DP’s son moving in

[maximusss]

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

No fucking way would I have my partners adult children living with me. I can’t believe this hasn’t been discussed before and it’s major red flag that it hasn’t! And now you seem to saying your own adult children may also come to stay/live at some point? And that hasn’t been discussed either? You two need to do some serious talking right now..

So he's being lazy at home or not contributing or both and instead of listening to his mum he's packed his bags and stomped off to his dad's. After his mum has raised him 6 nights a week long term.

And his dad thinks this is absolutely okay, and along with that also thinks he can just announce his adult child will be moving into the house you are about to buy together with zero warning or discussion about how it will work and expectations etc.

Hell no!

To me there's an underlying misogyny here beneath the surface. A lack of respect for you and for DSS's mum as people that should be shown love and respect.

Don't complete/exchange on this house OP unless he can 100% put your mind at ease here. That would start for me with a full genuine apology that he didn't discuss it at all with you. Followed by him laying out how your adult children are expected to contribute to the house and be respectful of you both.

These aren't small children. It's. 19 year old whose mum has been no doubt asking reasonable things of him and he's stomped off to his dad's instead like a stroppy child.

Hmm unilateral major decisions = red flag

that said, most 19yo are still housed by parents / uni

So will he be paying 2 thirds of the bills to reflect the third adults use of utilities?

you do have a point worrying that you would would let you child move back but not keen on his. Although the lack of discussion absolutely not acceptable.

what would concern me is he’s moving because his mum moans? So I expect he doesn’t do any housework and is lazy or disrespectful etc and you will have to tolerate this.

personally I’d pull out. Saying you stay at each others houses isn’t the same as knowing your partner and his kid will do their share of housework. I’d be worried I was walking into live in maid territory

In which case, OP would presumably discuss it with her partner before agreeing to it. Which is what’s missing in this scenario.

We have no way of knowing how long DP & DS may have been discussing this, we only have his word for it that it was completely out of the blue and totally unexpected a mere week before they exchanged.

personally I find the idea that neither of them seem to have had the discussion or even thought about what happens if adult DC want to move in utterly bizarre.

OP has already said that she assumes DP would allow her DD to move in with them FT.

He’s messy and she’s had enough apparently.

Are you buying the house 50/50 together? If so, I'd not be buying with him.

@maximusss what would you do if your DD wanted to move back and your partner said no?

And there it is!

so he's stropping off to his dad to be messy there instead

His approach would be enough for me to pull out of the joint purchase, particularly as you’ve never lived together. Yes, going between houses allows you an overview of how the other person lives but it doesn’t quite allow you to see how they would co-own with you. I understand your partner wanting his adult son to be able to move in but the casual fait accompli he has tried to pull is a huge red flag. This change isn’t prompted by the need for bridging accommodation or a work need, it’s because he’s sick of his mum moaning at him. Why is she moaning at the son she has a primary maternal attachment to? Presumably because he is taking the piss. When he is at his more chilled (he thinks) dad’s is he less likely to take the piss? With this backstory I’d also be really worried about the dynamic with him as a permanent adult child in the house. They might end up ganging up on you being a nag/ uptight/ controlling. You may end up triangulated as the problem. Also people often drift towards the mean, will your partner also start “chilling” more about picking up after himself, getting to bed at a decent time, keeping on top of household admin?

The reasons for the change would also have me quaking as when my daughter moved in with us it was a temporary thing dictated by her placement nearby on a Graduate Training Scheme and she asked if she could stay with us, and we discussed it. In our case she didn’t make a financial contribution because it was a few months; we could do without the money without any hardship and we saw as part of supporting her in transitioning to an independent adult life and she was working hard on the career ladder. However it wasn’t just presumed by me.

Things like this have to be discussed and it’s a good idea for that discussion to include ground rules about housework, buying and sharing or not of provisions, timescales, financial contributions, rules about mates partners or hook-ups coming back to the house.

Your partner may well try to frame your objection to what he’s done as you telling him his son can’t move in and how would you feel if it was your daughter and take the stance of moral outrage but you must doggedly insist it is the way he has done it and the lack of discussion. When you co-own these things have to be agreed, as does making major changes to the property; remortgaging or getting household pets and normally the backstop is that either party has right of veto over significant changes.

If he’s a great bloke generally, I’d look into renting together first or moving into one of your houses and renting the other. I did this with my now husband; we spent a few years going between houses, then he moved in with me and rented his house for a few years and only after 7 or 8 years together did we buy a house together. By then I could be fairly sure he wasn’t a dick and so it has proved. Having married a complete tool first time around I was rightly cautious.

It depends on the situation.

This man (and at 19 - he is technically a man) has been living at his DM’s the whole time the OP has been dating his df. OP has maintained a relationship with this man and agreed to buy a house with him on those (unspoken) terms.

It’s not really fair to then, without discussion (and this is the bit that is a huge red flag) decide to move your ds into the new house you are buying with your partner, end of, when they are about to exchange.

It (understandably) could change everything.

There should’ve been a conversation and the fact he is putting it forward as a fait accompli is very concerning and I’d be telling any friend of mine to put a halt to the house purchase.

It's easy for her to say she assumes he'd be ok when they haven't discussed it and it's not on the cards (atm)

I just find this whole thing baffling. How can two adults, both with DC have never once properly discussed what would happen if any or all of their DC all needed to move back & how that would work

Of course there should be discussion, but what could the outcome be? If his nineteen year old son needs somewhere to live, the answer can only be yes. Even if he's not a good person, which doesn't sound like it the case there anyway.

That said, the fact that there was no discussion wound have me questioning the purchase.

I assume you've asked him why didnt he discuss this with you as it will be your house to, what did he say?

As @Myfridgeiscool said, this is not a trivial thing, even if you think his son is lovely.

You both need to think about how his son will live with you? What are his comings and goings going to be, how will the logisitcs and finance work? Will you both get privacy still - not for sex but for just being a couple together

And also, I'm afraid, you need to have a discussion about how he thought this was not an issue that needed talking about.

You may be all fine but if this was me I would be very worried

Id be pulling out immediately. I expect to ba asked before big decisions are made not after. That would be it for me. Game over.

Please pull out of this purchase and rent instead of you must live together, as someone else suggested.

Unless it always figured in your plans to play housemaid and surrogate mummy to a baby 19 year old.

And you'd better start laying plans for when the boy moves his girlfriend in too.

Me too.

Also Op, you need to seriously consider the fact that this could be a long term thing.

My best friend moved in with her new partner (bought a house together) and this very same thing happened. Didn’t get on with his dm and friend accepted it (wasn’t particularly happy but had a good relationship with him). The lad was 20 at the time and ended up moving out last year at the age of 29!

If he is in a minimum or even average wage job it’s going to be very difficult for him to ever manage to afford his own place. Young people are living with their parents for longer and longer.

Jesus, I was about to say YABU, but you're really not! You're buying this home TOGETHER. That means big decisions about the home, including who lives there, get made TOGETHER.

On the one hand, obviously neither of you can deny the option of the other person's children living with you both. BUT it should be discussed in advance and you should agree some house rules that apply to everyone (especially where I suspect the DP's son is a pain in the arse if his mother is "always moaning" at him). Since you've never lived together, and all your respective children are adults, it would also be nice if you had at least a short period in the house together alone, to enjoy it and get used to it.

I'd just say, 'that's something we need to talk about in advance.' It's perfectly reasonable to say you don't want your partner's son to live with you as soon as you get the keys, as you'll need time to sort everything out. Tell your partner that obviously his son can live with you, but beforehand, the two of you need to sit down together to discuss how it will work, how things will work if all your children end up coming home at some point, and what the rules are that all the children must follow, how disagreements will be managed, how you will all split costs, cleaning, other expectations etc. Then you need to sit down together with his son and get his agreement. It's not something to just muddle through as things crop up; it's much easier if you tackle all this stiff and have clear rules in place from the beginning.

Why does it need to be discussed?

There is always the potential that you have your child come and live with you.

There are hundreds of childless people out there - be in a relationship with one of them instead.

I have drilled it into my DD that she will always have a home at mine and if she ever needs to leave her home then she can turn up at mine no matter if it’s the middle of the night.
I don’t care if she’s 40 with 3 kids or 23 and 0 kids.

At 19, I would 100% have my DC live with me.
If my DH didn’t like it then he needs to leave and I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that anyway.

I brought up my 2 gc's from babies but my "nagging" meant one left suddenly to live with his mum. This meant he could live without rules and restrictions.

This is a red flag op although your primary one is your partner presenting this to you as a done deal without discussion. Alarm bells.

My nagging consisted of keeping him in college avoiding him being asked to leave, bailing him out for a serious car crash, motoring offences and police visits, falling in with a seriously bad crowd, unpaid loans from myself et al. Thats without disrespect in our home. He had a baby at 17. You need to know why he really left.

I know the feeling of acceptance being easier than ignoring that niggling instinct. Do speak up now op. Your feelings count. I put mine on the backburner and my gut was right.

Again, it’s not about living with his son, I like him. It’s about

The lack of discussion about it when we’re both paying 50/50 for the new house

No mention of his son contributing financially when he works full time

How often the girlfriend would be there (he sees her every day)

Whether he’ll be allowed to smoke weed in the back garden.

This move has been prompted by his son leaving his mums as he was messy and his mum had enough!