? How can I get back to how I was? Well not how I was but at least have more compassion. Or maybe just someone that actually cares about people again? I don’t want people to think I’m depressed though because of that lack of care because I’m almost certain it’s not depression.

Honestly you gave me a real LOL and I think you sound brilliant.

Daisy62 · 23/01/2026 17:31

Sounds pretty normal to me but not good if you’re really unhappy obv. If you like reading, I suggest Second Spring, by Kate Codrington, really thoughtful guide thru perio and menopause. Not a straight-to-HRT approach, but not against it either - good for creating space to consider what you want life to be like.