Peri-menopause how not to be dead on the inside

[JerryTubs]

Okay, I need to get blood works done for sure. Mum went through peri at a younger age than me and so did my sister. Ridiculous heavy periods, some sporadic night sweats etc. I can deal with all of that, no problem, would prefer not to but not the biggest worry. I will take recommendations for anything to say to my GP, private tests, therapy, supplements as long as they’re not the crazy kind etc.

But how do I stop myself from (pardon my French) not giving a fuck about anything? Or anyone actually? I haven’t lost interest in maintaining a healthy lifestyle or my appearance or work or the things I enjoy like cooking and reading (relevant I think in case anyone thinks I’m depressed) but I literally couldn’t give a shit about anyone and you can’t actually say that to anyone without sounding like the worlds most horrible person can you? I used to be described as sensitive, my whole life actually, my parents said I was sensitive and numerous partners have said the same. I used to have bags of empathy, a tear in my eye if I saw a homeless person and it was freezing outside etc.

Now, when my partner says he doesn’t feel well, in my head I say ‘I don’t care, you’re a complete twat and it serves you right.’ I mean he has been a complete twat so maybe not the best example. I have grown up children and young children and whilst I have more feelings for the younger ones it’s not how I felt when the older ones were little. When they have aches and pains I invariably think ‘ffs this is the third random pain you’ve had this week.’ I do what I know I am supposed to, comfort, seek medical assistance if necessary but it’s all just because I know I have to not because I actually have massive amounts of sympathy. I think the older ones are selfish and entitled and honestly I don’t care whether I see them or not, my attitude is very much that I’ve been a good Mum and if that wasn’t good enough then tough Iuck because I tried very, very hard. If you’re not bothered about making an effort for me then I will return the energy. Yesterday someone told me I had offended someone else that I’m in a sort of group with and I cannot tell you how much I just don’t care and it’s made me realise that I need to do something. Once upon a time I would have gone and spoken to them and apologised if I had offended them but now I just think ‘oh well, I’m not really keen on you anyway, it saves me talking to you.’

Now I know this isn’t normal. Did anyone else feel like this in peri menopause? How can I get back to how I was? Well not how I was but at least have more compassion. Or maybe just someone that actually cares about people again? I don’t want people to think I’m depressed though because of that lack of care because I’m almost certain it’s not depression.

NICE guidelines!!

I've been on HRT since I was 42 and needed it for many years before this but was not taken seriously, I paid for a private blood test in the end and my oestrogen was 54pmol/l (I was a mess nad my life was falling apart) and the GP book me in urgently to get me started on HRT.

Yes, I would go private (in hindsight). I ended up getting messed around for months and saw several Gps. One said I was too young (I'm 42), another that being peri couldn't cause depression and suicidal feelings. I also had to have blood tests despite, as you say, it being a clinical diagnosis which dragged the process out further still. All really infuriating. Anyway, I levelled out on 2 pumps of estrogel and progesterone. Asked for testosterone for lack of libido (guidelines say they can prescribe for this apparently) and honestly feel like a new woman.

It’s natures way of accepting kids flying the nest, parents dying and husbands having mid life crises!

I wish you lived near me. You sound like my sort of woman!

@freudenschaude 😄😄

I hear you op. I really could not give a shite. But I go through the motions for some people. And can muster some emotion for some close family/ friends. But it is difficult! My work involved Palliative/ End of Life care with children and adults and various other forms of nursey type stuff. I am burnt out. I am on hrt which prob helps abit re sweats etc but like you,I go through the motions. What I want is for no one to talk to/ at me..and to drink wine,read books,not cook,and be quiet.

I do agree about joining a gym, it's the best thing you'll ever do 💪

Although you'll be back on here in no time, complaining about the twatty Gen Z-ers hogging the equipment glued to their phones 🤣

Do you remember who you used? And also, does it make a different what time of the month you have the bloods done? Thanks

I'm similar. I'm a paramedic and frequently get stuck outside hospital waiting for long periods with patients. I can rarely be bothered with the effort of small talk, occasionally someone will spark some interest in me, but the rest of the time i try to encourage patients to 'rest' by diming the lights, or i just have to really force myself to do it. It makes it even harder than it already is.

Gym, friends, HRT. And walk daily, especially in the hour after dinner before bed when the husband/ kids are around !

Forth with life

You want to do it on day 3 of your cycle, but i think they now also offer a specialised menopause test where you test at two points in the cycle so might be worth looking at.

Worth get Oestrogen, FSH, LH, testosterone and SHBG.

You can do it via a fingerprick kit, although it does take some serious effort to bleed the amount of blood they need this way, but I've managed it 3 times successfully (but with very bruised fingertips after!!).

About 2 years ago I had a private consultation with the Womans Hormone Clinic and they sent me for bloods, you have to do it on a certain date around your cycle and for me thats sort of guesswork, I might have been a day or two out of the timescale for it, the bloods showed nothing informative at all

I understand thats just how it is, you'd need them taken most days over a cycle to determine levels I think.

I said I would revisit a consultation after a time as I wasnt ready then for it but now Ive gone to pot and need to urgently see the doctor and dont have time to do the private consultation again.

Im concerned that I have no idea what my levels would be, how do they know what to prescribe?

Oh and get this, I wanted to see the doctor to talk about HRT but before even booking in an appointment they insisted I get bloods done, but they were just general ones, nothing to do with hormone levels at all.

Thank you!! x

What do those letters mean?

There is medichecks OP as well, I have used them for other things before, they've usually got some offer going, but their hormone tests dont seem to include the things in this post Im quoting

Ah just found the hormone test that does. I may give this a go

https://www.medichecks.com/products/female-hormone-check-advanced-blood-test

I relate OP. My children are young adults so I don’t feel as bad about it as I would if they were young children. I do love them, and I like them, and I still want to protect and support them but God, they’re irritating a large proportion of the time.

Likewise husband. He’s a nice and decent man. He treats us all well. He works hard. But when he starts talking, I often think ‘I don’t care. SHUT UP’.

I have spent the last 20-odd years juggling all the plates and I’m so done with it.

I do hope it passes somewhat because although I like not being a doormat/martyr anymore, I don’t enjoy feeling so hostile all the time. I feel like it would be good for me to try and properly connect with the people I share my life with. I just simply can’t be arsed at the moment.

Spinning plates. Whatever the damned expression is. Fuck you, menopause brain.

Every post I write, I read it back and Ive missed out words, spelt stuff wrong that I know how to spell, Ive started writing things phonetically for some reason, this has been like this for about a couple of years.

Its the same at work, punctuation missing, words missing. I proof read it, dont see it and then only see it later

I never used to be like that, my SPAG was excellent

Are you me? 🤣🤣🤣

You can join me for a coffee any time!

I love this, thanks so much for sharing. I really need this! I have zero joy in my life right now. I’m going to pull out a notebook and start a list! ❤️

It sounds like the place you went to was a crock of shit profiteering from the increased awareness around menopause and the NHS shortcomings in women's health care.

Perimenopause and menopause can be diagnosed clinically and in resource-poor settings this is all you have.

I personally do feel blood tests are helpful with the caveat that it takes a certain amount of clinical skill and experience to interpret them in the context of the clinical picture.

They can be a helpful adjunct when making treatment decisions but should never trump the patient's symptoms or clinical judgement nor be used to deny someone treatment as blood levels can fluctuate greatly and "normal" labs can be seen in someone highly symptomatic who is clinically balls deep in perimenopause.

I've seen this with menopausal women a few times. I think as your oestrogen level goes down you lose your mothering / nurturing instincts. For lots of women it's a great thing - they stop being everyone else's support human and putting up with people who don't treat them well - no more sticking with a lousy boyfriend or whatever. You just need to be sure you know when you're just irritable and when someone actually is a twat who you shouldn't bother with.

Sometimes I think it's nature's way of getting mothers to push their kids out of the nest, when the kids are at the age where they need it. They stop feeling the need to fuss over them and start telling them to manage things on their own.

I've only read about half the thread, but it seems that everyone isn't talking about the same thing.

Some people are talking about the nice feeling you get when you realise the world doesn't stop turning when you don't look a certain way, or have to be excessively nice or people pleasing, and how it's great to start prioritising yourself and step out of just being a carer.

All good.

The OP is saying she cares less, as in feels less, towards her own younger children and doesn't feel too much towards the older ones either.

That's a disturbing level of emotional numbness. I go the other way and get overanxious and overinvested in my older children, ruminate a lot, and catastrophise. When things are that off emotionally, it's a sign that my mental health is not all that great- either a complete flatness and disinterest in living or overanxiety or sometimes both at the same time.

HRT may be the way to go, it hasn't been for me, but I wouldn't just say this goes with the territory of peri or menopause, or at least, I've enjoyed life a lot more now I'm out of this way of thinking. I don't like feeling distanced and horrible in my own life, it's not the true me at all as I was very much me when I cared about people and not caring, or having perspective, is not enjoyable in the slightest.